Feeling Blue

I have been postponing penning this down since past few months, thinking that its just a passing cloud and I would feel better. Well, here I am - exhausted, helpless, lonely, sad and what not! This all might be the drugs flooding my blood talking! Who knows!

I am a person who believes in prevention is better than cure, but somehow I just could not stop myself from falling ill. I know what makes me sick, I pretty clearly know when am going to fall ill, yet, I push myself with stupid positivity which helps none and get myself into this deep gloomy state where I feel so worthless, powerless.

I remember making a resolution to have my health as top priority and I remember succeeding in that. But what happened to me now? Back to where I was before I took this resolution. Why? Cause I get carried away! I think, Oh! all is so rosy and sunny and so is my health. I just cannot take this one thing for granted. And I hate to be on check all the time. Why cant I just be like any other normal person and stop being a patient?

I have been sick before, and this year I was ill for 3 months at a stretch. Yet right now, I feel so tired of being ill. I want to give up on all the medicines, treatments and stop fighting my illness. I know I should not let my physical condition affect me emotionally or mentally. But its happening. Where did my boldness go? Where did my fighting spirit go?

Right now I cannot even yell. Only connection I have with my husband is through phone and with my voice that is interred by a swollen throat I cannot even communicate with any living being on earth( including my pet Leo). I always think I am so independent and I can survive alone, but if my MOM wasn't here last few days I have no idea what would have happened to me. How much our lives are dependent on others! Now I understand why people get married, why one cannot live alone and why everyone needs someone. And dependency makes us weak, and well, so does a bad health like mine.

What the hell! All I should think of now is ice creams, sizzle dazzle brownies, lots of tasty yummy sweets...when will I get better?

The Lords

I am not sure if it is in India or everywhere around the world, but why do people who own even a inch of land behave like Lords? Since my childhood I lived in both own and rented houses but I see this behavior more in Bangalore and especially in HSR Layout where every other person is a filthy rich real estate guy owning huge bunglows and probably many other plots/ houses which of course are his property by dadagiri or by cheating.

As landlords my parents were very considerate and accommodating to tenants. They never did show any pride. Lived in Jubilee Hills in Hyderabad( which compared to HSR Layout is far better a place), but people were hardly seen, except for the dog in the house or the watchman. And if you are lucky, you see someone, a celebrity. And they do not mind to say a hi or throw a smile at you. But in HSR Layout, you own 1 sq.ft of land and they behave like they own the entire Layout if not the state Karnataka.

The way they treat tenants is as if we are living on their mercy and we have no place to go on this earth. Heloo..we ARE the ones who are paying thousands of rupees as rent which is not any less than the monthly EMIs if one bought a house. They ask 11 months advance and one can only imagine the drama they do to return it back, probably they might be crying over a pillow. And there are no rules on increasing the rents every year. But freedom of living peacefully - none. Use less water that is take bath once in a month and do not wash your clothes ever; avoid relatives - I agree with them on this :D; scared of your dog - you should be, unlike me he can bite you when he gets angry; you are wearing mini-skirts - oh is there a dress code for tenants; your cooker makes noise - yours doesn't, which company cooker is it?; you are having fun - not at your cost definitely; I don't like your maid - my maid doesn't like you either, for your information your own maid doesn't like you either, I heard her bitching to mine; let's bitch about our mom-in-laws - no thank you, I would rather prefer bitching about you to my MIL; and the list goes on....


And all the landlords gang up, and they choose a leader for them - the one with the biggest house or the one with the oldest house. And the story gets funnier when a landlord A does not like landlord B's tenant.

 I am pretty sure this is not how RICH people behave. What is it that these landlords take pride in? Or make them treat tenants as ants? I guess they simply are intimidated by tenants. I see no other reason for them to be unreasonable. I think the richest may not show this behavior but the in-betweeners, who suddenly became rich, without any hard work, behave like nobody turned to Lords overnight. Most of the cases its their father-in-laws who gave them that piece of land for marrying their daughter or it is got by cheating, or by any illegal means.

Oh yes, you guys - the landlords SHOULD be intimidated, feel insecure about us. You know why, its our hard-earned money that is buying us a roof on our heads. Not our ancestral property or the dowry or  cheating.

In 5 days I am going to own a property officially on my name. And how much I want to say the F word and flip my finger to these a*****s.  My own landlords behavior towards us changed lately when they got to know that am going to own a house. Now they treat us as one among them. We sure would never want to be one among them. Buying a flat is not a dream or a plan that worked out well. I did it by the spur of moment. Moment when I got so pissed off with these landlords. And today, am glad that I took the decision. Freedom is the most important thing for a peaceful life and this is one bigger step towards it[ no I don't want to talk about financial freedom from EMIs ;-( ].

Margin Call - Movie Review

As always I don't remember how I ended up watching this movie. Vaguely I remember IMDB recommending this movie for me. I got so bored even with movies that I started watching all thrillers, suspense, mystery or action filled movies which would keep my interest till the end. But this movie falls under none of these categories yet it keeps your interest till the end.

And the whole credit goes to amazing performances by each of the actors. Each one of them. Kevin Spacey, Demi Moore, Jeremy Irons and I have to list each actors names if I go. Movie is about how the financial downfall started and what happened to the market during the economy dips. And whom to be blamed for all of this. 2 hours of just the dialogs, and entire movie happens over a night. Starting from the evening of a friday to the morning of next day. Initially most of it is gibberish unless you understand the finance terms and jargons. But half way through it you get a perfect picture and by then I promise you are way too into the movie that its better than any thriller.

Movie starts with layoffs, where HR is calling each of those candidates and explaining the severance package. One among the people getting fired is the head of Risk management who worked for the same company for more than 15 years. His phone and email are cut off immediately and he feels cheated. Irony is that till the end of the movie the company keeps chasing this guy as they need him. For what? Have to watch the movie to understand how the finance big heads think and operate to minimize whatsoever the impact is. Amazing.

When you are good at your job and if how good you are at your job is based on how cheap your ethics are, and what an individual goes through for being a cheat a fraud and being the reason for the entire rippling effect of the downfall how does one live? They sure do survive. But are they living? This is beautifully depicted by Kevin Spacey's role. He cries over illness of his dog and the next minute he is asked to give a pep talk after firing 90% of the staff on his floor. May be the only way for him to be in touch with life and humanity is his dog.

And there is this fresh grad who is half the time worried about everyone else's salary and wondering what they might be doing with so much money. Not until one of his boss explains him that no money is big money after taxes and responsibilities taken care of.

At the end of it they show that everyone works for surviving, not living. By the end of the movie you blame no one but pity all of them.

Great job by the director, script writer, screenplay and actors.

Being Yourself

After so many days, may be after months I enjoyed the day thoroughly being myself. Just myself. I totally forgot about poor Leo and his illness, or that I am married. Few men might have found my behavior weird or I don't know ( as per their conformance of what a married woman should be :-P). But I did not notice any such thing, may be its just me being over conscious about being married.

It was a fun day at work. Bowling, Archery and a good meal with team. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing - screaming, cheering, whining, and most importantly *winning*. Even if I had not won I would still have enjoyed the game. I forget myself when I get involved in such things. I behave like a child. And I don't care. I seriously admire the guy who said there is no fun in being old if you dont know how to be a child. Is it the sport, or the people? I like playing, but did not long to be part of any games/ sports. Did not even try. If I did, it was cause someone forced me into it. May be cause I did NOT take sports seriously I enjoy them :-). People - May be. I like crowds. I like being among hundreds of people. Not just being, but involved in some activity. I hate to admit it. But there it is. Sitting at home all these days might have made the BIG difference. For a tiny tiny moment I missed my bachelor days.

Thinking of fun, there are many forms to it. I almost decided being happy is more than enough. But I guess there should be different dimensions to everything.  Say, you might be happy in your personal life but that should not be the only life. One should have a profession, a hobby, an interest, something that keeps them from getting bored in life. Any fun or joy that you get from these is an added bonus. Its a different kind. Whatever happens in personal life is mostly by chance than choice. And rest is your choice.

Having fun in what you have chosen is more fun than fun in what has been chosen for you. Wow, so many fun words in a single sentence. Sure I am high!

Speculation

speculation |ˌspekyəˈlāSHən|
noun
1 the forming of a theory or conjecture without firm evidence: there has been widespread speculation that he plans to quit | this is pure speculation on my part | these are only speculations.
2 investment in stocks, property, or other ventures in the hope of gain but with the risk of loss: the company's move into property speculation. he was a millionaire from speculations on the stock market.

I think most of a human being's time in a day goes in this - speculating. And it really cracks me up knowing how these minds work. And interesting thing is to know that most of the time is spent on speculating or guessing about others than themselves. Everything has to fall under a pattern, a routine or a known territory. If not they get curious, speculative, and each one declares themselves to be a detective working on a national threat. And it does not give them a goodnight's sleep unless they reason it out and solve the case.

Reasoning. This is another interesting aspect of individuals.

There are people who assume what is convenient to them even if it is practically not true. These are the ones who live in denial. They are the ones who invite the trouble. And to get over from one trouble they create another trouble and the chain goes on.

There are people who assume the worst. Absolute pessimists. They just worry too much and these people create problems for themselves too - by overreacting or reacting for nothing.

Well in either ways trouble/ problems are for sure. No one knows when the tide is coming. When the time runs out. When the game is over. But lets have fun meanwhile - speculating :-).

I'm loving it!

Project "Home"

In 3 months from now, I will have my own house, well a HOME. And I cannot believe it for some reason. I still don't feel connected with the house that is being constructed now. I have been looking at it as yet another investment. I had almost forgotten this house of mine, oh well, only time I remember is on EMI day :D. And there are days when I repent on this decision of huge investment. But right now, as of today, I am working full time - in building this home. 24 hrs in a day seem not to be enough for this. I just want to disappear for these 3 months to come back to a house which is all set up and ready to move in.

I have this anxiety that settling down in this house, would mean settling down in life. A loving husband, loveable pet, a job, a home and that is it? Satisfaction is a real killer. I do not want this home/ house to conclude and define me. Am sure to many this is what LIFE means. Get a job, get a life partner, get a house, and then you are all set for the rest of your life. There ends all the interest in LIFE. What follows next are all natural events. Kids, more responsibilities etc.

I know this female from my first job. She was 5 years into industry when I was a fresher. Now she became an Entrepreneur. Wow this word sounds so good to me. That is what I want to be someday. It does not matter what venture I get into, but I want this title more than a diamond necklace or a huge mansion. There is one more title, "Author" which seems to be moving far and far away day by day. The day I have these titles that is when I would say am Home.

Sagittarians are real dreamers. I have never been the best of a sagittarian till today :-P. I better get real, and stop just dreaming and do something about my thoughts. Real world...here I come. Back to reality!

A Woman's Best Friend

Definitely not Diamonds.

Disclaimer: This post should be tagged with "Sappy", "Girly", "Senti"

I am a person who trusts no one. I always am cautious, cagey. Why? May be bitter experiences I guess. Said that,  I have never really opened up to anyone so much since...couple of years. All I have been doing is listening to people. Some of their problems were my problems too, but I never shared them. I only silently solaced in the joy that I am not alone. But the power of not sharing your other side gives you so much strength, and I wonder how. May be sharing with others, especially sharing your problems or worries, makes you weak. Weak, when you are openly admitting out loud to someone. And there creating a dependency on this person to share. Whether or not they solve your problems you still want to share even the silliest worry that is eating you up.

But on the contrary, not sharing and trying to deal with it just in your mind, somehow, I don't know[ may be have to read some psychology books :-P], makes you stronger. In a way it makes you live in denial that those problems don't exists in the first place. And every problem when given time, resolves on its own. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that TIME cannot solve. Sleeping over issues has really made a big difference in my life.

All said and done, I really miss MOM. I am talking so much to my MOM these days, and I know that she was always there, and is there. But only now I realize that she is my Best Friend. I have discussed everything with her. From my job to broken nails. And it really never mattered if she understood the subject that am talking about. Probably only person whom you can completely trust with. Only person who can never think of harming you or mistreating you or misusing your secrets. And most importantly who never judges you. And who would patiently listen when you go on and on and on about some silly thing which probably would not matter the next day.

If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

Mom,  I am missing you badly. Your absence is really showing me the big gap in my life right now. I did acknowledge your importance many a times, but no records can match your love. 

PS: Change cause of marriage - missed both Mothers Day & Father Day this year.

Satyamev Jayate

All the TV series that I watch are taking a summer break. And Movies - waiting desperately for upcoming releases in June and July( Spiderman, Dark Knight, Brave and so on). And may be that is why I landed on this show - Satyamev Jayate. I always loved controversies, debates, arguments, discussions. And watching them without you having to get into trouble of making a comment? A delicious piece of cake.

I initially thought it is going to be another money making sentimental emotional fools show. First episode on female foeticide did not impress me much. But the next two on "Child Sex Abuse" and "Big Fat Indian  Wedding" were just amazing. Watched 4 episodes till now and am already addicted to this. 

Surprising to know that there is no law that can punish Child Sex Abuse till date in India. I do not know if I should be proud that our country did not face these cases till lately or that it assumed that there would never be such a situation. Guess this is how parents think. That all those horrible things happen to someone else. Even when they hear of such cases they always assume that the victim will be someone else. That is a parents heart, which cannot even bear to think of such atrocities happening to their kids. And that exactly must be these pedophiles strength. It was interesting to know these pedophiles psychology from Dr Mytra. And  I really liked his words, which I do want to mention here - "Respect Behavior". Respecting elders, respecting some one for their age is an old school. Respect is something that should be earned. Not ordered or demanded. So teach the kids to respect a person for their behavior and not just because they are older than you.

Indian weddings. I have posted enough on these already on this blog. And like I said in my very old post Indian wedding is nothing but a big fool's game where always the looser is the father of a daughter. And I really like the way how these things are changing with time. Late but not never. I guess these days, fathers of daughters are the proudest and happiest. Everyone these days want a daughter instead of a son. But somewhere in some corners people might still belong to a generation where females( daughters-in-law) are still treated as slaves, servants. Seriously, it is funny( am not sure if this sentence is correct! Seriously funny!). Buying a guy with dowry, like you buy stuff from a mall? Wow! Stats that were shown indicated that this is very prominent in South India and yes it is true. I know how people spend crores on marriages, crores in dowry. One thing I hate in South. There was a joke on the show. Guy from North-East was worried, that if he may not be able to watch cricket on the TV sponsored by Girl's parents, cause she might say it is mine, my Dad bought it. And there are these filthy rich people for whom dowry is a question of pride. Is that even called a marriage? Would the guy or his family have any respect if they base the marriage on dowry? I think this might be the reason for female foeticide. But the data for foeticide indicated less numbers in South India but more in North. So what could be the reason for foeticide?

My Marriage Myths( Post-Marriage Checklist)

Well. Almost 2 months into my marriage and I needed a reality check. Check what my assumptions about marriage were and what they are now. Why I am doing this? Cause questions like "How is marriage life?" really worries me. I felt like I was asked to answer a question that is out of syllabus. As if I was supposed to worry about marriage life and treat it as a concern.


1. You - One thing I learnt the hard way is to never lose your individuality. Nobody is worth sacrificing yourself. This was one place where my fictional world could not influence me. All those romantic novels or movies that I read/ saw too taught me that at the end, only if you could be happy, you can make others happy. You CANNOT make someone else happy by sacrificing your own happiness or your own self. If you are in a relationship where your partner cannot see your happiness as his/ hers then you sure are in an abusive relationship. If someone wants you to be sad, suffering and depending on them and calls its love, its time you call it quits. It is indeed very difficult to find a person who can accept you as is, but if someone can be with you in spite of all  your idiosyncrasies then you better change for good for this soul which is hard to find.

So. Marriage is not something where one person controls and the other obeys. Many ask me who listens to whom and I have seen people asking these questions to other married couples. Practically, I don't think anybody can control anyone. Marriage works on compromises. But not so many compromises that you forget who you are/ what you are in the first place.

2.Routines - Well,  I do not know who said routine is boring. But the comfort of doing the known is so relaxing. And every person builds their routines. Even the most spontaneous person should have some routine that s/he basks in. Few call these habits. Few call these addictions. I am not talking about addictions like smoking/ drinking which ARE bad whether or not you are married. Marriage does affect these. No matter how much you want to continue them.  And I guess most of the people get disappointed by marriage in this case. This is where they say I am losing freedom after marriage and that life has changed so drastically after marriage. May be that's an exaggeration, but I totally get them :-). These habits, routines, have been the Nirvana so far :-P and now suddenly it has to drop off. You might feel that you are losing control on your life. Especially for control freaks like me! ( which I have become in the last few years)

My routines - Walks. Movies. Books. TV Series. Working Out. Thankfully I can still enjoy most of these. Except for reading books. The more time we spend apart the more I can continue with this routine of mine. Which is sad. But I am happy that something or someone can fill in one of these routines. No regrets there. But may be if I start losing all of these, then I might feel the same too. Panic.

3. Friends - I hated most, no all of my friends once they got married. I am the last one to get married in my group and I really really hated them. Why? Cause they never had time for me once they got married. Somehow all that care/ attention/ interest/ curiosity about me or my life, that they had vanished once they got married. Even my closest friends. One whom I thought would not change in this aspect after marriage. But little did I know her plight.

And I really hated to listen either. I really hated when people used to talk about their marriage. As if only thing that mattered in their life's was marriage. Now I understand that they did not  ignore you, but they really had little time for themselves that they can afford spending it on YOU. And why they talk so much about marriage to you - cause you don't know anything about marriage and most of the times when people talk, all they need is an ear, not judgments, not opinions and not advises.

I jump into misunderstandings so soon. I must be a selfish person at times to have thought these people do not care about me anymore. And am really thankful to all my friends who in spite of demanding life's that they already had, could check on me once in a while.

4. Work/ Career -Hmm. I really get edgy when this topic comes to me. Does marriage affect this? Especially in case of women? Can you have exactly equal priority for your family and work? I don't think so. Why do women actually work? For financial independence? For time pass? For supporting their families? If they are well of, India based then do these women really care about their jobs? On a different note, can a guy like a women for just being the best house-wife? Best daughter-in-law. Best mother? Does he really care for what she can be or what she is? Does he think that she can have her life too? I don't think men have that big a heart. Do they? I cannot understand if it is men or these women who choose these life's. Life of a house wife. I do not know whom to be blamed. Or may be I really do not understand what it is to be a house wife in spite of knowing how tough a job it is. I personally think everyone should have a life. That defines them individually, not as someone's something or not as part of something. Stand alone. On their own.

5. Bloating  - I hate fat people. I actually had to research if saying this publicly is allowed. There are many others who already have ranted on this. I think these people are just lazy, irresponsible and have least sense of self-respect. They abuse their bodies. It is a misconception that you get fat if you are happy and lose weight if you are sad. In my case I eat a lot when am under stress, depressed. And this is true even scientifically. Anyways, I don't think marriage will make you fat. No matter how many eat-outs you have. You can still stay slim and fit. This was my biggest worry. Phew! Guess I will win all those challenges who said I will bloat after marriage.

 Whoa! I think am doing good considering all these major worries(myths) of mine. Now the only question is will this last for 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades or for a lifetime( considering I live more than 2 decades he hee :-P) ?

Loyalty

Every time I left a Company I felt like a cheat except once. When I left my first department in my current working organization. But do companies/ organizations really care about you? Are you really valued? Or do they really feel your loss - a big NO. Then why did I feel that I had let down someone?

There are people who recognize you for what you have done and reward you. There are people who do not notice you. In the later case you have nothing to think about than own self. In the former case they did it cause you performed. But what do you if someone has bet on you blindly? If someone did more than just recognize your work? Someone who really knows the weaker aspect of human beings and hit it - yes the personal touch, connecting, bonding blah blah :-P. Am not sure if one has God Fathers in their careers. Do they? Have not come across or heard of any such stories. If they did, would not their so called God Father be happy about a decision that is good for you?

Loyalty seems like a  such a big limitation in human life's especially when it comes to careers. Not leaving for better opportunities is a sign of loyalty or a career suicide? This is when I think I should work for my own organization and not for someone else where in you have all these question marks. And when will that happen? In dreams I suppose! Then why did I wake up now? Don't know again! Need another brain storming to know why this sudden adrenaline rush.

I cannot have the cake and eat it too. Got to make some tough decisions. Like always in two minds! And all the advise that I got is to let it pass. And wait. Be patient. Sleep over it.

Really? Sleep over it? Normally when I do this the end result is I totally drop off the idea in the first place. Only sleepless nights get me somewhere :-P.  May be all I need is one tight slap!

The Secret Life Of Words - Movie Review

Another master piece of Tim Robbins after The Shawshank Redemption. But whole credit goes to Sarah Polley for her brilliant performance. Movie is set in the middle of the sea, an oil rig, which perfectly captures the mood of the film. And the background sound tracks just add to the movie experience.

Direction is so powerful that even simple narrations by the actors, simplest of the dialogs talk so loud. Mean so much than what they are actually saying. Story of two people dealing with their terrible pasts. When the movie starts we see Sarah as a loner, stiff person who is so anti-social. Who has never taken one day leave or a sick leave from work for the last 4 years. Who eats rice, chicken and apples everyday, doing the same routine everyday. Even when she is asked to take a vacation, she spends the month helping burns victim in an oil rig. That is when we meet Tim Robbins, who is heart broken for loving best friend's wife, losing both love and friendship.

We tend to sympathize with him, till we know Sarah's story. A war victim. Two most captivating and moving scenes in the movie are when Josef(Tim Robins) talks about his fear of water and the way his father threw him into the sea, and when Hanna( Sarah Polley) shares her miseries. Josef realizes that his sorrows are nothing when compared to hers. Isn't everything in life relative? We may think we are drowned with problems, worries and issues. But compared to what?

Josef: How does one live with what has happened?
         The consequences.
          How does one live with the dead?

Hanna:  l don't know. You'll have to go on, l suppose.
            Everyone keeps on living for the future, some how.
            Or not.
            There are those who don't make it through.



My best character in the movie though is Martin. He is a Oceanographer, who measures the number of waves that hit the oil rig, the strength of the sea and water temperature. Though his job is just this, he collects mussels, and is interested in sea life. He is the only positive character who adds meaning to the movie. Who says Life is worth living and worth hoping for even if you have to be a loner. And even if no one notices you. Just keep going. Just keep thinking something can be done.

Hanna: They're shutting down, anyway.
Martin: Not if l can help it.
Hanna: What will you do?
Martin: This could be used for lots of things.
            Use the drilling motors to purge the water.
             lt's possible to cleanse the water.
Hanna:  What will happen if nobody takes any notice of you?
Martin: Well, l'll keep on measuring waves.
            Collecting mussels.
            And l'll keep thinking that something can be done.
Hanna:  l envy you, Martin.
            Really, l ... l didn't know
            there were still people like you about.

Super Powers

Movies watched in less than a week – The Avengers, Hulk, The Incredible Hulk and Men In Black III. I should not have watched any of these. Cause now I want super powers. Geez :D. I want to do so many things – do an MBA, work abroad, learn few more languages, and be something, something BEEEEG. Strange that I am ambitious now, after marriage! Am more ready to take risks now! Especially after Singapore trip I have been seriously thinking that I have achieved nothing till now. First time I felt how poor and corrupted India is, and how poorer I am! I thought I am having the best life. What an illusion!

It might all seem like am running behind money, but no. I am lacking the sense of achievement. Now I don’t feel that I have done anything great at all. Except for being sincere or hardworking [ which I must say I am proud of, given how superficial people have become.  That’s a bad rating of myself by the way. It is my disappointment talking. Am not this critical in rating of myself usually. I know people who does not even have half the brains that I have]. Are achievements something defined in terms of financial status or something judged and decided by people around. Or is it something that lasts the time?

Singapore was the poorest country in 1965 when it got its independence and took loan from World bank. And it was paid back within 30 years. And now it is one of the richest countries competing with US of A. And all it is, is a dot on the map. How did it become so rich? So prosperous? All my research talks about one person who served three decades as Prime Minister of Singapore - Lee Kuan Yew, Chinese. One person who is responsible for its turn over. How did he do it? Is this what called Super powers?

I know many of friends, classmates, juniors, colleagues – how they have changed their fates. How their life's changed from nothing to so much. Stroke of luck? Or did they consciously make an effort for it or it just happened? When did I stop running? When did I start relaxing that I did not even realize how securely I have placed myself in a comfort zone and never thought beyond? Or have thought but never acted on!

What am I waiting for to happen?

I hope its not some freaking accident that will turn me into a super woman :-D.  I should get away from fictional world, seriously!

PS: Posting this from much longed for MAC and I feel nothing.

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!

Gyan

Much needed gyan -

http://women.siliconindia.com/women-expert/Being-A-Women-eid-191.html

True Freedom

 Copied this from one of my Facebook friend's wall post. So true...that I could not stop making a note of it on my blog!

 After all, the lives we lead at present, based on needs, desires and the ways of controlling desire, make us more shallow and empty than ever. We may be very clever, very learned, able to repeat what we have gathered; but the electronic machines are doing that, and already in some fields the machines are more capable than man, more accurate and swifter in their calculations. So we always come back to the same thing which is that life as we live it now is so very superficial, narrow, limited, all because deep down we are empty, lonely, and always trying to cover it up to fill up that emptiness; therefore the need, the desire becomes a terrible thing. Nothing can fill that deep void within - no gods, no saviors, no knowledge, no relationship, no children, no husband, no wife; nothing. But if the mind, the brain, the whole of your being can look at it, live with it, then you will see that psychologically, inwardly, there is no need for anything. That is true freedom.

-J Krishnamurti.

 

Marriage? Men? Culture?

I fail to understand! Is it only in India or is it only with men or is it really the case with marriage. I was in a meeting today among all men and in a discussion they concluded that "I don't care!", now that am getting married. How can I not care about my job? Does marriage really take away rest of your life? If so, then why should it be only with women why not men? What makes them think that only they can get married and still get on with rest of their life, like job, friends, fun, parties and etc?! Why can't women do the same? I wonder if this is how marriage is perceived across the world or it is just these stereotyped Indian men who think so or who want the women to be so.

How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream.  I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of  has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.

How I can love someone without losing My Self?

Drafts

I wanted to make an entry on this blog on March 11th the day I officially committed to share my life with Vinod, but thought otherwise as I had so much to write and did not know how to say all that. And two more entries for the movie "A Separation" and the book " Before I go To Sleep". Like always say, someday!

Pelli Pustakam

Aesthesia

She was panting...fighting for breath. But still she could not stop. She has to run. She has to reach on time. Every time she looked at her watch she felt it was lying to her. Last time she looked at it, it said 9 AM, and now it was 9:12 AM. She has been running for the last 12 minutes and yet she was  no nearer to her destination. She had a sharp quick pang of fear. She was sweating. She wanted to run fast but time was running faster than her. She had to be at the place in 3 minutes. Doubts clouded her mind. What if she cannot make it to it? No! That cannot happen. For some reason she was forced to be at the place, though she was not able to remember what the reason was. All she knew was to keep running and to reach the place before 9:15, as if it was a matter of life and death.

She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them  failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.

It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.

She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.

She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.

Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!

For The One In My Life

Been happy, been sad and boy have I grown
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again


You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around


Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes

Work In Progress - Words That Matter

      Jay typed those two words and hit send; "Sure Diana". He had come back from a late night party and could not fall asleep. He surfed through TV channels and nothing caught his interest. He got on the internet to check his emails that needed his response. When he was almost done at the end of half an hour, he saw little window popping up at the corner of his laptop screen that said,"You've got 1 new message". Diana had replied to his email that he sent in the morning, now. She wanted to meet him. It was routine for him. His reportees asking for meetings. These meetings were very revealing for him. Most of these people were very different from their usual, inside his office. As  if his office had the comfort of a couch in a therapist's room. Or that he had the knack of letting other person open up to him and speak out their minds/ hearts. Or may be its his delightful smile that changed things around. He too believed that he could make anyone talk to him, at ease, till he met Diana. He hit send without much thought, but later he thought why would Diana want to meet him. He tried hard to remember their last meeting.

He hated their first meeting in his office. He wanted that meeting to never happen. That meeting was forced on to him. But when Diana came in his office, for a moment he felt otherwise. He wanted to welcome her into the team, yet Diana's coldness in their first meeting brought in the mean streak in him. Unlike others she looked snobby to him, and too proud to acknowledge that she needed any help. One way to get to him was to let him know that one was in need of help. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. But, Diana looked so self-contained and arrogant, that he felt nothing but to hate her guts. He was always miles away from arrogance. And to shove away Diana or her arrogance, he had to be cranky and derogatory to her. Right after their meeting with Diana that day, he felt both guilt and gloat.

And today, he was curious why Diana wanted to meet him. She never came to him in spite of all the hardships he gave her. She seem to have survived well in the new team. Then what was it now that she wanted to talk to him? He flirted with the idea that she might after all has given up, faltered and failed at something that she needed his help now. And that thought made him concerned about her for a second. But his sleep overtook and swallowed all of his thoughts into void leaving Diana at no mercy.


                               ---------***********************************-------------


People around Diana always said that things came to Diana very easily. As if everything was planned  and all she had to do was be there at the right place in right time. That is because she never told anyone how tough it was to her to even reach that RIGHT place. She hated people who attributed something to luck and not in their own abilities. Right from her childhood everyone around her thought she has a luck streak that she does not have to work hard for anything. Even her own parents thought that she is taken care of, and that she *needed* nothing. Diana many a times wanted to fail miserably that she could seek help. She could seek shelter. She wanted people to see that she too is vulnerable. But her self-respect told her otherwise. And she sometimes hated herself for being so strong. For being so shielded that she missed being taken care of.

She wondered what Jay thought about her? Did he also think she is already privileged and so the inefficient employee like Mark *needed* his support and not Diana? Is he also one among those who cared for second-handers and under-performers? Ethan's words came back to her, and she thought she should suspend all her thoughts till she met Jay. She got herself busy with work that she almost forgot about the meeting when Jay came to her desk to remind her of the meeting.

'That is a good sign', She thought; Jay reminding her of the meeting. After all those two words that he sent last night were not something that he typed in his sleep and totally forgot about it.

She followed him into his office....

Wait Til You See My Smile

When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show

When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show

People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile



Hey
So you're doin' better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need em'
Cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever
Sing

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Choice or Chance

In hindsight my life seems to be a series of chances than choices. First thing I ever dreamt of in my life was studying abroad, and that did not happen. So many things, they just happen. Not by my conscious choice but sudden and impulsive. The jobs that I chose, the offers that I accepted, friends and so on. What is it that one counts on when they take such decisions? Intuition? Or these decisions influenced by the gyan given by others?

Not that I have regrets but it looks like I have never really taken any risks in my life. I let things happen. In their course of time and place. There were situations where my carelessness or lack of respect to my own well being costed me enough depression or whatever. But no matter what was happening in my life there was one thing that I did justice to in my life. Not to my family, not to my friends and not even to me. It was and is my work.

Today, I felt so happy for being back at work. The entire weekend I wanted so badly for Monday to come. I think this is my place of retreat. Work always helped me recover. Always. May be that is the only place where I know what I am doing and I do know the outcome as well. Only place am really appreciated for my abilities(?). Only place I have friends where in the "distance" does not come into picture. Only place where I can be ME. Only place where I can forget the rest of the world and just do what I want or like to do. It sounds so depressing to write or admit that my workplace is my other home.

I have been so happy and used to my single life, that constant family ties are bothering me. Especially these elders. I do respect them for their age, apart from that all of them have failed miserably in my judgment. I may sound the same to my next generation but I know better not to indulge in such trivialities. Right now I hate everyone around me. I just hate them. No hate is not the right word. I am just surprised at their stupidity. And what worries me the most is that someday am going to end up like them; God Forbid!

There! Let out!

I Don't Know

Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.

It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants! 

May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life.  Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.

I Cannot Die Washing Up A Tea Cup

I do not call myself a feminist, but I try to watch every movie that is made on women. Watched this movie "The Iron Lady", one cause its a movie based on a woman and two cause one of my favorite actress Meryl Streep got an Oscar for the Best Actress. I did not so much like Margaret Thatcher as such. Whatever she is or she was I did not like the way she declared war against Argentina. May be I did not read it right from the movie, blame the director!

What caught was this one line - "I cannot die washing up a tea cup", when Denis proposes her. She says, "I will never be one of those women Denis - who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One's life must matter. Beyond all the cleaning, cooking and the children, one's life must matter more than that.".

I want to be more than a daughter, a wife, or a mother. Will I be? Have I already past the age where I could be more than all of these? Have I missed that chance already? Would my life matter? I seriously seriously want to write a book someday. One thing I want to do before I die. I want to be something, someone - important. Not just to my family and friends but to the world. Hope me being ambitious does not affect my life in a bad way. Likewise, hope my ambitions do not die off in the mist of family responsibilities. 

I cannot blame this major change in my life  - marriage; for being  skeptical about my dreams. Cause apart from getting a comfortable life and a successful career I have not done anything great or exciting so far in my single life either. Why? Fear of what lies at the end of the road? Fear of moving out of comfort zone? 

Lately, am taking good enough risks. House. Marriage. I learnt dance just cause I love dancing but never thought of performing on stage and coming Monday am performing for the third time in my life ( yeah if you consider those school day dance shows :-P ). May be someday I will have enough courage to publish my own book. Someday!

Deadlines

I love deadlines. They kinda give an adrenaline rush. They push me. They challenge me. People sometimes call me "Time Table", "Scheduler" blah blah. But I like being on time. I like setting targets and aiming for them. Even if the target is for watching all the latest movies or finishing all those pending books lying around on the table for months now.

So I bought these 5 new books and seriously doubt if I can finish all of them in this year. I have got a list of movies to watch. Even the TV series that I watch regularly, and which I wait eagerly every week, are pending. I have so many arrangements to do for the upcoming events in my life, I have so many things to take care of, yet am just sitting idle doing nothing. I am not doing anything at all. I don't like this change in me. I don't like being a lazy ass. I don't like me now. Oh yeah, one thing am doing is thinking. I cannot stop myself from this. Just thoughts without actions is a torture. And to add to all of these my aerobics instructor is also on leave. The same fever seem to have caught her too.

I want a break. I really want to run-away, hide myself somewhere for a while in silence. And this is something that I can never muster enough courage to do. But someday! I will have my own retreat which I can escape to. For now, this is my plan for escape - all those TV series and movies.

Roller Coaster Ride

I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.

Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.

Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!

Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!

State Of Affairs

Looking back sometimes I think reading Ayn Rand is a mistake. I hated my work environment, second-handers, hypocrites around me. This created lot of stress in both my professional and personal life. It took me a long time to start ignoring stuff. 

But time and again these things get to my notice and I just have to vent it out. At office, I seriously do not understand how people survive. Seriously. Ideal office is where everyone works. Now it is so hard to see people who even respect their job, who even acknowledge they are being paid by the company and that they have an obligation to work for the company. Yet, few think that their job is surviving cause of them which in fact is the other way. They say work is only a part of life. Of course but isn't your job which is giving you the life that you have?

I really hate people who dodge from their work, who are insincere. And there is another category where in the  person does not have the very basic requirement that is needed to run their job. Say, being organized is an important requirement for a job like Admin assistant, and the irony is this person survives for exactly being so unorganized. How? It is a big question to me. Likewise I know of many positions at my office and I keep wondering how they survive. 

And well, flirting seems to be a good soft skill to acquire. Oh yes. Being blunt, open and honest is no good. You give a little importance to these people and they start to drool all over. May be this IS needed for them in order to survive. Survive their otherwise useless lives. 

How much people seek acceptance from others? Aren't families and friends in our lives not for this reason? Why romance with your acquaintances? And I am pretty sure that last thing on these people's mind is friendship. And all these people I am talking about are married men/ women. I really pity their spouses.

And why do I get to see all these? I don't know! And why do I get to hear all this? I don't know! All I can say is these people make it so obvious that it is next to impossible to not notice the state of affairs. And believe me it looks ugly.

Falling In Love

I don't know why I thought I would never fall in love. I don't know why I thought love cannot happen in case of arranged marriages. Because am contradicting myself. Am falling in love. With a stranger I met exactly 10 days back. A stranger with whom I would be sharing the rest of my life. Magic does happen when you let it happen to you. I thought I could not respect this person, could not love him passionately enough. But every time I talk to him I feel small. Small in terms of age. I am growing younger with each talk. I feel like a child. Protected. Adored. I never knew I would like the idea of someone owning me. 

On one side I hate myself for being this girl who is all  fluttery about love, marriage blah blah. On one side I like the silly me. For once I would like to let my hairs down and enjoy being stupid, gooey. I hope to have my feet firm on the ground so that I don't fall flat on my face. Even if I fall I know there is someone to catch me ;-)

Men

How much you are judged when you are a woman? When you are someone's wife? All that you are as an independent woman is gone in a whiff? Would men ever change? Why do they give all that attention to some girl who is single even though they themselves are married and why do they suddenly change their care or attention when you are no more a single? Why do they think they do not need to be nice to you anymore? As if they get nothing being nice to you suddenly? What was it that they were expecting before and what is it now that has changed? Am glad that their intentions are revealed so easily. Now I get to know what kind of men they really are. And am happy to know who really are my good friends. 

Am really really greatful to all those people who still give me the same importance, same treatment, same concern, care and attention and who are really helping me through the wavering moods and haunting doubts. Thank you Ankit Singh, thank you Deepesh E. Am still the same person to these people. Am a friend in need to these people. Before my work ( and of course after, now a new addition my better half ) guess my friends are the most important aspect of my life. More than my family. Not an exaggeration, being an elder one at home am the one who give my parents the support that they need and I seek it from my friends. I have written so many posts about friends and I will continue writing more on them cause they never disappoint me in the journey of my life.

Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

Movie based on the novel that goes by the same name, author - Jonathan Safran Foer. I never read any of his books. This movie got 6.4 rating on IMDB. But I gave it a 7. Read few reviews online before watching the movie. Most of them were negative saying that movie is a cheap trick cashing on 9/11 aftermath. What caught me are the words "in search of a lock for a mysterious key" in the movie synopsis. May be I am a sentimental fool that I like this movie.

It indeed gets sleazy at times. But that is the way I look at emotions. They make you so vulnerable. You are not what you are when these emotions shadow you. Anyways, this is not a movie review, is it? I like the boy and his childhood for believing in things. For his never relenting search. For his love. For his fallacies of not being able to pick up his Dad's last call, and hiding his Dad's last messages from his mother. 

I love the way he uses few metaphors. For example, correlating his denial of not being able to let go his Dad, he says - "If the sun were to explode, you wouldn’t even know about it for 8 minutes. Because that’s how long it takes for light to travel to us. For 8 minutes, the world would still be bright, and it would still feel warm. It was a year since my dad died and I could feel my eight minutes with him were running out".

I think I would have loved the book more than movie. But I watched the movie before reading the book. I gotta order this book.

Life is harsh, mean, and so unfair. Yet, living it is worth. Life is an oxymoron in itself. Yet life must go on! It's been a long long time I have been so philosophical.

The Grownup

It’s times like these, when you don’t know what to believe, that it becomes frustrating. Those times when you can’t tell whose voice you’re hearing. One is the grownup, the mature one. The one who always rationalizes everything. The realistic one who doesn’t care but about themselves, about not getting hurt while hurting others in the process.

The other one would be the child who cares about everyone. The child that is always laughing and giggling. It’s always happy with what it has and is a joy to have in life. Everyone loves that child but they don’t know it. The grownup hides the child away from you, so you don’t act like that child. The grownup wants you to mature, to be realistic, not to take risks so you won’t hurt yourself. But you can’t really enjoy your life without that child.

The child is the only one who knows what you’re really feeling, the only one who can tell you. But it’s hidden away, kept under lock and key. Its voice, drowned out by the grownup trying to sound like it, disappears. The grownup is doing an excellent job feeding you lies for which you do fall and keeping you miserable while convincing you, that you’re just fine, that you are content with your life.

The grownup being your brain and the child your heart

Out of Denial

I am a slow reactor. It takes time for me to realize. Recently I had my mid-year discussion and my manager gave me my rating :-(. I realized it only after 4-5 hrs that my rating is given to me. So many other things. Why is it that I just fail to register. I bought a flat, in the location( HSR Layout) I want, this swept off my bank balance, yet I forget at times that I have my own roof. 

And well I finally said yes to marriage. Not sure what was going on in my mind that made me said yes. May be investing in a house brought the courage in me that I can take risks in life. Or may be I started believing in the brighter side of life and accepted the life is a chance and its worth risking in-spite of all the hurdles one faces. Guess am out of denial mode.

Yeah am a bride now :-). All am excited about is the new sarees, jewellery and dressing up! Apart from that I don't think I understand that I am getting married in few months! I am not curious, anxious or anything. God save him ;-). Have not shared this anyone except with my manager. Why I told him? He is the one who approves my leave is the only reason would be a lie. But felt good after letting this out. But I don't want to tell everyone get worried either with all their suggestions, predictions, advises etc.

I really need my close friends Shanti or Bindu to make this easy for me. I am suddenly missing many of my friends Arpan, Shalini, Sirisha. I am missing my MOM the most. Wish she would come back soon.

Work Nuisance

I am brain dead. Totally drained of any enthusiasm or energy. I feel so demotivated at work. I lost focus. And don't know where I am lost. There were times when I hated my job, but right now I just have no energy to even hate my job. I need inspiration. I need a good pep talk. But to worsen the case I got feedback at work that I am not looking beyond my comfort zone. Yeah THAT is a joke! I am many things but not someone who rejoices in the comforts and let things flow.

Anyways, last evening I was early to my Aerobics class, well yes all that happened at office drove me there early. There was this dance class going on and I sneaked in to watch. The dance teacher was teaching the same steps over and over to these dumb girls who could not get the steps straight. But his expression and energy each time was the SAME. Same steps, same music, in the 5 mins that I spent he must have gone through the same step 5-7 times. But each time the music starts and he dances, he has the same joy, passion. No hints of any routine or boredom at all. And he keeps talking incessantly cracking jokes, making conversations with me and others who are not even part of his class. He is so live. Alive. He is enjoying his work so much. Even though it is so repetitive. Is that even possible in IT field? 

Guess my work lately has become so stupid that I lost focus. I can blame it on hundred other things. Guess I  need one tight slap to jolt back in action. Or may be not. May be its just am at the receding side of the bell curve. Patience! It will all pass and I will be back. Alive.

If You Truly Care What You Write

Got this article from the internet....read on.  

The Best Way to Find Your Writing Voice? Stop Looking

Are you afraid that your writing isn’t unique enough?
Or perhaps worried that you won’t have anything meaningful to say?
Discover your writing voice is a big obstacle for a lot of people.
I’m both sad and excited about this, because the solution is simple, but not easy to act on.
The fact that you’re afraid of sharing your message with the world just means that you truly care what you put out there, and that caring is what will make a big difference in your writing.
When I started, I was paralyzed by the thought of sharing my internal world with the outside world, and still am from time to time, but I write anyway, and I’m still alive.
Every writer cares about what others think, which means you will be afraid, stuck, and miserable from time to time.
It’s a part of doing what you love. When you realize that, you also discover that it’s not about eliminating the fear, it’s about dancing with it.

What is Your Writing Voice?

Your writing voice is not something that’s fixed and something great writers keep in their back pocket. Your voice is constantly evolving, growing, and wanting to express itself.
All you can do right now is to express the voice you have. Do not wait for a-ha moments and big discoveries, because they may never come.
Your voice is like an unpolished diamond. The potential is always there, but it takes hard work to uncover what’s inside.
Nothing will happen unless you act. There is no magic incantation you can use to bring forth the brilliance within you, except the magic of hard work.
Your voice doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to express it.

Why You’re Wrong About Your “Writing Voice”

If you’re like most people, then you see your writing voice as something mysterious, out of your reach, and something you need to discover.
But just like in real life, you don’t have to discover your speaking voice, because you already have one.
You are who you are, and you write the way you write.
As you keep writing, eliminating blocks, and moving forward, your writing will evolve.
And believe it or not, so will your “writing voice.”
I cannot guarantee that people will listen to you, but so what?
If at first no one reads your writing, you keep writing and improving.
If at first no one finds you unique enough, you keep writing, and you uncover your uniqueness.
You have to be willing to fail until you can succeed.

The Solution to Your “Writing Voice” Problem

You may think that you have to discover your voice before you can blog, write, or whatever you want to do, but it doesn’t work like that.
Most people have it backwards.
Your voice isn’t found, it’s honed.
You already have a writing voice, just like you have a speaking voice.
To become a great writer, you have to practice diligently.
When you say you cannot start because you haven’t found your voice, you’re making an excuse.
And do you realize that the only way to really get the writing voice you want is to do exactly what you fear—to write and put yourself out there?
That’s the beauty of it all.

Books, Movies and Life

1Q84

 If I like a book or a movie I want to tell this to the world, I want everyone to feel the same that I felt; awed. But like always, stuff that I like the most is where I fall short of words. I could never get to write a review for the best movies or books that I love. Somehow putting it in words what I felt was a dishonor, as if my words would not do the justice to the author, actor or director. And I also realized that trying to tell someone that so and so book or movie is good has no point. If they are good they speak for themselves.

Violets Of March

I wanted to write about this TV show since a long long time...Grey's Anatomy. Yes I am an engineer but I love this medical drama. Since I have been watching this show I at times regret for being and engineer and not a doctor who can save lives. Who is the GOD on earth. I think work on life is the most beautiful thing on work. Well, I  comfort myself thinking that I somehow indirectly am saving life's :-P.

Anyways, the creator of this sitcom, Shonda Rhimes, has done a great job. And the writers are just awesome. So many different lives of these characters and how they are interwoven with their profession...its just awesome. And to add to it they do know how music does magic. They have chosen beautiful songs to go with the scenes. Christina Yang has been my favorite character. And for Season 6 it was Calley Torres. And at times I like Meredeth Grey. And though Derek and Mark are supposed to be the attractions of the show on men's side, I think Owen Hunt is super hot. The show is running its Season 8 and I have never felt bored. I watched all the episodes of all seasons more than twice. What would I do when the show ends someday?
 

Before I Go To Sleep

The Year Of Fog

Wow! I guess I exceeded my expenditures this month already. Spent 2.5k and ordered these books yesterday through FlipKart. And they are here now on my table already :-).

- The Violets of March by Sarah Jio
- Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
- 1Q84: Books 1, 2 and 3 by Haruki Murakami
- The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond

There should be a job which pays you for reading so many books. Boy! I would be a millionaire :-P

Best of current season 8 of Grey's Anatomy -

1. If/ Then Season 8, Episode 13

2. All You Need Is Love Season 8, Episode 14

Work In Progress - The Drama

When she woke up she was not sure if she was still dreaming. But seeing name on the display of her phone she knew it was not a dream. Her boss was calling her on a Saturday morning?!. Due to recession fear, head-count reduction rumors or most importantly the missed deadlines, most of the staff was working on weekends for the last few months. And Diana too was working on weekends except for that day. She was to see an Ortho Doc, for an injury that she suffered during one of her work-out sessions. In spite of everyone telling her to go see a Doc, she has been postponing it till that day. She had informed this to Jay already that she will not be in office on Saturday. Like all her emails this was ignored too.

She was still staring at the display, wondering what is it that Jay is calling her for?! Cuddles snorted at her as if he was irritated with her phone ring tone, and as if to say, 'Will you pick it up already?'.

She took the call and said "Hello Jay?".
"Diana, are you going to be in office today?"
Well, how about a 'Good Morning Diana', to start with she thought.
"Umm...no. What is it Jay?"
"I realized our buddy Mark is not here this week and I want you to take up his column", said Jay.
Mark? Our buddy?. "But Jay, I am already running behind my schedule, I don't think I can take up his work", Diana said fending.
"My question was not if you can do it or not, it is will you do it or not? And I hope you the  know schedule, I want this done before 3 pm today", said Jay with his raised voice.

That upset her. 'He does not even know that I am on leave today and he expects me to work and gives me a deadline? And a work that is to be done by someone else?', she thought. She had no issues with authority per se, but she had very few situations where someone dictated her what to do. And in such cases, she always resisted. Taking orders and rules was something that she was not  acquainted with, unless she knew that it was in her best interests. One thing she could not compromise on was her self-respect. Someone giving her an ultimatum. A choice between 'Yes or No', 'Will you or will you not'. And her usual answer was negative, which was goaded mostly by her ego!
 

'Is he commanding me? Am I to say yes to everything that he asks for?

There was a long pause, and Jay was waiting for Diana's response on the other side. People taking her for granted is something that she really really hated. She pulled up all her courage to say 'No'. But she was surprised to hear herself say, "Okay! I will do it". And she regretted saying it before Jay could hear the half-hearted okay.

'What the F**k? Why did I say okay? Did I think saying yes to this will change Jay's behavior towards me? What was I thinking? '. Right then, Jay looked like a heartless cruel sadistic person that she ever met.

"But, 3 o'clock deadline seems to be next to impossible".
"Sure, take your time, but this has to go on Sunday's special. So you have time till midnight", said Jay.
Diana was thinking about her appointment with the Ortho...when Jay did not get a response, he  mellowed and said, "Diana? Are you still there? I do understand its a Saturday, but we have all been working over weekends and I would really appreciate it if you can finish this up".

All Diana could say was, "Ummm". 'Yeah if only you had seen me limping all around the office for entire week, if only you knew how overloaded I am with all the work, if only you knew that I too have a life...you would understand!', she thought.

Jay continued to say that he too has been working hard for the last few months and that it is really been hectic lately,  all of which Diana failed to listen. She realized that none of it mattered now and all she needs to do is to get over with the work. She stayed silent for the rest of the conversation except for saying Umm's.

"Okay, so I will see you in office today and we will work on this", Jay said before saying bye.
'We', she wondered. And like she thought Jay was never in office the entire day. She left office at 11 in the night after emailing him the column for review. That was her Saturday.

By Monday, Diana had many regrets for taking up job at The Dawn. For chosing to work with Jay. For ignoring Jay's hostility all this while, for saying yes to work on Mark's column.

"Diana! Oh gosh, you look awful, let me guess you had a horrible weekend?", asked Sofia.
"Don't get me started about how my weekend was", Diana replied.
"By the way, looks like marriage did good for Mark, his creative side has come out, did you see the reviews on his column on Sunday? This is the first ever appreciation that he ever got in his entire career!"
"What? You mean last Sunday's column?", Diana asked surprised.

She went back to her desk and wrote a one liner email to Jay asking for a meeting, to which he replied saying that he was busy most of the day and that he could not meet her, but he was free the next day. That reply enraged her that she pushed back her chair to leave office for that day. Right then, she spilled the coffee on  her table which was all over her shirt.

On her way to the wash room she hit her already sprained ankle against the fire extinguisher which aggravated her anger more than her pain. With all the humility, disappointment and feelings of betrayal she banged the wash room door. She cleaned herself up and looked in the mirror. Tears. There were tears running down her face. She did not realize until then that she was crying. And she had no control over those tears. She kept wiping them off her cheeks, but they were not stopping.

Her phone was ringing again. It was Ethan. Her tears became loud sobs when she saw that name.
"Yeah", she said on phone, with a gurgled voice.
"Hai Dee, wait a minute. Are you crying?", asked worried Ethan.
"Nuuooo", she said, still sobbing.
"What is it? Problem at work? Home? Someone said something to you?"
Diana response was jsut her weeps.
"Alright. Are you at work? I will be done in 15 mins, will come and pick you up. We will talk. Is that ok with you?", asked Ethan.
"Ok"
"Now stop crying and pack up. Will be right there with you soon", said Ethan rushing her.
As if she found a temporary solution to all her problems, she sighed and stopped crying at once. She washed up and was ready to meet Ethan and let out all her miseries of her pathetic weekend.

She broke up with Ethan Covey 4 yrs back. They met in one of the photography workshops and they instantly hit it off. Back then they hardly had any discussions or talks between them. Words really played no role in their relationship. It was as if they knew what the other person was thinking or was about to say. They had so many similar tastes, preferences. Life was so easy and simple with Ethan. As if it is a party to enjoy with no worries, tensions.

Diana had to move to the City to work at The Dawn and leave her small home town, and that is when Ethan professed his love for her. Though she knew that it was coming she was in a fix when it came to what her response is. She had high hopes and dreams of her own. She did not know how he would fit in those dreams of hers.

Yet, she loved all the care, attention and each moment spent with Ethan, that she reciprocated, with an SMS after a late night dinner with him, that said, "I love you too :-)". Later Ethan followed Diana to find job in the City. But things changed for them once they moved here. She was always so caught up with her own goals, aims, and grandiose thoughts and she could barely involve him in any of these. Ethan felt left out. First thing that Ethan liked about Diana was that she was always in the right. And the same is what he was hating her the most - for always being right.

She was always in a race. Apart from her job nothing else seemed important to her. And all this was drowning for Ethan. And she was trying to rub this on Ethan too. She was making plans for Ethan's career too. That was the only way she knew to show her love. That was the only way she knew to show that she cared for him. But to Ethan, this looked like she was trying to control his life.

A relationship where there were no words, there were arguments now. And eventually they both decided to end the relationship for their own good. With time they lost touch until a year later where they happened to meet in a cafe.

Since then they have been friends. Good friends. They were in and out of many relationships later. But their relationship as friends stayed. Many of her friends asked her the possibilities of getting back with Ethan. But she knew that it would never happen. If something good like moving to a City with promising careers could not keep them together, then they do not stand a chance with a life full of unexpected turns and twists. May be Ethan knew this too.

"Tell me about it", said Ethan.
"It's my boss!", said Diana.
"What? Boss? Ha ha ha...you are kidding right?"
"No", said Diana firmly.
"Okay. Go on...am all ears", said Ethan.
"Well, first of all I don't think he likes me and I don't know why!"
"Did he tell you he does not like you or is that your assumption?", asked Ethan.
"He says it in each of his actions. He simply hates me".
"Okay, so now am talking to the great interpreter of actions is it? You know what your problem is, you assume. And you over-analyze!", said Ethan and he regretted those words immediately.

One thing he learnt from all these years with her is, that when she is sad and trying to share something, he is only supposed to listen to her and not pass judgements, advises or comments. He knew that he had upset her already. And only two men knew the crankier side of hers. Her Dad, and Ethan. And it is absolutely impossible to deal with her when she is cranky. Unfortunately both of them get to see mostly the petulant side of hers and they seemed to be fine with it. Her Dad cause he has no other option. Ethan cause he preferred this to otherwise, obsessive, aggressive, highly-opinionated, wise women. Her emotions made her dumb and he liked that. It was easy to deal with her stupidity than her wits.

Before, she could react, he said, "Dee, I seriously think you should talk to him and stop over-thinking".
To which Diana replied with her about-to-cry voice, "I did, I called him for a meeting and he said he is not free today."
"So, who is dying tomorrow? You or him? You can still talk to him tomorrow. Now. If you really think I can help you, you have two options. We watch DVDs of your favorite TV show and order a pizza or go to the movies and have a dinner".

That is one trick of Ethan's that always brings smile to Diana. They chose to go to the movies.

That night after she came back from dinner, She replied back to Jay's email saying that she was okay for a meeting tomorrow. And to her surprise she got an immediate reply from him.

"Sure Diana".