An Year Or Less

Travelling with family( Vinod, Leo and Me) for the first time. And driving. Got to be exciting. I did not believe that this would really materialize till now, though we have been planning this for a long long time now. Tomorrow we are driving to Coorg. And plan to spend all the 5 days over there in absolute laziness. And ofcourse celebrating our first anniversary. Oh yeah its already an year. Or an year or less?

 I have been putting off my travels plans to bucket list. But why wait till the time when I am ready to kick the bucket and have no energy to actually do stuff? There really is no point in saving, and living a routine life doing the same thing everyday. We do need such trips.

Starting our journey with Coorg...lets see how it goes!

PS: May be I will start writing on my travelling experience too. May be!

 

Unfair

Here I am with around 10 years of experience, using a blogger to vent out my frustrations. I guess today's "Gen Y" janta would have twittered or facebooked or do they really have bothered about a thing in the world?

I see freshers today, and if I look back at myself when I was a fresher I see a hell lot of difference in attitude. We were so hard-working, willing to learn, explore, ambitious, and what not! Full of adrenaline to take on the world! But this person is so bindaas to say. Why? Cause nowadays its so easy to get a job? Just pass with minimum grades, and boom you are in a top MNC with a handsome package, which they have no clue of how to use or even spend. Or has the recruitment process gone so wrong that you see the college s/he comes from, hire these herd of sheeps blindly?

I think people should be tested for their focus, commitment and most importantly keeping their feathery brains in the job. For an example, I know a person to whom javascript is the only universal language, and all he is good at is patch work. If you ask him to put a teeny weeny logic(business use case) in there, boy this where his talent of escapism comes into picture. This person thinks he is so smart and that he is too good to be working on a technology of his current project. So why the hell are you here? Get lost and find a job that suits you. Why lurk around and be a burden to the rest? My question - how do these people even enjoy the salary that they get every month?

Especially this week, I have to juggle between a job, training, sick dog with almost everyday visits to Vet, and my so called personal life. When I look at these people who are supposed to be  "team members", who does not even care to attend a meeting, forget doing their job, it just feels so unfair. And I really hate them when they think everybody except them are fools, that they can lie and get away with anything. Seriously?

Well, what am I angry at? At myself? At this person? At the entire system? Or simply the irony of being the Gen X?

Best Birthday Gift Ever!

Got this as one of my last Birthday Gifts. From Leo. You can see his foot print, he signed it! Well this was one of your best gestures that I fell flat for you Vinnu

What is my EQ?

I have yelled at people. Big time. Family members, friends and even people at work. At work although it was not actually yelling but arguing logically in a raised voice. Till it happened to me I did not realize how bad it felt. Being yelled at. That too a person from work? On what earth does he even think he has that edge on me to yell at me? School was the only place I got yelled at. As far as I remember.

In normal cases my reaction is anger. I get angry, I yell back and the chain continues. But why the hell did I cry? I never cry in front of others( unless they are close to me). I did not realize the tears till the other person started consoling me. Gawd, am losing my composure, my strength. Is this me?

Anyways, lessons to learn. Yelling at people is bad. There is nothing that cannot be done with a sweet talk. With a pleasant smile and kind words. I should really admire people whom I yelled at in the past and who still put up with me. I do admire them whole-hearted today. I really do. Wish there was a way to tell them so[ May be they don't even remember. So why bother is what my wicked side says!].

From internet on why people cry?

We have tear ducts to lubricate and protect our eyes from dust and other particles.

The ducts are under the upper eyelids and produce a salty liquid—a tear-–-that gets

spread throughout the eye after each blink. Animals too have the ability to produce

tears, but not necessarily for the same reasons that we humans produce them.

Three types of tears are generated by the human eye. Basal tears protect the eye and keep

it moist. Reflex tears flush out the eye when it becomes irritated. And emotional tears

flow in response to sadness, distress, or physical pain.

Studies have shown that emotional tears contain more manganese, an element that affects

temperament, and more prolactin, a hormone that regulates milk production. Sobbing out

manganese and prolactin is thought to relieve tension by balancing the body’s stress

levels and eliminating build ups of the chemicals, making the crier feel better.

But this minor physiological benefit aside, the most likely reason we produce emotional

tears is because it’s a means of communication. Before babies can speak, they can cry.

The only way for infants to express frustration, pain, fear, or need is to cry. Adults

may use crying to bond with other humans. Expressing sadness can prompt comfort and

support from peers. Different languages can provide barriers to spoken communication,

but emotions are universal. There are also culturally acceptable reasons for crying

that bring people together, such as at funerals or weddings.

It can also be a survival mechanism, notes Jodi DeLuca, PhD, a neuropsychologist at

Tampa General Hospital in Florida. ''When you cry," she says, "it's a signal you need

to address something." Among other things, it may mean you are frustrated, overwhelmed

or even just trying to get someone's attention, which DeLuca and other researchers call

a ''secondary gain'' cry.

On top of that, crying may have a biochemical purpose. It's believed to release stress

hormones or toxins from the body, says Lauren Bylsma, a PhD student at the University

of South Florida in Tampa, who has focused on crying in her research.

Lastly, crying has a purely social function, Bylsma says. It often wins support from

those who watch you cry. Sometimes, crying may be manipulative -- a way to get what

you want, whether you're asking a friend to go shopping with you, your spouse to

agree to a luxurious vacation, or your child to get their math homework done.

Locked Up

I am not lost, I am home in a 3 BHK apartment which is MINE. All MINE.

I am not all alone, I have a pet for my company. A pet that sleeps all the time due to the medication that he is on. Who is bored of me, he is more excited when the maid or some stranger is at the door rather when I am home from work.

I am not bored. I have other animate things ...television, a laptop, and a mobile, for an occasional laugh, talk. Or for whiling away my time...but for how long?

I am not scared, as its not dark or silent in here. Thanks for all the noises I hear around all the time, to keep me awake. Firstly, thanks cause these are not the noises in my mind...rather by the workers in other apartments busy with their jobs. I wish I had such a job that makes noise to tell me that am still alive. That am awake and not sleeping. Actually, my dreams are more action filled than my days alone at home. Wish I could be drugged like my dog and sleep all the time.

I don't feel trapped or choking. I always wanted this freedom, time, all for myself. But now I wonder what to do with all this, all by myself?

I am not sad or depressed. I am very hopeful. How much I wish for my phone to ring, or for a ping or a calling bell. But even when they do, is it for real and forever? At the end of it all, I am back to me, myself and Leo.

On the verge to insanity...Leo and I are desperately waiting for you to come home...Vinnu

PS: No more WFHs. As always work is something that comes to my rescue in need.

Chocolate Cake Recipe

Got this from one of my friends at work...


Ingredients:

• 1.5 cups of all purpose floar( Maida)
• 1 cup of powdered sugar
• 2 tea spoons of baking powder
• 1 cup of drinking chocolate powder
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup of curdled milk
• 2 tea spoons of vanilla essence
• 200 gms of melted butter

Preparation:

1. Mix first 4 ingredients and keep them aside
2. Bring milk to medium heat and add vinegar or lemon juice. Once the water separates from milk cool it off and keep it aside
3. Beat eggs, vanilla essence, butter and milk together
4. Add the floar mix gardually and make a paste
5. Grease the pan and pour this mix into it
6. Use auto-cook menu for Chocolate cake or use Cook + Bake Combination at 110 c.

Multiplying Happiness

Some one today, when I wished them happy weekend replied back saying "multiply your happiness". I did not know what he meant, but usually they mean kids when they say that. Being a mother is something that I always wanted to be. My strong maternal instincts is what pushed me to get a pet. But lately I have been thinking that I have built too many boundaries around me without my knowledge. For almost an year we did not travel anywhere cause of my pet.

He is like a kid who constantly needs my attention, care and most importantly my time. He at times becomes too much for me. All these days I was able to manage him cause of my Mom. But NOW, I do not think I can manage all of this AND my job the same time.

I seriously think and have been hearing from people that kids may multiply your happiness but they also divide it, not both operations by the same amount though. I was in an illusion that am a good multi-tasker, but not really. I can only focus on one thing at a time. And when am on something am 200% on it that rest of the world seems oblivion to me. And kids into my life? Wow, the thought scares me! I used to love kids, but unruly kids just irritate me. Now I do not even touch those mean little things. I should be the meanest person to say this, I know ;-(.

Its not even an year and everyone around me is expecting the next big thing to happen to me. Why are all of them always on deadlines? I know the biological clock is ticking, but why should life be on a run?  We both surely have a long way to reach there. I wonder how people are having their second kids and all.

I just need a breather, I just need to ease off from these expectations, peer-pressure, milestones and what not. I want to be just happy, not happiness multi-fold. I am already feeling old. I want to be young talking absolute nonsense, irresponsible and dreamy, lost in a world of imagination than reality.

Demeanor

Should your behavior change based on situations, environment, people? Or you should be the same person with your so called attitude everywhere you go no matter what the situation is? Obviously no one is same as they used to be in their childhood. I am not the same person I used to be few years back forget childhood days. So why do people forget demeanor is an important aspect of how much they are respected or admired for?

"Don't confuse my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU"
 
Situation 1 - I was with a friend A of mine in a common meeting. And this person A is not from engineering background. But whenever there is a question or competition A was participating 100% and was bent upon winning the chocolate. It did not matter to A how big or small the gift was. It did not matter if A's answers were right or way too stupid. All that mattered was the chocolate. That is how a kid behaves. And I find it quite amusing. Being a kid, with no inhibitions, I think in situations like this is a good to have behavior.  In the same situation I did not care for those chocolate nor did I care to compete. I wrote the answers and I had 99% of them correct but did not try to show it off. Why? Probably I thought chocolate is not a big enough thing to win or I cared less. At times I fall short of few things and this was one.

Situation 2 - I was talking about FUN at work with my college friends. And one of them is managing a team, and she old me that fun means different things to different people. FUN at work is mainly meant for team building activity and not to entertain and keep the engineers rejuvenated. If given a chance each individual would like to get rejuvenated in their own way with their own preferred set of people( or family). I was on an outing the other day and I totally do not get why people force me to do something which I am scared of or which I do not want to do it. Is that fun to me? These people have no special bonding with me other than hi-bye relationship, but in the outing they behave as though am their best buddy and they want me to go with them. Why? Are they guilty of doing something themselves? Or are they scared themselves and want people like them also to be on board? I seriously think going to places like Wonder La with scary rides is not a good idea for a team fun. How should one behave in such situations? Should one be a team player and go on rides that scare the life out of them? Should one just stick to what suits them best? If the answer is former, why should one suffer their opinion of FUN for the sake of team? If the answer is later how do you enjoy events like those?

Situation 3 - My friend in the above situation manages a team which has good number of women. She said, "I do not want women in my team to be a source of entertainment for the rest, and as a manager I need to take care of those subtle team dynamics". Dictating how women in her team should behave in front of  rest of the team is part of her job? I do not know. I know that my friend has right intentions, being a conservative lady. And I do believe there SHOULD be limitations on women's behavior but each individual is responsible and be sensible of their own behaviors than someone telling them.

I guess mostly Women always face more of these behavioral questions than men. Somehow what a man does, gets unnoticed. But what a woman does becomes talk of the town. Till the narrow minds of men change there are going to be comments on how a woman behaves in public or socially, from the same men who enjoy the jolly good times in their company. Such hypocrites they are! So I guess my friend is right that one should guard themselves and not be a source of gossip or entertainment.

Women - the days that Gandhi dreamt of have not come yet in India. So be on check, be on guard and be protective of yourselves. Happy Women's Day!

Boredom as a Motivator?

Q: What motivates me?
A: Boredom

I have been less passionate than I used to be. At work, personal life or many other things. And I was thinking why? The answer is - busy. I have been so busy for an almost an year that I have little time to think. In the past, I did something new, or something drastic only when I was bored to death. From things like cooking a new recipe to learning difficult language like Japanese. I did all these things cause I had plenty of time, and that I was basically bored with life :-P.


Especially at work too. In my first job I was on bench( or jobless) for a week and that is when I took up this course( learn perl in 5 days ) and ironically PERL coding has become my major skill. I constantly have this urge to learn. Learn new things. Be it coding, be it in arts or be it entirely a new skill that I just want to try my hands on. So I guess ( boredom + student in me ) are biggest motivations.

I figured this after I had my mid-year career discussion with my Boss. I could not have possibly given him these reasons, even if I figured them earlier. All other reasons that we discussed today - like, perks, recognition, challenges, collaboration are really nice corporate terms. These are really not motivators, but the outcomes of a job well done. What really triggers a person, is I guess different from person to person, or the same - TIME?

Hell with others, but to me I need more pep talks. I need to talk. I need people around me with whom I can discuss possibilities. All I hear from office colleagues is about impossibilities or their personal stuff. And at home, I have not enough time to even discuss the basic things that are needed to run a family. Where did all the time go? Where are 24 hrs in a day? Marriage, Sis's marriage, Leo's health, my health, house...can I ask for my life to be a little less eventful?

I have to be a time table again. I need to count each hour, I need to find that lost TIME, I need to BE.

Love Is In The Air

Your heart flutters. Your head spins. You go dizzy. Only thing you can see is his face and only thing you can hear is your name from his mouth. You are spell bound under his magic that sweeps you off the ground.

                   This is what I learnt from all the romantic novels, movies. Things that happen to you when you meet "The One", for the first time. Did I spend my whole life looking for these signs? God no! I met Vinod exactly an year back on this day and none of this happened to me.

All that I felt on that day was - Comfort. I was in absolute ease with myself in his presence. May be I(my heart) already knew. Yeah being filmy again. All the questions I had, just ran out of the back door of my mind. It was as if we knew each other( well again, not from past lifes, like they say in the books/ movies :-p). Its just a feeling of familiarity.
                                   
                                     I never believed in that Love just happens in an instance. It grows on you. I am sure you would not have started loving your own sibling on day one. I remember hating my siblings till I was...ummm,  well old enough to get out of college. I wanted to be the only one to my parents. I hated sharing everything with them. I wanted the entire world I knew just to myself. I still don't understand when I started liking them and caring for them. I still don't know if I do it cause of the same genes in our blood or cause of having lived together for many years. Actually we started caring for each other only when we started living away from home, from each other.

                                                                                         Coming to romantic love that happens between opposite sex, especially in arranged marriages - I think people try to adjust, compromise, sacrifice to stay together, not out of love but cause of the promises made. Be it to each other, to the family, to the society. As if it is a bond never to be broken, if broken they are shunned by everyone around them. Few eventually give up trying to keep the promises and few succumb. To talk about love marriages - they are no different from arranged marriages. The story just begins a bit early, that is the only difference.

I am neither a modern nor a traditional woman.  At times I am so dumb that I cry while watching a romantic movie and at times I am as adamant that I can drive people around me crazy, that they start to hate me( not for a long time though ;-) ). Amidst my wavering personalities,  I do stand firmly on few  - "Sacrifice" should never be the pretext to love. Respect is an important aspect of a healthy relation and Comfort is the most important factor. And the rest will flow...in time, with time.

It's Valentines Week and Love is everywhere. Looking back this time last year, I attended one of my colleague kids birthday party. I went alone to that event and for the first time I did not wanted to be a bachelor anymore and I too wanted to go with someone. And since then I have never been alone and thanks to Vinod for that, for coming into my life.

The Little People

I love movies. Movie - a story told, a thought conveyed,  in the most imaginative and beautiful form. I really appreciate the detail, the effort, the team work, and man power that goes into movie making. And top of that the investment made in it. An art of collective minds - direction, script, music etc.

Why do people just cant simply enjoy a movie? Why don't they just see it as a source of entertainment? I have seen movies that bore you to death to movies that keep my interest no matter how many times I watch them. Some times I wonder how could they make such master pieces. Sometimes when I watch a boring movie I just see it as a poor art.

But banning a movie cause of religion? People are ok if a female is shown half naked dancing to an item number among hundred men, in a country that respects the women most. People are ok with movies made on cheating, adultery, theft and so on., calling them sizzlers, thrillers. People are ok with movies that pollute our morals, values, traditions but they have a problem with a movie made on terrorism! Such hypocrites.

Kamal Hasan is a great artist and a good human being. He is a risk-taking versatile actor. He is wise, reads a lot of books and he has a sense of humor. I watched one of his interviews with IIM Mumbai an year ago and he sure is a legend. I was not a great fan of his before, but now I am. Just because I do not want those cheap buggers to corner Kamal and make him the one - the victim. They should be in the minority not people like Kamal. Do they even know that half of his name "Hassan" is a muslim prophet name and that Kamal's father took this name from one of his friend out of sheer friendship?

He should be commended for taking a risk to make this movie Vishwaroopam on terrorism which really is needed to let at least the young crowd know ( I guess the most easy way to reach young generation is through movies). They SHOULD know the darker sides. They should know to respect and love ones country. I am not a great patriot nor am a fan of collectivism. But for good things, the more the better.

Remember When ( From Up Movie )

Curious Me

I am always thinking. Constantly. No matter what I am doing I keep thinking about something in the back of my mind. This was once a reason for my sleeplessness. Thank God, at least all the day-thinking makes me tired that I get good sleep nowadays.

I see a stranger on the road, I try to guess his age, his marital status, his profession, number of kids if married, and I even go to an extent of taking guesses on what kind of person s/he might be. My obsession pushes me to extremes where in I strike a conversation with a complete stranger just to know where I stand with my guessing. Of course I am not blunt in asking them direct questions. But most of the people give away lot of information. Few including my husband find it irritating when I am constantly questioning, wondering, or even observing. But it is not that I am pre-occupied or absent minded or lost, this activity just happens in the background, sometimes without even my consent.

For example, I visit a bank, I make a conversation with the banker, and you know what he sends me greetings for every festival/ holiday. But what's wrong in that? It actually makes me not stand in queue on a Saturday, or get things done just by a phone call not needing me to visit the bank and at times he even acts as my financial adviser telling me tips on FD's, e-RD's etc. I just became one of their priority customers, only cause of my curiosity not cause of my bank balance for sure( since the EMIs).

On the other day my husband and I visited this *local* Electronics shop, and the shopkeeper's daughter studying 8th at XYZ school in ABC Layout, was also there. How did I know where and what she is studying? Again, my curious mind that wants to talk, ask and know. What did I get? Probably nothing in this case. But another guess that the shopkeeper is doing well to have his both kids studying at XYZ school. A local shop that is. Most of the times I see him sitting idle doing no business, but I was wrong. Likewise vegetables vendor, car cleaner, a co-worker, and so on.

I do not know why I do that, nor do I know what I am trying to solve. But the theme seems to be people, people's lives. How they live, survive, succeed or fail. I sweep through this heap of data to find a story behind every person. May be constantly reassuring myself that one CAN SURVIVE no matter what. Or am I comparing my life to theirs? I hope not.

Many say that I am a good listener. Not because they are interesting or they are telling me an interesting story, but cause I simply find it interesting to know everybody or anybody. To analyze ( to use the right word ) them. To reason. Psychology or Philosophy, or simply an obsession. I just love doing this.

The Year That Was

2012. Per numerology, 2+0+1+2 which adds up to 5,  has always been my lucky number.

I was trying to remember and compare my life to what was before 2012 and surprisingly I could not remember much. I am pretty sure I have had many great memories, learning's, feel good moments before 2012 but all of that seems like a distant dream which I can only recollect vaguely. Many say they would want to go back in time to relive the same moments or go back and change few things in their lives. But I never felt that no matter what the situation was. I believed and still believe that everything that happens to us was or is for a reason. In the past I worried too much about what the reason was though. Now I know that the reason is, all these make you what you are.

I spent whole of my school/ college life in nothing but studies. Yeah it brings me smile looking back at myself in those days - stupid, innocent, bookish girl who believed in believing and thought belief is enough to rule the world!

And my first five years of career life, in being the son of the family! Shouldering responsibilities, and all that crap. Those were the years when I got the shock of my life on my opinion of the world. Making new friends apart from the college buddies, living on my own, alone out in a BIG SUPERFICIAL world!

Depression, pessimism were my best friends during these times and well, it brings me smile again looking back at this girl - cause today, I cannot believe that it was me back then. Stupidity is one thing that still kept clinging on to me.

2011 was a real game changer. Optimism, boldness, and taking risks. I started believing in things again. This year was the most productive year for me - it brought a lot of good things out of me; and into my life.

And 2012, feels like it was too short. It feels like I met this person Vinod, just day before yesterday and got married to him yesterday. Honestly. It just flew. There were no great learning's this year though, cause am still learning to live a married life. It really has taken a lot of my time :-P. Somehow, 2012 has thrown a blanket over all those years prior to it. I am no more a skeptical, pessimistic, angry young woman[ha ha ha].

Life may always not be great like TV ads say, but it is worth living.  What you make out of your life is what you want from it. Anyways, this gyan was already given by great people but below list is my favorite that worked best for me, and I strongly believe in,

- No one can help you best but you
- To love someone, you need to love yourself first.
- Almost everything is possible if you try
- With time EVERYTHING will change, there is no forever, so just chill and do not get stuck
- Health is Wealth
- Fun, an important recipe for a happy contented life. There is no point in being a grown up if you do not know how to be a child
- Have a clean conscience. Recipe for a peaceful life.

Wishing everyone the best of the days for 2013 and many more joyous years to come - Happy New Year 2013. 

Feeling Blue

I have been postponing penning this down since past few months, thinking that its just a passing cloud and I would feel better. Well, here I am - exhausted, helpless, lonely, sad and what not! This all might be the drugs flooding my blood talking! Who knows!

I am a person who believes in prevention is better than cure, but somehow I just could not stop myself from falling ill. I know what makes me sick, I pretty clearly know when am going to fall ill, yet, I push myself with stupid positivity which helps none and get myself into this deep gloomy state where I feel so worthless, powerless.

I remember making a resolution to have my health as top priority and I remember succeeding in that. But what happened to me now? Back to where I was before I took this resolution. Why? Cause I get carried away! I think, Oh! all is so rosy and sunny and so is my health. I just cannot take this one thing for granted. And I hate to be on check all the time. Why cant I just be like any other normal person and stop being a patient?

I have been sick before, and this year I was ill for 3 months at a stretch. Yet right now, I feel so tired of being ill. I want to give up on all the medicines, treatments and stop fighting my illness. I know I should not let my physical condition affect me emotionally or mentally. But its happening. Where did my boldness go? Where did my fighting spirit go?

Right now I cannot even yell. Only connection I have with my husband is through phone and with my voice that is interred by a swollen throat I cannot even communicate with any living being on earth( including my pet Leo). I always think I am so independent and I can survive alone, but if my MOM wasn't here last few days I have no idea what would have happened to me. How much our lives are dependent on others! Now I understand why people get married, why one cannot live alone and why everyone needs someone. And dependency makes us weak, and well, so does a bad health like mine.

What the hell! All I should think of now is ice creams, sizzle dazzle brownies, lots of tasty yummy sweets...when will I get better?

The Lords

I am not sure if it is in India or everywhere around the world, but why do people who own even a inch of land behave like Lords? Since my childhood I lived in both own and rented houses but I see this behavior more in Bangalore and especially in HSR Layout where every other person is a filthy rich real estate guy owning huge bunglows and probably many other plots/ houses which of course are his property by dadagiri or by cheating.

As landlords my parents were very considerate and accommodating to tenants. They never did show any pride. Lived in Jubilee Hills in Hyderabad( which compared to HSR Layout is far better a place), but people were hardly seen, except for the dog in the house or the watchman. And if you are lucky, you see someone, a celebrity. And they do not mind to say a hi or throw a smile at you. But in HSR Layout, you own 1 sq.ft of land and they behave like they own the entire Layout if not the state Karnataka.

The way they treat tenants is as if we are living on their mercy and we have no place to go on this earth. Heloo..we ARE the ones who are paying thousands of rupees as rent which is not any less than the monthly EMIs if one bought a house. They ask 11 months advance and one can only imagine the drama they do to return it back, probably they might be crying over a pillow. And there are no rules on increasing the rents every year. But freedom of living peacefully - none. Use less water that is take bath once in a month and do not wash your clothes ever; avoid relatives - I agree with them on this :D; scared of your dog - you should be, unlike me he can bite you when he gets angry; you are wearing mini-skirts - oh is there a dress code for tenants; your cooker makes noise - yours doesn't, which company cooker is it?; you are having fun - not at your cost definitely; I don't like your maid - my maid doesn't like you either, for your information your own maid doesn't like you either, I heard her bitching to mine; let's bitch about our mom-in-laws - no thank you, I would rather prefer bitching about you to my MIL; and the list goes on....


And all the landlords gang up, and they choose a leader for them - the one with the biggest house or the one with the oldest house. And the story gets funnier when a landlord A does not like landlord B's tenant.

 I am pretty sure this is not how RICH people behave. What is it that these landlords take pride in? Or make them treat tenants as ants? I guess they simply are intimidated by tenants. I see no other reason for them to be unreasonable. I think the richest may not show this behavior but the in-betweeners, who suddenly became rich, without any hard work, behave like nobody turned to Lords overnight. Most of the cases its their father-in-laws who gave them that piece of land for marrying their daughter or it is got by cheating, or by any illegal means.

Oh yes, you guys - the landlords SHOULD be intimidated, feel insecure about us. You know why, its our hard-earned money that is buying us a roof on our heads. Not our ancestral property or the dowry or  cheating.

In 5 days I am going to own a property officially on my name. And how much I want to say the F word and flip my finger to these a*****s.  My own landlords behavior towards us changed lately when they got to know that am going to own a house. Now they treat us as one among them. We sure would never want to be one among them. Buying a flat is not a dream or a plan that worked out well. I did it by the spur of moment. Moment when I got so pissed off with these landlords. And today, am glad that I took the decision. Freedom is the most important thing for a peaceful life and this is one bigger step towards it[ no I don't want to talk about financial freedom from EMIs ;-( ].

Margin Call - Movie Review

As always I don't remember how I ended up watching this movie. Vaguely I remember IMDB recommending this movie for me. I got so bored even with movies that I started watching all thrillers, suspense, mystery or action filled movies which would keep my interest till the end. But this movie falls under none of these categories yet it keeps your interest till the end.

And the whole credit goes to amazing performances by each of the actors. Each one of them. Kevin Spacey, Demi Moore, Jeremy Irons and I have to list each actors names if I go. Movie is about how the financial downfall started and what happened to the market during the economy dips. And whom to be blamed for all of this. 2 hours of just the dialogs, and entire movie happens over a night. Starting from the evening of a friday to the morning of next day. Initially most of it is gibberish unless you understand the finance terms and jargons. But half way through it you get a perfect picture and by then I promise you are way too into the movie that its better than any thriller.

Movie starts with layoffs, where HR is calling each of those candidates and explaining the severance package. One among the people getting fired is the head of Risk management who worked for the same company for more than 15 years. His phone and email are cut off immediately and he feels cheated. Irony is that till the end of the movie the company keeps chasing this guy as they need him. For what? Have to watch the movie to understand how the finance big heads think and operate to minimize whatsoever the impact is. Amazing.

When you are good at your job and if how good you are at your job is based on how cheap your ethics are, and what an individual goes through for being a cheat a fraud and being the reason for the entire rippling effect of the downfall how does one live? They sure do survive. But are they living? This is beautifully depicted by Kevin Spacey's role. He cries over illness of his dog and the next minute he is asked to give a pep talk after firing 90% of the staff on his floor. May be the only way for him to be in touch with life and humanity is his dog.

And there is this fresh grad who is half the time worried about everyone else's salary and wondering what they might be doing with so much money. Not until one of his boss explains him that no money is big money after taxes and responsibilities taken care of.

At the end of it they show that everyone works for surviving, not living. By the end of the movie you blame no one but pity all of them.

Great job by the director, script writer, screenplay and actors.

Being Yourself

After so many days, may be after months I enjoyed the day thoroughly being myself. Just myself. I totally forgot about poor Leo and his illness, or that I am married. Few men might have found my behavior weird or I don't know ( as per their conformance of what a married woman should be :-P). But I did not notice any such thing, may be its just me being over conscious about being married.

It was a fun day at work. Bowling, Archery and a good meal with team. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole thing - screaming, cheering, whining, and most importantly *winning*. Even if I had not won I would still have enjoyed the game. I forget myself when I get involved in such things. I behave like a child. And I don't care. I seriously admire the guy who said there is no fun in being old if you dont know how to be a child. Is it the sport, or the people? I like playing, but did not long to be part of any games/ sports. Did not even try. If I did, it was cause someone forced me into it. May be cause I did NOT take sports seriously I enjoy them :-). People - May be. I like crowds. I like being among hundreds of people. Not just being, but involved in some activity. I hate to admit it. But there it is. Sitting at home all these days might have made the BIG difference. For a tiny tiny moment I missed my bachelor days.

Thinking of fun, there are many forms to it. I almost decided being happy is more than enough. But I guess there should be different dimensions to everything.  Say, you might be happy in your personal life but that should not be the only life. One should have a profession, a hobby, an interest, something that keeps them from getting bored in life. Any fun or joy that you get from these is an added bonus. Its a different kind. Whatever happens in personal life is mostly by chance than choice. And rest is your choice.

Having fun in what you have chosen is more fun than fun in what has been chosen for you. Wow, so many fun words in a single sentence. Sure I am high!

Speculation

speculation |ˌspekyəˈlāSHən|
noun
1 the forming of a theory or conjecture without firm evidence: there has been widespread speculation that he plans to quit | this is pure speculation on my part | these are only speculations.
2 investment in stocks, property, or other ventures in the hope of gain but with the risk of loss: the company's move into property speculation. he was a millionaire from speculations on the stock market.

I think most of a human being's time in a day goes in this - speculating. And it really cracks me up knowing how these minds work. And interesting thing is to know that most of the time is spent on speculating or guessing about others than themselves. Everything has to fall under a pattern, a routine or a known territory. If not they get curious, speculative, and each one declares themselves to be a detective working on a national threat. And it does not give them a goodnight's sleep unless they reason it out and solve the case.

Reasoning. This is another interesting aspect of individuals.

There are people who assume what is convenient to them even if it is practically not true. These are the ones who live in denial. They are the ones who invite the trouble. And to get over from one trouble they create another trouble and the chain goes on.

There are people who assume the worst. Absolute pessimists. They just worry too much and these people create problems for themselves too - by overreacting or reacting for nothing.

Well in either ways trouble/ problems are for sure. No one knows when the tide is coming. When the time runs out. When the game is over. But lets have fun meanwhile - speculating :-).

I'm loving it!

Project "Home"

In 3 months from now, I will have my own house, well a HOME. And I cannot believe it for some reason. I still don't feel connected with the house that is being constructed now. I have been looking at it as yet another investment. I had almost forgotten this house of mine, oh well, only time I remember is on EMI day :D. And there are days when I repent on this decision of huge investment. But right now, as of today, I am working full time - in building this home. 24 hrs in a day seem not to be enough for this. I just want to disappear for these 3 months to come back to a house which is all set up and ready to move in.

I have this anxiety that settling down in this house, would mean settling down in life. A loving husband, loveable pet, a job, a home and that is it? Satisfaction is a real killer. I do not want this home/ house to conclude and define me. Am sure to many this is what LIFE means. Get a job, get a life partner, get a house, and then you are all set for the rest of your life. There ends all the interest in LIFE. What follows next are all natural events. Kids, more responsibilities etc.

I know this female from my first job. She was 5 years into industry when I was a fresher. Now she became an Entrepreneur. Wow this word sounds so good to me. That is what I want to be someday. It does not matter what venture I get into, but I want this title more than a diamond necklace or a huge mansion. There is one more title, "Author" which seems to be moving far and far away day by day. The day I have these titles that is when I would say am Home.

Sagittarians are real dreamers. I have never been the best of a sagittarian till today :-P. I better get real, and stop just dreaming and do something about my thoughts. Real world...here I come. Back to reality!