A Woman's Best Friend

Definitely not Diamonds.

Disclaimer: This post should be tagged with "Sappy", "Girly", "Senti"

I am a person who trusts no one. I always am cautious, cagey. Why? May be bitter experiences I guess. Said that,  I have never really opened up to anyone so much since...couple of years. All I have been doing is listening to people. Some of their problems were my problems too, but I never shared them. I only silently solaced in the joy that I am not alone. But the power of not sharing your other side gives you so much strength, and I wonder how. May be sharing with others, especially sharing your problems or worries, makes you weak. Weak, when you are openly admitting out loud to someone. And there creating a dependency on this person to share. Whether or not they solve your problems you still want to share even the silliest worry that is eating you up.

But on the contrary, not sharing and trying to deal with it just in your mind, somehow, I don't know[ may be have to read some psychology books :-P], makes you stronger. In a way it makes you live in denial that those problems don't exists in the first place. And every problem when given time, resolves on its own. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that TIME cannot solve. Sleeping over issues has really made a big difference in my life.

All said and done, I really miss MOM. I am talking so much to my MOM these days, and I know that she was always there, and is there. But only now I realize that she is my Best Friend. I have discussed everything with her. From my job to broken nails. And it really never mattered if she understood the subject that am talking about. Probably only person whom you can completely trust with. Only person who can never think of harming you or mistreating you or misusing your secrets. And most importantly who never judges you. And who would patiently listen when you go on and on and on about some silly thing which probably would not matter the next day.

If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

Mom,  I am missing you badly. Your absence is really showing me the big gap in my life right now. I did acknowledge your importance many a times, but no records can match your love. 

PS: Change cause of marriage - missed both Mothers Day & Father Day this year.

Satyamev Jayate

All the TV series that I watch are taking a summer break. And Movies - waiting desperately for upcoming releases in June and July( Spiderman, Dark Knight, Brave and so on). And may be that is why I landed on this show - Satyamev Jayate. I always loved controversies, debates, arguments, discussions. And watching them without you having to get into trouble of making a comment? A delicious piece of cake.

I initially thought it is going to be another money making sentimental emotional fools show. First episode on female foeticide did not impress me much. But the next two on "Child Sex Abuse" and "Big Fat Indian  Wedding" were just amazing. Watched 4 episodes till now and am already addicted to this. 

Surprising to know that there is no law that can punish Child Sex Abuse till date in India. I do not know if I should be proud that our country did not face these cases till lately or that it assumed that there would never be such a situation. Guess this is how parents think. That all those horrible things happen to someone else. Even when they hear of such cases they always assume that the victim will be someone else. That is a parents heart, which cannot even bear to think of such atrocities happening to their kids. And that exactly must be these pedophiles strength. It was interesting to know these pedophiles psychology from Dr Mytra. And  I really liked his words, which I do want to mention here - "Respect Behavior". Respecting elders, respecting some one for their age is an old school. Respect is something that should be earned. Not ordered or demanded. So teach the kids to respect a person for their behavior and not just because they are older than you.

Indian weddings. I have posted enough on these already on this blog. And like I said in my very old post Indian wedding is nothing but a big fool's game where always the looser is the father of a daughter. And I really like the way how these things are changing with time. Late but not never. I guess these days, fathers of daughters are the proudest and happiest. Everyone these days want a daughter instead of a son. But somewhere in some corners people might still belong to a generation where females( daughters-in-law) are still treated as slaves, servants. Seriously, it is funny( am not sure if this sentence is correct! Seriously funny!). Buying a guy with dowry, like you buy stuff from a mall? Wow! Stats that were shown indicated that this is very prominent in South India and yes it is true. I know how people spend crores on marriages, crores in dowry. One thing I hate in South. There was a joke on the show. Guy from North-East was worried, that if he may not be able to watch cricket on the TV sponsored by Girl's parents, cause she might say it is mine, my Dad bought it. And there are these filthy rich people for whom dowry is a question of pride. Is that even called a marriage? Would the guy or his family have any respect if they base the marriage on dowry? I think this might be the reason for female foeticide. But the data for foeticide indicated less numbers in South India but more in North. So what could be the reason for foeticide?

My Marriage Myths( Post-Marriage Checklist)

Well. Almost 2 months into my marriage and I needed a reality check. Check what my assumptions about marriage were and what they are now. Why I am doing this? Cause questions like "How is marriage life?" really worries me. I felt like I was asked to answer a question that is out of syllabus. As if I was supposed to worry about marriage life and treat it as a concern.


1. You - One thing I learnt the hard way is to never lose your individuality. Nobody is worth sacrificing yourself. This was one place where my fictional world could not influence me. All those romantic novels or movies that I read/ saw too taught me that at the end, only if you could be happy, you can make others happy. You CANNOT make someone else happy by sacrificing your own happiness or your own self. If you are in a relationship where your partner cannot see your happiness as his/ hers then you sure are in an abusive relationship. If someone wants you to be sad, suffering and depending on them and calls its love, its time you call it quits. It is indeed very difficult to find a person who can accept you as is, but if someone can be with you in spite of all  your idiosyncrasies then you better change for good for this soul which is hard to find.

So. Marriage is not something where one person controls and the other obeys. Many ask me who listens to whom and I have seen people asking these questions to other married couples. Practically, I don't think anybody can control anyone. Marriage works on compromises. But not so many compromises that you forget who you are/ what you are in the first place.

2.Routines - Well,  I do not know who said routine is boring. But the comfort of doing the known is so relaxing. And every person builds their routines. Even the most spontaneous person should have some routine that s/he basks in. Few call these habits. Few call these addictions. I am not talking about addictions like smoking/ drinking which ARE bad whether or not you are married. Marriage does affect these. No matter how much you want to continue them.  And I guess most of the people get disappointed by marriage in this case. This is where they say I am losing freedom after marriage and that life has changed so drastically after marriage. May be that's an exaggeration, but I totally get them :-). These habits, routines, have been the Nirvana so far :-P and now suddenly it has to drop off. You might feel that you are losing control on your life. Especially for control freaks like me! ( which I have become in the last few years)

My routines - Walks. Movies. Books. TV Series. Working Out. Thankfully I can still enjoy most of these. Except for reading books. The more time we spend apart the more I can continue with this routine of mine. Which is sad. But I am happy that something or someone can fill in one of these routines. No regrets there. But may be if I start losing all of these, then I might feel the same too. Panic.

3. Friends - I hated most, no all of my friends once they got married. I am the last one to get married in my group and I really really hated them. Why? Cause they never had time for me once they got married. Somehow all that care/ attention/ interest/ curiosity about me or my life, that they had vanished once they got married. Even my closest friends. One whom I thought would not change in this aspect after marriage. But little did I know her plight.

And I really hated to listen either. I really hated when people used to talk about their marriage. As if only thing that mattered in their life's was marriage. Now I understand that they did not  ignore you, but they really had little time for themselves that they can afford spending it on YOU. And why they talk so much about marriage to you - cause you don't know anything about marriage and most of the times when people talk, all they need is an ear, not judgments, not opinions and not advises.

I jump into misunderstandings so soon. I must be a selfish person at times to have thought these people do not care about me anymore. And am really thankful to all my friends who in spite of demanding life's that they already had, could check on me once in a while.

4. Work/ Career -Hmm. I really get edgy when this topic comes to me. Does marriage affect this? Especially in case of women? Can you have exactly equal priority for your family and work? I don't think so. Why do women actually work? For financial independence? For time pass? For supporting their families? If they are well of, India based then do these women really care about their jobs? On a different note, can a guy like a women for just being the best house-wife? Best daughter-in-law. Best mother? Does he really care for what she can be or what she is? Does he think that she can have her life too? I don't think men have that big a heart. Do they? I cannot understand if it is men or these women who choose these life's. Life of a house wife. I do not know whom to be blamed. Or may be I really do not understand what it is to be a house wife in spite of knowing how tough a job it is. I personally think everyone should have a life. That defines them individually, not as someone's something or not as part of something. Stand alone. On their own.

5. Bloating  - I hate fat people. I actually had to research if saying this publicly is allowed. There are many others who already have ranted on this. I think these people are just lazy, irresponsible and have least sense of self-respect. They abuse their bodies. It is a misconception that you get fat if you are happy and lose weight if you are sad. In my case I eat a lot when am under stress, depressed. And this is true even scientifically. Anyways, I don't think marriage will make you fat. No matter how many eat-outs you have. You can still stay slim and fit. This was my biggest worry. Phew! Guess I will win all those challenges who said I will bloat after marriage.

 Whoa! I think am doing good considering all these major worries(myths) of mine. Now the only question is will this last for 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades or for a lifetime( considering I live more than 2 decades he hee :-P) ?

Loyalty

Every time I left a Company I felt like a cheat except once. When I left my first department in my current working organization. But do companies/ organizations really care about you? Are you really valued? Or do they really feel your loss - a big NO. Then why did I feel that I had let down someone?

There are people who recognize you for what you have done and reward you. There are people who do not notice you. In the later case you have nothing to think about than own self. In the former case they did it cause you performed. But what do you if someone has bet on you blindly? If someone did more than just recognize your work? Someone who really knows the weaker aspect of human beings and hit it - yes the personal touch, connecting, bonding blah blah :-P. Am not sure if one has God Fathers in their careers. Do they? Have not come across or heard of any such stories. If they did, would not their so called God Father be happy about a decision that is good for you?

Loyalty seems like a  such a big limitation in human life's especially when it comes to careers. Not leaving for better opportunities is a sign of loyalty or a career suicide? This is when I think I should work for my own organization and not for someone else where in you have all these question marks. And when will that happen? In dreams I suppose! Then why did I wake up now? Don't know again! Need another brain storming to know why this sudden adrenaline rush.

I cannot have the cake and eat it too. Got to make some tough decisions. Like always in two minds! And all the advise that I got is to let it pass. And wait. Be patient. Sleep over it.

Really? Sleep over it? Normally when I do this the end result is I totally drop off the idea in the first place. Only sleepless nights get me somewhere :-P.  May be all I need is one tight slap!

The Secret Life Of Words - Movie Review

Another master piece of Tim Robbins after The Shawshank Redemption. But whole credit goes to Sarah Polley for her brilliant performance. Movie is set in the middle of the sea, an oil rig, which perfectly captures the mood of the film. And the background sound tracks just add to the movie experience.

Direction is so powerful that even simple narrations by the actors, simplest of the dialogs talk so loud. Mean so much than what they are actually saying. Story of two people dealing with their terrible pasts. When the movie starts we see Sarah as a loner, stiff person who is so anti-social. Who has never taken one day leave or a sick leave from work for the last 4 years. Who eats rice, chicken and apples everyday, doing the same routine everyday. Even when she is asked to take a vacation, she spends the month helping burns victim in an oil rig. That is when we meet Tim Robbins, who is heart broken for loving best friend's wife, losing both love and friendship.

We tend to sympathize with him, till we know Sarah's story. A war victim. Two most captivating and moving scenes in the movie are when Josef(Tim Robins) talks about his fear of water and the way his father threw him into the sea, and when Hanna( Sarah Polley) shares her miseries. Josef realizes that his sorrows are nothing when compared to hers. Isn't everything in life relative? We may think we are drowned with problems, worries and issues. But compared to what?

Josef: How does one live with what has happened?
         The consequences.
          How does one live with the dead?

Hanna:  l don't know. You'll have to go on, l suppose.
            Everyone keeps on living for the future, some how.
            Or not.
            There are those who don't make it through.



My best character in the movie though is Martin. He is a Oceanographer, who measures the number of waves that hit the oil rig, the strength of the sea and water temperature. Though his job is just this, he collects mussels, and is interested in sea life. He is the only positive character who adds meaning to the movie. Who says Life is worth living and worth hoping for even if you have to be a loner. And even if no one notices you. Just keep going. Just keep thinking something can be done.

Hanna: They're shutting down, anyway.
Martin: Not if l can help it.
Hanna: What will you do?
Martin: This could be used for lots of things.
            Use the drilling motors to purge the water.
             lt's possible to cleanse the water.
Hanna:  What will happen if nobody takes any notice of you?
Martin: Well, l'll keep on measuring waves.
            Collecting mussels.
            And l'll keep thinking that something can be done.
Hanna:  l envy you, Martin.
            Really, l ... l didn't know
            there were still people like you about.

Super Powers

Movies watched in less than a week – The Avengers, Hulk, The Incredible Hulk and Men In Black III. I should not have watched any of these. Cause now I want super powers. Geez :D. I want to do so many things – do an MBA, work abroad, learn few more languages, and be something, something BEEEEG. Strange that I am ambitious now, after marriage! Am more ready to take risks now! Especially after Singapore trip I have been seriously thinking that I have achieved nothing till now. First time I felt how poor and corrupted India is, and how poorer I am! I thought I am having the best life. What an illusion!

It might all seem like am running behind money, but no. I am lacking the sense of achievement. Now I don’t feel that I have done anything great at all. Except for being sincere or hardworking [ which I must say I am proud of, given how superficial people have become.  That’s a bad rating of myself by the way. It is my disappointment talking. Am not this critical in rating of myself usually. I know people who does not even have half the brains that I have]. Are achievements something defined in terms of financial status or something judged and decided by people around. Or is it something that lasts the time?

Singapore was the poorest country in 1965 when it got its independence and took loan from World bank. And it was paid back within 30 years. And now it is one of the richest countries competing with US of A. And all it is, is a dot on the map. How did it become so rich? So prosperous? All my research talks about one person who served three decades as Prime Minister of Singapore - Lee Kuan Yew, Chinese. One person who is responsible for its turn over. How did he do it? Is this what called Super powers?

I know many of friends, classmates, juniors, colleagues – how they have changed their fates. How their life's changed from nothing to so much. Stroke of luck? Or did they consciously make an effort for it or it just happened? When did I stop running? When did I start relaxing that I did not even realize how securely I have placed myself in a comfort zone and never thought beyond? Or have thought but never acted on!

What am I waiting for to happen?

I hope its not some freaking accident that will turn me into a super woman :-D.  I should get away from fictional world, seriously!

PS: Posting this from much longed for MAC and I feel nothing.

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!

Gyan

Much needed gyan -

http://women.siliconindia.com/women-expert/Being-A-Women-eid-191.html

True Freedom

 Copied this from one of my Facebook friend's wall post. So true...that I could not stop making a note of it on my blog!

 After all, the lives we lead at present, based on needs, desires and the ways of controlling desire, make us more shallow and empty than ever. We may be very clever, very learned, able to repeat what we have gathered; but the electronic machines are doing that, and already in some fields the machines are more capable than man, more accurate and swifter in their calculations. So we always come back to the same thing which is that life as we live it now is so very superficial, narrow, limited, all because deep down we are empty, lonely, and always trying to cover it up to fill up that emptiness; therefore the need, the desire becomes a terrible thing. Nothing can fill that deep void within - no gods, no saviors, no knowledge, no relationship, no children, no husband, no wife; nothing. But if the mind, the brain, the whole of your being can look at it, live with it, then you will see that psychologically, inwardly, there is no need for anything. That is true freedom.

-J Krishnamurti.

 

Marriage? Men? Culture?

I fail to understand! Is it only in India or is it only with men or is it really the case with marriage. I was in a meeting today among all men and in a discussion they concluded that "I don't care!", now that am getting married. How can I not care about my job? Does marriage really take away rest of your life? If so, then why should it be only with women why not men? What makes them think that only they can get married and still get on with rest of their life, like job, friends, fun, parties and etc?! Why can't women do the same? I wonder if this is how marriage is perceived across the world or it is just these stereotyped Indian men who think so or who want the women to be so.

How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream.  I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of  has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.

How I can love someone without losing My Self?

Drafts

I wanted to make an entry on this blog on March 11th the day I officially committed to share my life with Vinod, but thought otherwise as I had so much to write and did not know how to say all that. And two more entries for the movie "A Separation" and the book " Before I go To Sleep". Like always say, someday!

Pelli Pustakam

Aesthesia

She was panting...fighting for breath. But still she could not stop. She has to run. She has to reach on time. Every time she looked at her watch she felt it was lying to her. Last time she looked at it, it said 9 AM, and now it was 9:12 AM. She has been running for the last 12 minutes and yet she was  no nearer to her destination. She had a sharp quick pang of fear. She was sweating. She wanted to run fast but time was running faster than her. She had to be at the place in 3 minutes. Doubts clouded her mind. What if she cannot make it to it? No! That cannot happen. For some reason she was forced to be at the place, though she was not able to remember what the reason was. All she knew was to keep running and to reach the place before 9:15, as if it was a matter of life and death.

She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them  failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.

It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.

She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.

She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.

Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!

For The One In My Life

Been happy, been sad and boy have I grown
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again


You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around


Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes

Work In Progress - Words That Matter

      Jay typed those two words and hit send; "Sure Diana". He had come back from a late night party and could not fall asleep. He surfed through TV channels and nothing caught his interest. He got on the internet to check his emails that needed his response. When he was almost done at the end of half an hour, he saw little window popping up at the corner of his laptop screen that said,"You've got 1 new message". Diana had replied to his email that he sent in the morning, now. She wanted to meet him. It was routine for him. His reportees asking for meetings. These meetings were very revealing for him. Most of these people were very different from their usual, inside his office. As  if his office had the comfort of a couch in a therapist's room. Or that he had the knack of letting other person open up to him and speak out their minds/ hearts. Or may be its his delightful smile that changed things around. He too believed that he could make anyone talk to him, at ease, till he met Diana. He hit send without much thought, but later he thought why would Diana want to meet him. He tried hard to remember their last meeting.

He hated their first meeting in his office. He wanted that meeting to never happen. That meeting was forced on to him. But when Diana came in his office, for a moment he felt otherwise. He wanted to welcome her into the team, yet Diana's coldness in their first meeting brought in the mean streak in him. Unlike others she looked snobby to him, and too proud to acknowledge that she needed any help. One way to get to him was to let him know that one was in need of help. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. But, Diana looked so self-contained and arrogant, that he felt nothing but to hate her guts. He was always miles away from arrogance. And to shove away Diana or her arrogance, he had to be cranky and derogatory to her. Right after their meeting with Diana that day, he felt both guilt and gloat.

And today, he was curious why Diana wanted to meet him. She never came to him in spite of all the hardships he gave her. She seem to have survived well in the new team. Then what was it now that she wanted to talk to him? He flirted with the idea that she might after all has given up, faltered and failed at something that she needed his help now. And that thought made him concerned about her for a second. But his sleep overtook and swallowed all of his thoughts into void leaving Diana at no mercy.


                               ---------***********************************-------------


People around Diana always said that things came to Diana very easily. As if everything was planned  and all she had to do was be there at the right place in right time. That is because she never told anyone how tough it was to her to even reach that RIGHT place. She hated people who attributed something to luck and not in their own abilities. Right from her childhood everyone around her thought she has a luck streak that she does not have to work hard for anything. Even her own parents thought that she is taken care of, and that she *needed* nothing. Diana many a times wanted to fail miserably that she could seek help. She could seek shelter. She wanted people to see that she too is vulnerable. But her self-respect told her otherwise. And she sometimes hated herself for being so strong. For being so shielded that she missed being taken care of.

She wondered what Jay thought about her? Did he also think she is already privileged and so the inefficient employee like Mark *needed* his support and not Diana? Is he also one among those who cared for second-handers and under-performers? Ethan's words came back to her, and she thought she should suspend all her thoughts till she met Jay. She got herself busy with work that she almost forgot about the meeting when Jay came to her desk to remind her of the meeting.

'That is a good sign', She thought; Jay reminding her of the meeting. After all those two words that he sent last night were not something that he typed in his sleep and totally forgot about it.

She followed him into his office....

Wait Til You See My Smile

When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show

When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show

People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile



Hey
So you're doin' better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need em'
Cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever
Sing

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Choice or Chance

In hindsight my life seems to be a series of chances than choices. First thing I ever dreamt of in my life was studying abroad, and that did not happen. So many things, they just happen. Not by my conscious choice but sudden and impulsive. The jobs that I chose, the offers that I accepted, friends and so on. What is it that one counts on when they take such decisions? Intuition? Or these decisions influenced by the gyan given by others?

Not that I have regrets but it looks like I have never really taken any risks in my life. I let things happen. In their course of time and place. There were situations where my carelessness or lack of respect to my own well being costed me enough depression or whatever. But no matter what was happening in my life there was one thing that I did justice to in my life. Not to my family, not to my friends and not even to me. It was and is my work.

Today, I felt so happy for being back at work. The entire weekend I wanted so badly for Monday to come. I think this is my place of retreat. Work always helped me recover. Always. May be that is the only place where I know what I am doing and I do know the outcome as well. Only place am really appreciated for my abilities(?). Only place I have friends where in the "distance" does not come into picture. Only place where I can be ME. Only place where I can forget the rest of the world and just do what I want or like to do. It sounds so depressing to write or admit that my workplace is my other home.

I have been so happy and used to my single life, that constant family ties are bothering me. Especially these elders. I do respect them for their age, apart from that all of them have failed miserably in my judgment. I may sound the same to my next generation but I know better not to indulge in such trivialities. Right now I hate everyone around me. I just hate them. No hate is not the right word. I am just surprised at their stupidity. And what worries me the most is that someday am going to end up like them; God Forbid!

There! Let out!

I Don't Know

Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.

It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants! 

May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life.  Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.

I Cannot Die Washing Up A Tea Cup

I do not call myself a feminist, but I try to watch every movie that is made on women. Watched this movie "The Iron Lady", one cause its a movie based on a woman and two cause one of my favorite actress Meryl Streep got an Oscar for the Best Actress. I did not so much like Margaret Thatcher as such. Whatever she is or she was I did not like the way she declared war against Argentina. May be I did not read it right from the movie, blame the director!

What caught was this one line - "I cannot die washing up a tea cup", when Denis proposes her. She says, "I will never be one of those women Denis - who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One's life must matter. Beyond all the cleaning, cooking and the children, one's life must matter more than that.".

I want to be more than a daughter, a wife, or a mother. Will I be? Have I already past the age where I could be more than all of these? Have I missed that chance already? Would my life matter? I seriously seriously want to write a book someday. One thing I want to do before I die. I want to be something, someone - important. Not just to my family and friends but to the world. Hope me being ambitious does not affect my life in a bad way. Likewise, hope my ambitions do not die off in the mist of family responsibilities. 

I cannot blame this major change in my life  - marriage; for being  skeptical about my dreams. Cause apart from getting a comfortable life and a successful career I have not done anything great or exciting so far in my single life either. Why? Fear of what lies at the end of the road? Fear of moving out of comfort zone? 

Lately, am taking good enough risks. House. Marriage. I learnt dance just cause I love dancing but never thought of performing on stage and coming Monday am performing for the third time in my life ( yeah if you consider those school day dance shows :-P ). May be someday I will have enough courage to publish my own book. Someday!