Hiatus - Year 2005

This year 2005 I could say that my life has been in a hiatus.
Nothing much that I achieved, nothing much that I did, nothing much to write in the diary at the end of the day! I just kept goin on...with the time. There were no major changes in my life...no major plans as such. No special dates to remember. The only best part of the year is that I met my dear buddy Shanti again!

But this pause in my life is in a way good for introspection. I have many things to introspect on. Things that I have learnt, things that I've unlearnt. my commitments, my responisbilities, my reactions, my expectations from life. Things around me pretended to have changed....but it was my attitude towards them that has changed...attitude which was born out of patience or rather I would say endurance. Well, the one thing that I have been thirsty of these many days - "Peace" ultimately has surrendered to me.

- "Life without expectations is quite safe and sober but never intersetng r exciting"

I have been too tired of doing anything...even if it was a weekend I had been lazing at trying to catch up on my sleep or reading books. Its not bcos of laziness but bcos of no interest. Never tried to risk on anything or tried something new. Did not indulge in many parties...missing all the fun. Was not interested in exploring things...I just kept to myself all the time...thinking that I have the royalty of my own solitude. The best times were when I was at home away from office away from the busy world...just mediating on bygones.

All these was quiet comforting but always I had the feeling that I was missing something. Feeling of lacking something that was eating up within me.

- "Look for happiness within you."

Grass is always green on the other side of the mountain, Wherever you go its your attitude that keeps you happy but not the circumstances. Try to look for happiness in you not outside. One cant keep running from the problems, miscomforts, situations, people, and from oneself. As long as you stand still and face the world you could never live in this place of hypocrisy, feign gratitude. Patience and perseverance pays but very late, not when you expect it to but when it has to.

- "Be concerned not worried."

Most of the problems that anyone faces in this world are people itself. Its because we keep thiking all the time what others might think, we keep pleasing our fellow beings, we try to live up to their expectations, we live for others. And we mark ourselves as a failure when we fail to keep up to what other person feels or expects from us. Should we live for ourselves or for the people? Well we need to be concerned about them not worried about them.

- "Forgive people and, Accept them as they are."

When you do not want to live as per the rules or expectations set by others, you too cannot expect them to behave as per you. Everyone is unique in their attitudes and its natural. Give space and time to others, forgive them and accept them as they are. Be open-minded, sportive, easygoing and keep your heart lighter. Take it easy!

- "Always do what makes u feel happy."

Never ever try to stop yourself in doing something that you feel like doing and when your heart says its right. Keep yourself busy in indulging in something of your interest and try to live in the moment and live for the moment. Expect problems as inevitable. Accept life as it comes. Face the truth, the reality!

Do you still have a reason?

Everyone in this world has problems of their own, everyone has something to crib about, something to worry upon. We always have our own good reasons to complain about life. We end up falling into one of the two groups either listening to or imparting these words..."Be Positive". Well..its easier said than done. But this woman Kousalya has proved that nothing is impossible and has redefined the term 'positive'. No ordinary person could be so happy and content when he comes to know that he is living because he is not dying....thats why she is called an extra'ordinary' woman.

Ten years back, Kousalya an ordinary woman was diagnosed as an HIV patient, and was given a time of 2 months to live. At the time she came to know she is HIV positive, she did not even know what it meant. But it has been many years since she is fighting this disease. She has changed herself to a woman whos bold enough to come out into the society, which has stigmatized conceptions of HIV and AIDS patients. She has turned her misfortune as a reason to live, as her purpose of the life. She says -

"I could achieve all this because I was an HIV positive woman. I consider these some of the advantages of being a 'positive' woman! If I were not HIV positive, I would have lived like an ordinary woman in Namakkal!"

She lost her husband, a trcuk dirver who suffered from AIDS. But she says the most sickening thing that happened to her is the pain of betrayal which she cant digest to this day. Her husband knew he was HIV positive when he married Kousalya. In her words she says -

"I couldn't bear the thought of being cheated. More than sad, I was very, very angry," she says. "Even today, the thought of having been cheated is extremely painful to me. I still can't get over it."

But she still wears a smile that hides the valcano of pent-up anger. She says she channelises her anger which gives her lot of energy which she uses in doing better things. Today she is a member of INP Plus (Indian Network for Positive People Plus). INP Plus started a separate wing for women and children, called PWN Plus and Kousalya heads it. She has the courage to fight the virus within her body, the virus thats spread in the minds of people about HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) and AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) across the globe. She has given many international conferences on AIDA awarness. She feels herself as part of PWN. From a timid girl hesitant to speak even in Tamil, she has transformed into a woman who radiates confidence and is quite fluent in English. Today She finds no time for her think about her illness, or the betrayl, being involved in the activities of PWN. And riding her 2-wheeler and painting gives her a way to vent her feelings of misery.

Do we have the courage to face the reality, to fight the society, do we have the guts to deck our face with a beautiful smile accepting the betrayal, are we positive towards life? Do we still have a better reason than death to crib about our lives?

A Friend Like You

To Bindu

When nothing made sense

You were there to boost up my confidence

Without the things being told

You were the one who consoled

Everyone needs a friend like you

Who’s dependable and so true

Through the moments endured

I am so happy that you are there for sure.

Dear Daddy

Everything that happens and
Everything that befalls on us has a meaning
Has a lesson to learn, has a mistake to mend
I know it’s difficult to go through such times of confusion
Times of depression, times of dismay.

With time all things pass
You have endured thousand storms and
This is one of its kind that you can weather with courage
Expect trouble as inevitable part of life
Stay your course and be true, thats what you taught us
Today I repeat these words of comfort to you
And everything shall pass too.

I would fight the fate, I would fight the destiny
For I want you to be the best of you,
You are the one whom we look unto
In all our travails of life, in all our delights of life.

In the book of life every page has two sides: We human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes, and wishes, But Providence writes on the other side, And what it ordains is seldom our goal.

Far Away from Home

Many of us stay away from home/ family…for reasons like studies, career etc. For some it’s bliss and for some it’s a bane. For some it’s an ever-wished dream to enjoy their independence/ freedom without any one to tell you what to do and what not to do. As far as I have seen, many would prefer to live alone away from parents one their own.

Managing everything on your own (Living by yourself)

You are no more under the arena of love/ warmth/ care. You are the master of yourself where you plan your things. This makes you self-sufficient and independent. It builds your character, makes you self confident. It makes you assess ones strength and capabilities. On the contrary one becomes too much selfish, self-centered or in other words feel too much responsible about ourselves, that we don’t seek for others' suggestions in to account. We are kind of feeling better but being isolated, with a care-not attitude.

Neighborhood/ Environment

World is not always the best place. You are not guaranteed to get a good company wherever you go. And even if you plan to ignore the rest and try to live on your own your neighbors could be nosy enough to disturb you, who could sneak your privacy, who could foist their thoughts on you. It’s true that we need to have friends in order to compensate your loneliness but be choosy enough of your friends and beware of those who could sabotage you. Jealousy is one good enemy of a Relationship. Well it’s an attitude of mind, which endows you to survive against all odds. The magic is “Do not expect anything from any relationship, & everything received becomes beautiful, it may be a small courtesy of saying “Hello” from one of your friends! After all it’s your choice to live alone, & there’s a difference in living alone & being lonely!

Freedom

Everyone’s wish/ dream. Staying away from your parents you get utmost independence doing things, which might have gone against your will, due to parental concern, or their being orthodox/conservative. At times you would have limited yourself not in order to forgo your freedom but not to cause any inconvenience to your family/ parents. But now there is no one to put a check on you nor does you need to limit yourself. But it depends on what you choose to be which brings you a rewarding career and a happy life. Freedom doesn’t mean do whatever you feel like doing. You are away from your family but not away from the society/ culture that you are born and brought up. We can live without a family but not without a society. Make use of your intuition, astuteness in enjoying your freedom to make your life beautiful.

Loneliness( Homesickness)

It’s hard to live alone in this world without someone to listen to you, without someone to depend on. You miss all that care/ affection/ togetherness. There are going to be days when you feel totally alone and depressed. You might feel nothing is important other than being in a safe protected shield of care. All that you earn, all the independence you got everything seems to be immaterial when it comes to having someone who would always lookout for you. Don't leave family for the heck of it. Your parents' home is a good place to be. Live alone for the right reasons, if it helps you grow as a person, for your career, for better prospects, not because you want to get away from family…you just need to be with someone. Luxuries, money, confidence and stuff like that are not everything in life. Being with someone with whom you can share your moments; happy or sad, is what all of us should be looking at.

Decisions

You can’t have the luxury of leaving things for someone else in the family to decide on. Its you who need to decide on most of the day-to-day issues. Certainly u learn to grow no matter small or big problems u face in day-to-day life. Though there are possibilities of dilemma existing in the free flow of thoughts, sooner or later we get used to it and are able to take many important decisions of our own or rather due to circumstances of having nobody right away to consult with (keep aside the tele/e-contacts).

On the outline, staying away from home, yes its something one faces some time or the other. Its not about building your character and confidence. It’s not about making your career and making the right move in life. It’s not being self-dependent. It’s not about managing your money wisely. It’s not about missing the luxuries of life. Living alone is not at all adventurous, whatever reasons be.

What's within me?

Dodging with the deadly reality
Truth that no longer I want to see.
Swinging between right and wrong
Why can’t I just forget and get along.
Not understanding what’s within me
I only see what I want to see
Away from this world, away from the risks
Trying to ignore the rest

How will I survive the real world?
For I have locked myself in and thrown away the key
Thinking about life, what it had been, and is going to be
Housing these unnamed feelings within me
Abiding by their rules I walk on my way watching myself wilting

I wish I could feel the sun that clears the mystic clouds of tomorrow
I wish my life were filled with fun and joy as before
I wish I can be the old me, I wish I can be just me
With the vigor that shines bright on me
With the days that make me feel the world is mine

Delete Forever!

Sometimes it seems machines are far better to manage than human beings. They can be easily programmed to remember or destroy something completely from its memory. I saw this button in GMail – “Delete Forever”, they promise you for such a huge storage saying ‘Don't throw anything away’, but in that case why do they need to delete something forever. Why does anyone need to destroy anything completely? You just have to click on this and never could you have the trace of a certain email conversation. You are completely destroying the history of it. Wish the human memory too was that easy to manage. Things you want to reprogram, things you want to refresh from your memory, things you want to erase from the memory. I don’t know the reason why they have put up this but I felt that it would have had more value if I had that facility in my life.



I always believed in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and tracing the logic/ reason behind everything that was going around me. I have always been looking back in time. Thinking about the past, how it was, why it happened and how it happened. Thinking how great were those days of school/ college life. I can pick up anything from my past as if it happened before a day or so. But why don’t I realize that I can never touch them. Why don’t I realize that one can never put our arms around the memories? Why don’t I start to move on and look forward to newer /better things in life. On the path of life we not only hold the past in our heart but also a longing for a better future.

Today I received a mail that reads something like –“ Being in development, but working with the customer base is kind of like living in history! While much of development is working on future releases, those of us working with the customers are working with your past. And part of that history is how we got our processes, how information, bugs, and fixes move between support and development”. Myself being a developer who’s on support, at my work as well I deal with the past. Poor me!!!

Well with the memories that last a lifetime and with the best years of my life I move on!!!

Setting herself free from...

Part I Entrancing
It was a saturday. And it was raining heavily.

School gets over by 3 pm on saturdays and there would be sports classes after that.But cause of rain they were cancelled and they were let to go home. Everyone were happy as the next day would be a sunday. No need to do any homework as you have one long sunday for that! Postponing that task till sunday evening or monday morning!

She wanted to go back home and play around with her friends. Waiting for the rain to calm down so that she can go home. Cursing the rain cause her mother would not allow her to play in the rain. She heard her friends saying that its great getting drenched in the rain but she herself never did that. Her friends too were waiting with her. It was more than a half an hour that they were watching the rain drops dribbling. Parents of few kids came to the school to pick up their children. She knew that her father will not come to pick her up as he works in another town and he himself would have been caught up in the rain.

But she was not thinking of any of these things..she was not even thinking of the games that she would be palying when shez back home...she was not even thinking of her homework...She was ...with one thought..and that was how would it be to get drenched in the rain. Same thought striked her friend too, and finally they decided that they will reach home inspite of the rain. Their intention was not to reach home but to play in the rain. Rain was entrancing her...

First time...showered with the drops of rain...she had nice fun with her friends. It was a great adventurous event for her. They were not worried about the people around them who were running helter-skelter from rain. They were happy that it rained and were hoping for it not to stop till they reach home.

It was the end of such an elated, jubilant journey. She reached home finally. She forgot all about her world and she returned home gleefully. But her mother was not in the same mood. Her mother was schocked to know that she has come home in such a heavy rain. Later that evening the same thing was complained to her father and her father beat her for doing that. But poor SHE...she did not think that getting wet in rain is such a sin and that she would be punished that way for that. She did never think that it would be taken so seriously by her parents. It was like her mother would support her if her father was angry with her and her father would support her if her mother was angry with her. But that day both her father and mother were scolding her. That night she did not have her dinner...she wept to herself and made a promise to her that she would never again get wet in rain.

Things were normal the next day...and the climate too was normal the next day...but for her there was a great change...she never again dared to come home in rain. She started hating rain since then....hatred out of fear...fear of disturbing her mother again...fear of having to face her father's fury...fear of not able to face this from her parents, fear of desolation from them. From school to college, college to the world, in the world as a person staying away from parents, in search of a bright career, she has been hearing from her friends, companions, colleagues...many saying/ talking about rain. She can see the joy in their eyes when it rains...but for her it would remind her of that night where she wept alone. Rainy day would be the worst day for her...it had a very bad psychological effect on her that every rainy day she would feel lonely, dejected and irritated.

Part II Embracing...

It was raining again...she was so busy the whole day but was satisifed that at the end of the day she was done with the work. She can go back home peacefully. But this was not the case with her. Damn thing it was raining...though it was already late she sat back and was waiting for the rain to stop. Finally she decided to go home, thinking that the rain would not stop.

She came out cursing rain...but strangely she was not feeling lonely...her immediate subject matter was to reach hostel as soon as possible. She got into the auto and due to trafiic rules had to get down at a place from where she had to walk down to her hostel. She hurried to cross the road and now she was in the same isolated, most of the times empty lane that she takes everyday back to her hostel. There were few people hurrying to reach their homes, few standing at the bus stop sheltering themselves from the rain.

She suddenly slowed down...she slowed down to walk at a relaxed pace, to stop and look at the hurried world around. To look at inner-self.

She was letting the rain embrace her. Thousands of rain drops kissed her face. Those drops questioning her why she had to hate them for so many years. Why is that she felt lonely when it was raining? Why was it they were looked at with contempt? She veritably has a peaceful comfortable life and like any other human being she should enjoy the rain. Now those rain drops were slapping her face with these questions trying to wake her up. Those rain drops were washing off her hallucinations, wiping of the brinks that she has set to herself.

She was set free...set free from her rules, from her trammels, from her self-effacing, from her timidness, from her limitations, from her oaths to herself. She was set free from the umbrella of that was sheilding her from the love and happiness of the nature to embrace her.

She finally realized that there were no one who could constrain her apart from herself.

As a Teacher to the Last

Morrie Schwartz used to say that he wanted to be remembered as "a teacher to the last."

Morrie worked as a professor for 35 years, teaching sociology to students at Brandeis University. But in the last year of his life, he taught anyone and everyone -- family, friends, colleagues, journalists -- how to live a meaningful life, and how to die with no regrets. After being diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) in the summer of 1994, he decided to make the act of dying another educational opportunity: The living would learn from his experience with death. He belived in the truth,

"once you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

He is best known by the book "Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life's Greatest Lesson" written by one of his former students Mitch Albom. Mitch Albom one of Morries favorite students looses touch with his professor after his graduation. He settles down in his life as sports journalist though he wanted to be a famous musician. And later on he was burried with accomplishments, meeting deadlines at his work.

Albom actually finds out that his old professor is dying when he sees Ted Koppel interviewing Schwartz on "Nightline". Albom bemoans his own life with lines like, "I wrote articles about rich athletes who, for the most part, could not care less for people like me," or "My days were full, yet I remained, much of the time, unsatisfied."

In the process of getting to know himself he regularly meets Morrie on tuesdays.
They used to discuss subjects every tuesdays trying to answer many of the philosophical questions that so many of us ask ourselves (or should be asking ourselves) about life, work, community, relationships, aging, and death. These discussions led to the book "Tuesdays with Morrie", in which Mitch quotes,



"Have you ever really had a teacher? One who saw you as a raw but precious thing, a jewel that, with wisdom, could be polished to a proud shine? If you are lucky enough to find your way to such teachers, you will always find your way back."


If we're all so smart, then why aren't more of us happy? That was a question that Morrie was happy to wrestle with. Happiness, he said, comes from figuring out what gives your life purpose and then devoting yourself with passion to that purpose. For Morrie, that defining passion was teaching. Happiness comes from opening up to people, emotions, and experiences. For Morrie, the key experience was dancing, always dancing. But happiness also comes from knowing and accepting your limitations and imperfections. For Morrie, the key limitation was his body, which grew weaker as ALS limited his ability to walk, to feed himself, to breathe freely.


"Have you found someone to share your heart with? Are you giving to your community? Are you at peace with yourself?" The biggest mistake that most people make, Morrie said, is being shortsighted. "One hundred and ten years from now no one who is here now will be alive," he wrote. "When you look at it that way, you can see how absurd it is that we individualize ourselves with our fences and hoarded possessions."

If the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it. Create your own. Most people can’t do it.
But Morrie did it. Walks with friends, discussions, reading books, Greenhouse activities, visiting coworkers, having contacts with old students, marvelling the nature ...this was part of his culture.

Laugh at yourself, Morrie urged. Forgive yourself for not doing the things that you should have done. He didn't pine for lost youth: "You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you've found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward."

Much of his advice may seem like common sense. Yet people often fail to act on such common sense, Morrie said, because they're either sleepwalking or sprinting their way through life. Dying provides the kind of clarity that people need earlier in life but usually lack, Morrie said. Why not practice that greater awareness in your daily life now? "We're involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going," he wrote. "So we don't get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing? ... Dying is only one thing to be sad over.... Living unhappily is something else."



To me books have been my best teachers, "Tuesdays with Morrie" being one among them. This article is almost a translation to the one published in Eenadu paper as a tribute on Teachers Day: Sep 5, Page 4
Also thanks to few of my friends who have been obliquely teachers to me.

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."

DBNJ

I got up at 6 in the morning not waiting for the alarm to wake me up. It was much awaited sunday! I have been looking for this day. I was very eager to visit this place, DBNJ. A place for street kids...where they are sheltered and educated. I was very proud that I have adopted a child and now that I was going to visit those kids personally. But it was not too long that I had to belittle myself. There were so many people who contributed to such a noble cause. Not alone me! There were many who also personally helped or involved in such projects. I was just nothing and the help that I did was just a monetary help. I felt that there was no reason for me to be so proud of what I did. Many a times I just have this feeling that I have done a great job. But was I able to really help a kid? Was I able to personally help an orphan kid. Those kids there, do not know who were their parents. All that they remember is the railway station that they were brought up.

The kids there were very friendly and discplined. Though they did not know me they wished me with a smile. Each smile told me that you could have done more or you could do more. The moment I leave that place they would forget me. Can I do more to have an attachement with them? How would they feel to know that theres really some good friend whom they could count on! Someone who visits them quite often? I remember those days of my childhood where we used to be joyous on knowing that some relative is gonna visit us!

Am a good thinker but not an implementor. Thatswhere one is differentiated from others. Evryone can think but only few can achive/ implement what they think/ dream.

Books are tragically isolating???

From an article posted on The NewYorker: Crititcs:

Reading books chronically understimulates the senses. Unlike the longstanding tradition of gameplaying—which engages the child in a vivid, three-dimensional world filled with moving images and musical sound-scapes, navigated and controlled with complex muscular movements—books are simply a barren string of words on the page...

Books are also tragically isolating. While games have for many years engaged the young in complex social relationships with their peers, building and exploring worlds together, books force the child to sequester him or herself in a quiet space, shut off from interaction with other children. . . .
But perhaps the most dangerous property of these books is the fact that they follow a fixed linear path. You can’t control their narratives in any fashion—you simply sit back and have the story dictated to you. . . . This risks instilling a general passivity in our children, making them feel as though they’re powerless to change their circumstances. Reading is not an active, participatory process; it’s a submissive one.

Not sure how far the above statements are true or logical! From my expericence of reading books,

I started this habit of reading books right from my childhood. Fairy tales were the ones that used to interest me most. Later on Sherlock Holmes. I used to feel as though I have solved the riddle/ mystery at the end of the book. And now my interests range from fiction, history, literature, to philosophy etc. I am not quite particular about the category of the book. Its in these books that I search for an answer to most of my questions. Its true that I have learned from books. But as said above it made me lil passive to the circumstances around me. In accepting the things around me as they are. True that they made me aloof to all the people around me. I became quite a boring person with a book most of the times in my hand, to those who once said that its great to spend time with me. I stopped thinking practically, imagining that the world would be so perfect as said/ narrated in books. I was getting upset on the minutest odditites. But its again these books and insight of few of my friends, that made me realize this. On top of this its just the "Time" and the "Circumstances" that ignites the spark of realization.

Well nothing could ever harm you without your consent! Its finally "U" who has to decide. Rest of it is all a way to blame our inabilities on others/ other things.

Happy Birthday Harshitha!!!

It has been exactly an year since I started blogging!

I used to read Rediff Diary column before getting into this world of blogging. Was well impressed with them and wanted to write one, on Rediff Diary section. Though I wrote one I did not post it on Rediff Diary column.

I have the habit of writing diary and I enjoy doing that. But never knew that theres something called 'Blog' which would amuse me more than just writing the diary and keeping it to myself. Inspite of my busy shcedule I used to pull out time for my blog over the weekends.

When I first came to know about blogging I browsed thro few blogs but wasn't sure how to start it! On what topic to write? And one of my friends suggested to write on the very universal topic "Love".



And so Love - this is my first post on my blog with the url http://harshitha.blogspot.com. When I had to create a blog account I was thinking for a name and Hasya and Harshitha were the two names that were shortlisted from my list of favorite names( ofcourse apart from my name). Finally choose Harshitha. It was impromptu in choosing the name. But today Harshitha holds a different place in my life. Its not just a name.

In the begining I thought after a while I would loose interest in blogging as I get bored of anything very soon. But to my surprise am still blogging! This has been one of my most valued posessions and would be. As this is more of my reflections than just being a General Blog!

If U know her dreams...

Original link to my art: If You Know Her Dreams..

Lines from a song:

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment’s gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind.
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

[Now] Don’t hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won’t another minute buy.

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind.

My Dwelling Built on a Lake of Memories!

After a long time I got a leave for 3 days plus 2 days of weekend to go home, to my hometown Madanapalli. We have been living here since 1999. Though its not our native place am more attached to this place now. Whenever I go home it greets me with those old sweet memories of college days.

We shifted to this place for my graduation. This being a rural area I did not prefer to settle here then. I hated this place for the narrow minded and mean people there. But with time this has got to be one of most loving places. Not because its a beautiful place, but because I have seen the beauty of life here. Apart from this, the place has got a good climate as its on the foot of hill resort The Horsley Hills. Therez much to staying in such rural areas when compared to cities.

Since my childhood I had never studied in the same school for more than 2 years. I kept changing my schools for every 2 years as Dad had transfers. Though I had many friends couldn't keep the contacts for a long. My graduation is the time where I was with my friends for 4 years and we still continue to be friends. Its the time where I enjoyed to the fullest. Though we used to give a 'sincere students' impression to others I can say we have seen all the enjoyments of college life. Bunking classes, commenting on lecturers and guys, calling them by the nick names we have given to them, chitchatting most of the times in canteen, watching movies on the first day release, giving wrong calls,....

Those good old days!!! Am reminded of all these whenever I go to my hometown. Now that am working and had to behave more matured, more professional I just look back for those days. With time I feel as though am loosing all the "fun" in my life. There are many things that I wanna do but either my decency or the environment that I live now doesn't let me do so. Those few years glided in a wee. Whenever I think of Madanapalli the first thing I remember is our trio (Shanti, Bindu and I ) rather than my parents. We three made this place a "Shangri-la" for three of us.

If time permits I would love to spend last days of my life here in this place - My Dwelling Built on a Lake of Memories!

Does He Deserve?

She has never seen her father trying to be obliged and never wanted to see that. Since her childhood she has seen her father as a person with great commitment, loyalty, sincerity and honesty. Cause of his honesty he earned good number of enemies at work place. But none of them could flinch him from doin what he wanted to do or what he is supposed to do. For her, her father is a hero. She used to fill "your favorite hero:" with "My father" in the autographs books.

Cause he is the only man she has seen in real life who struggled since his childhood to be in a position which he had never dreamt of. Who is so determined about what he wants. Who is as strong as he could be and who is as soft as he could be. She always has high reagards for her father and wanted everyone to regard him the same way. In the same way she wanted her father to be proud of her. The only next man she would see in her life would be her better-half her husband. But she was not aware that her father has to be so obliged in order to find that man in her life.

She couldn't see her father who lived as a king, who's respected, who's esteemed being so submissive. Its time for her father to search for a man and to get her married to the right man. Being a typical South Indian family person he has to be so down-to-earth when dealing with supposed to be her daughter's could-be would-be's family. Inspite of many changes over the generations nothing has changed when it comes to the matter of south indian families. No matter what he is, when it comes to being a father of a daughter he is already labelled as a looser. He has to loose his duaghter, his pride, his ego.
For all the affection, protection that he gives what is that he gets in return? Just more demands, more obligations, more stingers. Does he deserve all these?






Indian marriages are the best!
But all the fun is only in/after the marriage. But all the drama before the marriage is a big fool's game where always the looser is the father of a duaghter. Would she allow this to continue? Would she allow this to happen to her or her father? Is there a way for her to put all this to an end?

Desire

"An emperor was coming out of his palace for his morning walk when he met a beggar.He asked the beggar, "What do you want?"

The beggar laughed and said, "You are asking me as though you can fulfil my desire!"

The King was offended. He said, "Of course I can fulfil your desire.What is it? Just tell me."

And the beggar said, "Think twice before you promise anything." The beggar was no ordinary beggar, he was the emperor's past life master. He had promised in that life, "I will come and try to wake you in your next life. This life you have missed but I will come again." But the King had forgotten completely- who remembers past lives? So he insisted, "I will fulfil anything you ask. I am a very powerful emperor, what can you possibly desire that I can not give to you?

The beggar said, "It is a very simple desire. You see this begging bowl? Can you fill it with something?"

The emperor said, "Of course!" He called one of his viziers and told him, "Fill this man's begging bowl with money." The vizier went and got some money and poured it in to the bowl, and it disappeared. And he poured more and more, and the moment he would pour it, it would disappear. And the begging bowl remained always empty.

The whole palace gathered. By and by the rumour went throughout the whole capital, and a huge crowd gathered. The prestige of the emperor was at stake. He said to his viziers, "If the whole kingdom is lost, I am ready to lose it, but I cannot be defeated by this beggar."

Diamonds and pearls and emeralds, his treasures were becoming empty. The begging bowl seemed to be bottomless. Everything that was put in to it- everything! - immediately disappeared, went out of existence. Finally it was the evening, and the people were standing there in utter silence. The King dropped at the feet of the beggar and admitted his defeat. He said, "Just tell me one thing. You are victorious- but before you leave, just fulfil my curiosity. What is the begging bowl made of?"

The beggar laughed and said, "It is made up of the human mind. There is no secret. It is simply made up of human desire."

This understanding transforms life. Go in to one desire- what is the mechanism of it? First there is great excitement, great thrill, adventure. You feel a great kick. Something is going to happen, you are on the verge of it. And then you have the car, you have the yacht, you have the woman, and suddenly all is meaningless again.

What happens? Your mind has dematerialised it. The car is standing in the drive, but there is no excitement any more. The excitement was only in getting it. You became so drunk with the desire that you forgot your inner nothingness. Now the desire is fulfilled, the car in thedrive, the woman in your life, the money in your bank account- again excitement disappears. Again the emptiness is there, ready to eat you up. Again you have to create another desire to escape this yawning abyss.

That's how one moves from one desire to another desire. That's how one remains a beggar. Your whole life proves it again and again- every desire frustrates. And when the goal is achieved, you will need another desire.

The day you understand that desire as such is going to fail comes the turning point in your life.

The other journey is inwards. Move inwards, come back home "

In school days the desire of standing first in the class so that you would get what your parents have promised to buy for you at the end of the academic year, the desire of having the best collection of dolls when compared to ur close pal, desire of playing with friends without any timelimit, desire of travelling on school trips, desire for dance, desire of spending summer holidays with ur relatives.

In college days the desire of standing first in the class not for what your parents have promised to you, but with the intention of standing apart from the rest/ average, desire of having as many friends as you can have, desire of being boss of the show, desire of having your wardrobe up to date, desire for dance/ music, desire for higher studies abroad, desire of dreamin to be The Best, The Perfect, The Successful one day, desire of travelling beyond the horizons.

In professional life, the desire to learn so as to stand the competition, desire for recognition, desire to show your parents/ friends your success, desire for owning a library, desire for owning a sweet little home, a car, a sweet family, and to bee too greedy company(ies) of my own, desire of travelling abroad( especially europian countries) not on work but as a pleasure trip, desire of having 'just' enough money to spend lavishly without the question of savings, desire of travelling on water, desire of being a free bird with no one to impose rules on you.



These have been some of my desires till now. My desires have not changed cos I got bored of them or the desire has been fulfilled. Some of my desires are left as I cudn't achieve them or I did not have time for them. Some of them to be frank, I got bored of them. There is nothing that I cherished for a long time. I get bored of anything and everything so soon. That is why I do not have any long-term plans as who knows what would be my desire tomorrow. I am not able to predict myself. Am neither happy nor sad for achieving/ not achieving these desires. As with time the excitment dematerializes or disappears.
But the only thing that keeps me going is just me, my world. World with no future plans, world with no responsibilties, no priorities, no regrets, no rules. World with simple joys. But still working on a desire that would keep your excitment for a lifetime.

Mother

You were there as a teacher to correct me
But I detested you for pointing out my mistakes
You were there as a guide to warn me
But I hated you for showing me the right way
You were there as a friend to advise me
But I ignored you for telling me what I need to know
You were there as a mother to protect me
But I despised you for being possesive about me

Though it took time to understand your love
am happy finally that you forgave us.
I know theres nothing in this world
as great as your forgiveness, as pure as your love for us.
I owe my life to all the pain and perseverance
you have taken to see us as ur reflections.

I hope you will be there with me in most
of the best and happiest moments in my life
Cos I see my success through your eyes.
I hope you will be there with me for the rest of my life
Cos I seek my happiness from you.

I love you "Ma".

A Special Day

There were many mails floating today saying that today is gonna be a special day, 05-05-2005 and watch out for the time 5:05 pm, this day come once in a life time.

What is a special day?
Why should it be only once in a life time? Ofcourse the answer to this question depends on the answer to previous question.

To me every day is a special day, as long as am contended with what I did that day. After all what else is required in one's life when you end your day with a smile, with a feeling of satisfaction, with a feeling of knowing that you were able to spend atleast one day in your life doing what you wanted instead of listening to others. Spending one day without the tensions of tomorrow nor the worries of y'day. Just living for the moment. Is all this not enough to call it a special day?




How many of us really enjoy our freedom? How many of us do not worry about the future or do not brood over the past? We keep struggling our whole life with so many
promises to keep, many commitments, many decisions to take. Life is too short to do
many things but not too short to stop for a moment to know where you are or what you want? I see many of my friends discussing their problems with me. But to be frank they dont seem to be problems at all to me. Not becos they are not my problems but cos most of them are temporary or very silly. One is worried about his career, one is worried about not having a GF, one is worried about salary, one is worried about boredom in life, one is worried about his guiltiness, one is worried about a way to cover his lies. Is this all life is?

From one of the forwards I got - 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. Live life as it comes, live it as if you are gonna die tomorrow and everyday would be a special day.

Who ever lives in their own world is mad

An excerpt from one of the novels that I read,

"A powerful wizard, who wanted to destroy an entire kingdom, placed a magic potion in the well from which all the inhabitants drank whoevr drank that water would go mad.

The following morning, the whole population drank from the well and they all went mad, apart from the king and his family, who had a well set aside for them alone, and which the magician had not managed to poison. The king was worried ad tired to control the population by issuing a series of edicts governing serenity and public health. The policeman and the inspector, however, had also drunk the poisened water and they thought the king's decsions were absurd and resolved to take no notice of them.

When the inhabitants of the kingdom heard these decress, they became convinced that the King had gone mad and was now giving nonsensical orders. They marched on the castle and called for his abdication.

In despair, the king prepared to stpe down from the throne, but the queen stopped him, saying 'let us go and drink from the communal well. Then, we will be the same as them'.

And that was what they did. The King and the Queen drank the water of madness and immeditealy began talking nonsense. Their subjects repented at once, now that the King was displaying such wisdom, why not allow him to continue ruling the country?

The country continued to live in peace, allthough its inhabitants behaved very differently from those of its neighbours. And the king was able to gover until the end of his days."


The person who's right is just the person who's strongest.

Whoever lives in their own world is considered to be mad or wiered. We restrain ourselves from doing many things as it is not considered to be good/ decent with respect to others or society. Do we live for others? If you do not listen to what others say you are labeled as snobbish. If you do something out of the routine norms set, you are labeled abnormal.

Our lives are governed more by Conformism.
It has been a natural evolution principle to accept what majority believes to be good. We do not use our knack to know if its good for us or not. We would never be independant. Without our knowledge our lives are guided by the principles and norms set by someone else.

No two minds think alike, but how is it that all of us should follow the same rules, or behave the same? Everyone would have their own perception of what life is, what is good and what is bad. As long as you opinion doesn't harm anyone I dont think there is a need to listen to what others say or what others label you as. If I say life is not all about working 8 hrs a day, spending rest of the time with your family/ for your family. If I say life is living to fulfill a passion/ dream which would never come true, but still living with a hope till the end, they laugh at me and say you are mad. If I say happiness is being a free bird without any responsibilities, without any relations/ bondings to worry/ care/ account for they say am an escapist.



One can never be opinionated in this world of madness. Eventually we end uo drinking the poisioned
water from the well so that you are the same as others.

To be an Unknown

How do you feel when you think all of a sudden you have come to a place which is not meant to be, being lost, wondering
why the hell one had to come here? As if you have come to a deserted island, an alien place, where you know no one
nor does any one knows you. Wondering how long it would take to establish your own identity, getting to know others
and letting others know you, letting go old friends with the past. And suddenly on the verge of no hope things change,
and you are poured with too many friends, with many people around you, who recognize you as a friend giving an identity.
And there it starts again, endless chatting with them, parties, movies, trips etc etc. I dont think I can handle too much of anything at a time.

Am the one who's not open to changes. It takes time for me to get accustomed to any change. But ironically change is
the only thing that doesn't change in my life. Changes noticeable, changes un-noticeable. Changes pleasant, changes
that are not pleasant. Changes expected, changes un-expected.



I like to live without an identity whos presence/ absence doesn't make much difference, not being worried about what
others have to think about me. Strange or wiered but I don wanna be noticed. Not able to trace out the reason for my
wiered behaviour, not eager to know as well, cos am happy this way! But again am blessed( obliged) with many people
around me who bother to think about me as a matter of subject for their discussions. Why cant people leave one alone?
I wonder how they have time to think about other's or other's life?

I read this somewhere - people who watch TV news or gossip a lot are the most unhappy people. They do this so that
they can satisfy themselves thinking that their problems are nothing in front of the disasters that happen in daily life some
where in the corner of the world. They talk/ discuss others not out of the interest in the person but cos of the hidden hatred/ jealousy.

Is a woman vulnerable?

This question has been troubling me since I started reading the book ‘Ladies Coupe`’ by Anita Nair. She tries to answer few of the questions that every woman would have faced in her life, but fails in doing so. This novel is good in answering the question ‘Is a woman vulnerable?’ rather than ‘Can a woman stay single and live happily?’. She narrates stories of six women who are very much different in their age, social status etc but all being Indian women. But I think a woman’s life is the same wherever (across the world) you go… a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a wife. She is the same ..compassionate, caring, affectionate, at the same time she is mighty, vindictive, erosive.

I liked one of the characters comparing herself (a woman) to ‘water’. Water – one among the five elements that constitute life. Water that moistens. Water that heals. Water that comforts. Water that flows tirelessly. Water that also destroys. Capable of dissolving just about anything which as mere water, it wouldn’t even dare to aspire to. Raging with a vehemence that could burn and destroy poisons that if allowed to remain, would kill that was natural and good.



Protagonist Akhila in this novel tries to seek an answer for her question from the stories of other women. I basically did not like this character Akhila, who is a mere hypocrite, an insane person who thinks that she can share her sorrows/ intrigues with co-passengers who are women like her. How could some one else solve your problem of life? If it was that simple to get answers to your questions from other’s lives why would this world still have many problems? After all are the problems of two women the same?

The only two characters I liked are Prabha Devi and Margarette.

Prabha Devi a woman who doesn’t go by the norms set by men. A woman who has her own opinions and plans for her life. A woman who does some thing out of routine to make her life interesting. Who likes to be the way she is. Who is completely assured of who she is, who knows what she wants and who knows what she doesn’t like. A woman who is confident and content with what she is.

Margarette, a chemistry lecturer who tolerates all the contempt from the most loved husband and finally decides to be evasive to him in order to touch and shake his self-esteem the very foundation of his being. She knows how to come over the male egoism.
I liked her theory of comparing people to chemicals – arsenic, bromine, lithium, cobalt, tetrasulphur tetranide, nitrous oxide and finally hydrogen sulphur.

Bromine – Heavy, volatile, not very active by herself, but united readily with others.
Lithium – Light and slivery, dazzling everyone with smile and charm.
Cobalt – Evil spirit. Hard and brittle.
Tetrasulphur Tetranide – The trickiest. Trusted aide, changes its color with the room temperature.
Nitrous oxide - Laughing gas. Droll and funny.
Arsenic – Poisoner of minds
Hydrogen Sulphur – King of chemicals. Given to extremes.

You ought to read the novel to understand how she compares her colleagues with these chemicals.

All the six characters in this novel have had their mother’s influence in the way they were brought up. Their mother saying how she should be like a daughter, like a wife, like a sister, like a mother. But none of them tell them how to be like a woman, a woman with her own identity. I owe a lot to my mother for this. She did never teach me all these. She taught me how to be independent. How to be successful. How to be unvanquished. My Dad’s affection makes me a child but my mother made me a woman. To me, my mother and grand-mother are role models. They did never impose any restrictions on me and they did never forget to let me know if there was something that I should know.

I am not

I am not in a hurry to see you
      I know U wud come to me oneday
I am not sorry that 'I miss U'
      I know U wud be with me everyday
I am not in a worry that I might lose you
      I know U wud never leave me anyday
I am not afraid that U might overlook me
      I know U wud not make me a stray
I am not in a hunch that is this wait worth
      I know U wud make me fortunate without any dismay

Ego

Ego...like many other emotions, within us which we do not realize. Its a very mystic feeling that can strike anyone and ruin them to any extent. This feeling of mine 'Ego' has been a very gud friend of mine rather I would say I hav been a very gud friend of it. I never used to allow anyone to damage my Ego. I have been cherishing this feeling of mine, giving it different names.....bluntness, self-esteem, audacity and what not? I did neither care for my parents nor my close pals as long as I was with my Ego. I wud prefer hurting myself but not my ego. Thanks to my family and friends to brook my eccentricities.

Anybody who tries to inflict my ego was my enemy. I was never a happy-heart with many grudges within me, with so much of loathing that was mysteriously making me loose my friends, who were supposed to have been my gud friends forever. That proves again that none other than family members could bear other's oddities. I was insecure whenever I used to rake on these old issues without thinking about what's going wrong with in me. As somebody said 'the mind can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven'.


I hated myself when I had to put down my ego aside to say 'sorry' to someone, albiet theres no mistake on my side. But what did I loose saying so? Let me too quench some one else's thirst for ego. I pity that person who's still ignorant to realize her/ his own feeling of 'ego', whos got the royalty of getting a sorry from me. But I no more repent or feel sorry for this. I care a darn for it. I do not atone any more, as long as it makes me feel lighter and happier. I never knew that its this easy to be a happier, mightier heart.




To many am a big fool who thinks beyond the boundaries lost in a fairyland. But I am my own role model who inspires me along my path of life. Again this is not any sort of vanity. Its zus a way of introspecting me, myself and my world. I no longer hold any contempts, I am no longer snobbish, but all that I am is with a more contended heart that sans hatred. Hmm...cheers to me!!!

The Pain of a Lost Friendship . . .

The pain of a lost friendship eats at your soul, nags at your heart
You try to black everything out but it tears you apart
You try to shove it in the back of your mind, never to be revealed
But everything reminds you of your best friend that suddenly disappeared
It hurts to think of the times the two of you had shared
Like days when all you seemed to do was care
Tears are your constant companions that you try to fight on the outside
But the constant pain of missing them is always on the inside
Don't ever let true friendship go
Let it flourish, let it grow
Then maybe you'll never have to feel
The things that I have written here . . .

Author : Unknown

Courtesy :4minutesperday



I felt each and every word in this poem very true. There could be many reasons for loosing a friend. And if its a true friendship
every one who lost their friend would feel the pain. Have you ever tried to reach her/ him and apolize for whatever has happened, albiet the mistake is not on our side? If so have you got ur friendship back? Come on... then you gotta cheer up for being such a lucky person.

Hyderabad blues...

Hyderabad....I hade been to this place almost three years before. I came here after my btech for GRE coaching. Then I came to this city with lots of hopes to fly abraod for higher studies, then nothing seemed to be important for me other than my further studies. Most of my classmates were busy searching for jobs. But for me and Shanti everything was after MS in USA. We were very confident that we wud definitely do well in GRE and get placed in reputed universities. All our future plans were filled with the obsession of going to a phantasy world ....the only pinch that we had was that we wud be missing our parents and friends. Those two and a half months were memorable. Right out of the college days with many aspirations, without any knowlegde of the world around, filled with lot of enthu that made us think that anything is possible, all that we need is grit. Never new that lil bit of fate too is required. Shanti and I planned for many things together, hued our world with
amny colors.....today am again in hyderebad but with a different purpose and with no future plans, no friends around me. Earth is round and the world is small. I keep visiting the same places and same people many a times in my life.





I never thought that I wud be in touch with most of my classmates, but wud miss the ones who are very dear to me. Once friendship used to matter a lot to me but now it just doesnt hold any special place in my day-day life. I meet many people in my dialy life. But none of these hold a lasting realtionship with me. Yeah now I should not expect for any more lasting relationships. Sometimes this makes you feel free or not being (emotionally)dependant on any one. You like to spend time with someone you
just do it and if you dont want them to disturb you, you have your own freedom to enjoy the solitude. Solitude or austerity???? Am I getting confused between these two....cause nothing interests me these days.I love to be alone lost in my thoughts. No brooding over the past, no planning for the future. Zus idly thinking about what you want, without others influence on ur thinking. Or is it that I have become selfish or egocentric? I need some one to share my sorrows, someone to crib about my problems at work, but when it comes to other mattes I want to be alone. How selfish I am? Does everyone feel the same or is it only me thinking that way.

When I came to Hyderabad on my job in the first month I desperately wanted to get married so that I can run away from here, so that I will have some one to crib about my problems. But now I dont find that need. Its not because things at work have changed but it might because I got accustomed to it or is it that I don have enough time to crib about things. For me marriage just seems to be a silly temporary solution for my problems. Once they get solved I no mroe think about it. God...save the poor chap if my perception about marriage remains the same :).....But not in the near future that i want to get married. Probably I need some time to really decide on what 'sharing' means to me. otherwise I wudn't be doing favor neither to me nor the one whom am getting married to.

Little Things...

Life is not always about the people we live with. It has got some more stuff like books, movies, music, memories etc. We tend to be in some one's company, listening to their gibbers. Not many enjoy thier solitude. We keep complaining that life is boring. We think the person next to us is enjoying her/ his life and try to mimic what she/he does. we fail to see what interests us. We do not try to contemplate if that is what we are looking for?

For example, if some one says that they enjoyed thier weekend watching a movie we try to do the same in order to tell some one that I too enjoyed my weekend in doing such-and-such a thing. We try to see happiness from others perspective. We keep listening to others are deaf to what our heart says. In doing so we again get bored soon and start whining about life.





How about introspecting what happiness means to us? How about speculating little things which full fill our lifes? Life is never boring. Its our creativity to make it interesting. When we think with an open mind, things are crystal clear to us and we can enjoy each and every moment of our life. Look at the little things and hail your life with open arms.

Life is an unasnwered question
which do not need any discretion.
Life is a procession of unforeseen changes
Heed to your heart to clear all these hazes.
Life is a track of ups and downs
Life is a path of twists and turns
Do not wail on the past to make it yours.

Passing years...

Its Dec 31st, end of the year 2004. Now am in Orcle India Pvt. Ltd, Hyderabad. Where I was at the begining of the year and where am I now? Hope the same happens with the year 2005...but not the same experience as of Oracle. But a good one....nething would be good when compared to this. I think my life is all about repenting for the mistakes of my fate. Repenting for not goin for higher studies, repenting for quitting Infosys. I dont wanna blame fate alone in this. Yes am not that bold to face life...stand still and fight against the odds and continue pursuing my dreams/ passions/ interests. I satisfy myself blaming my fate. I zus think of coming out the situation that am in but fail to find a solution to solve it.


Last 31 Dec....it was not at all noticeable. I was very busy with work schedule. This time I hav been hearing plans for the new year eve from my collegues/ friends since a week. I hav time, but no one to spend it with. What a pity?!!! In Infy I had many friends but we never used to hav time for ourselves. But here....yeah I hav enuf time for myself...yes only myself. Is that all I wanted? May be...I was so stupid. I was trying to find time but loosing maby friends/ fun. I was looking for a change but I had no idea of this sort of change. I used to think that time is the most valuable thins one can possess in their lives. Bhut therz no use in having it when you don make use of it to hav lasting memorable moments in ur life.

I felt very sick in the afternoon, I zus called up my parents and wanted very badly to go to Madanapalli. Again am zus trying to run away...Again this feeling of loneliness is striking me. What is that I want? Sometimes I like to be all alone lost in my thoughts but sometimes I feel like having someone to share those thoughts with. If independance means being alone so that no one wud interfere in your thoughts and no one would be there to tell you of your thoughts are right or wrong the I don need it.


I get easily irritated for no reason. And I blame someone for that. Come on gimme a break. I shud stop this and start cheering up msyelf. No one could give you happiness/ sorrows, its all in one's perspective of what happiness r sorrow means. May be I haven't yet seen what happiness is exactly about. I get bored of everything n nething very soon. Am lacking interest in most of the things, once books and music were my passion. Nowadays I read books r listen to the music zus to pass the time. Zus to forget my very own existence, so that nothing matters to me. Why is that always I try to ponder on all the negatives things that hav happened in my life. Why cant I be positive, optimistic? God something is really bad with me. Whenever I think of the college days tht I hav spent with Shanthi/ Bindu I miss Shanthi. Why cant I be happy thinking that atleast Bindu is with me? This is a never ending saga....