Boredom as a Motivator?

Q: What motivates me?
A: Boredom

I have been less passionate than I used to be. At work, personal life or many other things. And I was thinking why? The answer is - busy. I have been so busy for an almost an year that I have little time to think. In the past, I did something new, or something drastic only when I was bored to death. From things like cooking a new recipe to learning difficult language like Japanese. I did all these things cause I had plenty of time, and that I was basically bored with life :-P.


Especially at work too. In my first job I was on bench( or jobless) for a week and that is when I took up this course( learn perl in 5 days ) and ironically PERL coding has become my major skill. I constantly have this urge to learn. Learn new things. Be it coding, be it in arts or be it entirely a new skill that I just want to try my hands on. So I guess ( boredom + student in me ) are biggest motivations.

I figured this after I had my mid-year career discussion with my Boss. I could not have possibly given him these reasons, even if I figured them earlier. All other reasons that we discussed today - like, perks, recognition, challenges, collaboration are really nice corporate terms. These are really not motivators, but the outcomes of a job well done. What really triggers a person, is I guess different from person to person, or the same - TIME?

Hell with others, but to me I need more pep talks. I need to talk. I need people around me with whom I can discuss possibilities. All I hear from office colleagues is about impossibilities or their personal stuff. And at home, I have not enough time to even discuss the basic things that are needed to run a family. Where did all the time go? Where are 24 hrs in a day? Marriage, Sis's marriage, Leo's health, my health, house...can I ask for my life to be a little less eventful?

I have to be a time table again. I need to count each hour, I need to find that lost TIME, I need to BE.

Love Is In The Air

Your heart flutters. Your head spins. You go dizzy. Only thing you can see is his face and only thing you can hear is your name from his mouth. You are spell bound under his magic that sweeps you off the ground.

                   This is what I learnt from all the romantic novels, movies. Things that happen to you when you meet "The One", for the first time. Did I spend my whole life looking for these signs? God no! I met Vinod exactly an year back on this day and none of this happened to me.

All that I felt on that day was - Comfort. I was in absolute ease with myself in his presence. May be I(my heart) already knew. Yeah being filmy again. All the questions I had, just ran out of the back door of my mind. It was as if we knew each other( well again, not from past lifes, like they say in the books/ movies :-p). Its just a feeling of familiarity.
                                   
                                     I never believed in that Love just happens in an instance. It grows on you. I am sure you would not have started loving your own sibling on day one. I remember hating my siblings till I was...ummm,  well old enough to get out of college. I wanted to be the only one to my parents. I hated sharing everything with them. I wanted the entire world I knew just to myself. I still don't understand when I started liking them and caring for them. I still don't know if I do it cause of the same genes in our blood or cause of having lived together for many years. Actually we started caring for each other only when we started living away from home, from each other.

                                                                                         Coming to romantic love that happens between opposite sex, especially in arranged marriages - I think people try to adjust, compromise, sacrifice to stay together, not out of love but cause of the promises made. Be it to each other, to the family, to the society. As if it is a bond never to be broken, if broken they are shunned by everyone around them. Few eventually give up trying to keep the promises and few succumb. To talk about love marriages - they are no different from arranged marriages. The story just begins a bit early, that is the only difference.

I am neither a modern nor a traditional woman.  At times I am so dumb that I cry while watching a romantic movie and at times I am as adamant that I can drive people around me crazy, that they start to hate me( not for a long time though ;-) ). Amidst my wavering personalities,  I do stand firmly on few  - "Sacrifice" should never be the pretext to love. Respect is an important aspect of a healthy relation and Comfort is the most important factor. And the rest will flow...in time, with time.

It's Valentines Week and Love is everywhere. Looking back this time last year, I attended one of my colleague kids birthday party. I went alone to that event and for the first time I did not wanted to be a bachelor anymore and I too wanted to go with someone. And since then I have never been alone and thanks to Vinod for that, for coming into my life.

The Little People

I love movies. Movie - a story told, a thought conveyed,  in the most imaginative and beautiful form. I really appreciate the detail, the effort, the team work, and man power that goes into movie making. And top of that the investment made in it. An art of collective minds - direction, script, music etc.

Why do people just cant simply enjoy a movie? Why don't they just see it as a source of entertainment? I have seen movies that bore you to death to movies that keep my interest no matter how many times I watch them. Some times I wonder how could they make such master pieces. Sometimes when I watch a boring movie I just see it as a poor art.

But banning a movie cause of religion? People are ok if a female is shown half naked dancing to an item number among hundred men, in a country that respects the women most. People are ok with movies made on cheating, adultery, theft and so on., calling them sizzlers, thrillers. People are ok with movies that pollute our morals, values, traditions but they have a problem with a movie made on terrorism! Such hypocrites.

Kamal Hasan is a great artist and a good human being. He is a risk-taking versatile actor. He is wise, reads a lot of books and he has a sense of humor. I watched one of his interviews with IIM Mumbai an year ago and he sure is a legend. I was not a great fan of his before, but now I am. Just because I do not want those cheap buggers to corner Kamal and make him the one - the victim. They should be in the minority not people like Kamal. Do they even know that half of his name "Hassan" is a muslim prophet name and that Kamal's father took this name from one of his friend out of sheer friendship?

He should be commended for taking a risk to make this movie Vishwaroopam on terrorism which really is needed to let at least the young crowd know ( I guess the most easy way to reach young generation is through movies). They SHOULD know the darker sides. They should know to respect and love ones country. I am not a great patriot nor am a fan of collectivism. But for good things, the more the better.

Remember When ( From Up Movie )

Curious Me

I am always thinking. Constantly. No matter what I am doing I keep thinking about something in the back of my mind. This was once a reason for my sleeplessness. Thank God, at least all the day-thinking makes me tired that I get good sleep nowadays.

I see a stranger on the road, I try to guess his age, his marital status, his profession, number of kids if married, and I even go to an extent of taking guesses on what kind of person s/he might be. My obsession pushes me to extremes where in I strike a conversation with a complete stranger just to know where I stand with my guessing. Of course I am not blunt in asking them direct questions. But most of the people give away lot of information. Few including my husband find it irritating when I am constantly questioning, wondering, or even observing. But it is not that I am pre-occupied or absent minded or lost, this activity just happens in the background, sometimes without even my consent.

For example, I visit a bank, I make a conversation with the banker, and you know what he sends me greetings for every festival/ holiday. But what's wrong in that? It actually makes me not stand in queue on a Saturday, or get things done just by a phone call not needing me to visit the bank and at times he even acts as my financial adviser telling me tips on FD's, e-RD's etc. I just became one of their priority customers, only cause of my curiosity not cause of my bank balance for sure( since the EMIs).

On the other day my husband and I visited this *local* Electronics shop, and the shopkeeper's daughter studying 8th at XYZ school in ABC Layout, was also there. How did I know where and what she is studying? Again, my curious mind that wants to talk, ask and know. What did I get? Probably nothing in this case. But another guess that the shopkeeper is doing well to have his both kids studying at XYZ school. A local shop that is. Most of the times I see him sitting idle doing no business, but I was wrong. Likewise vegetables vendor, car cleaner, a co-worker, and so on.

I do not know why I do that, nor do I know what I am trying to solve. But the theme seems to be people, people's lives. How they live, survive, succeed or fail. I sweep through this heap of data to find a story behind every person. May be constantly reassuring myself that one CAN SURVIVE no matter what. Or am I comparing my life to theirs? I hope not.

Many say that I am a good listener. Not because they are interesting or they are telling me an interesting story, but cause I simply find it interesting to know everybody or anybody. To analyze ( to use the right word ) them. To reason. Psychology or Philosophy, or simply an obsession. I just love doing this.

The Year That Was

2012. Per numerology, 2+0+1+2 which adds up to 5,  has always been my lucky number.

I was trying to remember and compare my life to what was before 2012 and surprisingly I could not remember much. I am pretty sure I have had many great memories, learning's, feel good moments before 2012 but all of that seems like a distant dream which I can only recollect vaguely. Many say they would want to go back in time to relive the same moments or go back and change few things in their lives. But I never felt that no matter what the situation was. I believed and still believe that everything that happens to us was or is for a reason. In the past I worried too much about what the reason was though. Now I know that the reason is, all these make you what you are.

I spent whole of my school/ college life in nothing but studies. Yeah it brings me smile looking back at myself in those days - stupid, innocent, bookish girl who believed in believing and thought belief is enough to rule the world!

And my first five years of career life, in being the son of the family! Shouldering responsibilities, and all that crap. Those were the years when I got the shock of my life on my opinion of the world. Making new friends apart from the college buddies, living on my own, alone out in a BIG SUPERFICIAL world!

Depression, pessimism were my best friends during these times and well, it brings me smile again looking back at this girl - cause today, I cannot believe that it was me back then. Stupidity is one thing that still kept clinging on to me.

2011 was a real game changer. Optimism, boldness, and taking risks. I started believing in things again. This year was the most productive year for me - it brought a lot of good things out of me; and into my life.

And 2012, feels like it was too short. It feels like I met this person Vinod, just day before yesterday and got married to him yesterday. Honestly. It just flew. There were no great learning's this year though, cause am still learning to live a married life. It really has taken a lot of my time :-P. Somehow, 2012 has thrown a blanket over all those years prior to it. I am no more a skeptical, pessimistic, angry young woman[ha ha ha].

Life may always not be great like TV ads say, but it is worth living.  What you make out of your life is what you want from it. Anyways, this gyan was already given by great people but below list is my favorite that worked best for me, and I strongly believe in,

- No one can help you best but you
- To love someone, you need to love yourself first.
- Almost everything is possible if you try
- With time EVERYTHING will change, there is no forever, so just chill and do not get stuck
- Health is Wealth
- Fun, an important recipe for a happy contented life. There is no point in being a grown up if you do not know how to be a child
- Have a clean conscience. Recipe for a peaceful life.

Wishing everyone the best of the days for 2013 and many more joyous years to come - Happy New Year 2013. 

Feeling Blue

I have been postponing penning this down since past few months, thinking that its just a passing cloud and I would feel better. Well, here I am - exhausted, helpless, lonely, sad and what not! This all might be the drugs flooding my blood talking! Who knows!

I am a person who believes in prevention is better than cure, but somehow I just could not stop myself from falling ill. I know what makes me sick, I pretty clearly know when am going to fall ill, yet, I push myself with stupid positivity which helps none and get myself into this deep gloomy state where I feel so worthless, powerless.

I remember making a resolution to have my health as top priority and I remember succeeding in that. But what happened to me now? Back to where I was before I took this resolution. Why? Cause I get carried away! I think, Oh! all is so rosy and sunny and so is my health. I just cannot take this one thing for granted. And I hate to be on check all the time. Why cant I just be like any other normal person and stop being a patient?

I have been sick before, and this year I was ill for 3 months at a stretch. Yet right now, I feel so tired of being ill. I want to give up on all the medicines, treatments and stop fighting my illness. I know I should not let my physical condition affect me emotionally or mentally. But its happening. Where did my boldness go? Where did my fighting spirit go?

Right now I cannot even yell. Only connection I have with my husband is through phone and with my voice that is interred by a swollen throat I cannot even communicate with any living being on earth( including my pet Leo). I always think I am so independent and I can survive alone, but if my MOM wasn't here last few days I have no idea what would have happened to me. How much our lives are dependent on others! Now I understand why people get married, why one cannot live alone and why everyone needs someone. And dependency makes us weak, and well, so does a bad health like mine.

What the hell! All I should think of now is ice creams, sizzle dazzle brownies, lots of tasty yummy sweets...when will I get better?

The Lords

I am not sure if it is in India or everywhere around the world, but why do people who own even a inch of land behave like Lords? Since my childhood I lived in both own and rented houses but I see this behavior more in Bangalore and especially in HSR Layout where every other person is a filthy rich real estate guy owning huge bunglows and probably many other plots/ houses which of course are his property by dadagiri or by cheating.

As landlords my parents were very considerate and accommodating to tenants. They never did show any pride. Lived in Jubilee Hills in Hyderabad( which compared to HSR Layout is far better a place), but people were hardly seen, except for the dog in the house or the watchman. And if you are lucky, you see someone, a celebrity. And they do not mind to say a hi or throw a smile at you. But in HSR Layout, you own 1 sq.ft of land and they behave like they own the entire Layout if not the state Karnataka.

The way they treat tenants is as if we are living on their mercy and we have no place to go on this earth. Heloo..we ARE the ones who are paying thousands of rupees as rent which is not any less than the monthly EMIs if one bought a house. They ask 11 months advance and one can only imagine the drama they do to return it back, probably they might be crying over a pillow. And there are no rules on increasing the rents every year. But freedom of living peacefully - none. Use less water that is take bath once in a month and do not wash your clothes ever; avoid relatives - I agree with them on this :D; scared of your dog - you should be, unlike me he can bite you when he gets angry; you are wearing mini-skirts - oh is there a dress code for tenants; your cooker makes noise - yours doesn't, which company cooker is it?; you are having fun - not at your cost definitely; I don't like your maid - my maid doesn't like you either, for your information your own maid doesn't like you either, I heard her bitching to mine; let's bitch about our mom-in-laws - no thank you, I would rather prefer bitching about you to my MIL; and the list goes on....


And all the landlords gang up, and they choose a leader for them - the one with the biggest house or the one with the oldest house. And the story gets funnier when a landlord A does not like landlord B's tenant.

 I am pretty sure this is not how RICH people behave. What is it that these landlords take pride in? Or make them treat tenants as ants? I guess they simply are intimidated by tenants. I see no other reason for them to be unreasonable. I think the richest may not show this behavior but the in-betweeners, who suddenly became rich, without any hard work, behave like nobody turned to Lords overnight. Most of the cases its their father-in-laws who gave them that piece of land for marrying their daughter or it is got by cheating, or by any illegal means.

Oh yes, you guys - the landlords SHOULD be intimidated, feel insecure about us. You know why, its our hard-earned money that is buying us a roof on our heads. Not our ancestral property or the dowry or  cheating.

In 5 days I am going to own a property officially on my name. And how much I want to say the F word and flip my finger to these a*****s.  My own landlords behavior towards us changed lately when they got to know that am going to own a house. Now they treat us as one among them. We sure would never want to be one among them. Buying a flat is not a dream or a plan that worked out well. I did it by the spur of moment. Moment when I got so pissed off with these landlords. And today, am glad that I took the decision. Freedom is the most important thing for a peaceful life and this is one bigger step towards it[ no I don't want to talk about financial freedom from EMIs ;-( ].

Margin Call - Movie Review

As always I don't remember how I ended up watching this movie. Vaguely I remember IMDB recommending this movie for me. I got so bored even with movies that I started watching all thrillers, suspense, mystery or action filled movies which would keep my interest till the end. But this movie falls under none of these categories yet it keeps your interest till the end.

And the whole credit goes to amazing performances by each of the actors. Each one of them. Kevin Spacey, Demi Moore, Jeremy Irons and I have to list each actors names if I go. Movie is about how the financial downfall started and what happened to the market during the economy dips. And whom to be blamed for all of this. 2 hours of just the dialogs, and entire movie happens over a night. Starting from the evening of a friday to the morning of next day. Initially most of it is gibberish unless you understand the finance terms and jargons. But half way through it you get a perfect picture and by then I promise you are way too into the movie that its better than any thriller.

Movie starts with layoffs, where HR is calling each of those candidates and explaining the severance package. One among the people getting fired is the head of Risk management who worked for the same company for more than 15 years. His phone and email are cut off immediately and he feels cheated. Irony is that till the end of the movie the company keeps chasing this guy as they need him. For what? Have to watch the movie to understand how the finance big heads think and operate to minimize whatsoever the impact is. Amazing.

When you are good at your job and if how good you are at your job is based on how cheap your ethics are, and what an individual goes through for being a cheat a fraud and being the reason for the entire rippling effect of the downfall how does one live? They sure do survive. But are they living? This is beautifully depicted by Kevin Spacey's role. He cries over illness of his dog and the next minute he is asked to give a pep talk after firing 90% of the staff on his floor. May be the only way for him to be in touch with life and humanity is his dog.

And there is this fresh grad who is half the time worried about everyone else's salary and wondering what they might be doing with so much money. Not until one of his boss explains him that no money is big money after taxes and responsibilities taken care of.

At the end of it they show that everyone works for surviving, not living. By the end of the movie you blame no one but pity all of them.

Great job by the director, script writer, screenplay and actors.

Being Yourself

After so many days, may be after months I enjoyed the day thoroughly being myself. Just myself. I totally forgot about poor Leo and his illness, or that I am married. Few men might have found my behavior weird or I don't know ( as per their conformance of what a married woman should be :-P). But I did not notice any such thing, may be its just me being over conscious about being married.

It was a fun day at work. Bowling, Archery and a good meal with team. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing - screaming, cheering, whining, and most importantly *winning*. Even if I had not won I would still have enjoyed the game. I forget myself when I get involved in such things. I behave like a child. And I don't care. I seriously admire the guy who said there is no fun in being old if you dont know how to be a child. Is it the sport, or the people? I like playing, but did not long to be part of any games/ sports. Did not even try. If I did, it was cause someone forced me into it. May be cause I did NOT take sports seriously I enjoy them :-). People - May be. I like crowds. I like being among hundreds of people. Not just being, but involved in some activity. I hate to admit it. But there it is. Sitting at home all these days might have made the BIG difference. For a tiny tiny moment I missed my bachelor days.

Thinking of fun, there are many forms to it. I almost decided being happy is more than enough. But I guess there should be different dimensions to everything.  Say, you might be happy in your personal life but that should not be the only life. One should have a profession, a hobby, an interest, something that keeps them from getting bored in life. Any fun or joy that you get from these is an added bonus. Its a different kind. Whatever happens in personal life is mostly by chance than choice. And rest is your choice.

Having fun in what you have chosen is more fun than fun in what has been chosen for you. Wow, so many fun words in a single sentence. Sure I am high!

Speculation

speculation |ˌspekyəˈlāSHən|
noun
1 the forming of a theory or conjecture without firm evidence: there has been widespread speculation that he plans to quit | this is pure speculation on my part | these are only speculations.
2 investment in stocks, property, or other ventures in the hope of gain but with the risk of loss: the company's move into property speculation. he was a millionaire from speculations on the stock market.

I think most of a human being's time in a day goes in this - speculating. And it really cracks me up knowing how these minds work. And interesting thing is to know that most of the time is spent on speculating or guessing about others than themselves. Everything has to fall under a pattern, a routine or a known territory. If not they get curious, speculative, and each one declares themselves to be a detective working on a national threat. And it does not give them a goodnight's sleep unless they reason it out and solve the case.

Reasoning. This is another interesting aspect of individuals.

There are people who assume what is convenient to them even if it is practically not true. These are the ones who live in denial. They are the ones who invite the trouble. And to get over from one trouble they create another trouble and the chain goes on.

There are people who assume the worst. Absolute pessimists. They just worry too much and these people create problems for themselves too - by overreacting or reacting for nothing.

Well in either ways trouble/ problems are for sure. No one knows when the tide is coming. When the time runs out. When the game is over. But lets have fun meanwhile - speculating :-).

I'm loving it!

Project "Home"

In 3 months from now, I will have my own house, well a HOME. And I cannot believe it for some reason. I still don't feel connected with the house that is being constructed now. I have been looking at it as yet another investment. I had almost forgotten this house of mine, oh well, only time I remember is on EMI day :D. And there are days when I repent on this decision of huge investment. But right now, as of today, I am working full time - in building this home. 24 hrs in a day seem not to be enough for this. I just want to disappear for these 3 months to come back to a house which is all set up and ready to move in.

I have this anxiety that settling down in this house, would mean settling down in life. A loving husband, loveable pet, a job, a home and that is it? Satisfaction is a real killer. I do not want this home/ house to conclude and define me. Am sure to many this is what LIFE means. Get a job, get a life partner, get a house, and then you are all set for the rest of your life. There ends all the interest in LIFE. What follows next are all natural events. Kids, more responsibilities etc.

I know this female from my first job. She was 5 years into industry when I was a fresher. Now she became an Entrepreneur. Wow this word sounds so good to me. That is what I want to be someday. It does not matter what venture I get into, but I want this title more than a diamond necklace or a huge mansion. There is one more title, "Author" which seems to be moving far and far away day by day. The day I have these titles that is when I would say am Home.

Sagittarians are real dreamers. I have never been the best of a sagittarian till today :-P. I better get real, and stop just dreaming and do something about my thoughts. Real world...here I come. Back to reality!

A Woman's Best Friend

Definitely not Diamonds.

Disclaimer: This post should be tagged with "Sappy", "Girly", "Senti"

I am a person who trusts no one. I always am cautious, cagey. Why? May be bitter experiences I guess. Said that,  I have never really opened up to anyone so much since...couple of years. All I have been doing is listening to people. Some of their problems were my problems too, but I never shared them. I only silently solaced in the joy that I am not alone. But the power of not sharing your other side gives you so much strength, and I wonder how. May be sharing with others, especially sharing your problems or worries, makes you weak. Weak, when you are openly admitting out loud to someone. And there creating a dependency on this person to share. Whether or not they solve your problems you still want to share even the silliest worry that is eating you up.

But on the contrary, not sharing and trying to deal with it just in your mind, somehow, I don't know[ may be have to read some psychology books :-P], makes you stronger. In a way it makes you live in denial that those problems don't exists in the first place. And every problem when given time, resolves on its own. There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that TIME cannot solve. Sleeping over issues has really made a big difference in my life.

All said and done, I really miss MOM. I am talking so much to my MOM these days, and I know that she was always there, and is there. But only now I realize that she is my Best Friend. I have discussed everything with her. From my job to broken nails. And it really never mattered if she understood the subject that am talking about. Probably only person whom you can completely trust with. Only person who can never think of harming you or mistreating you or misusing your secrets. And most importantly who never judges you. And who would patiently listen when you go on and on and on about some silly thing which probably would not matter the next day.

If your absence doesn't make any difference, your presence won't either.

Mom,  I am missing you badly. Your absence is really showing me the big gap in my life right now. I did acknowledge your importance many a times, but no records can match your love. 

PS: Change cause of marriage - missed both Mothers Day & Father Day this year.

Satyamev Jayate

All the TV series that I watch are taking a summer break. And Movies - waiting desperately for upcoming releases in June and July( Spiderman, Dark Knight, Brave and so on). And may be that is why I landed on this show - Satyamev Jayate. I always loved controversies, debates, arguments, discussions. And watching them without you having to get into trouble of making a comment? A delicious piece of cake.

I initially thought it is going to be another money making sentimental emotional fools show. First episode on female foeticide did not impress me much. But the next two on "Child Sex Abuse" and "Big Fat Indian  Wedding" were just amazing. Watched 4 episodes till now and am already addicted to this. 

Surprising to know that there is no law that can punish Child Sex Abuse till date in India. I do not know if I should be proud that our country did not face these cases till lately or that it assumed that there would never be such a situation. Guess this is how parents think. That all those horrible things happen to someone else. Even when they hear of such cases they always assume that the victim will be someone else. That is a parents heart, which cannot even bear to think of such atrocities happening to their kids. And that exactly must be these pedophiles strength. It was interesting to know these pedophiles psychology from Dr Mytra. And  I really liked his words, which I do want to mention here - "Respect Behavior". Respecting elders, respecting some one for their age is an old school. Respect is something that should be earned. Not ordered or demanded. So teach the kids to respect a person for their behavior and not just because they are older than you.

Indian weddings. I have posted enough on these already on this blog. And like I said in my very old post Indian wedding is nothing but a big fool's game where always the looser is the father of a daughter. And I really like the way how these things are changing with time. Late but not never. I guess these days, fathers of daughters are the proudest and happiest. Everyone these days want a daughter instead of a son. But somewhere in some corners people might still belong to a generation where females( daughters-in-law) are still treated as slaves, servants. Seriously, it is funny( am not sure if this sentence is correct! Seriously funny!). Buying a guy with dowry, like you buy stuff from a mall? Wow! Stats that were shown indicated that this is very prominent in South India and yes it is true. I know how people spend crores on marriages, crores in dowry. One thing I hate in South. There was a joke on the show. Guy from North-East was worried, that if he may not be able to watch cricket on the TV sponsored by Girl's parents, cause she might say it is mine, my Dad bought it. And there are these filthy rich people for whom dowry is a question of pride. Is that even called a marriage? Would the guy or his family have any respect if they base the marriage on dowry? I think this might be the reason for female foeticide. But the data for foeticide indicated less numbers in South India but more in North. So what could be the reason for foeticide?

My Marriage Myths( Post-Marriage Checklist)

Well. Almost 2 months into my marriage and I needed a reality check. Check what my assumptions about marriage were and what they are now. Why I am doing this? Cause questions like "How is marriage life?" really worries me. I felt like I was asked to answer a question that is out of syllabus. As if I was supposed to worry about marriage life and treat it as a concern.


1. You - One thing I learnt the hard way is to never lose your individuality. Nobody is worth sacrificing yourself. This was one place where my fictional world could not influence me. All those romantic novels or movies that I read/ saw too taught me that at the end, only if you could be happy, you can make others happy. You CANNOT make someone else happy by sacrificing your own happiness or your own self. If you are in a relationship where your partner cannot see your happiness as his/ hers then you sure are in an abusive relationship. If someone wants you to be sad, suffering and depending on them and calls its love, its time you call it quits. It is indeed very difficult to find a person who can accept you as is, but if someone can be with you in spite of all  your idiosyncrasies then you better change for good for this soul which is hard to find.

So. Marriage is not something where one person controls and the other obeys. Many ask me who listens to whom and I have seen people asking these questions to other married couples. Practically, I don't think anybody can control anyone. Marriage works on compromises. But not so many compromises that you forget who you are/ what you are in the first place.

2.Routines - Well,  I do not know who said routine is boring. But the comfort of doing the known is so relaxing. And every person builds their routines. Even the most spontaneous person should have some routine that s/he basks in. Few call these habits. Few call these addictions. I am not talking about addictions like smoking/ drinking which ARE bad whether or not you are married. Marriage does affect these. No matter how much you want to continue them.  And I guess most of the people get disappointed by marriage in this case. This is where they say I am losing freedom after marriage and that life has changed so drastically after marriage. May be that's an exaggeration, but I totally get them :-). These habits, routines, have been the Nirvana so far :-P and now suddenly it has to drop off. You might feel that you are losing control on your life. Especially for control freaks like me! ( which I have become in the last few years)

My routines - Walks. Movies. Books. TV Series. Working Out. Thankfully I can still enjoy most of these. Except for reading books. The more time we spend apart the more I can continue with this routine of mine. Which is sad. But I am happy that something or someone can fill in one of these routines. No regrets there. But may be if I start losing all of these, then I might feel the same too. Panic.

3. Friends - I hated most, no all of my friends once they got married. I am the last one to get married in my group and I really really hated them. Why? Cause they never had time for me once they got married. Somehow all that care/ attention/ interest/ curiosity about me or my life, that they had vanished once they got married. Even my closest friends. One whom I thought would not change in this aspect after marriage. But little did I know her plight.

And I really hated to listen either. I really hated when people used to talk about their marriage. As if only thing that mattered in their life's was marriage. Now I understand that they did not  ignore you, but they really had little time for themselves that they can afford spending it on YOU. And why they talk so much about marriage to you - cause you don't know anything about marriage and most of the times when people talk, all they need is an ear, not judgments, not opinions and not advises.

I jump into misunderstandings so soon. I must be a selfish person at times to have thought these people do not care about me anymore. And am really thankful to all my friends who in spite of demanding life's that they already had, could check on me once in a while.

4. Work/ Career -Hmm. I really get edgy when this topic comes to me. Does marriage affect this? Especially in case of women? Can you have exactly equal priority for your family and work? I don't think so. Why do women actually work? For financial independence? For time pass? For supporting their families? If they are well of, India based then do these women really care about their jobs? On a different note, can a guy like a women for just being the best house-wife? Best daughter-in-law. Best mother? Does he really care for what she can be or what she is? Does he think that she can have her life too? I don't think men have that big a heart. Do they? I cannot understand if it is men or these women who choose these life's. Life of a house wife. I do not know whom to be blamed. Or may be I really do not understand what it is to be a house wife in spite of knowing how tough a job it is. I personally think everyone should have a life. That defines them individually, not as someone's something or not as part of something. Stand alone. On their own.

5. Bloating  - I hate fat people. I actually had to research if saying this publicly is allowed. There are many others who already have ranted on this. I think these people are just lazy, irresponsible and have least sense of self-respect. They abuse their bodies. It is a misconception that you get fat if you are happy and lose weight if you are sad. In my case I eat a lot when am under stress, depressed. And this is true even scientifically. Anyways, I don't think marriage will make you fat. No matter how many eat-outs you have. You can still stay slim and fit. This was my biggest worry. Phew! Guess I will win all those challenges who said I will bloat after marriage.

 Whoa! I think am doing good considering all these major worries(myths) of mine. Now the only question is will this last for 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades or for a lifetime( considering I live more than 2 decades he hee :-P) ?

Loyalty

Every time I left a Company I felt like a cheat except once. When I left my first department in my current working organization. But do companies/ organizations really care about you? Are you really valued? Or do they really feel your loss - a big NO. Then why did I feel that I had let down someone?

There are people who recognize you for what you have done and reward you. There are people who do not notice you. In the later case you have nothing to think about than own self. In the former case they did it cause you performed. But what do you if someone has bet on you blindly? If someone did more than just recognize your work? Someone who really knows the weaker aspect of human beings and hit it - yes the personal touch, connecting, bonding blah blah :-P. Am not sure if one has God Fathers in their careers. Do they? Have not come across or heard of any such stories. If they did, would not their so called God Father be happy about a decision that is good for you?

Loyalty seems like a  such a big limitation in human life's especially when it comes to careers. Not leaving for better opportunities is a sign of loyalty or a career suicide? This is when I think I should work for my own organization and not for someone else where in you have all these question marks. And when will that happen? In dreams I suppose! Then why did I wake up now? Don't know again! Need another brain storming to know why this sudden adrenaline rush.

I cannot have the cake and eat it too. Got to make some tough decisions. Like always in two minds! And all the advise that I got is to let it pass. And wait. Be patient. Sleep over it.

Really? Sleep over it? Normally when I do this the end result is I totally drop off the idea in the first place. Only sleepless nights get me somewhere :-P.  May be all I need is one tight slap!

The Secret Life Of Words - Movie Review

Another master piece of Tim Robbins after The Shawshank Redemption. But whole credit goes to Sarah Polley for her brilliant performance. Movie is set in the middle of the sea, an oil rig, which perfectly captures the mood of the film. And the background sound tracks just add to the movie experience.

Direction is so powerful that even simple narrations by the actors, simplest of the dialogs talk so loud. Mean so much than what they are actually saying. Story of two people dealing with their terrible pasts. When the movie starts we see Sarah as a loner, stiff person who is so anti-social. Who has never taken one day leave or a sick leave from work for the last 4 years. Who eats rice, chicken and apples everyday, doing the same routine everyday. Even when she is asked to take a vacation, she spends the month helping burns victim in an oil rig. That is when we meet Tim Robbins, who is heart broken for loving best friend's wife, losing both love and friendship.

We tend to sympathize with him, till we know Sarah's story. A war victim. Two most captivating and moving scenes in the movie are when Josef(Tim Robins) talks about his fear of water and the way his father threw him into the sea, and when Hanna( Sarah Polley) shares her miseries. Josef realizes that his sorrows are nothing when compared to hers. Isn't everything in life relative? We may think we are drowned with problems, worries and issues. But compared to what?

Josef: How does one live with what has happened?
         The consequences.
          How does one live with the dead?

Hanna:  l don't know. You'll have to go on, l suppose.
            Everyone keeps on living for the future, some how.
            Or not.
            There are those who don't make it through.



My best character in the movie though is Martin. He is a Oceanographer, who measures the number of waves that hit the oil rig, the strength of the sea and water temperature. Though his job is just this, he collects mussels, and is interested in sea life. He is the only positive character who adds meaning to the movie. Who says Life is worth living and worth hoping for even if you have to be a loner. And even if no one notices you. Just keep going. Just keep thinking something can be done.

Hanna: They're shutting down, anyway.
Martin: Not if l can help it.
Hanna: What will you do?
Martin: This could be used for lots of things.
            Use the drilling motors to purge the water.
             lt's possible to cleanse the water.
Hanna:  What will happen if nobody takes any notice of you?
Martin: Well, l'll keep on measuring waves.
            Collecting mussels.
            And l'll keep thinking that something can be done.
Hanna:  l envy you, Martin.
            Really, l ... l didn't know
            there were still people like you about.

Super Powers

Movies watched in less than a week – The Avengers, Hulk, The Incredible Hulk and Men In Black III. I should not have watched any of these. Cause now I want super powers. Geez :D. I want to do so many things – do an MBA, work abroad, learn few more languages, and be something, something BEEEEG. Strange that I am ambitious now, after marriage! Am more ready to take risks now! Especially after Singapore trip I have been seriously thinking that I have achieved nothing till now. First time I felt how poor and corrupted India is, and how poorer I am! I thought I am having the best life. What an illusion!

It might all seem like am running behind money, but no. I am lacking the sense of achievement. Now I don’t feel that I have done anything great at all. Except for being sincere or hardworking [ which I must say I am proud of, given how superficial people have become.  That’s a bad rating of myself by the way. It is my disappointment talking. Am not this critical in rating of myself usually. I know people who does not even have half the brains that I have]. Are achievements something defined in terms of financial status or something judged and decided by people around. Or is it something that lasts the time?

Singapore was the poorest country in 1965 when it got its independence and took loan from World bank. And it was paid back within 30 years. And now it is one of the richest countries competing with US of A. And all it is, is a dot on the map. How did it become so rich? So prosperous? All my research talks about one person who served three decades as Prime Minister of Singapore - Lee Kuan Yew, Chinese. One person who is responsible for its turn over. How did he do it? Is this what called Super powers?

I know many of friends, classmates, juniors, colleagues – how they have changed their fates. How their life's changed from nothing to so much. Stroke of luck? Or did they consciously make an effort for it or it just happened? When did I stop running? When did I start relaxing that I did not even realize how securely I have placed myself in a comfort zone and never thought beyond? Or have thought but never acted on!

What am I waiting for to happen?

I hope its not some freaking accident that will turn me into a super woman :-D.  I should get away from fictional world, seriously!

PS: Posting this from much longed for MAC and I feel nothing.

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

The Hindu : Opinion / Columns : The Aamir Khan Column: It's your entire life — not just an event

What Did I Miss?

I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.


What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.

Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.

As always, stupid me over-thinking!