Monday, May 21, 2012
What Did I Miss?
I was just away for a week from my routine life and what did I miss? Absolutely nothing! Well I was away for my own marriage. A life changing event that is supposed to be. I thought so much would change when am back. So much would have happened when am gone. I expected my life to change drastically...but right now, my life is same as what it was before with Vinod back in Mumbai. As still and steady as before. Work is the same. People are the same. Life is still the same. May be I would start seeing changes when we start living together. People think there are changes in me...but let them fantasize with that idea. And they look at me differently, expecting a change, yet I don't see the change! Or like everything else in my life, me being a slow reactor it might take some more time or not! So right now am a married woman yet as free as a single can be. How I look at myself is as a person who is in a long distance uncommitted(?) relationship.
What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.
Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.
As always, stupid me over-thinking!
What I dearly missed though, all these days are a small(?) part of my routine life - books, movies and TV series. Lexie dying in Grey's Anatomy, Bernadette and Wolowitz's sweet little romantic wedding on rooftop that was on Google Earth.
Really? Is this what I miss? Was my life before so shallow? But honestly I was so happy without any attachments or expectations. Life was so easy, smooth and comfortable. So planned. Everything was so perfectly in my control. But now! I am afraid am going back to those depths of insanity again...expecting, depending, missing. I hope not. I am strong. I am sane. I am fine.
As always, stupid me over-thinking!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Marriage? Men? Culture?
I fail to understand! Is it only in India or is it only with men or is it really the case with marriage. I was in a meeting today among all men and in a discussion they concluded that "I don't care!", now that am getting married. How can I not care about my job? Does marriage really take away rest of your life? If so, then why should it be only with women why not men? What makes them think that only they can get married and still get on with rest of their life, like job, friends, fun, parties and etc?! Why can't women do the same? I wonder if this is how marriage is perceived across the world or it is just these stereotyped Indian men who think so or who want the women to be so.
How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream. I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.
How I can love someone without losing My Self?
How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream. I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.
How I can love someone without losing My Self?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Drafts
I wanted to make an entry on this blog on March 11th the day I officially committed to share my life with Vinod, but thought otherwise as I had so much to write and did not know how to say all that. And two more entries for the movie "A Separation" and the book " Before I go To Sleep". Like always say, someday!
Sunday, April 08, 2012
Aesthesia
She was panting...fighting for breath. But still she could not stop. She has to run. She has to reach on time. Every time she looked at her watch she felt it was lying to her. Last time she looked at it, it said 9 AM, and now it was 9:12 AM. She has been running for the last 12 minutes and yet she was no nearer to her destination. She had a sharp quick pang of fear. She was sweating. She wanted to run fast but time was running faster than her. She had to be at the place in 3 minutes. Doubts clouded her mind. What if she cannot make it to it? No! That cannot happen. For some reason she was forced to be at the place, though she was not able to remember what the reason was. All she knew was to keep running and to reach the place before 9:15, as if it was a matter of life and death.
She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.
It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.
She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.
She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.
Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!
She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.
It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.
She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.
She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.
Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
For The One In My Life
Been happy, been sad and boy have I grown
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again
You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around
Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again
You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around
Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Work In Progress - Words That Matter
Jay typed those two words and hit send; "Sure Diana". He had come back from a late night party and could not fall asleep. He surfed through TV channels and nothing caught his interest. He got on the internet to check his emails that needed his response. When he was almost done at the end of half an hour, he saw little window popping up at the corner of his laptop screen that said,"You've got 1 new message". Diana had replied to his email that he sent in the morning, now. She wanted to meet him. It was routine for him. His reportees asking for meetings. These meetings were very revealing for him. Most of these people were very different from their usual, inside his office. As if his office had the comfort of a couch in a therapist's room. Or that he had the knack of letting other person open up to him and speak out their minds/ hearts. Or may be its his delightful smile that changed things around. He too believed that he could make anyone talk to him, at ease, till he met Diana. He hit send without much thought, but later he thought why would Diana want to meet him. He tried hard to remember their last meeting.
He hated their first meeting in his office. He wanted that meeting to never happen. That meeting was forced on to him. But when Diana came in his office, for a moment he felt otherwise. He wanted to welcome her into the team, yet Diana's coldness in their first meeting brought in the mean streak in him. Unlike others she looked snobby to him, and too proud to acknowledge that she needed any help. One way to get to him was to let him know that one was in need of help. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. But, Diana looked so self-contained and arrogant, that he felt nothing but to hate her guts. He was always miles away from arrogance. And to shove away Diana or her arrogance, he had to be cranky and derogatory to her. Right after their meeting with Diana that day, he felt both guilt and gloat.
And today, he was curious why Diana wanted to meet him. She never came to him in spite of all the hardships he gave her. She seem to have survived well in the new team. Then what was it now that she wanted to talk to him? He flirted with the idea that she might after all has given up, faltered and failed at something that she needed his help now. And that thought made him concerned about her for a second. But his sleep overtook and swallowed all of his thoughts into void leaving Diana at no mercy.
---------***********************************-------------
People around Diana always said that things came to Diana very easily. As if everything was planned and all she had to do was be there at the right place in right time. That is because she never told anyone how tough it was to her to even reach that RIGHT place. She hated people who attributed something to luck and not in their own abilities. Right from her childhood everyone around her thought she has a luck streak that she does not have to work hard for anything. Even her own parents thought that she is taken care of, and that she *needed* nothing. Diana many a times wanted to fail miserably that she could seek help. She could seek shelter. She wanted people to see that she too is vulnerable. But her self-respect told her otherwise. And she sometimes hated herself for being so strong. For being so shielded that she missed being taken care of.
She wondered what Jay thought about her? Did he also think she is already privileged and so the inefficient employee like Mark *needed* his support and not Diana? Is he also one among those who cared for second-handers and under-performers? Ethan's words came back to her, and she thought she should suspend all her thoughts till she met Jay. She got herself busy with work that she almost forgot about the meeting when Jay came to her desk to remind her of the meeting.
'That is a good sign', She thought; Jay reminding her of the meeting. After all those two words that he sent last night were not something that he typed in his sleep and totally forgot about it.
She followed him into his office....
He hated their first meeting in his office. He wanted that meeting to never happen. That meeting was forced on to him. But when Diana came in his office, for a moment he felt otherwise. He wanted to welcome her into the team, yet Diana's coldness in their first meeting brought in the mean streak in him. Unlike others she looked snobby to him, and too proud to acknowledge that she needed any help. One way to get to him was to let him know that one was in need of help. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. But, Diana looked so self-contained and arrogant, that he felt nothing but to hate her guts. He was always miles away from arrogance. And to shove away Diana or her arrogance, he had to be cranky and derogatory to her. Right after their meeting with Diana that day, he felt both guilt and gloat.
And today, he was curious why Diana wanted to meet him. She never came to him in spite of all the hardships he gave her. She seem to have survived well in the new team. Then what was it now that she wanted to talk to him? He flirted with the idea that she might after all has given up, faltered and failed at something that she needed his help now. And that thought made him concerned about her for a second. But his sleep overtook and swallowed all of his thoughts into void leaving Diana at no mercy.
---------***********************************-------------
People around Diana always said that things came to Diana very easily. As if everything was planned and all she had to do was be there at the right place in right time. That is because she never told anyone how tough it was to her to even reach that RIGHT place. She hated people who attributed something to luck and not in their own abilities. Right from her childhood everyone around her thought she has a luck streak that she does not have to work hard for anything. Even her own parents thought that she is taken care of, and that she *needed* nothing. Diana many a times wanted to fail miserably that she could seek help. She could seek shelter. She wanted people to see that she too is vulnerable. But her self-respect told her otherwise. And she sometimes hated herself for being so strong. For being so shielded that she missed being taken care of.
She wondered what Jay thought about her? Did he also think she is already privileged and so the inefficient employee like Mark *needed* his support and not Diana? Is he also one among those who cared for second-handers and under-performers? Ethan's words came back to her, and she thought she should suspend all her thoughts till she met Jay. She got herself busy with work that she almost forgot about the meeting when Jay came to her desk to remind her of the meeting.
'That is a good sign', She thought; Jay reminding her of the meeting. After all those two words that he sent last night were not something that he typed in his sleep and totally forgot about it.
She followed him into his office....
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wait Til You See My Smile
When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show
When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show
People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Hey
So you're doin' better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need em'
Cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever
Sing
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show
When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show
People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Hey
So you're doin' better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need em'
Cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever
Sing
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Monday, March 19, 2012
Choice or Chance
In hindsight my life seems to be a series of chances than choices. First thing I ever dreamt of in my life was studying abroad, and that did not happen. So many things, they just happen. Not by my conscious choice but sudden and impulsive. The jobs that I chose, the offers that I accepted, friends and so on. What is it that one counts on when they take such decisions? Intuition? Or these decisions influenced by the gyan given by others?
Not that I have regrets but it looks like I have never really taken any risks in my life. I let things happen. In their course of time and place. There were situations where my carelessness or lack of respect to my own well being costed me enough depression or whatever. But no matter what was happening in my life there was one thing that I did justice to in my life. Not to my family, not to my friends and not even to me. It was and is my work.
Today, I felt so happy for being back at work. The entire weekend I wanted so badly for Monday to come. I think this is my place of retreat. Work always helped me recover. Always. May be that is the only place where I know what I am doing and I do know the outcome as well. Only place am really appreciated for my abilities(?). Only place I have friends where in the "distance" does not come into picture. Only place where I can be ME. Only place where I can forget the rest of the world and just do what I want or like to do. It sounds so depressing to write or admit that my workplace is my other home.
I have been so happy and used to my single life, that constant family ties are bothering me. Especially these elders. I do respect them for their age, apart from that all of them have failed miserably in my judgment. I may sound the same to my next generation but I know better not to indulge in such trivialities. Right now I hate everyone around me. I just hate them. No hate is not the right word. I am just surprised at their stupidity. And what worries me the most is that someday am going to end up like them; God Forbid!
There! Let out!
Not that I have regrets but it looks like I have never really taken any risks in my life. I let things happen. In their course of time and place. There were situations where my carelessness or lack of respect to my own well being costed me enough depression or whatever. But no matter what was happening in my life there was one thing that I did justice to in my life. Not to my family, not to my friends and not even to me. It was and is my work.
Today, I felt so happy for being back at work. The entire weekend I wanted so badly for Monday to come. I think this is my place of retreat. Work always helped me recover. Always. May be that is the only place where I know what I am doing and I do know the outcome as well. Only place am really appreciated for my abilities(?). Only place I have friends where in the "distance" does not come into picture. Only place where I can be ME. Only place where I can forget the rest of the world and just do what I want or like to do. It sounds so depressing to write or admit that my workplace is my other home.
I have been so happy and used to my single life, that constant family ties are bothering me. Especially these elders. I do respect them for their age, apart from that all of them have failed miserably in my judgment. I may sound the same to my next generation but I know better not to indulge in such trivialities. Right now I hate everyone around me. I just hate them. No hate is not the right word. I am just surprised at their stupidity. And what worries me the most is that someday am going to end up like them; God Forbid!
There! Let out!
Friday, March 16, 2012
I Don't Know
Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.
It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants!
May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life. Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.
It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants!
May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life. Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
I Cannot Die Washing Up A Tea Cup
I do not call myself a feminist, but I try to watch every movie that is made on women. Watched this movie "The Iron Lady", one cause its a movie based on a woman and two cause one of my favorite actress Meryl Streep got an Oscar for the Best Actress. I did not so much like Margaret Thatcher as such. Whatever she is or she was I did not like the way she declared war against Argentina. May be I did not read it right from the movie, blame the director!
What caught was this one line - "I cannot die washing up a tea cup", when Denis proposes her. She says, "I will never be one of those women Denis - who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One's life must matter. Beyond all the cleaning, cooking and the children, one's life must matter more than that.".
I want to be more than a daughter, a wife, or a mother. Will I be? Have I already past the age where I could be more than all of these? Have I missed that chance already? Would my life matter? I seriously seriously want to write a book someday. One thing I want to do before I die. I want to be something, someone - important. Not just to my family and friends but to the world. Hope me being ambitious does not affect my life in a bad way. Likewise, hope my ambitions do not die off in the mist of family responsibilities.
I cannot blame this major change in my life - marriage; for being skeptical about my dreams. Cause apart from getting a comfortable life and a successful career I have not done anything great or exciting so far in my single life either. Why? Fear of what lies at the end of the road? Fear of moving out of comfort zone?
Lately, am taking good enough risks. House. Marriage. I learnt dance just cause I love dancing but never thought of performing on stage and coming Monday am performing for the third time in my life ( yeah if you consider those school day dance shows :-P ). May be someday I will have enough courage to publish my own book. Someday!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Deadlines
I love deadlines. They kinda give an adrenaline rush. They push me. They challenge me. People sometimes call me "Time Table", "Scheduler" blah blah. But I like being on time. I like setting targets and aiming for them. Even if the target is for watching all the latest movies or finishing all those pending books lying around on the table for months now.
So I bought these 5 new books and seriously doubt if I can finish all of them in this year. I have got a list of movies to watch. Even the TV series that I watch regularly, and which I wait eagerly every week, are pending. I have so many arrangements to do for the upcoming events in my life, I have so many things to take care of, yet am just sitting idle doing nothing. I am not doing anything at all. I don't like this change in me. I don't like being a lazy ass. I don't like me now. Oh yeah, one thing am doing is thinking. I cannot stop myself from this. Just thoughts without actions is a torture. And to add to all of these my aerobics instructor is also on leave. The same fever seem to have caught her too.
I want a break. I really want to run-away, hide myself somewhere for a while in silence. And this is something that I can never muster enough courage to do. But someday! I will have my own retreat which I can escape to. For now, this is my plan for escape - all those TV series and movies.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Roller Coaster Ride
I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.
Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.
Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!
Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!
Friday, February 24, 2012
State Of Affairs
Looking back sometimes I think reading Ayn Rand is a mistake. I hated my work environment, second-handers, hypocrites around me. This created lot of stress in both my professional and personal life. It took me a long time to start ignoring stuff.
But time and again these things get to my notice and I just have to vent it out. At office, I seriously do not understand how people survive. Seriously. Ideal office is where everyone works. Now it is so hard to see people who even respect their job, who even acknowledge they are being paid by the company and that they have an obligation to work for the company. Yet, few think that their job is surviving cause of them which in fact is the other way. They say work is only a part of life. Of course but isn't your job which is giving you the life that you have?
I really hate people who dodge from their work, who are insincere. And there is another category where in the person does not have the very basic requirement that is needed to run their job. Say, being organized is an important requirement for a job like Admin assistant, and the irony is this person survives for exactly being so unorganized. How? It is a big question to me. Likewise I know of many positions at my office and I keep wondering how they survive.
And well, flirting seems to be a good soft skill to acquire. Oh yes. Being blunt, open and honest is no good. You give a little importance to these people and they start to drool all over. May be this IS needed for them in order to survive. Survive their otherwise useless lives.
How much people seek acceptance from others? Aren't families and friends in our lives not for this reason? Why romance with your acquaintances? And I am pretty sure that last thing on these people's mind is friendship. And all these people I am talking about are married men/ women. I really pity their spouses.
And why do I get to see all these? I don't know! And why do I get to hear all this? I don't know! All I can say is these people make it so obvious that it is next to impossible to not notice the state of affairs. And believe me it looks ugly.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Falling In Love
I don't know why I thought I would never fall in love. I don't know why I thought love cannot happen in case of arranged marriages. Because am contradicting myself. Am falling in love. With a stranger I met exactly 10 days back. A stranger with whom I would be sharing the rest of my life. Magic does happen when you let it happen to you. I thought I could not respect this person, could not love him passionately enough. But every time I talk to him I feel small. Small in terms of age. I am growing younger with each talk. I feel like a child. Protected. Adored. I never knew I would like the idea of someone owning me.
On one side I hate myself for being this girl who is all fluttery about love, marriage blah blah. On one side I like the silly me. For once I would like to let my hairs down and enjoy being stupid, gooey. I hope to have my feet firm on the ground so that I don't fall flat on my face. Even if I fall I know there is someone to catch me ;-)
Monday, February 20, 2012
Men
How much you are judged when you are a woman? When you are someone's wife? All that you are as an independent woman is gone in a whiff? Would men ever change? Why do they give all that attention to some girl who is single even though they themselves are married and why do they suddenly change their care or attention when you are no more a single? Why do they think they do not need to be nice to you anymore? As if they get nothing being nice to you suddenly? What was it that they were expecting before and what is it now that has changed? Am glad that their intentions are revealed so easily. Now I get to know what kind of men they really are. And am happy to know who really are my good friends.
Am really really greatful to all those people who still give me the same importance, same treatment, same concern, care and attention and who are really helping me through the wavering moods and haunting doubts. Thank you Ankit Singh, thank you Deepesh E. Am still the same person to these people. Am a friend in need to these people. Before my work ( and of course after, now a new addition my better half ) guess my friends are the most important aspect of my life. More than my family. Not an exaggeration, being an elder one at home am the one who give my parents the support that they need and I seek it from my friends. I have written so many posts about friends and I will continue writing more on them cause they never disappoint me in the journey of my life.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close
Movie based on the novel that goes by the same name, author - Jonathan Safran Foer. I never read any of his books. This movie got 6.4 rating on IMDB. But I gave it a 7. Read few reviews online before watching the movie. Most of them were negative saying that movie is a cheap trick cashing on 9/11 aftermath. What caught me are the words "in search of a lock for a mysterious key" in the movie synopsis. May be I am a sentimental fool that I like this movie.
It indeed gets sleazy at times. But that is the way I look at emotions. They make you so vulnerable. You are not what you are when these emotions shadow you. Anyways, this is not a movie review, is it? I like the boy and his childhood for believing in things. For his never relenting search. For his love. For his fallacies of not being able to pick up his Dad's last call, and hiding his Dad's last messages from his mother.
I love the way he uses few metaphors. For example, correlating his denial of not being able to let go his Dad, he says - "If the sun were to explode, you wouldn’t even know about it for 8 minutes. Because that’s how long it takes for light to travel to us. For 8 minutes, the world would still be bright, and it would still feel warm. It was a year since my dad died and I could feel my eight minutes with him were running out".
I think I would have loved the book more than movie. But I watched the movie before reading the book. I gotta order this book.
Life is harsh, mean, and so unfair. Yet, living it is worth. Life is an oxymoron in itself. Yet life must go on! It's been a long long time I have been so philosophical.
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