A Woman's Best Friend

Definitely not Diamonds.

Disclaimer: This post should be tagged with "Sappy", "Girly", "Senti"

I am a person who trusts no one. I always am cautious, cagey. Why? May be bitter experiences I guess. Said that,  I have never really opened up to anyone so much since...couple of years. All I have been doing is listening to people. Some of their problems were my problems too, but I never shared them. I only silently solaced in the joy that I am not alone. But the power of not sharing your other side gives you so much strength, and I wonder how. May be sharing with others, especially sharing your problems or worries, makes you weak. Weak, when you are openly admitting out loud to someone. And there creating a dependency on this person to share. Whether or not they solve your problems you still want to share even the silliest worry that is eating you up.

But on the contrary, not sharing and trying to deal with it just in your mind, somehow, I don't know[ may be have to read some psychology books :-P], makes you stronger. In a way it makes you live in denial that those problems don't exists in the first place. And every problem when given time, resolves on its own. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that TIME cannot solve. Sleeping over issues has really made a big difference in my life.

All said and done, I really miss MOM. I am talking so much to my MOM these days, and I know that she was always there, and is there. But only now I realize that she is my Best Friend. I have discussed everything with her. From my job to broken nails. And it really never mattered if she understood the subject that am talking about. Probably only person whom you can completely trust with. Only person who can never think of harming you or mistreating you or misusing your secrets. And most importantly who never judges you. And who would patiently listen when you go on and on and on about some silly thing which probably would not matter the next day.

If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

Mom,  I am missing you badly. Your absence is really showing me the big gap in my life right now. I did acknowledge your importance many a times, but no records can match your love. 

PS: Change cause of marriage - missed both Mothers Day & Father Day this year.

Guilt, Remorse or Pity

I know many of kids who want to be like their parents, a girl wanting to be like her MOM, a guy wanting to be like his Dad. Trying to imitate them, trying to imbibe their ideologies, mannerisms thinking that one day you would just be like them. This is the case of child with ‘Successful parents’. Successful in terms of financial or social status. Although this definition of being a successful parent is going to be redefined by me by the end of this post.

Bygone:

Am no different from being an ordinary person who wants to fit in the norms of society expectations. To me society is my friends acquaintances, so-called relatives.  Well that's pretty much a society for anyone isn’t it. Well am just being polite to myself from not identifying myself with those who worry about the judgment of every person they meet. Anyways, like any other struggling  middle class person, I hated my parents many a times. Be honest! Am sure each of us have gone through this. Each of us have judged our parents. I always wanted to be a better parent than my parents to my future kids. To give them everything that my parents did not give me. Most of these being not buying me that favorite dress or doll, not giving enough pocket money etc.  I always thought my DAD is a failure. With so many troubles that he faced in his life, I simply used to think that its his stupidity to land himself in those situations. That he is not smart enough.  I promised myself many a times that I am not going to be like him ever. And my MOM worries for every little thing.  And so many times I avoided discussing a problem with her just because she would compound my worries. But little did I realize what they have given me. A LIFE. An Identity of what I am today. The comfort that I get whenever I know that my MOM is worried for me. Knowing that she is there to cry with me. And that she is the only person on earth who would always, ALWAYS wish for my better.

Now:

Daddy visited  me last weekend.  I had to drop him at a bus stop on my way to office this Wednesday. We both got into my car.  For some reason, I was feeling very awkward.  Cause he is leaving? Cause I could not be a Son who could drop him at the Bus Station?  I myself have the luxury of a car to go to office but let him take a public transport to Bus Station? I could not think much on this as I had to concentrate on driving.

Finally his bus stop comes and he gets down. I hated myself to say ‘bye’ to Daddy. To wave him and say happy journey. I did not meet his eyes.  AS I was at the signal I could stop the car and see him in the rare view mirror. Poor man, walking all alone, by himself, with a bag on his shoulder that is weighing him down with burdens of the present, struggles of the past,  limitations of the age.  How could I comfortably sit in a car and watch him walk by?! I suddenly felt he is old. Time is such a bitch that it shows the meanness of life sooner or the later. He is not the same Daddy who was so strong, on whose shoulders I climbed, not the same Daddy who rough hands hurt my cheeks when he slapped me, whose strong arms held me when I was scared. I felt so sorry for him. Man who has ran through all the milestones of his life, is now walking with his bent shoulders.

I am not sure if it was guilt not being able to return back what he has given to me, or pity to see my father as a failure or hatred towards me to see him as a failure in the first place, that made me cry. Only words that came out of my mouth were “Daddy, I am so sorry”. I wish he had heard those words that am relieved from this pain. I wish I had ran back to him, gave him a big hug.

Now and Forever:

I proudly say that I have the worlds best parents. For giving us life, for making us what we are, for teaching us how important it is to be a human to actually SEE THE LIFE, FEEL THE LIFE AND LIVE THE LIFE.

You are the most successful parents  that we had, have and will have. FOREVER.

I love you Daddy, I love you MOM. I am proud and wish to be as selfless a person as each of you are.

Mother

You were there as a teacher to correct me
But I detested you for pointing out my mistakes
You were there as a guide to warn me
But I hated you for showing me the right way
You were there as a friend to advise me
But I ignored you for telling me what I need to know
You were there as a mother to protect me
But I despised you for being possesive about me

Though it took time to understand your love
am happy finally that you forgave us.
I know theres nothing in this world
as great as your forgiveness, as pure as your love for us.
I owe my life to all the pain and perseverance
you have taken to see us as ur reflections.

I hope you will be there with me in most
of the best and happiest moments in my life
Cos I see my success through your eyes.
I hope you will be there with me for the rest of my life
Cos I seek my happiness from you.

I love you "Ma".

I am sorry "MA"

Most of the times I have been hearing to the comments "ur so rude ", "u dont mind what others
think", "u dont have control when you are angry", "think before you say something".But I never used
to accept it...according to me its my way of behaving or responding.Afterall everyone could not be alike
in this world.

I did not repent till I had to face this situation with my family member - my mother.
I work in Bangalore and I go home every alternate weekend. And I carry my address book wherever I
go.My mother is very conscious about keeping things organized. She doesn't like anything lying here
and there. Even in our college days she used to arrange our book racks and mismanage them like she
used to keep them along with my sister's books and I used to find it difficult to locate my boooks. So if something is
lost or not seen in my home she was responsible. It happened many a times not only with me but with my other
family members as well.





And that day my address book was missing.I had to call up my boss to ask for leave and his number
was in that book.And we were not supposed to take leave without his permission. Everyone in the
house started blaming her for it. It had so many other important contact numbers.We searched a
lot but we couldn't find and I had to come back on monday to office. She was also very much upset for that book.
But all that she can say was I dint see it.But I had to say harsh words to my mother for which I repent for the
life time.I did not even bother to say bye to my mother while coming back to chennai.


Finally I reached my hostel and to my shock the address book was on my bed. I felt so bad and embarassed
for whatever I did at home and I rushed to pick up my cell and ring home. At the same time my cell rang
and the call was from home.As soon as I picked up the phone my mother had to say " Sorry da, cause of me
u were not able to take leave". Poor lady she had to accept the blame for something which she is not responsible for.
Tears poured down my cheeks. And I was not able to speak anything for few minutes. And I pulled up all my
courage to tell her that the book was with me and is not lost. But her reaction was "thank god u dint loose it".
But she did never complain for the words I spoke to her. The only person after God in this world who can forgive
you is a "MOTHER".Even today whenever I think of this I feel so sorry for my mother and without my knowledge
my eyes will be filled with tears.

Recollecting my statement "Afterall everyone could not be alike in this world". Everyone will not be as bighearted
as a mother is.First time in my life I had to accept that I was rude, I was harsh. Cause of my ego or whatever
I was not sorry for my rudeness.I was not bothered to think about how far others were right. But today I fell sorry
for those who are hurt cause of my rudeness or foolishness.