Love Is In The Air

Your heart flutters. Your head spins. You go dizzy. Only thing you can see is his face and only thing you can hear is your name from his mouth. You are spell bound under his magic that sweeps you off the ground.

                   This is what I learnt from all the romantic novels, movies. Things that happen to you when you meet "The One", for the first time. Did I spend my whole life looking for these signs? God no! I met Vinod exactly an year back on this day and none of this happened to me.

All that I felt on that day was - Comfort. I was in absolute ease with myself in his presence. May be I(my heart) already knew. Yeah being filmy again. All the questions I had, just ran out of the back door of my mind. It was as if we knew each other( well again, not from past lifes, like they say in the books/ movies :-p). Its just a feeling of familiarity.
                                   
                                     I never believed in that Love just happens in an instance. It grows on you. I am sure you would not have started loving your own sibling on day one. I remember hating my siblings till I was...ummm,  well old enough to get out of college. I wanted to be the only one to my parents. I hated sharing everything with them. I wanted the entire world I knew just to myself. I still don't understand when I started liking them and caring for them. I still don't know if I do it cause of the same genes in our blood or cause of having lived together for many years. Actually we started caring for each other only when we started living away from home, from each other.

                                                                                         Coming to romantic love that happens between opposite sex, especially in arranged marriages - I think people try to adjust, compromise, sacrifice to stay together, not out of love but cause of the promises made. Be it to each other, to the family, to the society. As if it is a bond never to be broken, if broken they are shunned by everyone around them. Few eventually give up trying to keep the promises and few succumb. To talk about love marriages - they are no different from arranged marriages. The story just begins a bit early, that is the only difference.

I am neither a modern nor a traditional woman.  At times I am so dumb that I cry while watching a romantic movie and at times I am as adamant that I can drive people around me crazy, that they start to hate me( not for a long time though ;-) ). Amidst my wavering personalities,  I do stand firmly on few  - "Sacrifice" should never be the pretext to love. Respect is an important aspect of a healthy relation and Comfort is the most important factor. And the rest will flow...in time, with time.

It's Valentines Week and Love is everywhere. Looking back this time last year, I attended one of my colleague kids birthday party. I went alone to that event and for the first time I did not wanted to be a bachelor anymore and I too wanted to go with someone. And since then I have never been alone and thanks to Vinod for that, for coming into my life.

Falling In Love

I don't know why I thought I would never fall in love. I don't know why I thought love cannot happen in case of arranged marriages. Because am contradicting myself. Am falling in love. With a stranger I met exactly 10 days back. A stranger with whom I would be sharing the rest of my life. Magic does happen when you let it happen to you. I thought I could not respect this person, could not love him passionately enough. But every time I talk to him I feel small. Small in terms of age. I am growing younger with each talk. I feel like a child. Protected. Adored. I never knew I would like the idea of someone owning me. 

On one side I hate myself for being this girl who is all  fluttery about love, marriage blah blah. On one side I like the silly me. For once I would like to let my hairs down and enjoy being stupid, gooey. I hope to have my feet firm on the ground so that I don't fall flat on my face. Even if I fall I know there is someone to catch me ;-)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
=================
a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
=================
a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
===============

a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

Love

As we have been hearing to this long since any typical indian movies have started
- "Love happens to every individual at some stage or the other in thier lives".
But does it happen once? No one knows where it starts - with your teacher, with your
classmate, collegemate,or a neighbourhood girl. Is it called love?


The feeling that lacks a solid definition!!!I see many of my friends flirting around
with girls in the name of "Love". The word "Love" had become a cliche which has
lost its own meaning.We have advanced ourselves so much in this modern age that we
have forgotten the essence of relationships. There's much more to being someone's
boyfriend than just gifting them red roses and expensive cards from Archies.



What about gifting the object of our affection our time, our company, our support,
our friendship? What about setting priorities in our lives and focussing on
each with sincerity? What about trying to be self-sufficient emotionally before letting
ourselves loose?

What about giving ourselves, and others, time and space to shape relationships? What
about working towards meaningful and lasting friendships? What about honouring our
commitments? What about transefering our emotions towards building lifelong bonds
rather than wasting them on seasonal relationships?

We have but one life and its true that we must experience everything. But those which
make us stronger and humane. True love happens once in a lifetime. And we should not
be so featherbrained that when it comes we aren't able to receive it with open arms.