Hyderabad blues...

Hyderabad....I hade been to this place almost three years before. I came here after my btech for GRE coaching. Then I came to this city with lots of hopes to fly abraod for higher studies, then nothing seemed to be important for me other than my further studies. Most of my classmates were busy searching for jobs. But for me and Shanti everything was after MS in USA. We were very confident that we wud definitely do well in GRE and get placed in reputed universities. All our future plans were filled with the obsession of going to a phantasy world ....the only pinch that we had was that we wud be missing our parents and friends. Those two and a half months were memorable. Right out of the college days with many aspirations, without any knowlegde of the world around, filled with lot of enthu that made us think that anything is possible, all that we need is grit. Never new that lil bit of fate too is required. Shanti and I planned for many things together, hued our world with
amny colors.....today am again in hyderebad but with a different purpose and with no future plans, no friends around me. Earth is round and the world is small. I keep visiting the same places and same people many a times in my life.





I never thought that I wud be in touch with most of my classmates, but wud miss the ones who are very dear to me. Once friendship used to matter a lot to me but now it just doesnt hold any special place in my day-day life. I meet many people in my dialy life. But none of these hold a lasting realtionship with me. Yeah now I should not expect for any more lasting relationships. Sometimes this makes you feel free or not being (emotionally)dependant on any one. You like to spend time with someone you
just do it and if you dont want them to disturb you, you have your own freedom to enjoy the solitude. Solitude or austerity???? Am I getting confused between these two....cause nothing interests me these days.I love to be alone lost in my thoughts. No brooding over the past, no planning for the future. Zus idly thinking about what you want, without others influence on ur thinking. Or is it that I have become selfish or egocentric? I need some one to share my sorrows, someone to crib about my problems at work, but when it comes to other mattes I want to be alone. How selfish I am? Does everyone feel the same or is it only me thinking that way.

When I came to Hyderabad on my job in the first month I desperately wanted to get married so that I can run away from here, so that I will have some one to crib about my problems. But now I dont find that need. Its not because things at work have changed but it might because I got accustomed to it or is it that I don have enough time to crib about things. For me marriage just seems to be a silly temporary solution for my problems. Once they get solved I no mroe think about it. God...save the poor chap if my perception about marriage remains the same :).....But not in the near future that i want to get married. Probably I need some time to really decide on what 'sharing' means to me. otherwise I wudn't be doing favor neither to me nor the one whom am getting married to.

Little Things...

Life is not always about the people we live with. It has got some more stuff like books, movies, music, memories etc. We tend to be in some one's company, listening to their gibbers. Not many enjoy thier solitude. We keep complaining that life is boring. We think the person next to us is enjoying her/ his life and try to mimic what she/he does. we fail to see what interests us. We do not try to contemplate if that is what we are looking for?

For example, if some one says that they enjoyed thier weekend watching a movie we try to do the same in order to tell some one that I too enjoyed my weekend in doing such-and-such a thing. We try to see happiness from others perspective. We keep listening to others are deaf to what our heart says. In doing so we again get bored soon and start whining about life.





How about introspecting what happiness means to us? How about speculating little things which full fill our lifes? Life is never boring. Its our creativity to make it interesting. When we think with an open mind, things are crystal clear to us and we can enjoy each and every moment of our life. Look at the little things and hail your life with open arms.

Life is an unasnwered question
which do not need any discretion.
Life is a procession of unforeseen changes
Heed to your heart to clear all these hazes.
Life is a track of ups and downs
Life is a path of twists and turns
Do not wail on the past to make it yours.

Passing years...

Its Dec 31st, end of the year 2004. Now am in Orcle India Pvt. Ltd, Hyderabad. Where I was at the begining of the year and where am I now? Hope the same happens with the year 2005...but not the same experience as of Oracle. But a good one....nething would be good when compared to this. I think my life is all about repenting for the mistakes of my fate. Repenting for not goin for higher studies, repenting for quitting Infosys. I dont wanna blame fate alone in this. Yes am not that bold to face life...stand still and fight against the odds and continue pursuing my dreams/ passions/ interests. I satisfy myself blaming my fate. I zus think of coming out the situation that am in but fail to find a solution to solve it.


Last 31 Dec....it was not at all noticeable. I was very busy with work schedule. This time I hav been hearing plans for the new year eve from my collegues/ friends since a week. I hav time, but no one to spend it with. What a pity?!!! In Infy I had many friends but we never used to hav time for ourselves. But here....yeah I hav enuf time for myself...yes only myself. Is that all I wanted? May be...I was so stupid. I was trying to find time but loosing maby friends/ fun. I was looking for a change but I had no idea of this sort of change. I used to think that time is the most valuable thins one can possess in their lives. Bhut therz no use in having it when you don make use of it to hav lasting memorable moments in ur life.

I felt very sick in the afternoon, I zus called up my parents and wanted very badly to go to Madanapalli. Again am zus trying to run away...Again this feeling of loneliness is striking me. What is that I want? Sometimes I like to be all alone lost in my thoughts but sometimes I feel like having someone to share those thoughts with. If independance means being alone so that no one wud interfere in your thoughts and no one would be there to tell you of your thoughts are right or wrong the I don need it.


I get easily irritated for no reason. And I blame someone for that. Come on gimme a break. I shud stop this and start cheering up msyelf. No one could give you happiness/ sorrows, its all in one's perspective of what happiness r sorrow means. May be I haven't yet seen what happiness is exactly about. I get bored of everything n nething very soon. Am lacking interest in most of the things, once books and music were my passion. Nowadays I read books r listen to the music zus to pass the time. Zus to forget my very own existence, so that nothing matters to me. Why is that always I try to ponder on all the negatives things that hav happened in my life. Why cant I be positive, optimistic? God something is really bad with me. Whenever I think of the college days tht I hav spent with Shanthi/ Bindu I miss Shanthi. Why cant I be happy thinking that atleast Bindu is with me? This is a never ending saga....