What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!

Deadlines

I love deadlines. They kinda give an adrenaline rush. They push me. They challenge me. People sometimes call me "Time Table", "Scheduler" blah blah. But I like being on time. I like setting targets and aiming for them. Even if the target is for watching all the latest movies or finishing all those pending books lying around on the table for months now.

So I bought these 5 new books and seriously doubt if I can finish all of them in this year. I have got a list of movies to watch. Even the TV series that I watch regularly, and which I wait eagerly every week, are pending. I have so many arrangements to do for the upcoming events in my life, I have so many things to take care of, yet am just sitting idle doing nothing. I am not doing anything at all. I don't like this change in me. I don't like being a lazy ass. I don't like me now. Oh yeah, one thing am doing is thinking. I cannot stop myself from this. Just thoughts without actions is a torture. And to add to all of these my aerobics instructor is also on leave. The same fever seem to have caught her too.

I want a break. I really want to run-away, hide myself somewhere for a while in silence. And this is something that I can never muster enough courage to do. But someday! I will have my own retreat which I can escape to. For now, this is my plan for escape - all those TV series and movies.

Roller Coaster Ride

I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.

Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.

Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!

Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!

Trust

I have major trust issues. I cannot trust in people, situations or my fate. When it comes to trusting people, I do not trust anyone in my family. I do not believe that they will stand by me, for me, or that they will catch me if I fall. Not because they do not intend to, but to them am the supporter. It's the other way, they expect be to be there for them. Friends, well I do trust them, but unfortunately, time and again, all those whom I trust in, are lost, by distance. By my bad fate yet again. So that makes me one sad loner [ like that a$$hole said]? According to dictionary Loner is someone who avoids the company of other people, so that's not me. 

Colleagues at work? No way. I do not trust anyone. Not even my manager. No body. So my Bigboss promised me a promotion so that I will join his team. But I did not trust in him. He said I can change my projects as per my wish, that too I did not trust. But guess what, he has gone out of his way to get things done for me. Just because he gave me a promise. How many people do that these days? Of course I deserve everything that he has done for me, but still how many would fight with people, make few enemies, just to honor talent? Sincerity? and passion to work? I was so surprised to see that he kept his words. I was a bit embarrassed not to have put trust in him and for worrying. Work wise, Sharad[Manager] and Imran[Teammate & Senior] was one team where in I need not have to worry a bit about politics. Life was so peaceful in DCBU. Damn peaceful.

And given any difficult situation in life where patience is the only answer, I have a huge problem in having faith that things are going to be OK. No matter how many people tell me that it is going to be OK, I cannot sleep till the time when things are resolved. I do not remember if I was like this always, or sometime down the line I changed, that I lost faith. I have gone through so much in life. Yet I am here, successful, independent, then why the hell cannot I trust in my fate? Of course at relationships or people I have failed miserably. But can that decide the rest of my life?


Why can't I be positive? Why can't I just TRUST? Why am I skeptical or pessimistic about life? Why don't I have a positive outlook on life? I am being overprotective of myself? Can I blame people in my life so far who made me so negative in my outlook? 


I have DECIDED to be positive. And just TRUST in the best. Let me see if all my fears are real, if all my worries are worthy. Wish me good luck.

I, in the making

I have always wondered when people say "if it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger". That is so true. Time and again, its been proven in my case. Coming out of a tumultuous relationship has made me grow so much. I have risen above so much. No person on earth should go through the emotional turmoil that I have been through. Yes, betrayal is the worst way to be hurt. It damages your faith, hope and leaves you hanging on to the past, wondering how and why you ended up being in such a situation. But for sure TIME does heal everything. EVERYTHING. All you have to do is just have faith and hang in there. Not loosing hope or faith in life is such a tough thing to do...but slowly, painfully, you will heal through it. And when you are out of this rut, there is no winning like this one.

You develop so many obsessions, habits, routines when you are going through this phase of healing, and by chance you realize your hidden potential or you find your true interests. You start defining yourself. There is a secret behind every success. Mostly the reason being a painful passionate need to know oneself, with one ultimate goal, which is to be happy. Looking back I feel very luck to have had gone through so much in life at early years of my life. Having learned so much. There is nothing more left than leading to the path of happiness. Nothing more worse can happen. No more bad can happen. I am pretty sure. Only thing awaiting you is your happiness.

I am very proud of myself today.

Was just listening to this song while driving,

Self-worth

I believe that success at my work defines me. As if my whole worth and life is decided on how perfect I am at my job. That is the reason why I react to even a small issue at work. It bothers me a lot. A lot. I start thinking of alternatives. I start thinking of solutions. I just start thinking...and there is no stopping.

Looking back, I have been raised in a way where I believed that I am nothing if I don't stand first in the class. My marks, my ranks decided my worth. Should I be blaming my parents for this? May be. And now, even though there is no one to tell me what defines me, I seem to have assumed that it is my job. I always want to be the best. I want to be perfect. None of my friends or relationships that I have gave me a sense of who I am. What I am without my job. Except for two [ B & S ], who are far far away, no one ever gave me a feeling that they like me as a person, that they see me as something other than a successful woman or a topper in college. Not that I am a bad person. I like so many things about me. I am a good human being. I am intelligent. I am kind hearted. Helping person, most of all I am very humane. But all these are not the ones used to measure the worth of a person. Looks like it. If I had no job, if I was dumb would any of these people who were in my life still value my friendship or relationship with me? Would any of these people respect me as a human being? Guess not.

Respect defines me. And I get that from my job. If someday I am married, and a mother, would I still be looking for my self-worth through a job or through my family? Have I got all my basics wrong or am I in a world where everything is so screwed up? Do I need help?

How do people like Skunk live? Without a character, without respect? Can I live like them? Like losers? Without self-respect and conscience?

Letting Things Happen

I realize lately that all the best things in my life so far have been those which happened to me. And which turned out to be the best. For my good. When I trace back to every good thing in my life, family, friends, education, career, my pet Leo, all of them happened to me. I know friends and family are never our choices :-). But I also know of few people in my life whom I wanted to be my friends forever, are not there anymore in my life. Is that a good thing, I do not know, but am thankful for those friends who happened to me and who are still in my life.

Choosing computer science as my major in my graduation happened to me. There were many people who opted out of it, during the recession period thinking that there is no future for computers. But am glad I landed in this field. The companies I worked or working for. Places I lived [ Oh yeah Jubilee Hills, Hyderabad & HSR Layout, Bangalore are my favorite places on earth, I would like to blog about this sometime soon]. Career moves that I made. All of it. Just happened for the best.

Studying abroad was my passionate dream. I did not even apply for any jobs after my graduation thinking that I am meant to be a student. But I have no regret at all for not doing MS. Likewise I can pick up so many best things in my life all of which are something that happened to me. Somehow "making things happen" pushed me farther away from the reality, while on the other hand "letting things happen" gave me a dream come true feel.

I am not sure if this is the right attitude to be leading a life. But I have my own theory. Very few things that I tried to make it happen, left me only with a huge disappointment, pain or regret. Regret to have even tried them in the first place. Trying to make things happen always involves fear, insecurity, worry that it might not happen. Murphy's law says anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. When you can make it happen, you may be proud for a while that you could do it, but it is not magical. It would not last a lifetime. Life is not about great things that you had but the magical moments that took your breath away. Things that bring a smile on your face, a perfect satisfaction that the journey was worthwhile.

On the other hand letting things happen needs a strong belief system. An unrelenting positive attitude to look forward to things, and always hope for the best to happen. This attitude makes you get along with life. Accepting things. And this makes you less frustrated, and gives a better understanding or clarity to your life. And when things happen the way you want it, its the most magical thing on earth. If they do not happen, you are already prepared for it. As you did not put in any efforts in the first place. This is not a giving up on life attitude. This is just accepting life the way it is. Bemusing, magical, thrilling, hopeful.

Can you look back at your life and count those magical moments that happened to you?

PS: I am a strong believer in logic and reasoning. I am still struggling between choosing "Make It Happen" and "Letting Things Happen". But if I had to look back in my life, I have been the happiest person when I let things happen. And the most magical moments were a result of this.

Touch Wood! :-))

I want to be a Birthday Girl!

I wan to be a birthday girl. I want to celebrate my birthday, which is 6 months away :-(.

I want to be pampered, I want all the attention, I want to feel admired!

Birthdays, special days...days when all the people wish you, for being what you are. Days which remind you of the number of people still around you. Days which bring back nostalgic memories. Days which make you feel good, special & happy.

Long forgotten friends, long distance calls. Relationships that were ignored for reasons like ego.

Nothing matters on this day. You forgive people for their past mistakes, and accept their wishes. Misunderstandings are merely wispy moments that are forgotten.

Probably the only day in the entire year when you are surprised by the down pour of wishes by so many people who were oblivion all this while. It makes you feel hopeful of all the relations/ ties in your life. Makes you feel that nothing has changed in the world and all is well, still the same.
Such a comfort! Comfort just for the day, as you probably know that the next day each of them would be back on the tracks of busy life. You would still be grateful, thankful and hopeful for having at least a word with these people who cared enough to wish on your day. I realize now the importance of these sepcial days...how much it means to wish a person on their special day, what difference it makes.

One of my friend celebrated his birthday yesterday and I could see how happy he is, how overwhelmed he is. In his words "having people is do damn nice, feels nice to know that there are so many people who like you. I feel sorry for not spending time with these friends. I always thought I am so busy and so they must be busy too. But the fact is, everybody is like me, they don't know they are loved till told. They don't know how many people admire them."

And I want all of this :-). I wish I had some special day which is not 6 months far! I wish I had a chance to know how many people I have in my life. Unfortunately last year I did not have such a great birthday. Except for my family members, I received only few phone calls that I can count on fingers. What happened suddenly? What has changed? Did I get old enough to loose all the friends or people in my life? Have I ignored people to the extent that no body cared to wish me on my day?! Is this what happens when you get older?

Also posted at I want to be Birthday Girl!

A Stranger To A Stranger

Parties. People. Fun. I always say yes to these. But most of the people well, people who do not fall into the categories of 'so-called' friends say that am a very reserved, matured, serious person. If you do not know me well, is that my problem? And I do not bother to explain myself to them. At times it is good to be treated this way. On the negative side people fear you, they think twice before they cross their limits to reach out to you, on the positive side they respect you, they are intrigued by you, for being a mysterious person.

Each of us are different people at different places of time and space. You are a different person at home, at office. You were a different person as a kid, as a grown up. But a stranger to yourself during all of these transitions, changes. You get familiar with the people, situations. With time everything changes to accommodate you, to make you more comfortable with your world around.

But do you remember those moments when you ended up being a stranger? A new school, new city, new college. A new job in a new office! What is it that makes the difference, that brings in the change that makes us more familiar to the situations. That makes people less distant? How does all of this work? What is the impression that you give when you meet an absolute stranger? Suppose you are in a library or at a bus stop and you meet a person there. Happen to exchange few words. Let the reason for these words be a necessity, or to kill mere boredom. If not a special striking attraction in the first sight :-P. What is a normal human reaction in such situations? Do you want to be yourself, or to be the best of yourself, or you do not care?! Or does it depend on the situations like how needy of friends you are? how irritated you are? how stupid you are?

To me it has always been this - a stranger is an alien to me. Not a harmful one though. But I simply treat them like a different species. Like a fly or an ant that we can ignore peacefully. Sorry for being rude, but till date I do not know how all the people in my life till date were once strangers to me. How did they end up being in my life? I seriously wonder how! Can I complain about this? I am glad that I do have people in my life who have a fair part in the play of my life, and who played their role when needed or demanded to their best.

I am just thinking if there is a theory or science behind this that converts a stranger to someone more meaningful to you. I am sure its not the attitude, looks, their dignity, their success, their beliefs, none of this counts. It must be simply a magic that happens. Somehow you end up meeting people, end up being their friends or more than that. There is no practice that you can adopt to make it happen with every other person that you meet in life. Cause I know that each of us would have people in our life's who in spite of spending years, moments, still remain strangers. Forever! There is nothing that can happen to change this. It is again only an illogical reasoning like 'magic' that can change all of this.

What if you have to live with a stranger each day of your life? For few it would be a challenging, exciting experience who enjoy talking to strangers and getting to know them. For people like me who are phobic to strangers, its a living nightmare. I hope I do not end up being a stranger to myself in this process of getting to know a stranger :-).

Guilt, Remorse or Pity

I know many of kids who want to be like their parents, a girl wanting to be like her MOM, a guy wanting to be like his Dad. Trying to imitate them, trying to imbibe their ideologies, mannerisms thinking that one day you would just be like them. This is the case of child with ‘Successful parents’. Successful in terms of financial or social status. Although this definition of being a successful parent is going to be redefined by me by the end of this post.

Bygone:

Am no different from being an ordinary person who wants to fit in the norms of society expectations. To me society is my friends acquaintances, so-called relatives.  Well that's pretty much a society for anyone isn’t it. Well am just being polite to myself from not identifying myself with those who worry about the judgment of every person they meet. Anyways, like any other struggling  middle class person, I hated my parents many a times. Be honest! Am sure each of us have gone through this. Each of us have judged our parents. I always wanted to be a better parent than my parents to my future kids. To give them everything that my parents did not give me. Most of these being not buying me that favorite dress or doll, not giving enough pocket money etc.  I always thought my DAD is a failure. With so many troubles that he faced in his life, I simply used to think that its his stupidity to land himself in those situations. That he is not smart enough.  I promised myself many a times that I am not going to be like him ever. And my MOM worries for every little thing.  And so many times I avoided discussing a problem with her just because she would compound my worries. But little did I realize what they have given me. A LIFE. An Identity of what I am today. The comfort that I get whenever I know that my MOM is worried for me. Knowing that she is there to cry with me. And that she is the only person on earth who would always, ALWAYS wish for my better.

Now:

Daddy visited  me last weekend.  I had to drop him at a bus stop on my way to office this Wednesday. We both got into my car.  For some reason, I was feeling very awkward.  Cause he is leaving? Cause I could not be a Son who could drop him at the Bus Station?  I myself have the luxury of a car to go to office but let him take a public transport to Bus Station? I could not think much on this as I had to concentrate on driving.

Finally his bus stop comes and he gets down. I hated myself to say ‘bye’ to Daddy. To wave him and say happy journey. I did not meet his eyes.  AS I was at the signal I could stop the car and see him in the rare view mirror. Poor man, walking all alone, by himself, with a bag on his shoulder that is weighing him down with burdens of the present, struggles of the past,  limitations of the age.  How could I comfortably sit in a car and watch him walk by?! I suddenly felt he is old. Time is such a bitch that it shows the meanness of life sooner or the later. He is not the same Daddy who was so strong, on whose shoulders I climbed, not the same Daddy who rough hands hurt my cheeks when he slapped me, whose strong arms held me when I was scared. I felt so sorry for him. Man who has ran through all the milestones of his life, is now walking with his bent shoulders.

I am not sure if it was guilt not being able to return back what he has given to me, or pity to see my father as a failure or hatred towards me to see him as a failure in the first place, that made me cry. Only words that came out of my mouth were “Daddy, I am so sorry”. I wish he had heard those words that am relieved from this pain. I wish I had ran back to him, gave him a big hug.

Now and Forever:

I proudly say that I have the worlds best parents. For giving us life, for making us what we are, for teaching us how important it is to be a human to actually SEE THE LIFE, FEEL THE LIFE AND LIVE THE LIFE.

You are the most successful parents  that we had, have and will have. FOREVER.

I love you Daddy, I love you MOM. I am proud and wish to be as selfless a person as each of you are.

Woe Is Me

Definition of the Phrase "Woe is Me":

"This means that you are sad or in a difficult situation"
"I am distressed; sad; grieved"

Everyone has a bad day at work. I am the current victim. Today is my so called dour day in office. I take my job too seriously. If I am happy at profession, I am happy in personal life too. JOB does play an important role in my Life. May be because the freedom, financial independence, choice to choose and define my life comes from my job. And the same job is also a reason for the stress that I dread in my day-to-day life. And today is one such unpleasant day.

It hurts so much that in spite of all the efforts that you put in, the product that you developed failed in some corner case, and that only customer finds such issue, and that you get an email about the failure with your manager copied on the email. And this happens to be the first email that you check! Wow! What a start?! Your immediate reaction will be to deny the failure. Reply to the customer saying NO it never failed in my case. And with lot of courage you do run through the same steps to reproduce the issue and THERE it is! THE BUG!

Your own script/ product that you developed mocks at you. You try to re-run the same steps not able to believe how it could deceive you by failing. How it could elude you for these many days. You feel cheated by your program. You feel frustrated. You feel an immense disgrace as though you have been questioned by million people to whom you owe a product that NEVER fails. NEVER?! Even GOD makes mistakes. Why cant I? :-(

Anyways, with all this running in your mind, you don’t feel like fixing the program. Taking the revenge. Instead you want to cry like a baby. Deny every responsibility for the failure. Hide your face with someone's hug. This is when you need someone to talk to. Pour out your heart. To whom you could yell! Scream! Let out all the frustrations! Someone who could accept you with all your failures. Someone would say "Its alright!". And its an added bonus if that someone is a special someone. That one person whose voice could set everything right in your world. Everything is a NOTHING. A JOB that is so important to you suddenly becomes a zilch. And your Life seems so easy where few words from this person can set right almost anything and everything. And you are back to terms with everything around you.

How many of us have such people/ special someone in our lives? How many of us can pick a phone and call him/ her and get that perfect medicine to straighten a screwed up day! If you have answers to these questions, you know what to do next time you are going through a bad day!

By the way, is there a solution, where in you know what makes you happy but not able to get it for various reasons?

A Treat to Oneself

Feb 27th - Mar 1st. Long weekend? To me its been a short weekend. What has been making my days shorter day by day? What’s been keeping me busy, occupied? Two things. One, my pet Leo. Two, cooking. Of course apart from the job that I have which pays!

LEO: I can go on and on about this funny little puppy, Leo. There has never been a day when I did not smile or laugh cause of him. He commands all the attention from me, claims all the love for him, and in return he gives me a LIFE worth living.

 I need no alarm to wake me up, he wakes me up with his whining for his mornings nature call. I have no fear sleeping alone, cause I know that this angel of mine is watching over me. When am driving back home, I know that a LIFE is waiting for me to be back home :-). I know that the moment I step into my home, he would greet me with such a passion and love that my days miffs are gone in a whiff. JUST LIKE THAT!

So apart from office work my second job is to take care of this monster. This employer pays me with lots of love, happiness, and a fun-filled life. I spend most of my time cleaning up the mess that he created whole day being at home, feeding him, playing with him. Finally, when he gets tired, I get to my third job, where am both the employer and the employee.

COOKING: There is a place in your sweet little home, which few discover quite early, which few lethargic people like me avoid. But a place where everyone some or the other day has to step in. Am sure everyone would have a story to tell about their travails of this place. Well, am talking about that refuge in your own house called KITCHEN. For few this place is such a comfort, a place you elude to from the stressful or a boring mundane day.

It took quite a long for me to explore this place. Better late than never. Living in a city alone, one or the other day you are bound to find it. And am glad I did.

I have heard people talk, write and experiment cooking, and how much they enjoy doing that. I was not able to relate to them. But now I do. Though I have not done any experiments yet, I enjoy cooking. There were days when I complained cooking for oneself, saying its such a boring task to cook for oneself. But this long weekend I decided to please myself in every possible way that I could. I bought fresh flowers, I my favorite chocolates, ice creams and I treated myself with a nice home cooked food.

This is when I realized different colors of vegetable and how yummy they look, how they turn into a different color when cooked or fried. How a combination of different spices adds to the taste. Mouth watering flavors...and seasoning your food adds to your own aesthetic sense. Cutting vegetables is such a nice stress buster ;-).

Well with this my new job of being a chef at my home restaurant I find 24 hours in a day not sufficient to juggle between a job that pays, a dog that is 3 months old and a life that runs at the speed of time :-p.

Weekend Gyan :)

I have been a person who always fought against the destiny. I am not sure if I succeeded or not, cause people tend to say that this IS your destiny and that is why you could be here. I never believed in luck, fate, destiny until late, when everything in my life seemed to be a play written by someone else and that am forced to enact my life.

But one thing I realized is "accepting life the way it is". Let me tell you that this IS NOT a loser's attitude. Its just what you do when you get wiser. Not everything in life is worth fighting for. Sometimes its ok to let it go, ok to accept the inevitability and move on with your life. That does not mean you are a failure, or that you did not get what you wanted. May be something better is waiting to happen, and its absolutely fine to let the past go by. Hanging on to things or past is the worst that a person can do to themselves.

NO ONE or NOTHING is worth your happiness, your life. Live peacefully, happily and be good to the people around you as much as you can and life will all be FINE.

Accept the inevitable.

Fading colors...

I had been to my hometown to attend my college alumni on saturday. It was great!!! All my friends returned back on the same day. But I stayed back thinking that I would spend some time with Dad, Grama n my brother. But to my disappointment my home was helter-skelter. There was some painting work goin on and it was all dusty, haywire.

I cursed myself for not going back to bangalore with my friends. There was no place to sit, couldn't watch TV, I could not even invite my friends home. I kept complaining for half the day.

Then came the artist in me. Since my childhood I enjoyed looking at the construction work[ this is why I was compelled to read the novel "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand]. After a long day at school, Dad used to take me to the construction site of our house and I was amazed looking at how within few months a stranded place is transformed into such a sweet place to live in. I enjoyed looking at pottery, painting. So I picked up a brush and started painting my home...and it was such a fun. I was totally engrossed in it. I was part of the chaos but I loved it. I was thinking this is how life is! So when you find yourself in chaos and a messy situation, check your primises[ as Ayn Rand says so] and see if you can be part of that chaos and enjoy it and go through it. Its time I need to repaint fading colors of my life.


Hmmm...another year passes by...everyone is busy planning for their new year parties and am here blogging...but no regrets...last year I had a blast, next year I would have a blast [ hopefully with someone special]...lemme enjoy it with my MOM this year!

Patterns...

Its very strange how life unfolds...they say history repeats, and yes it is true in my life. I see the same patterns repeating in my life with time. Same situations to face, but with different people, at different times. But yes my take on them though differs with time. I left Bangalore in 2004 and moved to Hyderabad. I hated myself a lot for doing so. I was missing Bangalore a lot and was finding it next to impossible to get adjusted in Hyderabad. Now am back in Bangalore in 2007. But strangely am missing Hyderabad and now I find it difficult to live here in Bangalore.

And with people, there are times when I feel that am the only person on this planet and sometimes am swamped with so many friends around me. Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I want to be part of that chaos, fun and frolic. When I think back, I wonder why it had to happen, and what was it intended for! Somehow, time has passed, people have changed and I realize that few things get close to the heart as memories, though I wished few things for not to have had happened.

I live so much in the past, that even when history repeats it hardly is noticeable to me ;-)

How Time bewitches?

I remember my school and college days...how passionate I was about life...about learning new things...about creating things. That is what I wanted to do...but never did I give a thought on what I want to be? Are "What you wanna do" and "What you wana be", two different questions that lead to two different paths? I never thought about being employed. I always wanted to create things...that leave you with a sense of satisfaction, things that are "yours", things that reflect your thoughts, your views, your skils, your values.

Today when I look back, is this what I have been doing past 4 years of my career? To the world I may be into those one of luckiest fields where you can mint money, where you can enjoy the luxuries that your parents have only dreamt of, where your first salary is more than what your DAD is earning at his retirement stage, where you enjoy the benifits of technology, hi-fi social life, marked lifestyle, meeting as many people as u can from different cultures, travelling places on business on the company epxenses....and it goes on!

Rest apart all my dreams, passions leave me perplexed and dejected. Feeling helpless. Choked in a messy situation not knowing where it leads to. Life may bring you many luxuries, but the greatest of the luxury or comfort is realizing one's dreams. But somehow I seem to have lost that passion, courage to dream, risk, explore...left with a sense of helpnessness. What has changed? Time or I?

Salsa!

Finally I joined Salsa last saturday! There have been many changes in my life in the last one year. Many things learnt and unlearnt. Joined Institute de Fancaise to learn French. Had this urge of learning dance since a long time and yes I joined Steps Institue for Salsa classes. Well it did not excite me much though. French classes were real fun! Early morning classes, assignments....feeling like a student all again! Feel good experience!

But Salsa....yes its just 2 classes that I attended, but its not all that fun and excitement. Lets see how I feel about it if I continue the classes, by the end of 3 months from now ;)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
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a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
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a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
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a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?

Hiatus - Year 2005

This year 2005 I could say that my life has been in a hiatus.
Nothing much that I achieved, nothing much that I did, nothing much to write in the diary at the end of the day! I just kept goin on...with the time. There were no major changes in my life...no major plans as such. No special dates to remember. The only best part of the year is that I met my dear buddy Shanti again!

But this pause in my life is in a way good for introspection. I have many things to introspect on. Things that I have learnt, things that I've unlearnt. my commitments, my responisbilities, my reactions, my expectations from life. Things around me pretended to have changed....but it was my attitude towards them that has changed...attitude which was born out of patience or rather I would say endurance. Well, the one thing that I have been thirsty of these many days - "Peace" ultimately has surrendered to me.

- "Life without expectations is quite safe and sober but never intersetng r exciting"

I have been too tired of doing anything...even if it was a weekend I had been lazing at trying to catch up on my sleep or reading books. Its not bcos of laziness but bcos of no interest. Never tried to risk on anything or tried something new. Did not indulge in many parties...missing all the fun. Was not interested in exploring things...I just kept to myself all the time...thinking that I have the royalty of my own solitude. The best times were when I was at home away from office away from the busy world...just mediating on bygones.

All these was quiet comforting but always I had the feeling that I was missing something. Feeling of lacking something that was eating up within me.

- "Look for happiness within you."

Grass is always green on the other side of the mountain, Wherever you go its your attitude that keeps you happy but not the circumstances. Try to look for happiness in you not outside. One cant keep running from the problems, miscomforts, situations, people, and from oneself. As long as you stand still and face the world you could never live in this place of hypocrisy, feign gratitude. Patience and perseverance pays but very late, not when you expect it to but when it has to.

- "Be concerned not worried."

Most of the problems that anyone faces in this world are people itself. Its because we keep thiking all the time what others might think, we keep pleasing our fellow beings, we try to live up to their expectations, we live for others. And we mark ourselves as a failure when we fail to keep up to what other person feels or expects from us. Should we live for ourselves or for the people? Well we need to be concerned about them not worried about them.

- "Forgive people and, Accept them as they are."

When you do not want to live as per the rules or expectations set by others, you too cannot expect them to behave as per you. Everyone is unique in their attitudes and its natural. Give space and time to others, forgive them and accept them as they are. Be open-minded, sportive, easygoing and keep your heart lighter. Take it easy!

- "Always do what makes u feel happy."

Never ever try to stop yourself in doing something that you feel like doing and when your heart says its right. Keep yourself busy in indulging in something of your interest and try to live in the moment and live for the moment. Expect problems as inevitable. Accept life as it comes. Face the truth, the reality!