I Don't Know

Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.

It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants! 

May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life.  Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.

Ego

Ego...like many other emotions, within us which we do not realize. Its a very mystic feeling that can strike anyone and ruin them to any extent. This feeling of mine 'Ego' has been a very gud friend of mine rather I would say I hav been a very gud friend of it. I never used to allow anyone to damage my Ego. I have been cherishing this feeling of mine, giving it different names.....bluntness, self-esteem, audacity and what not? I did neither care for my parents nor my close pals as long as I was with my Ego. I wud prefer hurting myself but not my ego. Thanks to my family and friends to brook my eccentricities.

Anybody who tries to inflict my ego was my enemy. I was never a happy-heart with many grudges within me, with so much of loathing that was mysteriously making me loose my friends, who were supposed to have been my gud friends forever. That proves again that none other than family members could bear other's oddities. I was insecure whenever I used to rake on these old issues without thinking about what's going wrong with in me. As somebody said 'the mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven'.


I hated myself when I had to put down my ego aside to say 'sorry' to someone, albiet theres no mistake on my side. But what did I loose saying so? Let me too quench some one else's thirst for ego. I pity that person who's still ignorant to realize her/ his own feeling of 'ego', whos got the royalty of getting a sorry from me. But I no more repent or feel sorry for this. I care a darn for it. I do not atone any more, as long as it makes me feel lighter and happier. I never knew that its this easy to be a happier, mightier heart.




To many am a big fool who thinks beyond the boundaries lost in a fairyland. But I am my own role model who inspires me along my path of life. Again this is not any sort of vanity. Its zus a way of introspecting me, myself and my world. I no longer hold any contempts, I am no longer snobbish, but all that I am is with a more contended heart that sans hatred. Hmm...cheers to me!!!