Pelli Pustakam

Aesthesia

She was panting...fighting for breath. But still she could not stop. She has to run. She has to reach on time. Every time she looked at her watch she felt it was lying to her. Last time she looked at it, it said 9 AM, and now it was 9:12 AM. She has been running for the last 12 minutes and yet she was  no nearer to her destination. She had a sharp quick pang of fear. She was sweating. She wanted to run fast but time was running faster than her. She had to be at the place in 3 minutes. Doubts clouded her mind. What if she cannot make it to it? No! That cannot happen. For some reason she was forced to be at the place, though she was not able to remember what the reason was. All she knew was to keep running and to reach the place before 9:15, as if it was a matter of life and death.

She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them  failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.

It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.

She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.

She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.

Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!

For The One In My Life

Been happy, been sad and boy have I grown
Taking every step all alone
Lost my mind and felt left behind
Never did I believe that I would be found again


You in my life is something new
I wonder if all that I feel is really true
Shady and crazy that I may sound
But will be glad to have every emotion with you around


Marriage and vows are to me, just words
All I believe is in you, me and us
While I miss you here, I see coming years
With a Life that is filled with dreams and hopes

Work In Progress - Words That Matter

      Jay typed those two words and hit send; "Sure Diana". He had come back from a late night party and could not fall asleep. He surfed through TV channels and nothing caught his interest. He got on the internet to check his emails that needed his response. When he was almost done at the end of half an hour, he saw little window popping up at the corner of his laptop screen that said,"You've got 1 new message". Diana had replied to his email that he sent in the morning, now. She wanted to meet him. It was routine for him. His reportees asking for meetings. These meetings were very revealing for him. Most of these people were very different from their usual, inside his office. As  if his office had the comfort of a couch in a therapist's room. Or that he had the knack of letting other person open up to him and speak out their minds/ hearts. Or may be its his delightful smile that changed things around. He too believed that he could make anyone talk to him, at ease, till he met Diana. He hit send without much thought, but later he thought why would Diana want to meet him. He tried hard to remember their last meeting.

He hated their first meeting in his office. He wanted that meeting to never happen. That meeting was forced on to him. But when Diana came in his office, for a moment he felt otherwise. He wanted to welcome her into the team, yet Diana's coldness in their first meeting brought in the mean streak in him. Unlike others she looked snobby to him, and too proud to acknowledge that she needed any help. One way to get to him was to let him know that one was in need of help. He is always willing to lend a helping hand. But, Diana looked so self-contained and arrogant, that he felt nothing but to hate her guts. He was always miles away from arrogance. And to shove away Diana or her arrogance, he had to be cranky and derogatory to her. Right after their meeting with Diana that day, he felt both guilt and gloat.

And today, he was curious why Diana wanted to meet him. She never came to him in spite of all the hardships he gave her. She seem to have survived well in the new team. Then what was it now that she wanted to talk to him? He flirted with the idea that she might after all has given up, faltered and failed at something that she needed his help now. And that thought made him concerned about her for a second. But his sleep overtook and swallowed all of his thoughts into void leaving Diana at no mercy.


                               ---------***********************************-------------


People around Diana always said that things came to Diana very easily. As if everything was planned  and all she had to do was be there at the right place in right time. That is because she never told anyone how tough it was to her to even reach that RIGHT place. She hated people who attributed something to luck and not in their own abilities. Right from her childhood everyone around her thought she has a luck streak that she does not have to work hard for anything. Even her own parents thought that she is taken care of, and that she *needed* nothing. Diana many a times wanted to fail miserably that she could seek help. She could seek shelter. She wanted people to see that she too is vulnerable. But her self-respect told her otherwise. And she sometimes hated herself for being so strong. For being so shielded that she missed being taken care of.

She wondered what Jay thought about her? Did he also think she is already privileged and so the inefficient employee like Mark *needed* his support and not Diana? Is he also one among those who cared for second-handers and under-performers? Ethan's words came back to her, and she thought she should suspend all her thoughts till she met Jay. She got herself busy with work that she almost forgot about the meeting when Jay came to her desk to remind her of the meeting.

'That is a good sign', She thought; Jay reminding her of the meeting. After all those two words that he sent last night were not something that he typed in his sleep and totally forgot about it.

She followed him into his office....

Wait Til You See My Smile

When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show

When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you safe
Stand strong and you will grow

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show

People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile



Hey
So you're doin' better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need em'
Cause you're stronger and you're better and you're ready for whatever
Sing

Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile
Wait till you see my smile
Wait till they see your smile

Choice or Chance

In hindsight my life seems to be a series of chances than choices. First thing I ever dreamt of in my life was studying abroad, and that did not happen. So many things, they just happen. Not by my conscious choice but sudden and impulsive. The jobs that I chose, the offers that I accepted, friends and so on. What is it that one counts on when they take such decisions? Intuition? Or these decisions influenced by the gyan given by others?

Not that I have regrets but it looks like I have never really taken any risks in my life. I let things happen. In their course of time and place. There were situations where my carelessness or lack of respect to my own well being costed me enough depression or whatever. But no matter what was happening in my life there was one thing that I did justice to in my life. Not to my family, not to my friends and not even to me. It was and is my work.

Today, I felt so happy for being back at work. The entire weekend I wanted so badly for Monday to come. I think this is my place of retreat. Work always helped me recover. Always. May be that is the only place where I know what I am doing and I do know the outcome as well. Only place am really appreciated for my abilities(?). Only place I have friends where in the "distance" does not come into picture. Only place where I can be ME. Only place where I can forget the rest of the world and just do what I want or like to do. It sounds so depressing to write or admit that my workplace is my other home.

I have been so happy and used to my single life, that constant family ties are bothering me. Especially these elders. I do respect them for their age, apart from that all of them have failed miserably in my judgment. I may sound the same to my next generation but I know better not to indulge in such trivialities. Right now I hate everyone around me. I just hate them. No hate is not the right word. I am just surprised at their stupidity. And what worries me the most is that someday am going to end up like them; God Forbid!

There! Let out!

I Don't Know

Creativity comes from emotions? At least in my case I have to feel something for my mind to think differently. For my mind to react. Or else, am just there. Present but absent minded. Again, if am extremely happy I go as dumb as I could be. I need to feel empty, to do something. To think. To act. Is this a normal behavior? I don't know. If I need to feel low, incomplete, angry, frustrated, or sad, every time something creative has to come out of me, then I would prefer being dumb and happy. Damn! Should not a good thing result in good? I am complicated.

It is so easy to say "I Don't Know". As if I don't owe anyone a response, a reaction or a simple answer. And why do people accept this answer of mine? That bites me. As though that is what they wanted to hear from me. Only one person(?) who does not take such answers from me is Leo :-). He does know how to make me run, make me care for him or make me attend to him. No matter what. He does not give up till his expectations are met. He is the only one who is challenging me right now. Funny, yeah! Even now, as I write this, he is eagerly waiting and doing all his cute gestures to take my attention off this laptop and go for a walk with him. Even he knows what he wants! 

May be my problem is that I want so many things! I don't seem to like to have a simple life. Complicated seems to be the buzz word for my life.  Crazy me! I NEED to do something. Something beeeeeg. Something crazy. Something different. I thought marriage is such a BIG thing, but am falling in line with the concept of marriage that it looks like any other project that I am working on, where in everything is under control.

I Cannot Die Washing Up A Tea Cup

I do not call myself a feminist, but I try to watch every movie that is made on women. Watched this movie "The Iron Lady", one cause its a movie based on a woman and two cause one of my favorite actress Meryl Streep got an Oscar for the Best Actress. I did not so much like Margaret Thatcher as such. Whatever she is or she was I did not like the way she declared war against Argentina. May be I did not read it right from the movie, blame the director!

What caught was this one line - "I cannot die washing up a tea cup", when Denis proposes her. She says, "I will never be one of those women Denis - who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen doing the washing up for that matter. One's life must matter. Beyond all the cleaning, cooking and the children, one's life must matter more than that.".

I want to be more than a daughter, a wife, or a mother. Will I be? Have I already past the age where I could be more than all of these? Have I missed that chance already? Would my life matter? I seriously seriously want to write a book someday. One thing I want to do before I die. I want to be something, someone - important. Not just to my family and friends but to the world. Hope me being ambitious does not affect my life in a bad way. Likewise, hope my ambitions do not die off in the mist of family responsibilities. 

I cannot blame this major change in my life  - marriage; for being  skeptical about my dreams. Cause apart from getting a comfortable life and a successful career I have not done anything great or exciting so far in my single life either. Why? Fear of what lies at the end of the road? Fear of moving out of comfort zone? 

Lately, am taking good enough risks. House. Marriage. I learnt dance just cause I love dancing but never thought of performing on stage and coming Monday am performing for the third time in my life ( yeah if you consider those school day dance shows :-P ). May be someday I will have enough courage to publish my own book. Someday!

Deadlines

I love deadlines. They kinda give an adrenaline rush. They push me. They challenge me. People sometimes call me "Time Table", "Scheduler" blah blah. But I like being on time. I like setting targets and aiming for them. Even if the target is for watching all the latest movies or finishing all those pending books lying around on the table for months now.

So I bought these 5 new books and seriously doubt if I can finish all of them in this year. I have got a list of movies to watch. Even the TV series that I watch regularly, and which I wait eagerly every week, are pending. I have so many arrangements to do for the upcoming events in my life, I have so many things to take care of, yet am just sitting idle doing nothing. I am not doing anything at all. I don't like this change in me. I don't like being a lazy ass. I don't like me now. Oh yeah, one thing am doing is thinking. I cannot stop myself from this. Just thoughts without actions is a torture. And to add to all of these my aerobics instructor is also on leave. The same fever seem to have caught her too.

I want a break. I really want to run-away, hide myself somewhere for a while in silence. And this is something that I can never muster enough courage to do. But someday! I will have my own retreat which I can escape to. For now, this is my plan for escape - all those TV series and movies.

Roller Coaster Ride

I don't like roller coaster rides. I just cant understand how people say it is fun. It is not that I have not been on any of the rides in my life. But even those that I had been on, I hated them. What fun is it to scare the guts out of you? They must be real sadists who do this to themselves.

Anyways, and when I listen to this - "Life is a Roller Coaster Ride", I really get worried. Guess I cannot escape this one no matter what. I pretty much try to keep my life as smooth as possible, but somehow I complicate my life; few times knowingly, and few times unknowingly. And I hate myself so much for doing so knowingly.

Now that a different dimension is added to my life - my Fiance, I really need to strike the balance. Why did not people say Life is not a wagon driven just by you but so many others, spouse, kids, parents, in-laws? Wish someone had also told what road to take!

Yeah, I know, I should stop thinking!

State Of Affairs

Looking back sometimes I think reading Ayn Rand is a mistake. I hated my work environment, second-handers, hypocrites around me. This created lot of stress in both my professional and personal life. It took me a long time to start ignoring stuff. 

But time and again these things get to my notice and I just have to vent it out. At office, I seriously do not understand how people survive. Seriously. Ideal office is where everyone works. Now it is so hard to see people who even respect their job, who even acknowledge they are being paid by the company and that they have an obligation to work for the company. Yet, few think that their job is surviving cause of them which in fact is the other way. They say work is only a part of life. Of course but isn't your job which is giving you the life that you have?

I really hate people who dodge from their work, who are insincere. And there is another category where in the  person does not have the very basic requirement that is needed to run their job. Say, being organized is an important requirement for a job like Admin assistant, and the irony is this person survives for exactly being so unorganized. How? It is a big question to me. Likewise I know of many positions at my office and I keep wondering how they survive. 

And well, flirting seems to be a good soft skill to acquire. Oh yes. Being blunt, open and honest is no good. You give a little importance to these people and they start to drool all over. May be this IS needed for them in order to survive. Survive their otherwise useless lives. 

How much people seek acceptance from others? Aren't families and friends in our lives not for this reason? Why romance with your acquaintances? And I am pretty sure that last thing on these people's mind is friendship. And all these people I am talking about are married men/ women. I really pity their spouses.

And why do I get to see all these? I don't know! And why do I get to hear all this? I don't know! All I can say is these people make it so obvious that it is next to impossible to not notice the state of affairs. And believe me it looks ugly.

Falling In Love

I don't know why I thought I would never fall in love. I don't know why I thought love cannot happen in case of arranged marriages. Because am contradicting myself. Am falling in love. With a stranger I met exactly 10 days back. A stranger with whom I would be sharing the rest of my life. Magic does happen when you let it happen to you. I thought I could not respect this person, could not love him passionately enough. But every time I talk to him I feel small. Small in terms of age. I am growing younger with each talk. I feel like a child. Protected. Adored. I never knew I would like the idea of someone owning me. 

On one side I hate myself for being this girl who is all  fluttery about love, marriage blah blah. On one side I like the silly me. For once I would like to let my hairs down and enjoy being stupid, gooey. I hope to have my feet firm on the ground so that I don't fall flat on my face. Even if I fall I know there is someone to catch me ;-)

Men

How much you are judged when you are a woman? When you are someone's wife? All that you are as an independent woman is gone in a whiff? Would men ever change? Why do they give all that attention to some girl who is single even though they themselves are married and why do they suddenly change their care or attention when you are no more a single? Why do they think they do not need to be nice to you anymore? As if they get nothing being nice to you suddenly? What was it that they were expecting before and what is it now that has changed? Am glad that their intentions are revealed so easily. Now I get to know what kind of men they really are. And am happy to know who really are my good friends. 

Am really really greatful to all those people who still give me the same importance, same treatment, same concern, care and attention and who are really helping me through the wavering moods and haunting doubts. Thank you Ankit Singh, thank you Deepesh E. Am still the same person to these people. Am a friend in need to these people. Before my work ( and of course after, now a new addition my better half ) guess my friends are the most important aspect of my life. More than my family. Not an exaggeration, being an elder one at home am the one who give my parents the support that they need and I seek it from my friends. I have written so many posts about friends and I will continue writing more on them cause they never disappoint me in the journey of my life.

Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close

Movie based on the novel that goes by the same name, author - Jonathan Safran Foer. I never read any of his books. This movie got 6.4 rating on IMDB. But I gave it a 7. Read few reviews online before watching the movie. Most of them were negative saying that movie is a cheap trick cashing on 9/11 aftermath. What caught me are the words "in search of a lock for a mysterious key" in the movie synopsis. May be I am a sentimental fool that I like this movie.

It indeed gets sleazy at times. But that is the way I look at emotions. They make you so vulnerable. You are not what you are when these emotions shadow you. Anyways, this is not a movie review, is it? I like the boy and his childhood for believing in things. For his never relenting search. For his love. For his fallacies of not being able to pick up his Dad's last call, and hiding his Dad's last messages from his mother. 

I love the way he uses few metaphors. For example, correlating his denial of not being able to let go his Dad, he says - "If the sun were to explode, you wouldn’t even know about it for 8 minutes. Because that’s how long it takes for light to travel to us. For 8 minutes, the world would still be bright, and it would still feel warm. It was a year since my dad died and I could feel my eight minutes with him were running out".

I think I would have loved the book more than movie. But I watched the movie before reading the book. I gotta order this book.

Life is harsh, mean, and so unfair. Yet, living it is worth. Life is an oxymoron in itself. Yet life must go on! It's been a long long time I have been so philosophical.

The Grownup

It’s times like these, when you don’t know what to believe, that it becomes frustrating. Those times when you can’t tell whose voice you’re hearing. One is the grownup, the mature one. The one who always rationalizes everything. The realistic one who doesn’t care but about themselves, about not getting hurt while hurting others in the process.

The other one would be the child who cares about everyone. The child that is always laughing and giggling. It’s always happy with what it has and is a joy to have in life. Everyone loves that child but they don’t know it. The grownup hides the child away from you, so you don’t act like that child. The grownup wants you to mature, to be realistic, not to take risks so you won’t hurt yourself. But you can’t really enjoy your life without that child.

The child is the only one who knows what you’re really feeling, the only one who can tell you. But it’s hidden away, kept under lock and key. Its voice, drowned out by the grownup trying to sound like it, disappears. The grownup is doing an excellent job feeding you lies for which you do fall and keeping you miserable while convincing you, that you’re just fine, that you are content with your life.

The grownup being your brain and the child your heart

Out of Denial

I am a slow reactor. It takes time for me to realize. Recently I had my mid-year discussion and my manager gave me my rating :-(. I realized it only after 4-5 hrs that my rating is given to me. So many other things. Why is it that I just fail to register. I bought a flat, in the location( HSR Layout) I want, this swept off my bank balance, yet I forget at times that I have my own roof. 

And well I finally said yes to marriage. Not sure what was going on in my mind that made me said yes. May be investing in a house brought the courage in me that I can take risks in life. Or may be I started believing in the brighter side of life and accepted the life is a chance and its worth risking in-spite of all the hurdles one faces. Guess am out of denial mode.

Yeah am a bride now :-). All am excited about is the new sarees, jewellery and dressing up! Apart from that I don't think I understand that I am getting married in few months! I am not curious, anxious or anything. God save him ;-). Have not shared this anyone except with my manager. Why I told him? He is the one who approves my leave is the only reason would be a lie. But felt good after letting this out. But I don't want to tell everyone get worried either with all their suggestions, predictions, advises etc.

I really need my close friends Shanti or Bindu to make this easy for me. I am suddenly missing many of my friends Arpan, Shalini, Sirisha. I am missing my MOM the most. Wish she would come back soon.

Work Nuisance

I am brain dead. Totally drained of any enthusiasm or energy. I feel so demotivated at work. I lost focus. And don't know where I am lost. There were times when I hated my job, but right now I just have no energy to even hate my job. I need inspiration. I need a good pep talk. But to worsen the case I got feedback at work that I am not looking beyond my comfort zone. Yeah THAT is a joke! I am many things but not someone who rejoices in the comforts and let things flow.

Anyways, last evening I was early to my Aerobics class, well yes all that happened at office drove me there early. There was this dance class going on and I sneaked in to watch. The dance teacher was teaching the same steps over and over to these dumb girls who could not get the steps straight. But his expression and energy each time was the SAME. Same steps, same music, in the 5 mins that I spent he must have gone through the same step 5-7 times. But each time the music starts and he dances, he has the same joy, passion. No hints of any routine or boredom at all. And he keeps talking incessantly cracking jokes, making conversations with me and others who are not even part of his class. He is so live. Alive. He is enjoying his work so much. Even though it is so repetitive. Is that even possible in IT field? 

Guess my work lately has become so stupid that I lost focus. I can blame it on hundred other things. Guess I  need one tight slap to jolt back in action. Or may be not. May be its just am at the receding side of the bell curve. Patience! It will all pass and I will be back. Alive.

If You Truly Care What You Write

Got this article from the internet....read on.  

The Best Way to Find Your Writing Voice? Stop Looking

Are you afraid that your writing isn’t unique enough?
Or perhaps worried that you won’t have anything meaningful to say?
Discover your writing voice is a big obstacle for a lot of people.
I’m both sad and excited about this, because the solution is simple, but not easy to act on.
The fact that you’re afraid of sharing your message with the world just means that you truly care what you put out there, and that caring is what will make a big difference in your writing.
When I started, I was paralyzed by the thought of sharing my internal world with the outside world, and still am from time to time, but I write anyway, and I’m still alive.
Every writer cares about what others think, which means you will be afraid, stuck, and miserable from time to time.
It’s a part of doing what you love. When you realize that, you also discover that it’s not about eliminating the fear, it’s about dancing with it.

What is Your Writing Voice?

Your writing voice is not something that’s fixed and something great writers keep in their back pocket. Your voice is constantly evolving, growing, and wanting to express itself.
All you can do right now is to express the voice you have. Do not wait for a-ha moments and big discoveries, because they may never come.
Your voice is like an unpolished diamond. The potential is always there, but it takes hard work to uncover what’s inside.
Nothing will happen unless you act. There is no magic incantation you can use to bring forth the brilliance within you, except the magic of hard work.
Your voice doesn’t have to be perfect, you just have to be willing to express it.

Why You’re Wrong About Your “Writing Voice”

If you’re like most people, then you see your writing voice as something mysterious, out of your reach, and something you need to discover.
But just like in real life, you don’t have to discover your speaking voice, because you already have one.
You are who you are, and you write the way you write.
As you keep writing, eliminating blocks, and moving forward, your writing will evolve.
And believe it or not, so will your “writing voice.”
I cannot guarantee that people will listen to you, but so what?
If at first no one reads your writing, you keep writing and improving.
If at first no one finds you unique enough, you keep writing, and you uncover your uniqueness.
You have to be willing to fail until you can succeed.

The Solution to Your “Writing Voice” Problem

You may think that you have to discover your voice before you can blog, write, or whatever you want to do, but it doesn’t work like that.
Most people have it backwards.
Your voice isn’t found, it’s honed.
You already have a writing voice, just like you have a speaking voice.
To become a great writer, you have to practice diligently.
When you say you cannot start because you haven’t found your voice, you’re making an excuse.
And do you realize that the only way to really get the writing voice you want is to do exactly what you fear—to write and put yourself out there?
That’s the beauty of it all.

Books, Movies and Life

1Q84

 If I like a book or a movie I want to tell this to the world, I want everyone to feel the same that I felt; awed. But like always, stuff that I like the most is where I fall short of words. I could never get to write a review for the best movies or books that I love. Somehow putting it in words what I felt was a dishonor, as if my words would not do the justice to the author, actor or director. And I also realized that trying to tell someone that so and so book or movie is good has no point. If they are good they speak for themselves.

Violets Of March

I wanted to write about this TV show since a long long time...Grey's Anatomy. Yes I am an engineer but I love this medical drama. Since I have been watching this show I at times regret for being and engineer and not a doctor who can save lives. Who is the GOD on earth. I think work on life is the most beautiful thing on work. Well, I  comfort myself thinking that I somehow indirectly am saving life's :-P.

Anyways, the creator of this sitcom, Shonda Rhimes, has done a great job. And the writers are just awesome. So many different lives of these characters and how they are interwoven with their profession...its just awesome. And to add to it they do know how music does magic. They have chosen beautiful songs to go with the scenes. Christina Yang has been my favorite character. And for Season 6 it was Calley Torres. And at times I like Meredeth Grey. And though Derek and Mark are supposed to be the attractions of the show on men's side, I think Owen Hunt is super hot. The show is running its Season 8 and I have never felt bored. I watched all the episodes of all seasons more than twice. What would I do when the show ends someday?
 

Before I Go To Sleep

The Year Of Fog

Wow! I guess I exceeded my expenditures this month already. Spent 2.5k and ordered these books yesterday through FlipKart. And they are here now on my table already :-).

- The Violets of March by Sarah Jio
- Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
- 1Q84: Books 1, 2 and 3 by Haruki Murakami
- The Year of Fog by Michelle Richmond

There should be a job which pays you for reading so many books. Boy! I would be a millionaire :-P

Best of current season 8 of Grey's Anatomy -

1. If/ Then Season 8, Episode 13

2. All You Need Is Love Season 8, Episode 14

Work In Progress - The Drama

When she woke up she was not sure if she was still dreaming. But seeing name on the display of her phone she knew it was not a dream. Her boss was calling her on a Saturday morning?!. Due to recession fear, head-count reduction rumors or most importantly the missed deadlines, most of the staff was working on weekends for the last few months. And Diana too was working on weekends except for that day. She was to see an Ortho Doc, for an injury that she suffered during one of her work-out sessions. In spite of everyone telling her to go see a Doc, she has been postponing it till that day. She had informed this to Jay already that she will not be in office on Saturday. Like all her emails this was ignored too.

She was still staring at the display, wondering what is it that Jay is calling her for?! Cuddles snorted at her as if he was irritated with her phone ring tone, and as if to say, 'Will you pick it up already?'.

She took the call and said "Hello Jay?".
"Diana, are you going to be in office today?"
Well, how about a 'Good Morning Diana', to start with she thought.
"Umm...no. What is it Jay?"
"I realized our buddy Mark is not here this week and I want you to take up his column", said Jay.
Mark? Our buddy?. "But Jay, I am already running behind my schedule, I don't think I can take up his work", Diana said fending.
"My question was not if you can do it or not, it is will you do it or not? And I hope you the  know schedule, I want this done before 3 pm today", said Jay with his raised voice.

That upset her. 'He does not even know that I am on leave today and he expects me to work and gives me a deadline? And a work that is to be done by someone else?', she thought. She had no issues with authority per se, but she had very few situations where someone dictated her what to do. And in such cases, she always resisted. Taking orders and rules was something that she was not  acquainted with, unless she knew that it was in her best interests. One thing she could not compromise on was her self-respect. Someone giving her an ultimatum. A choice between 'Yes or No', 'Will you or will you not'. And her usual answer was negative, which was goaded mostly by her ego!
 

'Is he commanding me? Am I to say yes to everything that he asks for?

There was a long pause, and Jay was waiting for Diana's response on the other side. People taking her for granted is something that she really really hated. She pulled up all her courage to say 'No'. But she was surprised to hear herself say, "Okay! I will do it". And she regretted saying it before Jay could hear the half-hearted okay.

'What the F**k? Why did I say okay? Did I think saying yes to this will change Jay's behavior towards me? What was I thinking? '. Right then, Jay looked like a heartless cruel sadistic person that she ever met.

"But, 3 o'clock deadline seems to be next to impossible".
"Sure, take your time, but this has to go on Sunday's special. So you have time till midnight", said Jay.
Diana was thinking about her appointment with the Ortho...when Jay did not get a response, he  mellowed and said, "Diana? Are you still there? I do understand its a Saturday, but we have all been working over weekends and I would really appreciate it if you can finish this up".

All Diana could say was, "Ummm". 'Yeah if only you had seen me limping all around the office for entire week, if only you knew how overloaded I am with all the work, if only you knew that I too have a life...you would understand!', she thought.

Jay continued to say that he too has been working hard for the last few months and that it is really been hectic lately,  all of which Diana failed to listen. She realized that none of it mattered now and all she needs to do is to get over with the work. She stayed silent for the rest of the conversation except for saying Umm's.

"Okay, so I will see you in office today and we will work on this", Jay said before saying bye.
'We', she wondered. And like she thought Jay was never in office the entire day. She left office at 11 in the night after emailing him the column for review. That was her Saturday.

By Monday, Diana had many regrets for taking up job at The Dawn. For chosing to work with Jay. For ignoring Jay's hostility all this while, for saying yes to work on Mark's column.

"Diana! Oh gosh, you look awful, let me guess you had a horrible weekend?", asked Sofia.
"Don't get me started about how my weekend was", Diana replied.
"By the way, looks like marriage did good for Mark, his creative side has come out, did you see the reviews on his column on Sunday? This is the first ever appreciation that he ever got in his entire career!"
"What? You mean last Sunday's column?", Diana asked surprised.

She went back to her desk and wrote a one liner email to Jay asking for a meeting, to which he replied saying that he was busy most of the day and that he could not meet her, but he was free the next day. That reply enraged her that she pushed back her chair to leave office for that day. Right then, she spilled the coffee on  her table which was all over her shirt.

On her way to the wash room she hit her already sprained ankle against the fire extinguisher which aggravated her anger more than her pain. With all the humility, disappointment and feelings of betrayal she banged the wash room door. She cleaned herself up and looked in the mirror. Tears. There were tears running down her face. She did not realize until then that she was crying. And she had no control over those tears. She kept wiping them off her cheeks, but they were not stopping.

Her phone was ringing again. It was Ethan. Her tears became loud sobs when she saw that name.
"Yeah", she said on phone, with a gurgled voice.
"Hai Dee, wait a minute. Are you crying?", asked worried Ethan.
"Nuuooo", she said, still sobbing.
"What is it? Problem at work? Home? Someone said something to you?"
Diana response was jsut her weeps.
"Alright. Are you at work? I will be done in 15 mins, will come and pick you up. We will talk. Is that ok with you?", asked Ethan.
"Ok"
"Now stop crying and pack up. Will be right there with you soon", said Ethan rushing her.
As if she found a temporary solution to all her problems, she sighed and stopped crying at once. She washed up and was ready to meet Ethan and let out all her miseries of her pathetic weekend.

She broke up with Ethan Covey 4 yrs back. They met in one of the photography workshops and they instantly hit it off. Back then they hardly had any discussions or talks between them. Words really played no role in their relationship. It was as if they knew what the other person was thinking or was about to say. They had so many similar tastes, preferences. Life was so easy and simple with Ethan. As if it is a party to enjoy with no worries, tensions.

Diana had to move to the City to work at The Dawn and leave her small home town, and that is when Ethan professed his love for her. Though she knew that it was coming she was in a fix when it came to what her response is. She had high hopes and dreams of her own. She did not know how he would fit in those dreams of hers.

Yet, she loved all the care, attention and each moment spent with Ethan, that she reciprocated, with an SMS after a late night dinner with him, that said, "I love you too :-)". Later Ethan followed Diana to find job in the City. But things changed for them once they moved here. She was always so caught up with her own goals, aims, and grandiose thoughts and she could barely involve him in any of these. Ethan felt left out. First thing that Ethan liked about Diana was that she was always in the right. And the same is what he was hating her the most - for always being right.

She was always in a race. Apart from her job nothing else seemed important to her. And all this was drowning for Ethan. And she was trying to rub this on Ethan too. She was making plans for Ethan's career too. That was the only way she knew to show her love. That was the only way she knew to show that she cared for him. But to Ethan, this looked like she was trying to control his life.

A relationship where there were no words, there were arguments now. And eventually they both decided to end the relationship for their own good. With time they lost touch until a year later where they happened to meet in a cafe.

Since then they have been friends. Good friends. They were in and out of many relationships later. But their relationship as friends stayed. Many of her friends asked her the possibilities of getting back with Ethan. But she knew that it would never happen. If something good like moving to a City with promising careers could not keep them together, then they do not stand a chance with a life full of unexpected turns and twists. May be Ethan knew this too.

"Tell me about it", said Ethan.
"It's my boss!", said Diana.
"What? Boss? Ha ha ha...you are kidding right?"
"No", said Diana firmly.
"Okay. Go on...am all ears", said Ethan.
"Well, first of all I don't think he likes me and I don't know why!"
"Did he tell you he does not like you or is that your assumption?", asked Ethan.
"He says it in each of his actions. He simply hates me".
"Okay, so now am talking to the great interpreter of actions is it? You know what your problem is, you assume. And you over-analyze!", said Ethan and he regretted those words immediately.

One thing he learnt from all these years with her is, that when she is sad and trying to share something, he is only supposed to listen to her and not pass judgements, advises or comments. He knew that he had upset her already. And only two men knew the crankier side of hers. Her Dad, and Ethan. And it is absolutely impossible to deal with her when she is cranky. Unfortunately both of them get to see mostly the petulant side of hers and they seemed to be fine with it. Her Dad cause he has no other option. Ethan cause he preferred this to otherwise, obsessive, aggressive, highly-opinionated, wise women. Her emotions made her dumb and he liked that. It was easy to deal with her stupidity than her wits.

Before, she could react, he said, "Dee, I seriously think you should talk to him and stop over-thinking".
To which Diana replied with her about-to-cry voice, "I did, I called him for a meeting and he said he is not free today."
"So, who is dying tomorrow? You or him? You can still talk to him tomorrow. Now. If you really think I can help you, you have two options. We watch DVDs of your favorite TV show and order a pizza or go to the movies and have a dinner".

That is one trick of Ethan's that always brings smile to Diana. They chose to go to the movies.

That night after she came back from dinner, She replied back to Jay's email saying that she was okay for a meeting tomorrow. And to her surprise she got an immediate reply from him.

"Sure Diana".