My Marriage Myths( Post-Marriage Checklist)

Well. Almost 2 months into my marriage and I needed a reality check. Check what my assumptions about marriage were and what they are now. Why I am doing this? Cause questions like "How is marriage life?" really worries me. I felt like I was asked to answer a question that is out of syllabus. As if I was supposed to worry about marriage life and treat it as a concern.


1. You - One thing I learnt the hard way is to never lose your individuality. Nobody is worth sacrificing yourself. This was one place where my fictional world could not influence me. All those romantic novels or movies that I read/ saw too taught me that at the end, only if you could be happy, you can make others happy. You CANNOT make someone else happy by sacrificing your own happiness or your own self. If you are in a relationship where your partner cannot see your happiness as his/ hers then you sure are in an abusive relationship. If someone wants you to be sad, suffering and depending on them and calls its love, its time you call it quits. It is indeed very difficult to find a person who can accept you as is, but if someone can be with you in spite of all  your idiosyncrasies then you better change for good for this soul which is hard to find.

So. Marriage is not something where one person controls and the other obeys. Many ask me who listens to whom and I have seen people asking these questions to other married couples. Practically, I don't think anybody can control anyone. Marriage works on compromises. But not so many compromises that you forget who you are/ what you are in the first place.

2.Routines - Well,  I do not know who said routine is boring. But the comfort of doing the known is so relaxing. And every person builds their routines. Even the most spontaneous person should have some routine that s/he basks in. Few call these habits. Few call these addictions. I am not talking about addictions like smoking/ drinking which ARE bad whether or not you are married. Marriage does affect these. No matter how much you want to continue them.  And I guess most of the people get disappointed by marriage in this case. This is where they say I am losing freedom after marriage and that life has changed so drastically after marriage. May be that's an exaggeration, but I totally get them :-). These habits, routines, have been the Nirvana so far :-P and now suddenly it has to drop off. You might feel that you are losing control on your life. Especially for control freaks like me! ( which I have become in the last few years)

My routines - Walks. Movies. Books. TV Series. Working Out. Thankfully I can still enjoy most of these. Except for reading books. The more time we spend apart the more I can continue with this routine of mine. Which is sad. But I am happy that something or someone can fill in one of these routines. No regrets there. But may be if I start losing all of these, then I might feel the same too. Panic.

3. Friends - I hated most, no all of my friends once they got married. I am the last one to get married in my group and I really really hated them. Why? Cause they never had time for me once they got married. Somehow all that care/ attention/ interest/ curiosity about me or my life, that they had vanished once they got married. Even my closest friends. One whom I thought would not change in this aspect after marriage. But little did I know her plight.

And I really hated to listen either. I really hated when people used to talk about their marriage. As if only thing that mattered in their life's was marriage. Now I understand that they did not  ignore you, but they really had little time for themselves that they can afford spending it on YOU. And why they talk so much about marriage to you - cause you don't know anything about marriage and most of the times when people talk, all they need is an ear, not judgments, not opinions and not advises.

I jump into misunderstandings so soon. I must be a selfish person at times to have thought these people do not care about me anymore. And am really thankful to all my friends who in spite of demanding life's that they already had, could check on me once in a while.

4. Work/ Career -Hmm. I really get edgy when this topic comes to me. Does marriage affect this? Especially in case of women? Can you have exactly equal priority for your family and work? I don't think so. Why do women actually work? For financial independence? For time pass? For supporting their families? If they are well of, India based then do these women really care about their jobs? On a different note, can a guy like a women for just being the best house-wife? Best daughter-in-law. Best mother? Does he really care for what she can be or what she is? Does he think that she can have her life too? I don't think men have that big a heart. Do they? I cannot understand if it is men or these women who choose these life's. Life of a house wife. I do not know whom to be blamed. Or may be I really do not understand what it is to be a house wife in spite of knowing how tough a job it is. I personally think everyone should have a life. That defines them individually, not as someone's something or not as part of something. Stand alone. On their own.

5. Bloating  - I hate fat people. I actually had to research if saying this publicly is allowed. There are many others who already have ranted on this. I think these people are just lazy, irresponsible and have least sense of self-respect. They abuse their bodies. It is a misconception that you get fat if you are happy and lose weight if you are sad. In my case I eat a lot when am under stress, depressed. And this is true even scientifically. Anyways, I don't think marriage will make you fat. No matter how many eat-outs you have. You can still stay slim and fit. This was my biggest worry. Phew! Guess I will win all those challenges who said I will bloat after marriage.

 Whoa! I think am doing good considering all these major worries(myths) of mine. Now the only question is will this last for 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades or for a lifetime( considering I live more than 2 decades he hee :-P) ?

What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!

Marriage? Men? Culture?

I fail to understand! Is it only in India or is it only with men or is it really the case with marriage. I was in a meeting today among all men and in a discussion they concluded that "I don't care!", now that am getting married. How can I not care about my job? Does marriage really take away rest of your life? If so, then why should it be only with women why not men? What makes them think that only they can get married and still get on with rest of their life, like job, friends, fun, parties and etc?! Why can't women do the same? I wonder if this is how marriage is perceived across the world or it is just these stereotyped Indian men who think so or who want the women to be so.

How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream.  I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of  has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.

How I can love someone without losing My Self?

Pelli Pustakam

For The One In My Life

Been happy, been sad and boy have I grown
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again


You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around


Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes

I Don't Know

Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.

It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants! 

May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life.  Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.

Roller Coaster Ride

I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.

Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.

Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!

Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!

Falling In Love

I don't know why I thought I would never fall in love. I don't know why I thought love cannot happen in case of arranged marriages. Because am contradicting myself. Am falling in love. With a stranger I met exactly 10 days back. A stranger with whom I would be sharing the rest of my life. Magic does happen when you let it happen to you. I thought I could not respect this person, could not love him passionately enough. But every time I talk to him I feel small. Small in terms of age. I am growing younger with each talk. I feel like a child. Protected. Adored. I never knew I would like the idea of someone owning me. 

On one side I hate myself for being this girl who is all  fluttery about love, marriage blah blah. On one side I like the silly me. For once I would like to let my hairs down and enjoy being stupid, gooey. I hope to have my feet firm on the ground so that I don't fall flat on my face. Even if I fall I know there is someone to catch me ;-)

Out of Denial

I am a slow reactor. It takes time for me to realize. Recently I had my mid-year discussion and my manager gave me my rating :-(. I realized it only after 4-5 hrs that my rating is given to me. So many other things. Why is it that I just fail to register. I bought a flat, in the location( HSR Layout) I want, this swept off my bank balance, yet I forget at times that I have my own roof. 

And well I finally said yes to marriage. Not sure what was going on in my mind that made me said yes. May be investing in a house brought the courage in me that I can take risks in life. Or may be I started believing in the brighter side of life and accepted the life is a chance and its worth risking in-spite of all the hurdles one faces. Guess am out of denial mode.

Yeah am a bride now :-). All am excited about is the new sarees, jewellery and dressing up! Apart from that I don't think I understand that I am getting married in few months! I am not curious, anxious or anything. God save him ;-). Have not shared this anyone except with my manager. Why I told him? He is the one who approves my leave is the only reason would be a lie. But felt good after letting this out. But I don't want to tell everyone get worried either with all their suggestions, predictions, advises etc.

I really need my close friends Shanti or Bindu to make this easy for me. I am suddenly missing many of my friends Arpan, Shalini, Sirisha. I am missing my MOM the most. Wish she would come back soon.

Dharmecha, Arthecha, Kamecha, Mokshecha Aham Evam Naati Charami

I have been intrigued by Marriage Rituals, meaning of these rituals, their significance and rationale behind all of these. I have not attended many marriages, even if I did, we were so caught up in catching up with the bunch of friends, family and relatives.So here goes my attempt to understand a marriage ceremony. I gathered all this from the internet.

Not many of us understand these rituals, mantras that bride/ groom are asked to recite. I wonder if atleast the Pandit who performs the ceremony understand them. Hindu marriages are performed in Sankrit language. So what does a Hindu marriage mean? And what we should look for in it, and how we should apply it to our lives. What's really involved, why do we go through all that ceremony, and what is the meaning of saying that we don't have the concept of divorce in Hindu marriage and why is it so?

Concept of Marriage - In the Hindu culture tells you how to translate this experience of unity in diversity. The Oneness.

Who is the bridegroom – The father of the bride worships the feet of the bridegroom in the marriage saying:

     Namostu anantaya sahasramurtaye Sahasrapadakshi shira uru bahave sahasranamne purushaya shashvate sahasrakoti yuga dharine namah

[ ( I bow down to him ) ( one who has no ending ) ( One who has a thousand forms ) (having a thousand heads ) ( one who has got a thousand rays coming from him ( sheer ) ( he is existing forever ) (for thousands of crores of eras, he has been there ) ]

The bridegroom is none other than MahaVishnu, physically present as an individual here, I am washing his feet. Sahasra murtaye, the one who has a thousand forms. In Sanskrit, the word thousand is used in a different sense than we normally understand . The three zeros are the three illusions of our wakefulness, of our dreaming and sleeping state. The reality, the one is you; you are experiencing all these three states. One thousand is meant to represent infinity of experiences in these three states of our being. So you see, you are not seeing the bridegroom as an individual. You are considereing him as a manifestation of Maha Vishnu directly. And it is to him the Kanya, the bride is being offered. 

Who is the Bride? 

The wealth of the lord, Maha Laksmi, aishvarya. All the wealth in the world, all the enjoyment, all the riches, all the experiences, they are the Maha Laksmi.

Kanyam kanaka sampannam sakala abharanih yutam.

This bride is offered as the wealth of the world unto thee, unto the God who owns this wealth.

Process of Marriage

1. NANDI - getting started

2. NISCHITARTHA - confirming the alliance

3. ANKURARPANA - creation of the alliance by lighting the yagna fire

4. LAJA HOMA - yagna

5. SNATHAKAM - graduation ceremony

6. UPANAYANAM - thread marriage

7. KASI YATHRA - the indecisive journey of the groom to kasi for the sanyasa and bringing him back to the house by the parents of the bride for the marriage.

8. KANYA DANAM - offering of the daughter for the marriage.

9. PANI GRAHANAM, SAPTHA PADHI, MANGALASUTHRA DHARANA, OR VEEKSHANAM - the seeing of each other, touching of each other, and walking together, and tying the knot of the marriage.

10. TALAMBRALU - aimed at the bringing the bride and the groom nearer in psychological and mental paths.

11. ARUNDHATHI DARSHANAM – The significance is to remind the pair about their cosmic responsibilities they have to perform in the coming walk of life.

12. GRIHAPRAVESAM - taking the bride to the in-laws house

13. APPAGINTHALU - handing over the daughter to the groom

14. DHRUVA DARSHANA

15. SOBHANAMU - nuptials

16. GARBHADANAM - the act of creation of the foetus.

Muhurtam

The actual muhurtam, when the two get married, is when they put their hands on each others' heads, it's called sumuhurta. You have a betel leaf, some jaggery, and some seeds, and that is kept on the heads of the bride and bridegroom mutually. he real meaning of the guru and sishya relationship is that like a transmitter and receiver. When I'm talking and you're listening, I'm the guru and you are the chela or sishya. But when you're talking and I'm listening, you're the transmitter and I'm the receiver; so you're the guru and I'm the sishya. You learn to see the oneness of yourself with the other. 

Upanayana means taking you near God. nayana means taking, upa means near. You're being taken near the Goddess, the mother Gayatri, by the thread ceremony. The thread ceremony entitles you to recite Gayatri Mantra. Gayatri is a Shakti who is ruling the whole world. She is the creatrix, she is the sustainer, she is also the destroyer. She combines all these powers into her. And if you get the right to recite the Gayatri, you become a Shakti upasaka, then you go through the transition called upanayana. The dynamic nature you have to understand, and implement, and expose yourself to in your life. 

Saptapadi : Marriage is based on friendship. To establish this relationship more completely, the Vedic mantras that are used in the marriage have what is called saptapadi, the seven steps that you walk together around the fire.

Few lines from this saptapadi are:

     Sakha saptipadi bhava - be my friend who walks these seven steps together.

    Sakhyam te gameyam - may I aspire to your friendship.

    Sakhyam temayoshah; sakhyam me ma yoshtyas – your friends are mine, my friends are yours

The seven steps that you go around the fire are supposed to be the seven chakras in your body, if you are aware of the psychic chakras, they are supposed to be seven centers where you're connected to the cosmos. By keeping your awareness in these centers you're able to connect to he cosmos. Those who are practicing yoga become the cosmos. Marriage is considered as yoga. Yoga is a part of samyoga, where two are merging together in total love, and then they practice yoga. The bride and groom take seven steps symbolizing a vow for each step towards one another.

1. Together we will share the responsibilities of home and children

2. Together we will develop mental, physical and spiritual strength

3. Together we will prosper and share our worldly goods

4. Together we will fill over hearts with great joy, peace and happiness

5. Together we will raise strong and virtuous children

6. Together we will remain faithful, lifelong partners.

7. Together we will cherish each other and our families in sorrow and happiness.

Purpose of the marriage? 

      Dharma praja sampatti artham striyam udvahe. 

The spark of life was given to us by our parents. And we have to repay that debt. And how do repay that debt? By procreation. By creating another spark of life, we repay that debt to our parents. And that reason is one of the prime reasons for marriage. So if you want to have children, you must beget them through a married partner. That is the dictum. Now we got what are called four purushartas, which are called dharma, artha, kama, moksha. In every samkalpa we say "Dharma, artha,, kama, moksha, cathur vidha phala purusharta siddharthyam. I want to do my duty, I want to earn money, I want to fulfill my desires, and I want to be liberated. These are the four basic desires that everyone has. So dharma is defined as giving the spark of life which have received from your father and mother, and pass on that life to a new life. So you have the bounden duty to continue this spark of life unbroken. And let the life evolve into higher an higher forms. So your defined purpose is to generate children and that is one of the prime reasons for marriage.

Does He Deserve?

She has never seen her father trying to be obliged and never wanted to see that. Since her childhood she has seen her father as a person with great commitment, loyalty, sincerity and honesty. Cause of his honesty he earned good number of enemies at work place. But none of them could flinch him from doin what he wanted to do or what he is supposed to do. For her, her father is a hero. She used to fill "your favorite hero:" with "My father" in the autographs books.

Cause he is the only man she has seen in real life who struggled since his childhood to be in a position which he had never dreamt of. Who is so determined about what he wants. Who is as strong as he could be and who is as soft as he could be. She always has high reagards for her father and wanted everyone to regard him the same way. In the same way she wanted her father to be proud of her. The only next man she would see in her life would be her better-half her husband. But she was not aware that her father has to be so obliged in order to find that man in her life.

She couldn't see her father who lived as a king, who's respected, who's esteemed being so submissive. Its time for her father to search for a man and to get her married to the right man. Being a typical South Indian family person he has to be so down-to-earth when dealing with supposed to be her daughter's could-be would-be's family. Inspite of many changes over the generations nothing has changed when it comes to the matter of south indian families. No matter what he is, when it comes to being a father of a daughter he is already labelled as a looser. He has to loose his duaghter, his pride, his ego.
For all the affection, protection that he gives what is that he gets in return? Just more demands, more obligations, more stingers. Does he deserve all these?






Indian marriages are the best!
But all the fun is only in/after the marriage. But all the drama before the marriage is a big fool's game where always the looser is the father of a duaghter. Would she allow this to continue? Would she allow this to happen to her or her father? Is there a way for her to put all this to an end?

Whose mistake is it???

Jyothi is one of my close friends. She is a woman with strong thoughts but
most of the times fate doesn’t help her in achieving/ doing whatever she wants. But she has been a successful woman in whatever fate chooses for her, cause of her hard work or sincerity or as her criticizers say ‘mere luck’.

She loves to be independent and the best. That is one of the reasons why she is still alone in her life though she has a very good family and lotz of friends around her. It was not recently that she realized that she needs a company in her life, someone who is for her and only hers. Finally she decided to get married.

Her father brought a proposal for her. They were asked to exchange their photos. His name is Surya. He too was a successful guy from the IIT’s and who was placed in one of the top companies. Moreover he was also working in the same city. His family background also being good everything seemed fine for her parents and they thought they have found the right match for their daughter.

Few days after they had exchanged their photos there were mails and phone calls between Jyothi and Surya. Jyothi was also impressed by the guy. She was for the first time experiencing those caressing and loving words. She too thought that the day has come where her thoughts should be filled with “We” rather than “I”. As any gal would dream she dreamt of her marriage and married life. It wasn’t so long that she was taken aback by a truth about Surya.

As usual she wanted to start that week with lotz of hopes. But that Monday she received a mail from Surya which was supposed to change her fate. She thought that would be one of those flattering or admiring mails that he used to send her. But this wasn’t a usual mail. Surya was a diabetic patient. He had to write that “before we go any further you need to know the fact that am a diabetic patient”. But he was ready for a negative response from Jyothi's side.

That day night when she got call from her parents she informed about this and they immediately have to drop the idea. Jyothi was left in confusion. She was not given time to think about the feeling that she has for the guy –“ pity or concern or anything more than that”. At last the marriage proposal was cancelled. The following day she got the last mail from Surya but she didn’t reply to that. Now Surya is gone forever from her life. As per her parents think it was a bad dream we ought to forget it. Sure she can forget that but can Surya do the same? Can he forget that he is a diabetic patient? What if he comes across the same again?

Is this a marriage called? Or a barter system? She was so confused whether to accept him for his honesty or to go by her parents decision. What if she came to know about that after marriage? Whose mistake is it???

Jyothi’s – for not being able to take her own decision?
Surya’s – the only sin he did is to suffer from diabetics and being honest to tell the truth?

Surya’s Parents – for not revealing the truth and for wishing to see their poor son married like any other would?

Jyothi’s Parens – for rejecting the proposal and for only reason to reject was to see their daughter happy with a best person beside her?

Marriage system’s - which only cares for credentials but not the feelings?

Or Fate’s – this time the victim being Surya????