Memories Are Always Rotten

De ja vu. I experience this quite a lot. Just when I started typing this post I had a De ja vu. Read so much on this concept and it still is intriguing.

Leo. Well, just yesterday is when I visited a hospital. Took Grandmother to get POP removed. No, visiting hospitals is not over. This morning we [ Mom, Grandma and I] found Leo limping. He seems to be having a problem with this left rear leg. And got an appointment in the evening. I am so tired of *taking care* of people. Anyways, all I can think of now is, Leo. I want him to be of sound health. I want him to be fit. Hope all is well with him. Can't wait for the Doc's appointment.

Last weekend I watched this Woody Allen's movie - Another Woman. I must say its Woody's best. Movie ends with this line "Is memory something that we have, or something that we lost?". This is exactly what has been on my mind lately. All those memories that I have cherished, longed for and have cried over, are just times that are lost. Gone. Past. And I was thinking that life is not about making memorable moments. Cause a memory good or bad is always a past and there is no point spending even a single moment on it. So I want to lead a life not to build those memorable moments but just living each moment to the fullest. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to look back and laugh, smile or cry over any of it. I wonder why I am blogging to this detail if that is the case!

Yesterday I my day at work was very grumpy. But guess what! I started the day with the same nasty mood. It was less than half an hour I realized that it was yesterday and today everything fell in place and got resolved. So it was a very peaceful day at work. I worry way too much. All I have to do is just wait and a take a breath and all is fine. It is true most of the times. While taking a breath I need to learn to shield from my emotions. My biggest challenge. Someday I will achieve it. Till then just wait. Just Wait. Well, coincidentally this song was being played on my music system while driving,

One thought that kept me nagging all the time. The thought of how a person who does so many mistakes can get away with it and be happy! Though I have not harmed anyone intentionally, have not lied to anyone, cheated anyone and who always takes the right path, suffer so much. Most of my suffering is emotional/ psychological. Guess it's my conscience. And people like Skunk, do not have a conscience. But should not they be punished in a way that makes them realize? Oh boy! Is there justice in this world? I do not know why this bothers me so much. It depresses me so much that others get away with anything while I don't seem to take even one step ahead without paying for mistakes that I did. Irony is that most of the times I do not know why am being punished. Sad part of my life.

But I will not give up! I will not succumb. I am very determined to be happy. And stay happy. Leo is my inspiration. No matter what condition he is in, every time a person walks into my kitchen, he goes behind them anticipating some goodies. He does not miss one single time. No matter what. No matter what time it is. He is determined. And so will I be. Love you Leo.

PS: This is the first time I ever mentioned Skunk on my blog, though my hatred for him has been nursed for sometime now. I tried hard to not mention him, not because I forgave or forgot, just because he is a filth not worth to be mentioned on my blog. But could not resist for long ;;-).

Delete Forever!

Sometimes it seems machines are far better to manage than human beings. They can be easily programmed to remember or destroy something completely from its memory. I saw this button in GMail – “Delete Forever”, they promise you for such a huge storage saying ‘Don't throw anything away’, but in that case why do they need to delete something forever. Why does anyone need to destroy anything completely? You just have to click on this and never could you have the trace of a certain email conversation. You are completely destroying the history of it. Wish the human memory too was that easy to manage. Things you want to reprogram, things you want to refresh from your memory, things you want to erase from the memory. I don’t know the reason why they have put up this but I felt that it would have had more value if I had that facility in my life.



I always believed in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and tracing the logic/ reason behind everything that was going around me. I have always been looking back in time. Thinking about the past, how it was, why it happened and how it happened. Thinking how great were those days of school/ college life. I can pick up anything from my past as if it happened before a day or so. But why don’t I realize that I can never touch them. Why don’t I realize that one can never put our arms around the memories? Why don’t I start to move on and look forward to newer /better things in life. On the path of life we not only hold the past in our heart but also a longing for a better future.

Today I received a mail that reads something like –“ Being in development, but working with the customer base is kind of like living in history! While much of development is working on future releases, those of us working with the customers are working with your past. And part of that history is how we got our processes, how information, bugs, and fixes move between support and development”. Myself being a developer who’s on support, at my work as well I deal with the past. Poor me!!!

Well with the memories that last a lifetime and with the best years of my life I move on!!!

My Dwelling Built on a Lake of Memories!

After a long time I got a leave for 3 days plus 2 days of weekend to go home, to my hometown Madanapalli. We have been living here since 1999. Though its not our native place am more attached to this place now. Whenever I go home it greets me with those old sweet memories of college days.

We shifted to this place for my graduation. This being a rural area I did not prefer to settle here then. I hated this place for the narrow minded and mean people there. But with time this has got to be one of most loving places. Not because its a beautiful place, but because I have seen the beauty of life here. Apart from this, the place has got a good climate as its on the foot of hill resort The Horsley Hills. Therez much to staying in such rural areas when compared to cities.

Since my childhood I had never studied in the same school for more than 2 years. I kept changing my schools for every 2 years as Dad had transfers. Though I had many friends couldn't keep the contacts for a long. My graduation is the time where I was with my friends for 4 years and we still continue to be friends. Its the time where I enjoyed to the fullest. Though we used to give a 'sincere students' impression to others I can say we have seen all the enjoyments of college life. Bunking classes, commenting on lecturers and guys, calling them by the nick names we have given to them, chitchatting most of the times in canteen, watching movies on the first day release, giving wrong calls,....

Those good old days!!! Am reminded of all these whenever I go to my hometown. Now that am working and had to behave more matured, more professional I just look back for those days. With time I feel as though am loosing all the "fun" in my life. There are many things that I wanna do but either my decency or the environment that I live now doesn't let me do so. Those few years glided in a wee. Whenever I think of Madanapalli the first thing I remember is our trio (Shanti, Bindu and I ) rather than my parents. We three made this place a "Shangri-la" for three of us.

If time permits I would love to spend last days of my life here in this place - My Dwelling Built on a Lake of Memories!