To A Friend

I enrolled for driving classes in 2008 when I booked my car. It was a crash course for 10 days for an hour per day. First seven classes were taught and later 3 classes were taught right before the driving license test. I did not have the car then. All I could practice was with the vehicle that was provided by driving school. Within 5 days I was racing. Instructor was so impressed. Managed to get driving license. And I was dying to get hands on my own car and thought I do not need rest of the 5 practice classes! How delusional!

On the first day I went to the showroom to get the car - I did not drive it. I was so scared! Eventually someone drove it for me and got caught for crossing the speeding limit but could get a ticket as there was no registration number yet. Totally, not so great memories of owning a car. That evening when I tried to drive back home, realized I did not know driving at all. There were vehicles coming from every possible direction as if no one was following traffic rules, especially two-wheelers. People were cursing me for driving dead slow and adding to the traffic jam. And heavy vehicles seemed to be coming for me, to crush me, to kill me. On top of it I did not want a scratch on my brand new car before I show it to my Mom. And road suddenly seemed shrunk to 1/4 of its width. What a horror it was!

It was so easy to drive when someone else was there to control. When someone else was sitting right next to you, whom you can blame or who would support you or who would rescue you from accidents. That day, I was all alone. I felt like leaving the car right in the middle of the road and run away. Away from driving it. After that my car was sitting in the basement of my office for 2 months. I still was going back home by a rick. And I regretted buying a car.

Few people at office tried to help me teach driving, but they gave up for lack of patience( not from my side). Well, in their defense, I knew only one gear - second. Even till date I don't honor the speed-breakers and their purpose. And then I asked this friend of mine Appy( Arpan Srivatsava) and we made a deal. Everyday I would drop him back to home. All he has to do was sit there next to me and be there. He was my actual (driving) teacher. He taught me how to drive. Not only on the road but in life. He has been my biggest support for many years when I needed it the most. He was my well-wisher whom I can count on anytime, blindly. These words that he told me many times, keeps echoing over and again - "You may be on the right track, and following all the rules, but the other person might not. But when an accident happens both of you are damaged. So keep looking out for not only your mistakes but others too and play smart". Likewise life is not fair but being prepared for it makes you win. How could someone so younger to me, know so much about life than I do?

He knew how to appreciate people, value them and most importantly cherish them. He left the company for higher studies and he has been working in a different city. But all these years he kept in touch and meets us once in an year in the month of December. Every single year. Even though I love friends and value them the most as a family, I find it hard to manage or meet them. It took 6 months to meet my best friend who lives 15 kms away. But this guy, living thousands of kms away he manages to meet all of his friends. Guess we need such people in our lives. Arpan is the third friend of mine who is mentioned in my blog( after Bindu & Shanthi).

Today am a happy person and I feel am lucky. Stronger. And a good driver[ ,in spite of the scientific data that says women are bad drivers cause they have bad reflexes]. I should thank him for bringing all these, plus the "Confidence" in me, which will stay for long...and hopefully forever.

It is impossible for me to wish you all the good things, without mentioning all the good/ best things that you taught me and be thankful for all of those. Wishing you and Pooja the best of everything on your wedding.

Wish I could share this post with you so that I can avoid bringing a gift to the wedding :-P. On a serious note I have trouble showing my appreciation, and the biggest victim of it is my dearest husband. So you are getting a gift but not this post. Can't wait to meet you and Pooja, and all other good old buddies...Happy Married Life. I am sure for a person like you Gods of All the Worlds will be with you and take care of you :).

Men

How much you are judged when you are a woman? When you are someone's wife? All that you are as an independent woman is gone in a whiff? Would men ever change? Why do they give all that attention to some girl who is single even though they themselves are married and why do they suddenly change their care or attention when you are no more a single? Why do they think they do not need to be nice to you anymore? As if they get nothing being nice to you suddenly? What was it that they were expecting before and what is it now that has changed? Am glad that their intentions are revealed so easily. Now I get to know what kind of men they really are. And am happy to know who really are my good friends. 

Am really really greatful to all those people who still give me the same importance, same treatment, same concern, care and attention and who are really helping me through the wavering moods and haunting doubts. Thank you Ankit Singh, thank you Deepesh E. Am still the same person to these people. Am a friend in need to these people. Before my work ( and of course after, now a new addition my better half ) guess my friends are the most important aspect of my life. More than my family. Not an exaggeration, being an elder one at home am the one who give my parents the support that they need and I seek it from my friends. I have written so many posts about friends and I will continue writing more on them cause they never disappoint me in the journey of my life.

Alternate Life

When does your life start to split? You are an ambitious happy go-lucky person who is very enthusiastic about what life brings, and who is so optimistic and full of zest, who is very daring to dream. Who has so many plans of what to do, how to do, where to go, what to be etc. And suddenly you are this "I figured it all" person who seem to have understood life as in a complex system with boundaries. Who is calculative or pessimistic about every approach that you take. Who, to say, is just going with life. When does this happen? Or how does this happen? When do you start having two life's? After your college, when you have lost touch with those childhood/ college friends? After your first major trauma? After your first heartbreak? Once you start working?

Do you leave behind the life that you dreamt of and go on with the new life that you are obliged to live? Or do you have two separate life's one which is expected of you and one which you struggle to maintain in order to keep your sanity? No I am not talking about multiple personalities that people have with different people.

For some routine life of work, family, friends is life. Probably is the only life. For some their work like art, music, or any other profession which they  love and cherish is their life. Lucky ones. For some, there are two different life's. A secret life. Like an anonymous blogger, dance which they practice taking  time out of their routine life, writing, reading. For some this alternate life is also a life with a different set of people. Different set of friends.

To me this happened when I faced a family crisis for the first time in my life. Being an elder child whole responsibility was on me. That changed my life. That was when the split happened. I was no more cheerful, careless girl. I began to worry. I began to depend on people a lot. This took me away for a while from a life that I dreamt of. A life with no obligations, a life that is perfectly in my control. Life that involved art, travel, fun, friends, and writing. Even today to the people at my work, to my family am a successful woman who has come far. I am good or rather great at my routine job as a programmer having a steady successful promising career.

But this is not the life I dreamt of. I always wanted to be a student. A researcher. To study. To read. To know. I love reading. All this reading only made me more philosophical and pessimistic in my routine life. However, in my alternate life I still dream of impossibilities. I still believe that someday some miracle might happen and that I will find absolute bliss in what I am doing. My job as a programmer does make me high at times, but not always, because the kind of work that I get is decided by someone else. So in my alternate life I want to have a hobby or something to do which is totally under my control. Which I love doing. Which defines me. Which makes me feel the power of having your life under control. Which gives me hope. I tried blogging. I tried dance. I tried learning foreign language. I tried Photography. But I am unable to continue any of them. Not because I cannot take out time from my routine life. Not that I lack any inspiration or motivation. Books I read, movies I watch constantly motivate me. And I do have the fortitude to break free from the rut of routine. I do have friends or acquaintances who have these alternate life's where in they pursue their interests. Am glad to know their alternate life's. But I do not know what I miss.

May be someone who could appreciate all this? But isn't the point of having an alternate life is to keep you and only you happy. Is it not something that do only for you. Then what am I missing? Look at me, I have started this blog in 2003 and number of posts has not even hit 100. I understand that it is not about the numbers. But why do I loose track. Can I ever find a passion to life for?

Movies that inspire me, 

• Julie & Julia

Books that inspire me,

   

People whom I know personally who are successful in pursuing their dreams,

•  Kiran Kumar Kandi ( Photography ) 
• Smitha Narayanan Swami ( Arts) 
• Shiv ( Writing & Photography ) 
• Gilbert & Maria ( Writing and Art )

I will keep updating the above lists. I am sure they would keep growing.

I want to be a Birthday Girl!

I wan to be a birthday girl. I want to celebrate my birthday, which is 6 months away :-(.

I want to be pampered, I want all the attention, I want to feel admired!

Birthdays, special days...days when all the people wish you, for being what you are. Days which remind you of the number of people still around you. Days which bring back nostalgic memories. Days which make you feel good, special & happy.

Long forgotten friends, long distance calls. Relationships that were ignored for reasons like ego.

Nothing matters on this day. You forgive people for their past mistakes, and accept their wishes. Misunderstandings are merely wispy moments that are forgotten.

Probably the only day in the entire year when you are surprised by the down pour of wishes by so many people who were oblivion all this while. It makes you feel hopeful of all the relations/ ties in your life. Makes you feel that nothing has changed in the world and all is well, still the same.
Such a comfort! Comfort just for the day, as you probably know that the next day each of them would be back on the tracks of busy life. You would still be grateful, thankful and hopeful for having at least a word with these people who cared enough to wish on your day. I realize now the importance of these sepcial days...how much it means to wish a person on their special day, what difference it makes.

One of my friend celebrated his birthday yesterday and I could see how happy he is, how overwhelmed he is. In his words "having people is do damn nice, feels nice to know that there are so many people who like you. I feel sorry for not spending time with these friends. I always thought I am so busy and so they must be busy too. But the fact is, everybody is like me, they don't know they are loved till told. They don't know how many people admire them."

And I want all of this :-). I wish I had some special day which is not 6 months far! I wish I had a chance to know how many people I have in my life. Unfortunately last year I did not have such a great birthday. Except for my family members, I received only few phone calls that I can count on fingers. What happened suddenly? What has changed? Did I get old enough to loose all the friends or people in my life? Have I ignored people to the extent that no body cared to wish me on my day?! Is this what happens when you get older?

Also posted at I want to be Birthday Girl!

A Stranger To A Stranger

Parties. People. Fun. I always say yes to these. But most of the people well, people who do not fall into the categories of 'so-called' friends say that am a very reserved, matured, serious person. If you do not know me well, is that my problem? And I do not bother to explain myself to them. At times it is good to be treated this way. On the negative side people fear you, they think twice before they cross their limits to reach out to you, on the positive side they respect you, they are intrigued by you, for being a mysterious person.

Each of us are different people at different places of time and space. You are a different person at home, at office. You were a different person as a kid, as a grown up. But a stranger to yourself during all of these transitions, changes. You get familiar with the people, situations. With time everything changes to accommodate you, to make you more comfortable with your world around.

But do you remember those moments when you ended up being a stranger? A new school, new city, new college. A new job in a new office! What is it that makes the difference, that brings in the change that makes us more familiar to the situations. That makes people less distant? How does all of this work? What is the impression that you give when you meet an absolute stranger? Suppose you are in a library or at a bus stop and you meet a person there. Happen to exchange few words. Let the reason for these words be a necessity, or to kill mere boredom. If not a special striking attraction in the first sight :-P. What is a normal human reaction in such situations? Do you want to be yourself, or to be the best of yourself, or you do not care?! Or does it depend on the situations like how needy of friends you are? how irritated you are? how stupid you are?

To me it has always been this - a stranger is an alien to me. Not a harmful one though. But I simply treat them like a different species. Like a fly or an ant that we can ignore peacefully. Sorry for being rude, but till date I do not know how all the people in my life till date were once strangers to me. How did they end up being in my life? I seriously wonder how! Can I complain about this? I am glad that I do have people in my life who have a fair part in the play of my life, and who played their role when needed or demanded to their best.

I am just thinking if there is a theory or science behind this that converts a stranger to someone more meaningful to you. I am sure its not the attitude, looks, their dignity, their success, their beliefs, none of this counts. It must be simply a magic that happens. Somehow you end up meeting people, end up being their friends or more than that. There is no practice that you can adopt to make it happen with every other person that you meet in life. Cause I know that each of us would have people in our life's who in spite of spending years, moments, still remain strangers. Forever! There is nothing that can happen to change this. It is again only an illogical reasoning like 'magic' that can change all of this.

What if you have to live with a stranger each day of your life? For few it would be a challenging, exciting experience who enjoy talking to strangers and getting to know them. For people like me who are phobic to strangers, its a living nightmare. I hope I do not end up being a stranger to myself in this process of getting to know a stranger :-).

Of Fallen Leaves and Mud Balls

Copy paste from Sujata's blog. I found this post on my cavalier surfing. Ironically it was a perfect timing for my nostalgia for my close friends.

Staying at home in the evenings while the rest of the neighbourhood kids played outside. I remember the sounds of children outside under the crimson sky, and me listening to mother telling me a story.. of a leaf and a mud ball, who were the greatest of friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The mud ball was simply… mud coloured, fat and podgy and the leaf was light emerald green, delicate and pretty. And yet they cared a lot for each other.
They played together, laughed together, even danced together.. the leaf dancing gracefully and elegantly while the mud ball would flop around, trying hard to stay in step with his graceful friend.
Their affection made the forces of nature very jealous indeed.
The wind bragged “I am the most powerful one ! I shall blow hard and make the leaf fly away with me. That would be the end of this friendship.”
And so the wind blew as hard as it could.
The leaf started flying helplessly in the powerful gust and screamed for help. The mud ball panicked for a second, then suddenly thought of an idea. He jumped and sat on the leaf. The wind blew all he could, but could not separate the two friends.
Upon seeing this, the rain said “Now let me try – I shall melt this mud ball in seconds.”
And so the skies opened up and it rained heavily. The mud ball started dissolving in the rain and screamed. Suddenly he felt something covering him. It was gentle leaf who was lying on top of him and whispering “No one can harm you…. And no one can separate us.”
The rain poured and poured, but could do no harm.
The forces of nature got very angry indeed. They decided to unite together.
The rain and the wind came down in powerful gusts together. In a matter of seconds, the mud ball dissolved and disappeared in the earth… and the leaf blew far, far away.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother closed the book with a sigh. I looked at her with big eyes “Then what happened ?”
“Nothing.” She said.
“Didn’t they try to look for each other ?” I asked, my little heart breaking.
“Even if they tried, they would never have succeeded in finding each othere. The mud ball had ceased to exist. The leaf had blown too far away.”
My little world crumbled. For the first time, I realized that in my picture-perfect world, there exists… irreversible, irrevocable loss.
After that little poignant moment, every time I looked at a fallen leaf blowing in the autumn breeze, I wondered if it was searching for a lost friend, who would never be found again.
Looking back at my life, I have lived and relived many such moments when I have lost a friend due to well.. so many causes (read, wind) and always felt a poignant sadness, knowing that this is the end of that beautiful relationship I had been blessed with.
At the same time, it has made me value all those friends and family members who have been by my side and never left me, never said goodbye, no matter how much teh winds blew, no matter how much the rains poured.
Here’s to all fallen leaves and mud balls…. Life is too short. Stay by each other’s side. Let the winds blow. Let the rains pour on. Never say goodbye.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?

A Friend Like You

To Bindu

When nothing made sense

You were there to boost up my confidence

Without the things being told

You were the one who consoled

Everyone needs a friend like you

Who’s dependable and so true

Through the moments endured

I am so happy that you are there for sure.

The Pain of a Lost Friendship . . .

The pain of a lost friendship eats at your soul, nags at your heart
You try to black everything out but it tears you apart
You try to shove it in the back of your mind, never to be revealed
But everything reminds you of your best friend that suddenly disappeared
It hurts to think of the times the two of you had shared
Like days when all you seemed to do was care
Tears are your constant companions that you try to fight on the outside
But the constant pain of missing them is always on the inside
Don't ever let true friendship go
Let it flourish, let it grow
Then maybe you'll never have to feel
The things that I have written here . . .

Author : Unknown

Courtesy :4minutesperday



I felt each and every word in this poem very true. There could be many reasons for loosing a friend. And if its a true friendship
every one who lost their friend would feel the pain. Have you ever tried to reach her/ him and apolize for whatever has happened, albiet the mistake is not on our side? If so have you got ur friendship back? Come on... then you gotta cheer up for being such a lucky person.

Hope this message reaches you

As the time passes by, our friendship seems fading
Day by day with the hopes wading
Away from the promises that we made
To be togther in thick and thin till the end.


We together saw how beautiful the simple
Things in life are
We wished for each other looking at
The falling star
Our lifes filled with fun and grace
Making this world a better place


I could not find one reason why you left me alone
On your way as unknown, taking away my soul
Just leaving behind the memories of our relation
Which I would cherish for the rest of my life

I long to tell you how I feel
With the pain which only you could heal
I wish you the best wherever you are
I walk on my road of life pretending
That we are friends forever.




This is dedicated to you my dear friend( Shanthi).
I dont think I have been so much dependant on anyone
else apart from my parents. I still hope that we will
have those days back again...

Hoping for...

When the days get tough, when you find yourself lost in the world we look for a support, for a patient ear that can listen to you. And evryone thinks of their
close pal, but as the time runs we loose friends cause of negligence, anger, or
just circumstances. We are just left with their thoughts, the good times that we have spent with them, the support that remains with us.

Though our lives have gone in different directions am happy that I still have
those thoughts to treasure. Doesn't matter how busy I am but still I dont miss
out a chance to check mail from my friends. An email with a joke for the day or words of comfort for something going on in my life. It always comforts me to
know that I have some mails by the end of the day to reply. Hopefully this friendship day brings back me those friends who are lost cause of the reasons
unknown.Hope I can say with vanity that my friendhsip doesn't die or fade with time.

Its not a question... an answer for a better life

Has many forms, with many definitions
Has no boundaries, which can span miles and oceans
Doesn't grow old with time, which cannot be bought with a dime.

Bunch of promises to keep, without any hunch for sharing secrets
Starts with a "hai", grows with faith and never ends
That brings smile to ur face, having it in ones life is worthwhile.

My dear, its not any riddle nor a puzzle
its the best part of everyone's life .....its "Friendhsip"

HAAPY FRIENDHSIP DAY