How much of your life is by Chance?

Also posted on MouthShut.

 Who does not like everything to be under control? Not left for chance or luck? Okay, I hear you. Let me rephrase that, I am not a person who like things left for chance, I like almost everything to be under control. Not necessarily under my control. But knowing that something can be controlled is what keeps me calm, sane and wise. The moment I know that its not in my hands nor in anyones hands( which I can reach) and is left to fate, destiny, luck and blah blah blah I loose my cool. And I am the most unpredictable person that can be. Now that can be dangerous, for all I know dangerous to myself.

Does that make me boring? Not taking any risks at all? No. As long as I can avoid risk I like my life to be on a steady boat( is there such a thing? For the boat to be steady it has to be on the ground not on the water). But when there is really nothing I can do about it, there cannot be a better fighter than I am. Bold to face anything and ready to make lemonades. And I believe almost all of us are born survivors. We somehow figure out a way. Humans are the most adaptive species of all, I believe. Then why is that whenever we have to face a real situation that decides the rest of your life solely based on your luck we freak out?

Today in our apartments there was a parking lot draw. All of us were asked to meet in the basement to pick their parking slots. And this was based on a draw. And first time I was way too worried about what slot I might get with which I will have to live woth for the rest of my life( yeah that may not be totally correct). In fact they had taken off 7 slots which were not good slots. And rest of all were equally good or equally bad. And the allotment was block wise. So what was there to be worried? I could see almost all other people there were also tensed. Few had loser faces already, as if they know their luck better and were already grateful to even get a parking slot. And few were hyper that they were constantly jibber-jabbering to overcome it.

Once each of us got our slots almost everyone was happy. At least I did not hear anyone whining about their pick. So what was all the hungama before the draw? I guess what everyone wanted was to get the BEST slot. Especially in my apartment there is no BEST slot. What is BEST for someone was not the same for other. Eventually everyone was happy with what they got. If one was asked which slot in particular they wanted no one could pinpoint one single slot. All of them said "one of those slots". So choice. Power to choose. We all had the power to choose but what is chosen is left to luck.

This is just an instance, but each day everything actually happens by chance. No matter how much I fool myself thinking I have it under control. From the moment you step out of your bed to the moment when you can go back to sleep hoping for another new day, everything is run by many things that are not under your control. Yet, as long as everything goes well, we think all is under control.

So, I am trying to give up on my compulsion to know everything, to be sure of everything and to be assured of everything. But I would not give up totally, that "Chance" gets to be the star of my life. It has to be me. Of course always thankful to Chance for her role in my life!

Multiplying Happiness

Some one today, when I wished them happy weekend replied back saying "multiply your happiness". I did not know what he meant, but usually they mean kids when they say that. Being a mother is something that I always wanted to be. My strong maternal instincts is what pushed me to get a pet. But lately I have been thinking that I have built too many boundaries around me without my knowledge. For almost an year we did not travel anywhere cause of my pet.

He is like a kid who constantly needs my attention, care and most importantly my time. He at times becomes too much for me. All these days I was able to manage him cause of my Mom. But NOW, I do not think I can manage all of this AND my job the same time.

I seriously think and have been hearing from people that kids may multiply your happiness but they also divide it, not both operations by the same amount though. I was in an illusion that am a good multi-tasker, but not really. I can only focus on one thing at a time. And when am on something am 200% on it that rest of the world seems oblivion to me. And kids into my life? Wow, the thought scares me! I used to love kids, but unruly kids just irritate me. Now I do not even touch those mean little things. I should be the meanest person to say this, I know ;-(.

Its not even an year and everyone around me is expecting the next big thing to happen to me. Why are all of them always on deadlines? I know the biological clock is ticking, but why should life be on a run?  We both surely have a long way to reach there. I wonder how people are having their second kids and all.

I just need a breather, I just need to ease off from these expectations, peer-pressure, milestones and what not. I want to be just happy, not happiness multi-fold. I am already feeling old. I want to be young talking absolute nonsense, irresponsible and dreamy, lost in a world of imagination than reality.

What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!

Roller Coaster Ride

I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.

Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.

Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!

Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!

Buhbye 2011, Welcome 2012

Been Happy


Year 2011. It indeed was a good year per se. I joined PDS, had a great accomplishments at career, got promoted, bought a flat. Well, why do I always talk first about work?! Well, that's the only thing which has never put me down, which never disappointed me. At personal front, still a single and I have no regrets about that. I have never been this happy before. I really am happy. Proof, I am 3 kgs over-weight. Never in my life did I exceed my ideal BMI index. I continued my aerobics classes. Started learning Japanese language. Personally I have grown so much this year. I have become so detached, independent. 

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear


Prior to this any small issue in profession or personal life, I had to call up someone and talk over it. Not just one call or one person. It went on till the problem got solved. Most of the times it was not even a problem. So, thanks to all those people who could bear listening to my gibber. So I learnt that all I had to do was just sleep over the matter. Talking or cribbing really never helped. It only augmented my anxiety. On the other side keeping calm did help me through the matters. I just had to wait and watch and things got resolved on their own or rather most of the times they needed no resolution at all. This is a great improvement in my personality. And this meant cutting off those people from my life whom I used to call up for each and every silly thing. I am not rude, am not an opportunist nor this means in-gratitude. It was good for me and for them.


Forget and Forgive

I had taken a major[really?] decision at the beginning of this year which needed lot of courage. And I could come through it. Initial few months were hell and man I can only thank you, GOD, Fate or whoever or whatever it is, for where I am. For giving me that courage to face the situation. 

I crib very less these days. I have a perfect schedule that keeps me busy, that keeps me energetic. I know how to keep me active, how to keep me happy. Sometimes I am so happy that I do not want anything to change. And that is when marriage topic scares the hell out of me. At this point I really am not sure if I really need someone to live with for a lifetime.


There is one person on this earth whom I can never ever forgive and nothing can change this. But surprisingly am able to forget and move on. I am not whiny anymore. I am not letting anyone take my precious time to make me feel sorry for myself or to get angry. I had a great birthday this time unlike last year. Life has always blessed me with good people around me. Touch wood.

Two Great Personalities I Got To Know

Charles Chaplin

Well, am still a movie buff. I was watching Iron Man series. Liked Robert Downye Jr. and started watching all his movies. One among those is "Chaplin" movie based on Charles Chaplin book "My Autobiography". Somehow, I missed all these geniuses before. Charles was such a versatile person who was into acting, music composing, directing, writing. He really was a genius. It is such a hard task to make people laugh. As a person he was flawed but he was great at what he did and what he gave to the world.

Steve Jobs

Yes, I still read books. I really hate biographies or non-fictions. I could not get myself to complete any non-fiction books. But wow. Kudos to Walter Isaacson. Biography of "Steve Jobs" is an awesome book and my second bible [ after Fountainhead]. And Steve is GOD. What I liked in both Charles or Steve is they loved their work more than anything else in the world. They lived on their success at work. It was the fuel that kept them going. They really were passionate people who stood up for what they saw the world as. Which is also a nature of mine and many think am a workaholic, that I take my job too seriously.

All in all thank you and goodbye 2011. Welcome 2012.

Alternate Life

When does your life start to split? You are an ambitious happy go-lucky person who is very enthusiastic about what life brings, and who is so optimistic and full of zest, who is very daring to dream. Who has so many plans of what to do, how to do, where to go, what to be etc. And suddenly you are this "I figured it all" person who seem to have understood life as in a complex system with boundaries. Who is calculative or pessimistic about every approach that you take. Who, to say, is just going with life. When does this happen? Or how does this happen? When do you start having two life's? After your college, when you have lost touch with those childhood/ college friends? After your first major trauma? After your first heartbreak? Once you start working?

Do you leave behind the life that you dreamt of and go on with the new life that you are obliged to live? Or do you have two separate life's one which is expected of you and one which you struggle to maintain in order to keep your sanity? No I am not talking about multiple personalities that people have with different people.

For some routine life of work, family, friends is life. Probably is the only life. For some their work like art, music, or any other profession which they  love and cherish is their life. Lucky ones. For some, there are two different life's. A secret life. Like an anonymous blogger, dance which they practice taking  time out of their routine life, writing, reading. For some this alternate life is also a life with a different set of people. Different set of friends.

To me this happened when I faced a family crisis for the first time in my life. Being an elder child whole responsibility was on me. That changed my life. That was when the split happened. I was no more cheerful, careless girl. I began to worry. I began to depend on people a lot. This took me away for a while from a life that I dreamt of. A life with no obligations, a life that is perfectly in my control. Life that involved art, travel, fun, friends, and writing. Even today to the people at my work, to my family am a successful woman who has come far. I am good or rather great at my routine job as a programmer having a steady successful promising career.

But this is not the life I dreamt of. I always wanted to be a student. A researcher. To study. To read. To know. I love reading. All this reading only made me more philosophical and pessimistic in my routine life. However, in my alternate life I still dream of impossibilities. I still believe that someday some miracle might happen and that I will find absolute bliss in what I am doing. My job as a programmer does make me high at times, but not always, because the kind of work that I get is decided by someone else. So in my alternate life I want to have a hobby or something to do which is totally under my control. Which I love doing. Which defines me. Which makes me feel the power of having your life under control. Which gives me hope. I tried blogging. I tried dance. I tried learning foreign language. I tried Photography. But I am unable to continue any of them. Not because I cannot take out time from my routine life. Not that I lack any inspiration or motivation. Books I read, movies I watch constantly motivate me. And I do have the fortitude to break free from the rut of routine. I do have friends or acquaintances who have these alternate life's where in they pursue their interests. Am glad to know their alternate life's. But I do not know what I miss.

May be someone who could appreciate all this? But isn't the point of having an alternate life is to keep you and only you happy. Is it not something that do only for you. Then what am I missing? Look at me, I have started this blog in 2003 and number of posts has not even hit 100. I understand that it is not about the numbers. But why do I loose track. Can I ever find a passion to life for?

Movies that inspire me, 

• Julie & Julia

Books that inspire me,

   

People whom I know personally who are successful in pursuing their dreams,

•  Kiran Kumar Kandi ( Photography ) 
• Smitha Narayanan Swami ( Arts) 
• Shiv ( Writing & Photography ) 
• Gilbert & Maria ( Writing and Art )

I will keep updating the above lists. I am sure they would keep growing.

Trust

I have major trust issues. I cannot trust in people, situations or my fate. When it comes to trusting people, I do not trust anyone in my family. I do not believe that they will stand by me, for me, or that they will catch me if I fall. Not because they do not intend to, but to them am the supporter. It's the other way, they expect be to be there for them. Friends, well I do trust them, but unfortunately, time and again, all those whom I trust in, are lost, by distance. By my bad fate yet again. So that makes me one sad loner [ like that a$$hole said]? According to dictionary Loner is someone who avoids the company of other people, so that's not me. 

Colleagues at work? No way. I do not trust anyone. Not even my manager. No body. So my Bigboss promised me a promotion so that I will join his team. But I did not trust in him. He said I can change my projects as per my wish, that too I did not trust. But guess what, he has gone out of his way to get things done for me. Just because he gave me a promise. How many people do that these days? Of course I deserve everything that he has done for me, but still how many would fight with people, make few enemies, just to honor talent? Sincerity? and passion to work? I was so surprised to see that he kept his words. I was a bit embarrassed not to have put trust in him and for worrying. Work wise, Sharad[Manager] and Imran[Teammate & Senior] was one team where in I need not have to worry a bit about politics. Life was so peaceful in DCBU. Damn peaceful.

And given any difficult situation in life where patience is the only answer, I have a huge problem in having faith that things are going to be OK. No matter how many people tell me that it is going to be OK, I cannot sleep till the time when things are resolved. I do not remember if I was like this always, or sometime down the line I changed, that I lost faith. I have gone through so much in life. Yet I am here, successful, independent, then why the hell cannot I trust in my fate? Of course at relationships or people I have failed miserably. But can that decide the rest of my life?


Why can't I be positive? Why can't I just TRUST? Why am I skeptical or pessimistic about life? Why don't I have a positive outlook on life? I am being overprotective of myself? Can I blame people in my life so far who made me so negative in my outlook? 


I have DECIDED to be positive. And just TRUST in the best. Let me see if all my fears are real, if all my worries are worthy. Wish me good luck.

Life Full Of Nothing

"The Secret In Their Eyes" is a Spanish movie and how did I end up watching this with subtitles? Well, I do not know how I land on these remarkable movies. Kudos to all the time that is spent on the internet. This movie is so poetic, touching, thought provoking, I only could imagine what emotions  movie could have stirred up, if I had known Spanish language. May be that is why they say language is not a barrier for a perfect art. Performances are brilliant that many a times I did not have to read the subtitles. I could read their eyes and know what they are trying to say!

Basic theme of this movie is passion. Everyone has a passion, that makes them live their life to the full, to the end. Passion is what keeps each of us going on. And this movie is a direct   question in the face, to those who lead their life's without any passion, as invalids. How do people live empty life's?

"A guy can change anything. His face, his home, his family, his girlfriend, his religion,his God. But there's one thing he can't change. He can't change his passion"

Movie starts with Benjamin Esposito, retired from Criminal Court, working on his novel. His novel is a fiction based on his own life, and one murder case that he solved during his tenure, but to which he could not provide justice. Reason? Office politics. And this constantly troubles him all his life. For the purpose of his novel, he revisits the case and tries to trace the murderer and the husband of the deceased. He believes that doing so, will make him be at peace with himself.  Movies goes back and forth in time, with flashbacks of his job at the Court, working with his friend Pablo Sandoval and lady boss Irene.

"How do you live a life full of nothing?"

Irene and Benjamin share the strange relationship of unspoken fondness for each other. In-spite of their mutual likeness, their relationship ends when Irene gets married to a man from her class/ status. He does not express his feelings for her openly, knowing that he can never match her social status. But in the novel he does.

Pablo the alter-ego of Benjamin, an alcoholic, plays a crucial part with the twists in the story. He adds the humor to the movie. This is an important character in the movie and you would know why only after watching the movie.

"If you keep going over the past, you're going to end up with a thousand pasts and no future."

Ricardo Morales, is the widower. He actively follows up on the case, to see that the murderer is punished. His love for his wife is true love. He visit train station everyday hoping that someday he would face the murderer. His pain and suffering is depicted poignantly. He says to Benjamin that killing the murderer is not the punishment, but having him live his entire life in a confined cell, with no hope than to wait for his death, living an empty life, is the best punishment that he deserves. But when the case is closed, he disappears from the city as if he had come to terms with the injustice.

Can Benjamin, after 25 years, find peace? Will his relationship with Irene ever blossom, in his novel and in his life? Are all the sacrifices done by him and people around him worthy of life? Does Ricardo get justice? Or the justice is already done? What is the passion that drives each of these four important characters of the story?

It's a classic movie based on love, crime, life. The ending of the movie plays a lot on your mind, and you just keep staring at the screen, contemplating everything that has been narrated so far and all you can do is nothing but marvel at it. It is true that all through the movie you feel disgust towards the murderer for brutal rape and murder of an innocent girl. But by the ending I bet if you do not feel sorry or pity for the murderer in the story.

It is a must watch.

The Hours of Our Lifes

What is Life made of? Meaningless routines? Regrets? Happiness? Quietness? Peace? Movie "The Hours" is based on life's of three women of three different generations. All they have in common is despair. Hopelessness. Desperate need to find a meaning to their life's and hence happiness. Novel "Mrs Dalloway" connects all these three women. One woman an author,  one woman who reads this novel and reflects on her own way of living, one woman who is actually living the novel.

Virginia Wolf is the author of the book "Mrs Dalloway" who is suffering from depression, hallucinations. She has failed twice with her suicide attempts. She is advised by doctors to stay in a serene, quite place Richmond away from London. Which to her is death. She prefers violent jolt of city life to eerie suburbs. She has a loving husband who is constantly threatened by her suicidal tendency. To her sister Nessa, Virginia's life seems perfect and thinks Virginia is very fortunate to live two life's. One that Virginia is leading and the book that she is writing. Virginia believes that there is certainty in death. Death is the only possible escape for her. This reflects so much in her novel where she is trying to kill one of the characters. When her husband questions why someone has to die, she says "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast"

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard."

Laura Brown is a pregnant housewife with a doting husband and a kid. She thinks she has lost her own life in being a wife, a mother. She is very unfulfilled and struggles to cope with a life that is ordained on her. A life without choices. She makes every effort to fit in, yet she is so unhappy and depressed. All this lead to thoughts of killing herself. What happens to her? Does she kill herself? Does she go back to her family and continue to live a life that does not define her? Or does she make a choice after all which she may or may not regret?

"It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? "

Clarissa Vaughan is the one who is living the novel Mrs Dalloway. A modern-day woman living with her gay partner. Who reassures herself that her life is not trivial by throwing parties and trying to be a good hostess. This is a meaningless routine that she builds to make her otherwise meaningless life worthy. She has an adopted girl child, a good career, a loving partner. But she cannot get over her young love Richard. Richard is an award winning poet, gay, and is suffering from AIDS. Richard and Clarissa share a beautiful relationship. Clarissa regrets her decision of losing her true love, soul-mate, friend Richard. She feels insignificant without Richard.

"Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't  go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have  been happier than we have been"

All of these woman have someone who loves them, who have something to carry on their life's with. But life is not about the hours that we live isn't it? It is not those meaningless hours that you spend on routines, years that you spend on trying to hold on a thing which is not you. Life is not the choices we made or not made. Life is about moments. Right there. Right then.

"I remember one morning getting up at  dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And  I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness.  This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It  never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was  the moment. Right then."
This movie may not be a perfect drama, may not help you in finding a meaning to life. May not give you a perspective. But it shows life as is and the rest is left to viewer's interpretations. Most of the movie is up for  your own perspective. This is not a sad story either. There are lot of positive messages through out the movie.


"To look life in the face, always,  to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know  it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always  the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the  hours."

I love the movie for the direction, and brilliant performances by Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julian Moore. Awards that they got for this movie are well deserved.

I, in the making

I have always wondered when people say "if it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger". That is so true. Time and again, its been proven in my case. Coming out of a tumultuous relationship has made me grow so much. I have risen above so much. No person on earth should go through the emotional turmoil that I have been through. Yes, betrayal is the worst way to be hurt. It damages your faith, hope and leaves you hanging on to the past, wondering how and why you ended up being in such a situation. But for sure TIME does heal everything. EVERYTHING. All you have to do is just have faith and hang in there. Not loosing hope or faith in life is such a tough thing to do...but slowly, painfully, you will heal through it. And when you are out of this rut, there is no winning like this one.

You develop so many obsessions, habits, routines when you are going through this phase of healing, and by chance you realize your hidden potential or you find your true interests. You start defining yourself. There is a secret behind every success. Mostly the reason being a painful passionate need to know oneself, with one ultimate goal, which is to be happy. Looking back I feel very luck to have had gone through so much in life at early years of my life. Having learned so much. There is nothing more left than leading to the path of happiness. Nothing more worse can happen. No more bad can happen. I am pretty sure. Only thing awaiting you is your happiness.

I am very proud of myself today.

Was just listening to this song while driving,

Weekend Gyan :)

I have been a person who always fought against the destiny. I am not sure if I succeeded or not, cause people tend to say that this IS your destiny and that is why you could be here. I never believed in luck, fate, destiny until late, when everything in my life seemed to be a play written by someone else and that am forced to enact my life.

But one thing I realized is "accepting life the way it is". Let me tell you that this IS NOT a loser's attitude. Its just what you do when you get wiser. Not everything in life is worth fighting for. Sometimes its ok to let it go, ok to accept the inevitability and move on with your life. That does not mean you are a failure, or that you did not get what you wanted. May be something better is waiting to happen, and its absolutely fine to let the past go by. Hanging on to things or past is the worst that a person can do to themselves.

NO ONE or NOTHING is worth your happiness, your life. Live peacefully, happily and be good to the people around you as much as you can and life will all be FINE.

Accept the inevitable.

Fading colors...

I had been to my hometown to attend my college alumni on saturday. It was great!!! All my friends returned back on the same day. But I stayed back thinking that I would spend some time with Dad, Grama n my brother. But to my disappointment my home was helter-skelter. There was some painting work goin on and it was all dusty, haywire.

I cursed myself for not going back to bangalore with my friends. There was no place to sit, couldn't watch TV, I could not even invite my friends home. I kept complaining for half the day.

Then came the artist in me. Since my childhood I enjoyed looking at the construction work[ this is why I was compelled to read the novel "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand]. After a long day at school, Dad used to take me to the construction site of our house and I was amazed looking at how within few months a stranded place is transformed into such a sweet place to live in. I enjoyed looking at pottery, painting. So I picked up a brush and started painting my home...and it was such a fun. I was totally engrossed in it. I was part of the chaos but I loved it. I was thinking this is how life is! So when you find yourself in chaos and a messy situation, check your primises[ as Ayn Rand says so] and see if you can be part of that chaos and enjoy it and go through it. Its time I need to repaint fading colors of my life.


Hmmm...another year passes by...everyone is busy planning for their new year parties and am here blogging...but no regrets...last year I had a blast, next year I would have a blast [ hopefully with someone special]...lemme enjoy it with my MOM this year!

For All We Know...

Life indeed brings many surprises...but how about these surprises being pleasant, sweet and memorable?

"Meeting a stranger in your life for a short period unexpectedly, who changes your life forever even before you know. You may not be together or may not meet again but you are left musing on their thoughts". Am talking about two romantic movies a recent bollywood movie "Jab We Met" and a Hollywood movie "Bridges of Madison County", which share the same plot of meeting a stranger by chance and falling in love with them. Aren't people in love crazy? But madness is sometimes a bliss. Wouldn't life be boring otherwise? What I liked most about them is they aren't usual mushy love stories, they are simple, cute and sweet, and convincing stories.

W00t...Iowa shown in Bridges and Madison County movie, is added to my list of places to visit...wow such a calm, serene place. I hope someday I would visit these bridges of madison county!!

[Lyrics of few songs in Bridges of Madison County]
...
For All We Know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
...

...
In a world of glitter and glow
In a world of tinsel and show
The unreal from the real thing is hard to know
...

[ Dialogs from Bridges of Madison County]
Francesca: And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.

Francesca: When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you.

Robert: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert Kincaid: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

Robert Kincaid: In this world of ambiguity, such kind of certainity comes once in a lifetime.

I could not stop listening to this song from Jab We Met...I would have played this song on and on umpteen number of times and am not bored yet!!!

Aaoge Jab Tum - Jab We Met (2007)

Movie : Jab We Met
Music Director: Pritam Chakraborty, Sandesh Shandilya
Singer: Ustad Rashid Khan


Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Naina tere kajrare
Naino pe hum dil hare hai
Anjane hi tere naino ne
Waade kiye kaie saare hai
Saanso he leher madam chale
To tu kahe barsega saawan
indicine.com
Barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

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Patterns...

Its very strange how life unfolds...they say history repeats, and yes it is true in my life. I see the same patterns repeating in my life with time. Same situations to face, but with different people, at different times. But yes my take on them though differs with time. I left Bangalore in 2004 and moved to Hyderabad. I hated myself a lot for doing so. I was missing Bangalore a lot and was finding it next to impossible to get adjusted in Hyderabad. Now am back in Bangalore in 2007. But strangely am missing Hyderabad and now I find it difficult to live here in Bangalore.

And with people, there are times when I feel that am the only person on this planet and sometimes am swamped with so many friends around me. Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I want to be part of that chaos, fun and frolic. When I think back, I wonder why it had to happen, and what was it intended for! Somehow, time has passed, people have changed and I realize that few things get close to the heart as memories, though I wished few things for not to have had happened.

I live so much in the past, that even when history repeats it hardly is noticeable to me ;-)

Life isn't read...

I wish Life was like a book which could be read and understood. Its been a long time since I picked up a book and finished reading it. Read many stories, auto-biographies, blogs...but everyone's life is different and its a mystery that cannot be solved. I personally have learnt a lot from my travails of life. Life is so complicated that it cannot be caught in a book.

Life isnt something to be read, not something to comprehend, not something to be learnt, nor something to be solved. Life is just to be experienced.

How Time bewitches?

I remember my school and college days...how passionate I was about life...about learning new things...about creating things. That is what I wanted to do...but never did I give a thought on what I want to be? Are "What you wanna do" and "What you wana be", two different questions that lead to two different paths? I never thought about being employed. I always wanted to create things...that leave you with a sense of satisfaction, things that are "yours", things that reflect your thoughts, your views, your skils, your values.

Today when I look back, is this what I have been doing past 4 years of my career? To the world I may be into those one of luckiest fields where you can mint money, where you can enjoy the luxuries that your parents have only dreamt of, where your first salary is more than what your DAD is earning at his retirement stage, where you enjoy the benifits of technology, hi-fi social life, marked lifestyle, meeting as many people as u can from different cultures, travelling places on business on the company epxenses....and it goes on!

Rest apart all my dreams, passions leave me perplexed and dejected. Feeling helpless. Choked in a messy situation not knowing where it leads to. Life may bring you many luxuries, but the greatest of the luxury or comfort is realizing one's dreams. But somehow I seem to have lost that passion, courage to dream, risk, explore...left with a sense of helpnessness. What has changed? Time or I?

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
=================
a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
=================
a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
===============

a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

Hiatus - Year 2005

This year 2005 I could say that my life has been in a hiatus.
Nothing much that I achieved, nothing much that I did, nothing much to write in the diary at the end of the day! I just kept goin on...with the time. There were no major changes in my life...no major plans as such. No special dates to remember. The only best part of the year is that I met my dear buddy Shanti again!

But this pause in my life is in a way good for introspection. I have many things to introspect on. Things that I have learnt, things that I've unlearnt. my commitments, my responisbilities, my reactions, my expectations from life. Things around me pretended to have changed....but it was my attitude towards them that has changed...attitude which was born out of patience or rather I would say endurance. Well, the one thing that I have been thirsty of these many days - "Peace" ultimately has surrendered to me.

- "Life without expectations is quite safe and sober but never intersetng r exciting"

I have been too tired of doing anything...even if it was a weekend I had been lazing at trying to catch up on my sleep or reading books. Its not bcos of laziness but bcos of no interest. Never tried to risk on anything or tried something new. Did not indulge in many parties...missing all the fun. Was not interested in exploring things...I just kept to myself all the time...thinking that I have the royalty of my own solitude. The best times were when I was at home away from office away from the busy world...just mediating on bygones.

All these was quiet comforting but always I had the feeling that I was missing something. Feeling of lacking something that was eating up within me.

- "Look for happiness within you."

Grass is always green on the other side of the mountain, Wherever you go its your attitude that keeps you happy but not the circumstances. Try to look for happiness in you not outside. One cant keep running from the problems, miscomforts, situations, people, and from oneself. As long as you stand still and face the world you could never live in this place of hypocrisy, feign gratitude. Patience and perseverance pays but very late, not when you expect it to but when it has to.

- "Be concerned not worried."

Most of the problems that anyone faces in this world are people itself. Its because we keep thiking all the time what others might think, we keep pleasing our fellow beings, we try to live up to their expectations, we live for others. And we mark ourselves as a failure when we fail to keep up to what other person feels or expects from us. Should we live for ourselves or for the people? Well we need to be concerned about them not worried about them.

- "Forgive people and, Accept them as they are."

When you do not want to live as per the rules or expectations set by others, you too cannot expect them to behave as per you. Everyone is unique in their attitudes and its natural. Give space and time to others, forgive them and accept them as they are. Be open-minded, sportive, easygoing and keep your heart lighter. Take it easy!

- "Always do what makes u feel happy."

Never ever try to stop yourself in doing something that you feel like doing and when your heart says its right. Keep yourself busy in indulging in something of your interest and try to live in the moment and live for the moment. Expect problems as inevitable. Accept life as it comes. Face the truth, the reality!

Do you still have a reason?

Everyone in this world has problems of their own, everyone has something to crib about, something to worry upon. We always have our own good reasons to complain about life. We end up falling into one of the two groups either listening to or imparting these words..."Be Positive". Well..its easier said than done. But this woman Kousalya has proved that nothing is impossible and has redefined the term 'positive'. No ordinary person could be so happy and content when he comes to know that he is living because he is not dying....thats why she is called an extra'ordinary' woman.

Ten years back, Kousalya an ordinary woman was diagnosed as an HIV patient, and was given a time of 2 months to live. At the time she came to know she is HIV positive, she did not even know what it meant. But it has been many years since she is fighting this disease. She has changed herself to a woman whos bold enough to come out into the society, which has stigmatized conceptions of HIV and AIDS patients. She has turned her misfortune as a reason to live, as her purpose of the life. She says -

"I could achieve all this because I was an HIV positive woman. I consider these some of the advantages of being a 'positive' woman! If I were not HIV positive, I would have lived like an ordinary woman in Namakkal!"

She lost her husband, a trcuk dirver who suffered from AIDS. But she says the most sickening thing that happened to her is the pain of betrayal which she cant digest to this day. Her husband knew he was HIV positive when he married Kousalya. In her words she says -

"I couldn't bear the thought of being cheated. More than sad, I was very, very angry," she says. "Even today, the thought of having been cheated is extremely painful to me. I still can't get over it."

But she still wears a smile that hides the valcano of pent-up anger. She says she channelises her anger which gives her lot of energy which she uses in doing better things. Today she is a member of INP Plus (Indian Network for Positive People Plus). INP Plus started a separate wing for women and children, called PWN Plus and Kousalya heads it. She has the courage to fight the virus within her body, the virus thats spread in the minds of people about HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) and AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) across the globe. She has given many international conferences on AIDA awarness. She feels herself as part of PWN. From a timid girl hesitant to speak even in Tamil, she has transformed into a woman who radiates confidence and is quite fluent in English. Today She finds no time for her think about her illness, or the betrayl, being involved in the activities of PWN. And riding her 2-wheeler and painting gives her a way to vent her feelings of misery.

Do we have the courage to face the reality, to fight the society, do we have the guts to deck our face with a beautiful smile accepting the betrayal, are we positive towards life? Do we still have a better reason than death to crib about our lives?

Far Away from Home

Many of us stay away from home/ family…for reasons like studies, career etc. For some it’s bliss and for some it’s a bane. For some it’s an ever-wished dream to enjoy their independence/ freedom without any one to tell you what to do and what not to do. As far as I have seen, many would prefer to live alone away from parents one their own.

Managing everything on your own (Living by yourself)

You are no more under the arena of love/ warmth/ care. You are the master of yourself where you plan your things. This makes you self-sufficient and independent. It builds your character, makes you self confident. It makes you assess ones strength and capabilities. On the contrary one becomes too much selfish, self-centered or in other words feel too much responsible about ourselves, that we don’t seek for others' suggestions in to account. We are kind of feeling better but being isolated, with a care-not attitude.

Neighborhood/ Environment

World is not always the best place. You are not guaranteed to get a good company wherever you go. And even if you plan to ignore the rest and try to live on your own your neighbors could be nosy enough to disturb you, who could sneak your privacy, who could foist their thoughts on you. It’s true that we need to have friends in order to compensate your loneliness but be choosy enough of your friends and beware of those who could sabotage you. Jealousy is one good enemy of a Relationship. Well it’s an attitude of mind, which endows you to survive against all odds. The magic is “Do not expect anything from any relationship, & everything received becomes beautiful, it may be a small courtesy of saying “Hello” from one of your friends! After all it’s your choice to live alone, & there’s a difference in living alone & being lonely!

Freedom

Everyone’s wish/ dream. Staying away from your parents you get utmost independence doing things, which might have gone against your will, due to parental concern, or their being orthodox/conservative. At times you would have limited yourself not in order to forgo your freedom but not to cause any inconvenience to your family/ parents. But now there is no one to put a check on you nor does you need to limit yourself. But it depends on what you choose to be which brings you a rewarding career and a happy life. Freedom doesn’t mean do whatever you feel like doing. You are away from your family but not away from the society/ culture that you are born and brought up. We can live without a family but not without a society. Make use of your intuition, astuteness in enjoying your freedom to make your life beautiful.

Loneliness( Homesickness)

It’s hard to live alone in this world without someone to listen to you, without someone to depend on. You miss all that care/ affection/ togetherness. There are going to be days when you feel totally alone and depressed. You might feel nothing is important other than being in a safe protected shield of care. All that you earn, all the independence you got everything seems to be immaterial when it comes to having someone who would always lookout for you. Don't leave family for the heck of it. Your parents' home is a good place to be. Live alone for the right reasons, if it helps you grow as a person, for your career, for better prospects, not because you want to get away from family…you just need to be with someone. Luxuries, money, confidence and stuff like that are not everything in life. Being with someone with whom you can share your moments; happy or sad, is what all of us should be looking at.

Decisions

You can’t have the luxury of leaving things for someone else in the family to decide on. Its you who need to decide on most of the day-to-day issues. Certainly u learn to grow no matter small or big problems u face in day-to-day life. Though there are possibilities of dilemma existing in the free flow of thoughts, sooner or later we get used to it and are able to take many important decisions of our own or rather due to circumstances of having nobody right away to consult with (keep aside the tele/e-contacts).

On the outline, staying away from home, yes its something one faces some time or the other. Its not about building your character and confidence. It’s not about making your career and making the right move in life. It’s not being self-dependent. It’s not about managing your money wisely. It’s not about missing the luxuries of life. Living alone is not at all adventurous, whatever reasons be.