Guilt, Remorse or Pity

I know many of kids who want to be like their parents, a girl wanting to be like her MOM, a guy wanting to be like his Dad. Trying to imitate them, trying to imbibe their ideologies, mannerisms thinking that one day you would just be like them. This is the case of child with ‘Successful parents’. Successful in terms of financial or social status. Although this definition of being a successful parent is going to be redefined by me by the end of this post.

Bygone:

Am no different from being an ordinary person who wants to fit in the norms of society expectations. To me society is my friends acquaintances, so-called relatives.  Well that's pretty much a society for anyone isn’t it. Well am just being polite to myself from not identifying myself with those who worry about the judgment of every person they meet. Anyways, like any other struggling  middle class person, I hated my parents many a times. Be honest! Am sure each of us have gone through this. Each of us have judged our parents. I always wanted to be a better parent than my parents to my future kids. To give them everything that my parents did not give me. Most of these being not buying me that favorite dress or doll, not giving enough pocket money etc.  I always thought my DAD is a failure. With so many troubles that he faced in his life, I simply used to think that its his stupidity to land himself in those situations. That he is not smart enough.  I promised myself many a times that I am not going to be like him ever. And my MOM worries for every little thing.  And so many times I avoided discussing a problem with her just because she would compound my worries. But little did I realize what they have given me. A LIFE. An Identity of what I am today. The comfort that I get whenever I know that my MOM is worried for me. Knowing that she is there to cry with me. And that she is the only person on earth who would always, ALWAYS wish for my better.

Now:

Daddy visited  me last weekend.  I had to drop him at a bus stop on my way to office this Wednesday. We both got into my car.  For some reason, I was feeling very awkward.  Cause he is leaving? Cause I could not be a Son who could drop him at the Bus Station?  I myself have the luxury of a car to go to office but let him take a public transport to Bus Station? I could not think much on this as I had to concentrate on driving.

Finally his bus stop comes and he gets down. I hated myself to say ‘bye’ to Daddy. To wave him and say happy journey. I did not meet his eyes.  AS I was at the signal I could stop the car and see him in the rare view mirror. Poor man, walking all alone, by himself, with a bag on his shoulder that is weighing him down with burdens of the present, struggles of the past,  limitations of the age.  How could I comfortably sit in a car and watch him walk by?! I suddenly felt he is old. Time is such a bitch that it shows the meanness of life sooner or the later. He is not the same Daddy who was so strong, on whose shoulders I climbed, not the same Daddy who rough hands hurt my cheeks when he slapped me, whose strong arms held me when I was scared. I felt so sorry for him. Man who has ran through all the milestones of his life, is now walking with his bent shoulders.

I am not sure if it was guilt not being able to return back what he has given to me, or pity to see my father as a failure or hatred towards me to see him as a failure in the first place, that made me cry. Only words that came out of my mouth were “Daddy, I am so sorry”. I wish he had heard those words that am relieved from this pain. I wish I had ran back to him, gave him a big hug.

Now and Forever:

I proudly say that I have the worlds best parents. For giving us life, for making us what we are, for teaching us how important it is to be a human to actually SEE THE LIFE, FEEL THE LIFE AND LIVE THE LIFE.

You are the most successful parents  that we had, have and will have. FOREVER.

I love you Daddy, I love you MOM. I am proud and wish to be as selfless a person as each of you are.

Of Fallen Leaves and Mud Balls

Copy paste from Sujata's blog. I found this post on my cavalier surfing. Ironically it was a perfect timing for my nostalgia for my close friends.

Staying at home in the evenings while the rest of the neighbourhood kids played outside. I remember the sounds of children outside under the crimson sky, and me listening to mother telling me a story.. of a leaf and a mud ball, who were the greatest of friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The mud ball was simply… mud coloured, fat and podgy and the leaf was light emerald green, delicate and pretty. And yet they cared a lot for each other.
They played together, laughed together, even danced together.. the leaf dancing gracefully and elegantly while the mud ball would flop around, trying hard to stay in step with his graceful friend.
Their affection made the forces of nature very jealous indeed.
The wind bragged “I am the most powerful one ! I shall blow hard and make the leaf fly away with me. That would be the end of this friendship.”
And so the wind blew as hard as it could.
The leaf started flying helplessly in the powerful gust and screamed for help. The mud ball panicked for a second, then suddenly thought of an idea. He jumped and sat on the leaf. The wind blew all he could, but could not separate the two friends.
Upon seeing this, the rain said “Now let me try – I shall melt this mud ball in seconds.”
And so the skies opened up and it rained heavily. The mud ball started dissolving in the rain and screamed. Suddenly he felt something covering him. It was gentle leaf who was lying on top of him and whispering “No one can harm you…. And no one can separate us.”
The rain poured and poured, but could do no harm.
The forces of nature got very angry indeed. They decided to unite together.
The rain and the wind came down in powerful gusts together. In a matter of seconds, the mud ball dissolved and disappeared in the earth… and the leaf blew far, far away.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mother closed the book with a sigh. I looked at her with big eyes “Then what happened ?”
“Nothing.” She said.
“Didn’t they try to look for each other ?” I asked, my little heart breaking.
“Even if they tried, they would never have succeeded in finding each othere. The mud ball had ceased to exist. The leaf had blown too far away.”
My little world crumbled. For the first time, I realized that in my picture-perfect world, there exists… irreversible, irrevocable loss.
After that little poignant moment, every time I looked at a fallen leaf blowing in the autumn breeze, I wondered if it was searching for a lost friend, who would never be found again.
Looking back at my life, I have lived and relived many such moments when I have lost a friend due to well.. so many causes (read, wind) and always felt a poignant sadness, knowing that this is the end of that beautiful relationship I had been blessed with.
At the same time, it has made me value all those friends and family members who have been by my side and never left me, never said goodbye, no matter how much teh winds blew, no matter how much the rains poured.
Here’s to all fallen leaves and mud balls…. Life is too short. Stay by each other’s side. Let the winds blow. Let the rains pour on. Never say goodbye.

Dharmecha, Arthecha, Kamecha, Mokshecha Aham Evam Naati Charami

I have been intrigued by Marriage Rituals, meaning of these rituals, their significance and rationale behind all of these. I have not attended many marriages, even if I did, we were so caught up in catching up with the bunch of friends, family and relatives.So here goes my attempt to understand a marriage ceremony. I gathered all this from the internet.

Not many of us understand these rituals, mantras that bride/ groom are asked to recite. I wonder if atleast the Pandit who performs the ceremony understand them. Hindu marriages are performed in Sankrit language. So what does a Hindu marriage mean? And what we should look for in it, and how we should apply it to our lives. What's really involved, why do we go through all that ceremony, and what is the meaning of saying that we don't have the concept of divorce in Hindu marriage and why is it so?

Concept of Marriage - In the Hindu culture tells you how to translate this experience of unity in diversity. The Oneness.

Who is the bridegroom – The father of the bride worships the feet of the bridegroom in the marriage saying:

     Namostu anantaya sahasramurtaye Sahasrapadakshi shira uru bahave sahasranamne purushaya shashvate sahasrakoti yuga dharine namah

[ ( I bow down to him ) ( one who has no ending ) ( One who has a thousand forms ) (having a thousand heads ) ( one who has got a thousand rays coming from him ( sheer ) ( he is existing forever ) (for thousands of crores of eras, he has been there ) ]

The bridegroom is none other than MahaVishnu, physically present as an individual here, I am washing his feet. Sahasra murtaye, the one who has a thousand forms. In Sanskrit, the word thousand is used in a different sense than we normally understand . The three zeros are the three illusions of our wakefulness, of our dreaming and sleeping state. The reality, the one is you; you are experiencing all these three states. One thousand is meant to represent infinity of experiences in these three states of our being. So you see, you are not seeing the bridegroom as an individual. You are considereing him as a manifestation of Maha Vishnu directly. And it is to him the Kanya, the bride is being offered. 

Who is the Bride? 

The wealth of the lord, Maha Laksmi, aishvarya. All the wealth in the world, all the enjoyment, all the riches, all the experiences, they are the Maha Laksmi.

Kanyam kanaka sampannam sakala abharanih yutam.

This bride is offered as the wealth of the world unto thee, unto the God who owns this wealth.

Process of Marriage

1. NANDI - getting started

2. NISCHITARTHA - confirming the alliance

3. ANKURARPANA - creation of the alliance by lighting the yagna fire

4. LAJA HOMA - yagna

5. SNATHAKAM - graduation ceremony

6. UPANAYANAM - thread marriage

7. KASI YATHRA - the indecisive journey of the groom to kasi for the sanyasa and bringing him back to the house by the parents of the bride for the marriage.

8. KANYA DANAM - offering of the daughter for the marriage.

9. PANI GRAHANAM, SAPTHA PADHI, MANGALASUTHRA DHARANA, OR VEEKSHANAM - the seeing of each other, touching of each other, and walking together, and tying the knot of the marriage.

10. TALAMBRALU - aimed at the bringing the bride and the groom nearer in psychological and mental paths.

11. ARUNDHATHI DARSHANAM – The significance is to remind the pair about their cosmic responsibilities they have to perform in the coming walk of life.

12. GRIHAPRAVESAM - taking the bride to the in-laws house

13. APPAGINTHALU - handing over the daughter to the groom

14. DHRUVA DARSHANA

15. SOBHANAMU - nuptials

16. GARBHADANAM - the act of creation of the foetus.

Muhurtam

The actual muhurtam, when the two get married, is when they put their hands on each others' heads, it's called sumuhurta. You have a betel leaf, some jaggery, and some seeds, and that is kept on the heads of the bride and bridegroom mutually. he real meaning of the guru and sishya relationship is that like a transmitter and receiver. When I'm talking and you're listening, I'm the guru and you are the chela or sishya. But when you're talking and I'm listening, you're the transmitter and I'm the receiver; so you're the guru and I'm the sishya. You learn to see the oneness of yourself with the other. 

Upanayana means taking you near God. nayana means taking, upa means near. You're being taken near the Goddess, the mother Gayatri, by the thread ceremony. The thread ceremony entitles you to recite Gayatri Mantra. Gayatri is a Shakti who is ruling the whole world. She is the creatrix, she is the sustainer, she is also the destroyer. She combines all these powers into her. And if you get the right to recite the Gayatri, you become a Shakti upasaka, then you go through the transition called upanayana. The dynamic nature you have to understand, and implement, and expose yourself to in your life. 

Saptapadi : Marriage is based on friendship. To establish this relationship more completely, the Vedic mantras that are used in the marriage have what is called saptapadi, the seven steps that you walk together around the fire.

Few lines from this saptapadi are:

     Sakha saptipadi bhava - be my friend who walks these seven steps together.

    Sakhyam te gameyam - may I aspire to your friendship.

    Sakhyam temayoshah; sakhyam me ma yoshtyas – your friends are mine, my friends are yours

The seven steps that you go around the fire are supposed to be the seven chakras in your body, if you are aware of the psychic chakras, they are supposed to be seven centers where you're connected to the cosmos. By keeping your awareness in these centers you're able to connect to he cosmos. Those who are practicing yoga become the cosmos. Marriage is considered as yoga. Yoga is a part of samyoga, where two are merging together in total love, and then they practice yoga. The bride and groom take seven steps symbolizing a vow for each step towards one another.

1. Together we will share the responsibilities of home and children

2. Together we will develop mental, physical and spiritual strength

3. Together we will prosper and share our worldly goods

4. Together we will fill over hearts with great joy, peace and happiness

5. Together we will raise strong and virtuous children

6. Together we will remain faithful, lifelong partners.

7. Together we will cherish each other and our families in sorrow and happiness.

Purpose of the marriage? 

      Dharma praja sampatti artham striyam udvahe. 

The spark of life was given to us by our parents. And we have to repay that debt. And how do repay that debt? By procreation. By creating another spark of life, we repay that debt to our parents. And that reason is one of the prime reasons for marriage. So if you want to have children, you must beget them through a married partner. That is the dictum. Now we got what are called four purushartas, which are called dharma, artha, kama, moksha. In every samkalpa we say "Dharma, artha,, kama, moksha, cathur vidha phala purusharta siddharthyam. I want to do my duty, I want to earn money, I want to fulfill my desires, and I want to be liberated. These are the four basic desires that everyone has. So dharma is defined as giving the spark of life which have received from your father and mother, and pass on that life to a new life. So you have the bounden duty to continue this spark of life unbroken. And let the life evolve into higher an higher forms. So your defined purpose is to generate children and that is one of the prime reasons for marriage.

I Won't Last A Day Without You

Day after day I must face a world of strangers
Where I don't belong,
I'm not that strong
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to
Who will always care,
You're always there 

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you 

So many times
When the city seems to be without a friendly face
A lonely place
It's nice to know
That you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile,
It's all worthwhile 

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you 

Touch me and I end up singing
Troubles seem to up and disappear
You touch me with the love you're bringing
I can't really lose when you're near 

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live
Without the rest, I found the best 

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you 

When there's no getting over that rainbow
When my smallest of dreams won't come true
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you

Wake-Up Dream

Dreams! Sometimes you wake up feeling so good, lite and elated. And the day that follows is just great. Sometimes you wake up with a feeling that you lost something??? What is that something? An extra hour of sleep? I wish its just that. But this queasy feeling tells you that it bigger than that. Something so intrinsic that you dread stepping out of your bed. You just want to go back to sleep and wake up with a fresh mind. Its a Sunday morning and another few hours in bed would not cost a thing. But it just does not happen. Abed I try to remember what that troubled dream that woke me up in such a terrible mood! But to no avail. All that felt good and right is no longer the same :-(.

After wasting an hour, I muster the courage and patience to face the rest of the day [ and the rest of probably a beautiful week ahead ]. I waste half my sunny hot languorous Sunday. Finally I decide to do a bit of Google on dreams hoping that it might help me in recalling the dream I woke up with. Hoping that I do not spoil the rest of the week with my glumness.

Wake-Up Dream

The wake-up dream is the last dream you have as your are waking up and your consciousness is returning to your physical body. And most of the times this is the dream that gives you an important message. Some believe that wake-up dreams come true. That is this wake-up dream predicts future. Rest of this post is what I gathered from my Google search on article on dreaming, individual's experiences and thoughts.

Dreams can predict future?

Dreams compensate the waking mind with information that is unconscious - repressed, hidden or forgotten. According to a theory the dream wants to balance the dreamer's life by providing information that anwsers questions to why things are the way they are in the dreamer's life. A purpose of dreams is to bring these repressed emotions to consciousness so a healing can take place. Only then can a person be live a happy and structured life, with a purpose and positive attitude. The unconscious dream compensates the conscious mind with this information using motifs and metaphor.

Predicting the future? Dreams do at times show us insights to possible events in the future. But it is as much a calculation of what the mind and body already knows than a supernatural event. The brain is the ultimate super computer. The body is able to communicate illness and disease through the dream, informing a person well before it is detectable by medical means. There are, and through out history have been men and women who were 'good' at seeing future events, but when you deeper into these predictions they are as much a general thought than true predictions of the future. Intuitiveness is a form of knowing, a known quality of the psyche that let's someone sense 'truths' about someone, thing or event. So why not the dream using related aspects to inform, if only in on occasion. The science of dreams {psychology}, through Jung and others, have shown us there are metaphysical qualities to the human psyche. It is probably best to be skeptical, but never dismissive.

Symbol/ Metaphors in Dreams

Dreams communicate through metaphors, symbols, a primitive language that the mind understands. And most of the times dreams have a different meaning than to what you exactly see in a dream. There is a Dreams dictionary where in you can key an object or a thing that you saw in a dream and get their interpretation. Here's the link: http://www.sleeps.com/dictionary/dictionary.html.

Dreams affect mood

You have many dreams during the night but generally it is the last dream that you remember when you wake up. Some dreams can be so emotive that you wake up still feeling those emotions in a very powerful way. How you feel can go on to make an impact on your day. It can also alter the way you relate to the people who featured in your dream. This is all fine if it was a pleasant dream with positive emotions and you wake up feeling great. However, it is not so good if it was a bad dream that led you feeling unhappy or in distress.

Its also vice verse where your moods affect the dreams. And research says that a good mood can lead to a good dream. What you see in a dream is nothing but a result of what you feel or how you feel. These are the thoughts that you escape from in the conscious waking state, but which keep crawling up your mind and soul when you are asleep in deep unconscious state. I googled for a repetitive dream that I get. Its called Running Away dream, caused due to anxiety, worry. And I found this -

Running Away

Anxiety dreams often involve you trying to run away from something. This is a common, but still terrifying experience. The thing hunting you may take the form of a man, an animal, or even a monster. Children have even reported anxiety dreams in which they are being chased by an inanimate object such as a washing machine or toilet. Adults may find themselves crawling through small spaces or narrow tunnels to escape what is chasing them.

While anxiety dreams are often alarming and troublesome, you need to realize that they are an indication of someone or a situation that is consciously distressing you. While you may be able to ignore it during waking hours, it will creep into your dreams.

Some anxiety dreams may be so disturbing that they cause you sleepless nights. To overcome this, take a good look at the situations and relationships in your life to see what might be linked to the dream. If you can figure out what is causing the dream and resolve that situation, you may find the dreams will lessen if not cease completely.

Annyway!

Its past noon, probably I should catch up on some sleep and dream good. Hope the coming week is good without any worries and anxieties. Happy week ahead to all. Happy Ugadi.

Woe Is Me

Definition of the Phrase "Woe is Me":

"This means that you are sad or in a difficult situation"
"I am distressed; sad; grieved"

Everyone has a bad day at work. I am the current victim. Today is my so called dour day in office. I take my job too seriously. If I am happy at profession, I am happy in personal life too. JOB does play an important role in my Life. May be because the freedom, financial independence, choice to choose and define my life comes from my job. And the same job is also a reason for the stress that I dread in my day-to-day life. And today is one such unpleasant day.

It hurts so much that in spite of all the efforts that you put in, the product that you developed failed in some corner case, and that only customer finds such issue, and that you get an email about the failure with your manager copied on the email. And this happens to be the first email that you check! Wow! What a start?! Your immediate reaction will be to deny the failure. Reply to the customer saying NO it never failed in my case. And with lot of courage you do run through the same steps to reproduce the issue and THERE it is! THE BUG!

Your own script/ product that you developed mocks at you. You try to re-run the same steps not able to believe how it could deceive you by failing. How it could elude you for these many days. You feel cheated by your program. You feel frustrated. You feel an immense disgrace as though you have been questioned by million people to whom you owe a product that NEVER fails. NEVER?! Even GOD makes mistakes. Why cant I? :-(

Anyways, with all this running in your mind, you don’t feel like fixing the program. Taking the revenge. Instead you want to cry like a baby. Deny every responsibility for the failure. Hide your face with someone's hug. This is when you need someone to talk to. Pour out your heart. To whom you could yell! Scream! Let out all the frustrations! Someone who could accept you with all your failures. Someone would say "Its alright!". And its an added bonus if that someone is a special someone. That one person whose voice could set everything right in your world. Everything is a NOTHING. A JOB that is so important to you suddenly becomes a zilch. And your Life seems so easy where few words from this person can set right almost anything and everything. And you are back to terms with everything around you.

How many of us have such people/ special someone in our lives? How many of us can pick a phone and call him/ her and get that perfect medicine to straighten a screwed up day! If you have answers to these questions, you know what to do next time you are going through a bad day!

By the way, is there a solution, where in you know what makes you happy but not able to get it for various reasons?

A Treat to Oneself

Feb 27th - Mar 1st. Long weekend? To me its been a short weekend. What has been making my days shorter day by day? What’s been keeping me busy, occupied? Two things. One, my pet Leo. Two, cooking. Of course apart from the job that I have which pays!

LEO: I can go on and on about this funny little puppy, Leo. There has never been a day when I did not smile or laugh cause of him. He commands all the attention from me, claims all the love for him, and in return he gives me a LIFE worth living.

 I need no alarm to wake me up, he wakes me up with his whining for his mornings nature call. I have no fear sleeping alone, cause I know that this angel of mine is watching over me. When am driving back home, I know that a LIFE is waiting for me to be back home :-). I know that the moment I step into my home, he would greet me with such a passion and love that my days miffs are gone in a whiff. JUST LIKE THAT!

So apart from office work my second job is to take care of this monster. This employer pays me with lots of love, happiness, and a fun-filled life. I spend most of my time cleaning up the mess that he created whole day being at home, feeding him, playing with him. Finally, when he gets tired, I get to my third job, where am both the employer and the employee.

COOKING: There is a place in your sweet little home, which few discover quite early, which few lethargic people like me avoid. But a place where everyone some or the other day has to step in. Am sure everyone would have a story to tell about their travails of this place. Well, am talking about that refuge in your own house called KITCHEN. For few this place is such a comfort, a place you elude to from the stressful or a boring mundane day.

It took quite a long for me to explore this place. Better late than never. Living in a city alone, one or the other day you are bound to find it. And am glad I did.

I have heard people talk, write and experiment cooking, and how much they enjoy doing that. I was not able to relate to them. But now I do. Though I have not done any experiments yet, I enjoy cooking. There were days when I complained cooking for oneself, saying its such a boring task to cook for oneself. But this long weekend I decided to please myself in every possible way that I could. I bought fresh flowers, I my favorite chocolates, ice creams and I treated myself with a nice home cooked food.

This is when I realized different colors of vegetable and how yummy they look, how they turn into a different color when cooked or fried. How a combination of different spices adds to the taste. Mouth watering flavors...and seasoning your food adds to your own aesthetic sense. Cutting vegetables is such a nice stress buster ;-).

Well with this my new job of being a chef at my home restaurant I find 24 hours in a day not sufficient to juggle between a job that pays, a dog that is 3 months old and a life that runs at the speed of time :-p.

Name is Shah Ruh Khan

Well, what dragged me to watch this movie? Its the name Shah Ruh Khan. I like him for the person he is, for his smarts, for his wit, for his success. I enjoyed few of his movies for his acting. To name some...ah there are many romantic comedies by him which every girl/ guy would not have missed in their teenage. He proved that he could be a serious actor too in movies like Swadesh, Chak De India. I enjoyed every interview of his aired on television. So I see this interview with Shah Ruh Khan in the month of Feb with respect to "My  Name is Khan" and wanted to watch the movie.

Shah Ruh Khan should have made a better judgment in choosing the roles. He tried his best to act as a person who suffers with Autism. But he sounded so funny and ridiculous in this movie. To me entire movie seemed like a joke. I have read many reviews on this movie where a comparison is made with movies like New York etc. But those movies are far better in conveying the message. There is a set theme for the movie. But this one fails in doing so. This is more like a story of a person whose name is Khan, who is suffering from Autism. But nothing about being a Muslim and facing the unjustness, living in US, post 9/11 event.

To put it other way, this movie looks like a parody or some kinda spoof. Music is not good either. I expected some kinda cheesy humor as it is a Karan Johar movie, but none :-(. This is no entertainment at all unless you watch it as a Spoof movie, at which you could probably laugh at.

Also postes @ http://www.mouthshut.com/review/My_Name_is_Khan-186895-1.html

Bon Apetit

I wanted to watch every movie of Meryl Streep, since I saw her movies "Bridges of Madison Country" & "The Devil Wears Prada". This movie caught my attention when I learnt that Meryl Streep won Golden Globe award for her performance. Another movie in which both Amy Adams & Meryl Streep have acted together, and which I liked is "Doubt". Amazing performances by both the actors. Meryl Streep introduced Amy Adams to me, and now am fan of Amy Adams too :-).

Coming to the story line, Julie is a normal woman who once tried to be a writer and failed in pursuing writing as her career. She is working for Government, hates her job. But has a wonderful patient husband who is an editor. Cooking is something that she enjoys in her otherwise boring, disappointing life. She says, "You know what I love about cooking? I love that after a day when nothing is sure,and when I say "nothing" I mean nothing,you can come home and absolutely know that if you add egg yolks to chocolate  and sugar and milk,it will get thick. It’s such a comfort.".

She is right we all seek certainty at the end of the day. And she found that through cooking and writing. She is inspired by Julia Child’s book and sets herself a target to blog about 524 recipes in 365 days. She says she probably needs a deadline, "otherwise it will be like everything else I do".
Film runs in two time periods. Julia Child’s life set in 1940’s in Paris and Julie Powell’s Life set in the current century. This movie is based on the true stories of Julia Child and Julie Powell.

This movies shows how a ordinary woman caught up in life, explores her interest in cooking and writing which changes her life. How she treats Julia as her mentor in both cooking and life though they have never met.

I love the scene when Julie starts crying lying on the kitchen floor when her cooking does not happen as planned...just like a kid. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie very much.

PS: I have no idea if husbands like Paul Child and Eric Powell are in reality, but every girl would like to have such a supporting husband :-).

Weekend Gyan :)

I have been a person who always fought against the destiny. I am not sure if I succeeded or not, cause people tend to say that this IS your destiny and that is why you could be here. I never believed in luck, fate, destiny until late, when everything in my life seemed to be a play written by someone else and that am forced to enact my life.

But one thing I realized is "accepting life the way it is". Let me tell you that this IS NOT a loser's attitude. Its just what you do when you get wiser. Not everything in life is worth fighting for. Sometimes its ok to let it go, ok to accept the inevitability and move on with your life. That does not mean you are a failure, or that you did not get what you wanted. May be something better is waiting to happen, and its absolutely fine to let the past go by. Hanging on to things or past is the worst that a person can do to themselves.

NO ONE or NOTHING is worth your happiness, your life. Live peacefully, happily and be good to the people around you as much as you can and life will all be FINE.

Accept the inevitable.

Strange Pairings

This is copy paste of an article posted in "The Week" magazine dated Decemeber 8, 2008. I liked it enough to post it here on my blog.

Vodka 'n' Pani Puri

This is culinary equivalent of the desi babu-gori mem hit jodi. He is street born and proud of a pedestrian bearing that makes him sharp, spicy and a survivor. She traces her heritage to snowy Russian steppes, which make her cool. fluid and spirited. He is aspirational, and she is assimilative. You couldn't have found a more unlikely combination than pani puri and vodka.

The marriage, solemnized some years ago in five-star climes, was the creation of an F&B team seeking to tickle taste taste buds. Perhaps, even they didn't expect the pairing to become an enduring hit.

For years, vodka pani puri remained in the elite confines of exclusive eateries. But of late, the couple has jauntily stepped out, and is basking in the admiration it receives wherever it goes.

The duo made an international debut in New York, and is established fare at some of the Indian eateries there. They'are also creating waves at a dhaba in suburban Mumbai now.

"There are different version of vodka pani puri", says Santosh Jori, executive chief of Mumbai's Le Meridien. A continental approach is to use cherry tomatoes and mozzarella cheese as filling, then dipped into the pani, and munched along with a shot of vodka.

But the bestseller is the one is which the tangy pani is spiked with a liberal dash of vodka and spicy chaat filling are used. The sharpness of the alcohol blends easily with the tamarind water, causing a surprising implosion of tastes and flavours.

Now, what does vodka have that the other spirits don't? Perhaps, it's because vodka is a smooth operator. It's light and doesn't have a strong odour, which also makes it acceptable as a ladie's drink. Rum is too robust, whiskey too male. Beer is all froth.

Wine has too much of attitude about its own flavours, and doesn't lend itself to cocktail style mix and matches. Vodka doesn't take away the essence of the pani puri, but rather augments it. Vodka is an invader and a conqueror. Remember that martinis were once made of gin, and vodka entered the scene only as a vodkatini.

That is appropriated the martini itself is typical of the élan with which vodka expands its horizons. No wonder even James Bond endorsed it.

As a food writer Rashmi Uday Singh once noted, when two foods are paired, they could either scuttle each other's individualities or live in peaceful co-existence.

Only when two flavours combine to create a kick that's better than what you get from the individual foods does the pairing reach epicurean heights. Vodka pani puri one such rare combo. But then, don't take our word for it, go get a mouthful. Hic!

Que Sera Sera

I watched 'Marley & Me' movie this year in Feb. Since then I have no idea how many times I have seen this movie. I am not a pet-lover. But today I have five Gold fish and a Labrador Retriever. My Marley is named Leo. Yes this movie or book tells you about the most loyal friend in life. Who does not want one such companion? I ordered this book online the day I got Leo. While reading this book, every time I smiled, every time a tear rolled I wanted to hug Leo.

This book is based on John Grogan's[ the author] personal experiences with his 'worlds-worst' dog. He talks about inevitability in life, finiteness of life, yet how to be optimistic about all of it. Author says that the true master was his dog who taught him this. It moves you in many ways, that you would not know the reason for your tears...its funny and at the same time touchy. Its a story of unconditional love, patience and eternal optimism in life.


Marley is the craziest, unruly, dog, yet he is bigger than life. Most of the times it has been only a pain-in-the-ass to the author and his family. Grogan describes how Marley was part of every moment in his life. How he has been there always, yet not noticed, not missed till he is no more part of their lives. To Marley, life is to be lived  to the fullest. All it knows is to love life and enjoy every moment as though it cant get any better. In his farewell  column author, acknowledges that even a worlds-worst dog can teach life’s best lessons.

 "...things that really mattered in life? I believed it was. Loyalty. Courage. Devotion. Simplicity. Joy. And the things  that did not matter, too. A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbols mean nothing to him. A water logged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but  by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote this farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners and pure intentions to help us see."

Last few chapters in which Marley fights his age and health issues are very emotional. Our pets cannot live longer than we do is a hard to accept fact. At the end, I cannot really decide on who is to be appreciated, a man who loves his animal with such undeterred love and patience or Marley, a man's best friend, who has such passion for life, impeccable loyalty and devotion to its master.

This IS NOT a book just for animal lovers. And I promise this book would definitely put a smile on your face.

By the way Title of this post means "Whatever will be, will be" in Spanish, and in case you are wondering what it has got to do with this review, you gotta read the book ;-).

This review is also posted at MouthShut.

The heart, moods and... life!

From the blog An Attempt on Rational Creativity!

"Listen to your heart. I'm sure you've heard that said so many times before. But here's some philosophy around why you should... During life, we go through our share of experiences. We start to form a sequence of one event turning into another. We take actions, and we see their results. We have people who'll support us, people who'll blame us, and people who just don't care. No matter whether what, good or bad, happens, there's only one thing that you can always be satisfied about... that you did what your heart told you, because that's the one thing that has built out of your own experience... because you had a sense of what was the best way to react. And nobody can ever promise you that they are sure what the results would have been if you had done things some other way. But always learn from your own decisions and their consequence. It'll help you when you listen to your heart the next time."

Self-Assurance

Self-Assurance is similar to self-confidence. In the deepest part of you, you have faith in your strengths. You know that you are able — able to take risks, able to meet new challenges, able to stake claims, and, most important, able to deliver. But Self-Assurance is more than just self-confidence. Blessed with the theme of Self-Assurance, you have confidence not only in your abilities but in your judgment. When you look at the world, you know that your perspective is unique and distinct. And because no one sees exactly what you see, you know that no one can make your decisions for you. No one can tell you what to think. They can guide. They can suggest. But you alone have the authority to form conclusions, make decisions, and act. This authority, this final accountability for the living of your life, does not intimidate you. On the contrary, it feels natural to you. No matter what the situation, you seem to know what the right decision is. This theme lends you an aura of certainty. Unlike many, you are not easily swayed by someone else’s arguments, no matter how persuasive they may be. This Self-Assurance may be quiet or loud, depending on your other themes, but it is solid. It is strong. Like the keel of a ship, it withstands many different pressures and keeps you on your course.

Fanatic

Got 3 long weekends. Sep 19th, Sep 26th and Octt 2nd. Everyone asks what did you do over the weekend? Well Sep 19th weekend was great. I finalized on my house hunt, got a beautiful house which meets all my requirements with a very good deal on rent and deposit. Had 3 dates in a single day. Visited Sri Sri Ravi Shankar Art of Living Aashram [ not for the purpose the place is intended for, but just to pay a visit ]. It was a very nice experience though. Could a weekend be any better?

Sep 26th weekend, watched 13 movies back to back,

• Angels and Demons
• Falling in Love
• Phantom of the Opera
• Waitress
• The Love Guru
• The Eye
• Bring It On
• Chicago
• Doubt
• Mr and Mrs Smith
• Marrief Life
• Center Stage part 1 & 2

 There's no common genre among these movies. No idea how I ended up downloading these last week. But all I did over 3 days of a long weekend was to watch them, as a high priority project with deadlines :-p. Not sure when was the last time I worked so sincerely on any project. Yeah work is something that am not enjoying these days. I hate my job ;-(.


So whats in store for the coming long weekend of Oct 2nd???

Mom

Stepmom - God!!! Could any movie be better than this!!! I love this movie so much. Am sorry for myself to have missed this movie till now. But am glad that now it adds to my collection of movies :-).

I love the scene where Ben asks Isabel to have Coco that he prepared, reads a bed time story to her. When she falls asleep he runs to her sister saying that he killed her. Its so funny, sweet and naive. I love the innocence a kid has :-). Its so beautiful.

Passion

Every person will have a passion or rather should have a passion in ones life. I realized mine...DANCE! Yes this is one thing which makes me extremely happy. One thing which I enjoy doing and would never get tired or bored of. I am sure I will want to keep dancing till the end.

I joined dance classes at my office[ had joined Salsa classes way back in 2006 @ Steps Inst. in HYD ] in the month of May, 2009. Completed 3 levels so far. Salsa, Samba, Jive and Cha cha. My dance teacher is Mridual Martis. Samba and Jive are very lively and easy when compared to Salsa. I do not like Cha Cha Cha though. I want to learn Tango :-) after watching 'Scent of a Woman' tango scene.

Have been watching all dance movies lately. So far this is my collection,

• Dance With Me
• Dirty Dancing 
• Dirty Dancing - Havana Nights
  
• Shall We Dance
• Bring It On
• Center Stage
• Center Stage - Turn It Up
• Step Up 1 & 2
  
• The Turning Point

Among these 'The Turning Point', 'Dance With Me', 'Shall We Dance' are my favorites.

In the last 8 months I have been happy for 2 reasons - Dance & Driving my i10 :-). Hoping to have more reasons to be happy in the days to come.

The Deeps

What's in a name??? I would say lots.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about the name "The Deeps",

'the name given to the Salt Water, and means "The Mother of All Life", (from Sumerian "Ti" = Life, "Ama" = Mother)'

Deeps just means an Ocean, and yes I named this blog by this name, which is also my nickname. My life is no different from an ocean. 

        Life is like an Ocean covered by waves,
        some bring joy others destruction,
        some bring peace others commotion,
        And many men are like fish
        except they have less control
        over the direction in which they swim

        Why? Did I hear you ask?

        Cause many men allow themselves
        to be tossed from side to side
        by every wave of philosophy, trend,
        Idea, belief, doctrine
        perhaps man needs to take a good look
        at what these waves have to offer

        and not take them at their face value.
        Those who rise above the waves
        are those who look to see which wave
        would work for them and that which would
        work against them
       

        Life is like an ocean full of dreams
        some come true and others don’t
        And every man is a source of dreams
        that fill the ocean of life
        just as the rain is the source of water to
        the ocean

        Every man is free to dream
        but only a few see his dreams come true
        Why? Did I hear you ask?
        Cause it takes nothing to dream
        but it costs a man everything
        to make he’s dream come true,

        it takes faith; the evidence of things
        unseen
        and a man risks being called a fool
        while in pursuit of making he’s dream a
        reality,
        no one it seems believes a dream that

        eventually comes true
        because the dream is always bigger than
        he that dreams it
        and remember your dream is no dream
        except its bigger than everything you stand
        for.

       
       
        Life is like an Ocean
        full of good and evil as you pass through
        you are bound to be hurt by the sharks of life
        and maybe you’ll meet a friendly dolphin or two
        the former is more likely than the latter

        Why? Did I hear you say?
        Cause Love is defined by hate,
        good by evil and I suppose vice versa.
        How do you know what is right if nothing
        is wrong?
        How do you learn not to take for granted

        the things that matter to you the most if
        you’ve never been hurt?
       
        That’s why life is like an Ocean,
        some times its at peace other times
        it's raging like a storm

        But life is only what you make it to be.
        Take the bad with a pinch of salt,
        don’t beat yourself too hard for mistakes
        you’ve made
        there is always another chance
        so make sure you take it

        you just might be able to make
        what’s wrong better if not right.
        Life is like an ocean
        sometimes troubled sometimes calm
        whatever state yours might be in
        wait and be still cause the rough
        would eventually be followed by the
        smooth,and weeping followed by joy

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna...

Hmmm…long time since I blogged. Not because I have nothing to blog, but because I was afraid of writing few of my thoughts transforming them to words, which are solid. Which would exist in future. I have had days when I had no time at all for myself, and I had days when I was all by myself. But wherever you are, whatever you do, with whomever you are, mind doesn’t stop thinking, thoughts doesn’t stop flooding your mind. At least in my case I cannot keep my mind still. Even in the happiest moments, most peaceful moments I keep thinking. I can barely count on moments when I could think of nothing and stay calm. I wish they had lasted forever.

Well…I got this video song from one of my friends. I wasn’t in a mood to listen to this song. But I must admit this song goaded me in writing this. I am a person who lives more in the past. Not that my past has been great, but somehow past seems more true, more real.

How much we want to hold on to the past? How much we do not want to break the ties with the past and go on? How much painful it is to say “Goodbye”? Can this word be said with happiness to anyone or anything?

Tum ko bhi hai khabar
Mujhko bhi hai pata
Ho raha hai judaa
Dono ka raasta
Dur jaake bhi mujhse tum meri yaadon main rehna
Kabhi alvida na kehna
Kabhi alvida na kehna

Can we relieve our hearts of this longing for the past?

Samjha ke dekha behla ke dekha
Dil hai ki chain isko aata nahi


And yes, few things do not change with time.


Rut aa rahi hai Rut jaa rahi hai
Dard ka mausam badla nahi
Rang yeh halka itna hai gehra
Sadiyon main hoga halka nahi
Halka nahi
Kaun jaane kya hona hai
Hum ko hai ab kya kya sehna

If

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!""

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

What makes a hero?

I dunno how or why...but I developed a penchant for WAR movies like Schindler's List, The Painist, English Patient.The latest I watched are by Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima" and "Flags of Our Fathers". Iwo Jima...this adds one more to the list of places I want to visit someday and "Flags of Our Fathers" to my movie collection. Quoting last lines from the movie....

"I finally came to the conclusion that he maybe he was right. Maybe there's no such thing as heroes. Maybe there are just people like my dad. I finally came to understand why they were so uncomfortable being called heroes. Heroes are something we create, something we need. It's a way for us to understand what's almost incomprehensible, how people could sacrifice so much for us, but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country but they died for their friends. For the man in front, for the man beside him, and if we wish to truly honor these men we should remember them the way they really were, the way my dad remembered them"

This movie is not based on the usual myth about heroism nor is it a patriotic movie. It indeed is a true story of 3 war survivors who are given undue credit, though the three do not beleive in themselves being heros. Its about the harsh reality and how its portrayed.

This kept me thinking..."what makes a hero?"

Fading colors...

I had been to my hometown to attend my college alumni on saturday. It was great!!! All my friends returned back on the same day. But I stayed back thinking that I would spend some time with Dad, Grama n my brother. But to my disappointment my home was helter-skelter. There was some painting work goin on and it was all dusty, haywire.

I cursed myself for not going back to bangalore with my friends. There was no place to sit, couldn't watch TV, I could not even invite my friends home. I kept complaining for half the day.

Then came the artist in me. Since my childhood I enjoyed looking at the construction work[ this is why I was compelled to read the novel "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand]. After a long day at school, Dad used to take me to the construction site of our house and I was amazed looking at how within few months a stranded place is transformed into such a sweet place to live in. I enjoyed looking at pottery, painting. So I picked up a brush and started painting my home...and it was such a fun. I was totally engrossed in it. I was part of the chaos but I loved it. I was thinking this is how life is! So when you find yourself in chaos and a messy situation, check your primises[ as Ayn Rand says so] and see if you can be part of that chaos and enjoy it and go through it. Its time I need to repaint fading colors of my life.


Hmmm...another year passes by...everyone is busy planning for their new year parties and am here blogging...but no regrets...last year I had a blast, next year I would have a blast [ hopefully with someone special]...lemme enjoy it with my MOM this year!

For All We Know...

Life indeed brings many surprises...but how about these surprises being pleasant, sweet and memorable?

"Meeting a stranger in your life for a short period unexpectedly, who changes your life forever even before you know. You may not be together or may not meet again but you are left musing on their thoughts". Am talking about two romantic movies a recent bollywood movie "Jab We Met" and a Hollywood movie "Bridges of Madison County", which share the same plot of meeting a stranger by chance and falling in love with them. Aren't people in love crazy? But madness is sometimes a bliss. Wouldn't life be boring otherwise? What I liked most about them is they aren't usual mushy love stories, they are simple, cute and sweet, and convincing stories.

W00t...Iowa shown in Bridges and Madison County movie, is added to my list of places to visit...wow such a calm, serene place. I hope someday I would visit these bridges of madison county!!

[Lyrics of few songs in Bridges of Madison County]
...
For All We Know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
...

...
In a world of glitter and glow
In a world of tinsel and show
The unreal from the real thing is hard to know
...

[ Dialogs from Bridges of Madison County]
Francesca: And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.

Francesca: When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you.

Robert: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert Kincaid: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

Robert Kincaid: In this world of ambiguity, such kind of certainity comes once in a lifetime.

I could not stop listening to this song from Jab We Met...I would have played this song on and on umpteen number of times and am not bored yet!!!

Aaoge Jab Tum - Jab We Met (2007)

Movie : Jab We Met
Music Director: Pritam Chakraborty, Sandesh Shandilya
Singer: Ustad Rashid Khan


Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Naina tere kajrare
Naino pe hum dil hare hai
Anjane hi tere naino ne
Waade kiye kaie saare hai
Saanso he leher madam chale
To tu kahe barsega saawan
indicine.com
Barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Chanda ko uta lakho mein
Yeh zindagi tere haton mein
Palko pe jil mil tare hai
Aana bahri barsato mein
indicine.com
Sapno ka jahan
Hoga khila khila
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Be Resilient

An article by Eknath Easwaran - Be resilient, open minded and adaptable to the experiences that we encounter over the sands of time.

A tremendous amount of vital energy is squandered in the vacillation of the mind as it swings towards what it likes and away from what it dislikes. When we are caught up in likes and dislikes, in strong opinions and rigid habits we cannot work at our best and also find ourselves very insecure. At the mercy of external circumstances, if things go our way we are elated, if things do not go our way, we get depressed. It is only the mature person, who is not conditioned by compulsive likes and dislikes, habits and opinions – is really free in life. Such people are truly spontaneous.

Nothing in life is more satisfying than to be able to change our likes and dislikes when we need to. In fact, any one who has mastered this skill has mastered life and if not then they are a victim of life. When someone says “I like it so I’m going to do it” it’s a confession that, that person is not free, they are bound and have no choice. This is our conditioning, we have always been encouraged to only do the things we like doing.

People who have strong likes and dislikes find life very difficult; they are as rigid as if they had only one bone. Such people cannot bend, and if they are compelled to bend they can only break. As the Ganges flows down from the Himalayas, it uproots big trees and carries them down to the plains. A sage noticed this and asked the river “How is it that you tear out these huge trees and yet leave the willow and the reed and the tall grasses that grow by your banks?”

The Ganges replied, “The pine tree does not know how to bend. It stands rigid and won’t move out of my way, so I pull it out by the root and take it with me down to the sea. But these willows and reeds and grasses bend when I come; they do not resist me. I sing through them and leave them intact.” Just like grasses if we learn to bend too, we will find ourselves singing through life.

We can all learn to develop resilience. We can make ourselves like that Japanese doll called the ‘daruma doll’, which has a rounded base and is weighted in such a way that when you push it over, it springs back up. You can hold it down as long as you like but as soon as you take your hand away, it jumps back up again. This is the kind of resilience we can all cultivate. Whenever life tries to knock down people with this kind of precious quality, they are able to spring back; they have lost every trace of rigidity.

We should cultivate this faculty of using every rocky impediment as one more step in the ladder of our success. By sticking to our likes and dislikes, do’s and don’ts, hang-ups, bias, we only embrace rigidity; rigidity is a synonym of death. Let life flow through us with its giggling gush and make us as flexible to nourish with its vitalities, to enrich with its lessons, to sign with gaiety, as the lowly grass on the banks. Let every bit of life fill us with serenity, simplicity and beauty of its own. Let us empty ourselves of our likes and dislikes, so that life can fill us with the heavenly bliss.

Man in the Mirror

By Anonymous poet

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.

You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.

Patterns...

Its very strange how life unfolds...they say history repeats, and yes it is true in my life. I see the same patterns repeating in my life with time. Same situations to face, but with different people, at different times. But yes my take on them though differs with time. I left Bangalore in 2004 and moved to Hyderabad. I hated myself a lot for doing so. I was missing Bangalore a lot and was finding it next to impossible to get adjusted in Hyderabad. Now am back in Bangalore in 2007. But strangely am missing Hyderabad and now I find it difficult to live here in Bangalore.

And with people, there are times when I feel that am the only person on this planet and sometimes am swamped with so many friends around me. Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I want to be part of that chaos, fun and frolic. When I think back, I wonder why it had to happen, and what was it intended for! Somehow, time has passed, people have changed and I realize that few things get close to the heart as memories, though I wished few things for not to have had happened.

I live so much in the past, that even when history repeats it hardly is noticeable to me ;-)

Life isn't read...

I wish Life was like a book which could be read and understood. Its been a long time since I picked up a book and finished reading it. Read many stories, auto-biographies, blogs...but everyone's life is different and its a mystery that cannot be solved. I personally have learnt a lot from my travails of life. Life is so complicated that it cannot be caught in a book.

Life isnt something to be read, not something to comprehend, not something to be learnt, nor something to be solved. Life is just to be experienced.

How Time bewitches?

I remember my school and college days...how passionate I was about life...about learning new things...about creating things. That is what I wanted to do...but never did I give a thought on what I want to be? Are "What you wanna do" and "What you wana be", two different questions that lead to two different paths? I never thought about being employed. I always wanted to create things...that leave you with a sense of satisfaction, things that are "yours", things that reflect your thoughts, your views, your skils, your values.

Today when I look back, is this what I have been doing past 4 years of my career? To the world I may be into those one of luckiest fields where you can mint money, where you can enjoy the luxuries that your parents have only dreamt of, where your first salary is more than what your DAD is earning at his retirement stage, where you enjoy the benifits of technology, hi-fi social life, marked lifestyle, meeting as many people as u can from different cultures, travelling places on business on the company epxenses....and it goes on!

Rest apart all my dreams, passions leave me perplexed and dejected. Feeling helpless. Choked in a messy situation not knowing where it leads to. Life may bring you many luxuries, but the greatest of the luxury or comfort is realizing one's dreams. But somehow I seem to have lost that passion, courage to dream, risk, explore...left with a sense of helpnessness. What has changed? Time or I?

Salsa!

Finally I joined Salsa last saturday! There have been many changes in my life in the last one year. Many things learnt and unlearnt. Joined Institute de Fancaise to learn French. Had this urge of learning dance since a long time and yes I joined Steps Institue for Salsa classes. Well it did not excite me much though. French classes were real fun! Early morning classes, assignments....feeling like a student all again! Feel good experience!

But Salsa....yes its just 2 classes that I attended, but its not all that fun and excitement. Lets see how I feel about it if I continue the classes, by the end of 3 months from now ;)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
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a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
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a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
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a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?