Guilt, Remorse or Pity

I know many of kids who want to be like their parents, a girl wanting to be like her MOM, a guy wanting to be like his Dad. Trying to imitate them, trying to imbibe their ideologies, mannerisms thinking that one day you would just be like them. This is the case of child with ‘Successful parents’. Successful in terms of financial or social status. Although this definition of being a successful parent is going to be redefined by me by the end of this post.

Bygone:

Am no different from being an ordinary person who wants to fit in the norms of society expectations. To me society is my friends acquaintances, so-called relatives.  Well that's pretty much a society for anyone isn’t it. Well am just being polite to myself from not identifying myself with those who worry about the judgment of every person they meet. Anyways, like any other struggling  middle class person, I hated my parents many a times. Be honest! Am sure each of us have gone through this. Each of us have judged our parents. I always wanted to be a better parent than my parents to my future kids. To give them everything that my parents did not give me. Most of these being not buying me that favorite dress or doll, not giving enough pocket money etc.  I always thought my DAD is a failure. With so many troubles that he faced in his life, I simply used to think that its his stupidity to land himself in those situations. That he is not smart enough.  I promised myself many a times that I am not going to be like him ever. And my MOM worries for every little thing.  And so many times I avoided discussing a problem with her just because she would compound my worries. But little did I realize what they have given me. A LIFE. An Identity of what I am today. The comfort that I get whenever I know that my MOM is worried for me. Knowing that she is there to cry with me. And that she is the only person on earth who would always, ALWAYS wish for my better.

Now:

Daddy visited  me last weekend.  I had to drop him at a bus stop on my way to office this Wednesday. We both got into my car.  For some reason, I was feeling very awkward.  Cause he is leaving? Cause I could not be a Son who could drop him at the Bus Station?  I myself have the luxury of a car to go to office but let him take a public transport to Bus Station? I could not think much on this as I had to concentrate on driving.

Finally his bus stop comes and he gets down. I hated myself to say ‘bye’ to Daddy. To wave him and say happy journey. I did not meet his eyes.  AS I was at the signal I could stop the car and see him in the rare view mirror. Poor man, walking all alone, by himself, with a bag on his shoulder that is weighing him down with burdens of the present, struggles of the past,  limitations of the age.  How could I comfortably sit in a car and watch him walk by?! I suddenly felt he is old. Time is such a bitch that it shows the meanness of life sooner or the later. He is not the same Daddy who was so strong, on whose shoulders I climbed, not the same Daddy who rough hands hurt my cheeks when he slapped me, whose strong arms held me when I was scared. I felt so sorry for him. Man who has ran through all the milestones of his life, is now walking with his bent shoulders.

I am not sure if it was guilt not being able to return back what he has given to me, or pity to see my father as a failure or hatred towards me to see him as a failure in the first place, that made me cry. Only words that came out of my mouth were “Daddy, I am so sorry”. I wish he had heard those words that am relieved from this pain. I wish I had ran back to him, gave him a big hug.

Now and Forever:

I proudly say that I have the worlds best parents. For giving us life, for making us what we are, for teaching us how important it is to be a human to actually SEE THE LIFE, FEEL THE LIFE AND LIVE THE LIFE.

You are the most successful parents  that we had, have and will have. FOREVER.

I love you Daddy, I love you MOM. I am proud and wish to be as selfless a person as each of you are.