Wait - Get set go

Buhbye 2011, Welcome 2012

Been Happy


Year 2011. It indeed was a good year per se. I joined PDS, had a great accomplishments at career, got promoted, bought a flat. Well, why do I always talk first about work?! Well, that's the only thing which has never put me down, which never disappointed me. At personal front, still a single and I have no regrets about that. I have never been this happy before. I really am happy. Proof, I am 3 kgs over-weight. Never in my life did I exceed my ideal BMI index. I continued my aerobics classes. Started learning Japanese language. Personally I have grown so much this year. I have become so detached, independent. 

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear


Prior to this any small issue in profession or personal life, I had to call up someone and talk over it. Not just one call or one person. It went on till the problem got solved. Most of the times it was not even a problem. So, thanks to all those people who could bear listening to my gibber. So I learnt that all I had to do was just sleep over the matter. Talking or cribbing really never helped. It only augmented my anxiety. On the other side keeping calm did help me through the matters. I just had to wait and watch and things got resolved on their own or rather most of the times they needed no resolution at all. This is a great improvement in my personality. And this meant cutting off those people from my life whom I used to call up for each and every silly thing. I am not rude, am not an opportunist nor this means in-gratitude. It was good for me and for them.


Forget and Forgive

I had taken a major[really?] decision at the beginning of this year which needed lot of courage. And I could come through it. Initial few months were hell and man I can only thank you, GOD, Fate or whoever or whatever it is, for where I am. For giving me that courage to face the situation. 

I crib very less these days. I have a perfect schedule that keeps me busy, that keeps me energetic. I know how to keep me active, how to keep me happy. Sometimes I am so happy that I do not want anything to change. And that is when marriage topic scares the hell out of me. At this point I really am not sure if I really need someone to live with for a lifetime.


There is one person on this earth whom I can never ever forgive and nothing can change this. But surprisingly am able to forget and move on. I am not whiny anymore. I am not letting anyone take my precious time to make me feel sorry for myself or to get angry. I had a great birthday this time unlike last year. Life has always blessed me with good people around me. Touch wood.

Two Great Personalities I Got To Know

Charles Chaplin

Well, am still a movie buff. I was watching Iron Man series. Liked Robert Downye Jr. and started watching all his movies. One among those is "Chaplin" movie based on Charles Chaplin book "My Autobiography". Somehow, I missed all these geniuses before. Charles was such a versatile person who was into acting, music composing, directing, writing. He really was a genius. It is such a hard task to make people laugh. As a person he was flawed but he was great at what he did and what he gave to the world.

Steve Jobs

Yes, I still read books. I really hate biographies or non-fictions. I could not get myself to complete any non-fiction books. But wow. Kudos to Walter Isaacson. Biography of "Steve Jobs" is an awesome book and my second bible [ after Fountainhead]. And Steve is GOD. What I liked in both Charles or Steve is they loved their work more than anything else in the world. They lived on their success at work. It was the fuel that kept them going. They really were passionate people who stood up for what they saw the world as. Which is also a nature of mine and many think am a workaholic, that I take my job too seriously.

All in all thank you and goodbye 2011. Welcome 2012.

Steve Jobs

I think Steve Jobs is the first human being whom I adore, worship and whom I treat as a GOD. I wonder how all these days I thought he is just another college drop out with a lucky streak. Reading his Biography by Walter Isaacson and am obsessed with him these days.Sad that he is not alive anymore, otherwise my lifetime goal would have been to meet him someday.

Half way through the book and hats off to the author who could capture evolution of computers, graphics, who could make a biography so interesting for a fiction-lover like me. Steve Jobs is so real. Steve Jobs is GOD :-) Words fail to say all of what I want to say about him, hopefully by the end of the book I will be able to write a good blog on him? Would I?

Stuffed Aloo-Methi Paratha

Ingredients:

Aloo-Methi Stuffing

For Parathas
Wheat flour
Oil
 
For the stuffing
Boiled potatoes                             - 3
Fenugreek (Methi) leaves                - 1 set
Green Chillies, finely chopped           - 2
Chopped Onion                              - 1
Chilly powder                                - 1/4  teaspoon
Coriander leaves , finely choppes     - 1/2 set
Turmeric powder                           - 1/4 teaspoon
Salt to taste

Preparation
1. Prepare the paratha dough and keep it aside for 20-30 mins.
2. Heat 2 teaspoons of oil. Add green chillies and onion. Add a pinch of salt and turmeric powder to this and let it fry for 5 mins.
3. Add methi leaves chilli powder and let ti saute for 2 mins.
4. Mash the boiled potatoes, add the above mixture to this. You can add garama masala powder ( 1/2 teaspoon) if you wish. Add coriander leaves and salt per your taste.

Stuffed Aloo-Methi Paratha

5. Make lemon sized balls with the dough.
6. Roll these balls to a small sized chapathi. Make sure that the edges are thinner than the center. Place a small ball of the stuffing in the center. Bring the edges to the center to cover the stuffing.
7. Roll this to make a paratha.
8. Heat a pan and fry the paratha with oil at medium heat.

TRUST - A Movie Review

Trust, movie by David Schwimmer. Yes all time top ten  TV Series FRIENDS actor, fondly known as Ross Geller. He is the director of this film and he has done a great job. I knew he is talented actor and he proved it as a director as well.

This movie is recommended for many teenagers who are so caught up with Internet chatting. I would say this movie is not only for a teenager but every girl who has been tricked and fooled. Whose trust has been abused. For every girl who trusts, believes in people thinking that the world is a better place. Who has been emotionally and/ or physically abused.

Annie is 14 yrs old. She is not a stupid foolish girl. She is smart, confident and courageous. She is good at what she does. It is shown many a times in the movie that she loves volleyball and that she is a star player, who is treated dependable by her coach. Yet like any other girl, she  has to face the crude reality of life. She is assaulted and exploited sexually by a stranger on the Internet.  For only sin that she committed. Yes sin of trusting. A guy she meets online in a chat room tricks her with manipulative talk and involves her in sex. She is raped. Yes even though it happens with her consent it is treated as a rape when Annie herself realizes that he used her to have sex with her.

This film talks about trust. Inevitability of not being able to protect your loved ones. The agony that parents go through when they have failed in keeping their children safe and protected. The angst, rage that a Father goes through against the one who has hurt his little  girl. About how to deal with the child who is hurt.  And most importantly about how to stop whining over what is not in our control and how to be there to pick our loved ones when they fall.

It takes a while for Annie to realize that she has been tricked. Eventually she accepts it and tries to cope with life, though she knows that her life has changed for ever and it is never going to be the same again. Facing her friends her college, her family members who are sympathetic to her which only makes it hard for her to forget what has happened to her.

My favorite scene is towards the end when Annie's father played by Clive Owen, break down saying that he has failed in protecting his child. He is constantly obsessed with finding the  accused, tracing him. He imagines/ dreams of killing him. He even starts chatting on chat rooms as a young girl to trace this guy. Film captures all these emotions so beautifully. Clive Owen has done justice to his role as a protective father. Great performance by Liana Liberato( Annie ) and him.

This film does not offer justice to the damaged life's/ family. This does not give the vengeance that is deserved by the victims. It actually ends with a scene where in the pedophile is shown as a happily married, having and kid, yeah being a father himself. That's life. That is merciless world.

Pros: Direction by David Schwimmer, Performances by Clive Owen and Liana Liberato.
Cons: None I could think of

Learning

Hiragana

 

I was fascinated by french sometime back. Today, it is Japanese. I have a colleague at work ( Business Analyst - Shin Ohkura ), who is Japanese. I am very impressed by his working style. That added to the Anime( Japanese) movies that am watching lately got me interested in Japanese Culture. I have ordered few classic Japanese novels ( translated to English) which are yet to arrive.

Learning the language itself stems from watching this movie - "5 Centimeters Per Second". Such a brilliant movie. So poetical. So real. Reading English subtitles I wanted to know what those mean in Japanese. In the native language. So I started learning Japanese. I wanted to pursue this as a serious avocation. I tried to contact few schools in Bangalore. But to no avail.

So I started learning it online. I have finished learning Hiragana, Katakana Alphabet. I easily can write a spoken word in Japanese using these Alphabet. I can also read a word that is written with this alphabet. Yet to learn Kanji which seems difficult at this moment. I felt the same looking at Hiragana 2 days back.

Katakana

 

Learning is something I enjoy very much. I love to learn new things. Just that it has to catch my interest. Not sure if this exercise of learning Japanese is also going to go down the hill like French. Hope not.

I was searching for desktop or online tools to practice more of what I learnt. Then I landed on this site LiveMocha.com. They link you with another person who knows the language that you are learning so that you both can converse and know the culture/ language.

So while I was browsing this website I see a pop up. A chat window from a total stranger on this site. It seems he is an Indian living in UAE and who is seeking friends. Friends on a language learning website? I am amazed at how guys try calculate your age by asking indirect questions :-P. Like, when did you complete your studies. Their rough estimate of graduation is 21 years. So if you say 2008 today, then you are 24 now. This guy asks me since when I am in Bangalore. And he was surprised or rather disappointed to know that am in Bangalore since 5 yrs. Not sure what his calculations told him. But his immediate next question was if I am married. I enjoy bashing these strangers online when they ask me such questions. How desperate men are! But well, I had registered with my original name and I was afraid to bash him ruthlessly. So I politely denied his so-called friendship request and escaped from this site.

But whole of this exercise of trying to learn something new, taking tests, writing down the alphabet which is the first thing I do as soon as I wake up in the morning, a guy hitting on you...makes me feel like a student all over again. I must admit it makes me feel young. Not young in terms of age, but young in terms of lightening up my heavy heart :-(. I love learning. Cause I am good at it. And when I evaluate myself at the end of each learning I feel good. The sense of accomplishment feels great. No wonder I loved being a student. No wonder why I was so happy in my college days.

My Recipe for Banana Cake

My whimsies continue...

I used to hate bananas. Until recently. Reason, my late night meetings which used to end at 12:30 in the midnight or 1 in the morning. After my meetings I used to feel damn hungry. Banana was the only food available at that time for me. So I thought of Banana cake. This has been my favorite since a long time. Since my Oracle days. The best banana cake I have ever eaten is from ICRISAT, Hyderabad.

Though I planned to cook Banana cake over the weekend, I could not wait till the weekend. Well, Friday evening, it IS a weekend. So here's my recipe for Banana cake.


Ingredients:

1. 2 Cups of All-purpose flour ( Maida)
2. 3/4 or 1 Cup of Sugar ( I don't like it if it is too sweet. Otherwise you can use 1 cup of Sugar )
3. 3/4 cup of Butter/ Ghee
4. 2 Egss
5. 2 ripe Bananas
6. 2 tbsp milk
7. 2 tbsp lemon juice
8.1 tbsp Baking Powder
9. 1 tbsp Baking Soda
10. Cinnamon or Ilaichi Powder for taste

Preparation:

 Mix ghee/ butter with Sugar. Add eggs to this and mix thoroughly. You can use a mixer for this purpose. Add milk, lemon juice to this. Add mashed bananas. Add baking powder, baking soda, and flour and stir well.

Once the mix is ready, apply butter to the pan and spread this mix in the pan evenly. Bake this using oven. It takes 45 mins for the cake to bake. So simple isn't it?

My Recipe for Mixed Vegetable Soup

Whimsical Me! I wanted to prepare two things today. One Banana Cake. Two a hot simmering yummy soup. I realized I do not have all the ingredients to prepare Banana cake. So I settled for Soup. Bangalore climate this afternoon suited perfectly for a hot cup of soup.

Anyways my recipe for Home Made Mixed Vegetable Soup.

Ingredients:

1. Potatoes (2)
2. Tomato (1)
3. Beans (6)
4. Onion (1)
5. Coriander leaves ( for garnishing )
6. Carrot (1)
7. Sweet Corn ( As you desire )
8. Cauliflower or Cabbage Leaves ( As you desire )
9. Ginger-Garlic paste ( 1 tbsp)
10. Garam Masala ( 1/2 tbsp )
11. Pepper Powder ( 1/4 tbsp )
12. Salt to Taste
13. Olive oil ( 2 tbsp )

Preparation:

1. Cut Potatoes, beans, carrot and tomato into two sets. One to boil which can be 1 inch pieces. Rest of them finely chopped.
2. Boil the big pieces with enough water. I used pressure cooker.
3. Peel off tomato skin. Grind all these boiled vegetables. Due to potato this gives a thick paste which we are going to use as stock for the soup.
4. Cut onions. Whichever shape or size you desire. Long, thin pieces or 1 cm square shaped small pieces.
5. Heat Olive oil. Saute the chopped onions in this oil.
6. Add ginger-garlic paste and let it fry till its raw smell is gone.
7. Add rest of the finely chopped vegetables and let them fry for few mins
8. Now add the grounded paste to this and 4 cups of water to this.
9. Add salt, garam masala.
10. For those who like it to be spicy add Pepper powder.
11. Let it boil for 5-10 mins till the vegetables are cooked enough.
12. Finally add coriander leaves and the soup is ready :-)

Alternate Life

When does your life start to split? You are an ambitious happy go-lucky person who is very enthusiastic about what life brings, and who is so optimistic and full of zest, who is very daring to dream. Who has so many plans of what to do, how to do, where to go, what to be etc. And suddenly you are this "I figured it all" person who seem to have understood life as in a complex system with boundaries. Who is calculative or pessimistic about every approach that you take. Who, to say, is just going with life. When does this happen? Or how does this happen? When do you start having two life's? After your college, when you have lost touch with those childhood/ college friends? After your first major trauma? After your first heartbreak? Once you start working?

Do you leave behind the life that you dreamt of and go on with the new life that you are obliged to live? Or do you have two separate life's one which is expected of you and one which you struggle to maintain in order to keep your sanity? No I am not talking about multiple personalities that people have with different people.

For some routine life of work, family, friends is life. Probably is the only life. For some their work like art, music, or any other profession which they  love and cherish is their life. Lucky ones. For some, there are two different life's. A secret life. Like an anonymous blogger, dance which they practice taking  time out of their routine life, writing, reading. For some this alternate life is also a life with a different set of people. Different set of friends.

To me this happened when I faced a family crisis for the first time in my life. Being an elder child whole responsibility was on me. That changed my life. That was when the split happened. I was no more cheerful, careless girl. I began to worry. I began to depend on people a lot. This took me away for a while from a life that I dreamt of. A life with no obligations, a life that is perfectly in my control. Life that involved art, travel, fun, friends, and writing. Even today to the people at my work, to my family am a successful woman who has come far. I am good or rather great at my routine job as a programmer having a steady successful promising career.

But this is not the life I dreamt of. I always wanted to be a student. A researcher. To study. To read. To know. I love reading. All this reading only made me more philosophical and pessimistic in my routine life. However, in my alternate life I still dream of impossibilities. I still believe that someday some miracle might happen and that I will find absolute bliss in what I am doing. My job as a programmer does make me high at times, but not always, because the kind of work that I get is decided by someone else. So in my alternate life I want to have a hobby or something to do which is totally under my control. Which I love doing. Which defines me. Which makes me feel the power of having your life under control. Which gives me hope. I tried blogging. I tried dance. I tried learning foreign language. I tried Photography. But I am unable to continue any of them. Not because I cannot take out time from my routine life. Not that I lack any inspiration or motivation. Books I read, movies I watch constantly motivate me. And I do have the fortitude to break free from the rut of routine. I do have friends or acquaintances who have these alternate life's where in they pursue their interests. Am glad to know their alternate life's. But I do not know what I miss.

May be someone who could appreciate all this? But isn't the point of having an alternate life is to keep you and only you happy. Is it not something that do only for you. Then what am I missing? Look at me, I have started this blog in 2003 and number of posts has not even hit 100. I understand that it is not about the numbers. But why do I loose track. Can I ever find a passion to life for?

Movies that inspire me, 

• Julie & Julia

Books that inspire me,

   

People whom I know personally who are successful in pursuing their dreams,

•  Kiran Kumar Kandi ( Photography ) 
• Smitha Narayanan Swami ( Arts) 
• Shiv ( Writing & Photography ) 
• Gilbert & Maria ( Writing and Art )

I will keep updating the above lists. I am sure they would keep growing.

Where do you put your trust?

For human beings Trust, Faith or Hope are essentials like air,water and earth. Life is such a complex thing, that we often face difficult situations. Situations might merely be difficult just because that is the first time you are facing it. So we fight, we struggle, we fail or we might succeed. All through this, what is the faith or belief that makes you fight for it? Whom or what do you trust in?

People. Do you go to your best friend? A family member? Or an expert in dealing with difficult situations? If your answer is yes, is your life not a result of the opinions of these people? Of what they think is success or failure? Is not your existence entirely dependent on these people? Can these people be really trusted? What happens when these people are no more in your life? Haven't we built a mental prison for ourselves in doing so?

Abilities. Would your abilities help you always? With your abilities you sure can control the damage but can you control what happens to you? Aren't most of the tough phases in life, which happen to us, are beyond our control. Take the biggest misfortunes like an accident, natural calamities to trivial day-to-day drama where you had been setup by evilness around. Is it lack of skills to overcome such situations or it's just a limitation that has let us down? No one is skilled to deal with more than what life has to offer him.

You.I believe only one person who totally understands you, who can think of nothing else but your good, and who will always be with you in the entire journey, and who would never give up on you, is only YOU. But isn't LIFE bigger than YOU, that putting all your trust in oneself, believing in oneself is not enough? Is this when you put your trust in the Almighty, a force which you believe is bigger than you,  that invisible force above all, called GOD?

God. If GOD is the answer, then how many of us have never failed? How many of us have a LIFE that is nothing but heaven? If the answer is not GOD, then where do you put your trust?
 

Dealing With Difficult People

I found this article on Financial Express News Paper dated May 2, 2011, Bangalore Edition. Author is Shweta Handa Gupta.

"In the school of life, difficult people are the faculty, They teach us our most important lessons, the lessons that we would be most unlikely to learn on our own"  - Mark I Rosen.

Difficult people are everywhere. At job, in personal life, at home. All around us. And this is the toughest challenge to face, if you are a person of mettle, character and who is not a second-hander [ Ayn Rand's definition of a second-hander ]. Dealing with such people is an emotionally draining process. I prefer to avoid such people and stay miles away from them. But many a times it just inevitable. This article explains on how to deal with such inevitability my seeing things through the other person's perspective, by not loosing your sanity and choosing your responses.

She goes on to explain how to try and understand the situation the Other person is put in, and why s/he is behaving in so-and-so manner. Each person's issue is a real problem to them. Like you, everyone has their own set of issues. In this light, do not be biased, and frame a negative opinion on the Other person based on a trivial negative trait about the Other person which is not of your liking. Trying to change the Other person is a dead end which will only result in aggravating the situation. 

Coming to One Self, there are people with whom you just do not get along, for many reasons. And if you are a person who does not want to be treated as a doormat, yet not get involved with these cheap tricks that others play on you, you may want to choose your responses. You may want to question yourself before you react.

• Am I taking personally something that is not specifically directed at me?
• Am I just trying to win the argument/ prove myself right? What do I gain out of winning this argument?
• Is it my rational brain or my ego that is driving me to this response? Will I actually feel satisfied if I win this fight?
• Will I be happy with my behavior at the end of this? Is this bringing out the worst in me and making me difficult to deal with too?
• Is this person always as negative as I believe him/ her to be? Can I think of some examples when this person has behaved differently from my negative perception?
• What do I feel when I think about this person? How do I behave when I am feeling this way? If I could let go of my negative emotions towards this person  how would I feel and behave? 

Article ends by quoting Einstein - "insanity is doing same thing over and over again and expecting different results". Si, if we want different outcomes to our interactions with different people, we need to focus on changing our responses and try to establish healthier patterns,

Trust

I have major trust issues. I cannot trust in people, situations or my fate. When it comes to trusting people, I do not trust anyone in my family. I do not believe that they will stand by me, for me, or that they will catch me if I fall. Not because they do not intend to, but to them am the supporter. It's the other way, they expect be to be there for them. Friends, well I do trust them, but unfortunately, time and again, all those whom I trust in, are lost, by distance. By my bad fate yet again. So that makes me one sad loner [ like that a$$hole said]? According to dictionary Loner is someone who avoids the company of other people, so that's not me. 

Colleagues at work? No way. I do not trust anyone. Not even my manager. No body. So my Bigboss promised me a promotion so that I will join his team. But I did not trust in him. He said I can change my projects as per my wish, that too I did not trust. But guess what, he has gone out of his way to get things done for me. Just because he gave me a promise. How many people do that these days? Of course I deserve everything that he has done for me, but still how many would fight with people, make few enemies, just to honor talent? Sincerity? and passion to work? I was so surprised to see that he kept his words. I was a bit embarrassed not to have put trust in him and for worrying. Work wise, Sharad[Manager] and Imran[Teammate & Senior] was one team where in I need not have to worry a bit about politics. Life was so peaceful in DCBU. Damn peaceful.

And given any difficult situation in life where patience is the only answer, I have a huge problem in having faith that things are going to be OK. No matter how many people tell me that it is going to be OK, I cannot sleep till the time when things are resolved. I do not remember if I was like this always, or sometime down the line I changed, that I lost faith. I have gone through so much in life. Yet I am here, successful, independent, then why the hell cannot I trust in my fate? Of course at relationships or people I have failed miserably. But can that decide the rest of my life?


Why can't I be positive? Why can't I just TRUST? Why am I skeptical or pessimistic about life? Why don't I have a positive outlook on life? I am being overprotective of myself? Can I blame people in my life so far who made me so negative in my outlook? 


I have DECIDED to be positive. And just TRUST in the best. Let me see if all my fears are real, if all my worries are worthy. Wish me good luck.

Girl from Jammu

Well, there is new girl in my Aerobics batch. She is newlywed Jammu girl. Just 2 months into marriage. She is so animated while talking as if she is so amazed at the world around. As though she is marveling everything in her life. I like the couple. He comes to pick her up after the classes and I really like the couple. He seems to be a doting husband. I don't know if all the happiness [?] around them is because they are newlyweds.

Girl looks like a doll. Very pretty, bubbly, cheerful and friendly. Everyone would fall in love with her. Her brains, I do not know. Her attitude, outlook and behavior impressed me. I speak to the girl almost every day and heard about marriage from her. Just 2 months into marriage, but she talks as though she has figured it all about marriage. I am pretty sure she is much younger to me, but somehow the way she talks about marriage surprised me. How could she be so sure about her life? 

She does not look like those pretty dolls with no brains, or no understanding of life. She seems to be someone who has come to terms with life and understood life. That is what I like about her. She seems to have known life. People like her make me hopeful about life, and about marriage. 

Women ARE better than Men in many ways. It's just that they do not know how to express, how to come forward. I am surprised at the way each of these women want to add more to their life's than just being a housewife or a mother. All of these people love oneself more than they love others.

Life Full Of Nothing

"The Secret In Their Eyes" is a Spanish movie and how did I end up watching this with subtitles? Well, I do not know how I land on these remarkable movies. Kudos to all the time that is spent on the internet. This movie is so poetic, touching, thought provoking, I only could imagine what emotions  movie could have stirred up, if I had known Spanish language. May be that is why they say language is not a barrier for a perfect art. Performances are brilliant that many a times I did not have to read the subtitles. I could read their eyes and know what they are trying to say!

Basic theme of this movie is passion. Everyone has a passion, that makes them live their life to the full, to the end. Passion is what keeps each of us going on. And this movie is a direct   question in the face, to those who lead their life's without any passion, as invalids. How do people live empty life's?

"A guy can change anything. His face, his home, his family, his girlfriend, his religion,his God. But there's one thing he can't change. He can't change his passion"

Movie starts with Benjamin Esposito, retired from Criminal Court, working on his novel. His novel is a fiction based on his own life, and one murder case that he solved during his tenure, but to which he could not provide justice. Reason? Office politics. And this constantly troubles him all his life. For the purpose of his novel, he revisits the case and tries to trace the murderer and the husband of the deceased. He believes that doing so, will make him be at peace with himself.  Movies goes back and forth in time, with flashbacks of his job at the Court, working with his friend Pablo Sandoval and lady boss Irene.

"How do you live a life full of nothing?"

Irene and Benjamin share the strange relationship of unspoken fondness for each other. In-spite of their mutual likeness, their relationship ends when Irene gets married to a man from her class/ status. He does not express his feelings for her openly, knowing that he can never match her social status. But in the novel he does.

Pablo the alter-ego of Benjamin, an alcoholic, plays a crucial part with the twists in the story. He adds the humor to the movie. This is an important character in the movie and you would know why only after watching the movie.

"If you keep going over the past, you're going to end up with a thousand pasts and no future."

Ricardo Morales, is the widower. He actively follows up on the case, to see that the murderer is punished. His love for his wife is true love. He visit train station everyday hoping that someday he would face the murderer. His pain and suffering is depicted poignantly. He says to Benjamin that killing the murderer is not the punishment, but having him live his entire life in a confined cell, with no hope than to wait for his death, living an empty life, is the best punishment that he deserves. But when the case is closed, he disappears from the city as if he had come to terms with the injustice.

Can Benjamin, after 25 years, find peace? Will his relationship with Irene ever blossom, in his novel and in his life? Are all the sacrifices done by him and people around him worthy of life? Does Ricardo get justice? Or the justice is already done? What is the passion that drives each of these four important characters of the story?

It's a classic movie based on love, crime, life. The ending of the movie plays a lot on your mind, and you just keep staring at the screen, contemplating everything that has been narrated so far and all you can do is nothing but marvel at it. It is true that all through the movie you feel disgust towards the murderer for brutal rape and murder of an innocent girl. But by the ending I bet if you do not feel sorry or pity for the murderer in the story.

It is a must watch.

The Hours of Our Lifes

What is Life made of? Meaningless routines? Regrets? Happiness? Quietness? Peace? Movie "The Hours" is based on life's of three women of three different generations. All they have in common is despair. Hopelessness. Desperate need to find a meaning to their life's and hence happiness. Novel "Mrs Dalloway" connects all these three women. One woman an author,  one woman who reads this novel and reflects on her own way of living, one woman who is actually living the novel.

Virginia Wolf is the author of the book "Mrs Dalloway" who is suffering from depression, hallucinations. She has failed twice with her suicide attempts. She is advised by doctors to stay in a serene, quite place Richmond away from London. Which to her is death. She prefers violent jolt of city life to eerie suburbs. She has a loving husband who is constantly threatened by her suicidal tendency. To her sister Nessa, Virginia's life seems perfect and thinks Virginia is very fortunate to live two life's. One that Virginia is leading and the book that she is writing. Virginia believes that there is certainty in death. Death is the only possible escape for her. This reflects so much in her novel where she is trying to kill one of the characters. When her husband questions why someone has to die, she says "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast"

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard."

Laura Brown is a pregnant housewife with a doting husband and a kid. She thinks she has lost her own life in being a wife, a mother. She is very unfulfilled and struggles to cope with a life that is ordained on her. A life without choices. She makes every effort to fit in, yet she is so unhappy and depressed. All this lead to thoughts of killing herself. What happens to her? Does she kill herself? Does she go back to her family and continue to live a life that does not define her? Or does she make a choice after all which she may or may not regret?

"It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? "

Clarissa Vaughan is the one who is living the novel Mrs Dalloway. A modern-day woman living with her gay partner. Who reassures herself that her life is not trivial by throwing parties and trying to be a good hostess. This is a meaningless routine that she builds to make her otherwise meaningless life worthy. She has an adopted girl child, a good career, a loving partner. But she cannot get over her young love Richard. Richard is an award winning poet, gay, and is suffering from AIDS. Richard and Clarissa share a beautiful relationship. Clarissa regrets her decision of losing her true love, soul-mate, friend Richard. She feels insignificant without Richard.

"Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't  go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have  been happier than we have been"

All of these woman have someone who loves them, who have something to carry on their life's with. But life is not about the hours that we live isn't it? It is not those meaningless hours that you spend on routines, years that you spend on trying to hold on a thing which is not you. Life is not the choices we made or not made. Life is about moments. Right there. Right then.

"I remember one morning getting up at  dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And  I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness.  This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It  never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was  the moment. Right then."
This movie may not be a perfect drama, may not help you in finding a meaning to life. May not give you a perspective. But it shows life as is and the rest is left to viewer's interpretations. Most of the movie is up for  your own perspective. This is not a sad story either. There are lot of positive messages through out the movie.


"To look life in the face, always,  to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know  it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always  the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the  hours."

I love the movie for the direction, and brilliant performances by Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julian Moore. Awards that they got for this movie are well deserved.

I, in the making

I have always wondered when people say "if it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger". That is so true. Time and again, its been proven in my case. Coming out of a tumultuous relationship has made me grow so much. I have risen above so much. No person on earth should go through the emotional turmoil that I have been through. Yes, betrayal is the worst way to be hurt. It damages your faith, hope and leaves you hanging on to the past, wondering how and why you ended up being in such a situation. But for sure TIME does heal everything. EVERYTHING. All you have to do is just have faith and hang in there. Not loosing hope or faith in life is such a tough thing to do...but slowly, painfully, you will heal through it. And when you are out of this rut, there is no winning like this one.

You develop so many obsessions, habits, routines when you are going through this phase of healing, and by chance you realize your hidden potential or you find your true interests. You start defining yourself. There is a secret behind every success. Mostly the reason being a painful passionate need to know oneself, with one ultimate goal, which is to be happy. Looking back I feel very luck to have had gone through so much in life at early years of my life. Having learned so much. There is nothing more left than leading to the path of happiness. Nothing more worse can happen. No more bad can happen. I am pretty sure. Only thing awaiting you is your happiness.

I am very proud of myself today.

Was just listening to this song while driving,

Self-worth

I believe that success at my work defines me. As if my whole worth and life is decided on how perfect I am at my job. That is the reason why I react to even a small issue at work. It bothers me a lot. A lot. I start thinking of alternatives. I start thinking of solutions. I just start thinking...and there is no stopping.

Looking back, I have been raised in a way where I believed that I am nothing if I don't stand first in the class. My marks, my ranks decided my worth. Should I be blaming my parents for this? May be. And now, even though there is no one to tell me what defines me, I seem to have assumed that it is my job. I always want to be the best. I want to be perfect. None of my friends or relationships that I have gave me a sense of who I am. What I am without my job. Except for two [ B & S ], who are far far away, no one ever gave me a feeling that they like me as a person, that they see me as something other than a successful woman or a topper in college. Not that I am a bad person. I like so many things about me. I am a good human being. I am intelligent. I am kind hearted. Helping person, most of all I am very humane. But all these are not the ones used to measure the worth of a person. Looks like it. If I had no job, if I was dumb would any of these people who were in my life still value my friendship or relationship with me? Would any of these people respect me as a human being? Guess not.

Respect defines me. And I get that from my job. If someday I am married, and a mother, would I still be looking for my self-worth through a job or through my family? Have I got all my basics wrong or am I in a world where everything is so screwed up? Do I need help?

How do people like Skunk live? Without a character, without respect? Can I live like them? Like losers? Without self-respect and conscience?

Memories Are Always Rotten

De ja vu. I experience this quite a lot. Just when I started typing this post I had a De ja vu. Read so much on this concept and it still is intriguing.

Leo. Well, just yesterday is when I visited a hospital. Took Grandmother to get POP removed. No, visiting hospitals is not over. This morning we [ Mom, Grandma and I] found Leo limping. He seems to be having a problem with this left rear leg. And got an appointment in the evening. I am so tired of *taking care* of people. Anyways, all I can think of now is, Leo. I want him to be of sound health. I want him to be fit. Hope all is well with him. Can't wait for the Doc's appointment.

Last weekend I watched this Woody Allen's movie - Another Woman. I must say its Woody's best. Movie ends with this line "Is memory something that we have, or something that we lost?". This is exactly what has been on my mind lately. All those memories that I have cherished, longed for and have cried over, are just times that are lost. Gone. Past. And I was thinking that life is not about making memorable moments. Cause a memory good or bad is always a past and there is no point spending even a single moment on it. So I want to lead a life not to build those memorable moments but just living each moment to the fullest. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to look back and laugh, smile or cry over any of it. I wonder why I am blogging to this detail if that is the case!

Yesterday I my day at work was very grumpy. But guess what! I started the day with the same nasty mood. It was less than half an hour I realized that it was yesterday and today everything fell in place and got resolved. So it was a very peaceful day at work. I worry way too much. All I have to do is just wait and a take a breath and all is fine. It is true most of the times. While taking a breath I need to learn to shield from my emotions. My biggest challenge. Someday I will achieve it. Till then just wait. Just Wait. Well, coincidentally this song was being played on my music system while driving,

One thought that kept me nagging all the time. The thought of how a person who does so many mistakes can get away with it and be happy! Though I have not harmed anyone intentionally, have not lied to anyone, cheated anyone and who always takes the right path, suffer so much. Most of my suffering is emotional/ psychological. Guess it's my conscience. And people like Skunk, do not have a conscience. But should not they be punished in a way that makes them realize? Oh boy! Is there justice in this world? I do not know why this bothers me so much. It depresses me so much that others get away with anything while I don't seem to take even one step ahead without paying for mistakes that I did. Irony is that most of the times I do not know why am being punished. Sad part of my life.

But I will not give up! I will not succumb. I am very determined to be happy. And stay happy. Leo is my inspiration. No matter what condition he is in, every time a person walks into my kitchen, he goes behind them anticipating some goodies. He does not miss one single time. No matter what. No matter what time it is. He is determined. And so will I be. Love you Leo.

PS: This is the first time I ever mentioned Skunk on my blog, though my hatred for him has been nursed for sometime now. I tried hard to not mention him, not because I forgave or forgot, just because he is a filth not worth to be mentioned on my blog. But could not resist for long ;;-).