Mom

Stepmom - God!!! Could any movie be better than this!!! I love this movie so much. Am sorry for myself to have missed this movie till now. But am glad that now it adds to my collection of movies :-).

I love the scene where Ben asks Isabel to have Coco that he prepared, reads a bed time story to her. When she falls asleep he runs to her sister saying that he killed her. Its so funny, sweet and naive. I love the innocence a kid has :-). Its so beautiful.

Passion

Every person will have a passion or rather should have a passion in ones life. I realized mine...DANCE! Yes this is one thing which makes me extremely happy. One thing which I enjoy doing and would never get tired or bored of. I am sure I will want to keep dancing till the end.

I joined dance classes at my office[ had joined Salsa classes way back in 2006 @ Steps Inst. in HYD ] in the month of May, 2009. Completed 3 levels so far. Salsa, Samba, Jive and Cha cha. My dance teacher is Mridual Martis. Samba and Jive are very lively and easy when compared to Salsa. I do not like Cha Cha Cha though. I want to learn Tango :-) after watching 'Scent of a Woman' tango scene.

Have been watching all dance movies lately. So far this is my collection,

• Dance With Me
• Dirty Dancing 
• Dirty Dancing - Havana Nights
  
• Shall We Dance
• Bring It On
• Center Stage
• Center Stage - Turn It Up
• Step Up 1 & 2
  
• The Turning Point

Among these 'The Turning Point', 'Dance With Me', 'Shall We Dance' are my favorites.

In the last 8 months I have been happy for 2 reasons - Dance & Driving my i10 :-). Hoping to have more reasons to be happy in the days to come.

The Deeps

What's in a name??? I would say lots.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about the name "The Deeps",

'the name given to the Salt Water, and means "The Mother of All Life", (from Sumerian "Ti" = Life, "Ama" = Mother)'

Deeps just means an Ocean, and yes I named this blog by this name, which is also my nickname. My life is no different from an ocean. 

        Life is like an Ocean covered by waves,
        some bring joy others destruction,
        some bring peace others commotion,
        And many men are like fish
        except they have less control
        over the direction in which they swim

        Why? Did I hear you ask?

        Cause many men allow themselves
        to be tossed from side to side
        by every wave of philosophy, trend,
        Idea, belief, doctrine
        perhaps man needs to take a good look
        at what these waves have to offer

        and not take them at their face value.
        Those who rise above the waves
        are those who look to see which wave
        would work for them and that which would
        work against them
       

        Life is like an ocean full of dreams
        some come true and others don’t
        And every man is a source of dreams
        that fill the ocean of life
        just as the rain is the source of water to
        the ocean

        Every man is free to dream
        but only a few see his dreams come true
        Why? Did I hear you ask?
        Cause it takes nothing to dream
        but it costs a man everything
        to make he’s dream come true,

        it takes faith; the evidence of things
        unseen
        and a man risks being called a fool
        while in pursuit of making he’s dream a
        reality,
        no one it seems believes a dream that

        eventually comes true
        because the dream is always bigger than
        he that dreams it
        and remember your dream is no dream
        except its bigger than everything you stand
        for.

       
       
        Life is like an Ocean
        full of good and evil as you pass through
        you are bound to be hurt by the sharks of life
        and maybe you’ll meet a friendly dolphin or two
        the former is more likely than the latter

        Why? Did I hear you say?
        Cause Love is defined by hate,
        good by evil and I suppose vice versa.
        How do you know what is right if nothing
        is wrong?
        How do you learn not to take for granted

        the things that matter to you the most if
        you’ve never been hurt?
       
        That’s why life is like an Ocean,
        some times its at peace other times
        it's raging like a storm

        But life is only what you make it to be.
        Take the bad with a pinch of salt,
        don’t beat yourself too hard for mistakes
        you’ve made
        there is always another chance
        so make sure you take it

        you just might be able to make
        what’s wrong better if not right.
        Life is like an ocean
        sometimes troubled sometimes calm
        whatever state yours might be in
        wait and be still cause the rough
        would eventually be followed by the
        smooth,and weeping followed by joy

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna...

Hmmm…long time since I blogged. Not because I have nothing to blog, but because I was afraid of writing few of my thoughts transforming them to words, which are solid. Which would exist in future. I have had days when I had no time at all for myself, and I had days when I was all by myself. But wherever you are, whatever you do, with whomever you are, mind doesn’t stop thinking, thoughts doesn’t stop flooding your mind. At least in my case I cannot keep my mind still. Even in the happiest moments, most peaceful moments I keep thinking. I can barely count on moments when I could think of nothing and stay calm. I wish they had lasted forever.

Well…I got this video song from one of my friends. I wasn’t in a mood to listen to this song. But I must admit this song goaded me in writing this. I am a person who lives more in the past. Not that my past has been great, but somehow past seems more true, more real.

How much we want to hold on to the past? How much we do not want to break the ties with the past and go on? How much painful it is to say “Goodbye”? Can this word be said with happiness to anyone or anything?

Tum ko bhi hai khabar
Mujhko bhi hai pata
Ho raha hai judaa
Dono ka raasta
Dur jaake bhi mujhse tum meri yaadon main rehna
Kabhi alvida na kehna
Kabhi alvida na kehna

Can we relieve our hearts of this longing for the past?

Samjha ke dekha behla ke dekha
Dil hai ki chain isko aata nahi


And yes, few things do not change with time.


Rut aa rahi hai Rut jaa rahi hai
Dard ka mausam badla nahi
Rang yeh halka itna hai gehra
Sadiyon main hoga halka nahi
Halka nahi
Kaun jaane kya hona hai
Hum ko hai ab kya kya sehna

If

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!""

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

What makes a hero?

I dunno how or why...but I developed a penchant for WAR movies like Schindler's List, The Painist, English Patient.The latest I watched are by Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima" and "Flags of Our Fathers". Iwo Jima...this adds one more to the list of places I want to visit someday and "Flags of Our Fathers" to my movie collection. Quoting last lines from the movie....

"I finally came to the conclusion that he maybe he was right. Maybe there's no such thing as heroes. Maybe there are just people like my dad. I finally came to understand why they were so uncomfortable being called heroes. Heroes are something we create, something we need. It's a way for us to understand what's almost incomprehensible, how people could sacrifice so much for us, but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country but they died for their friends. For the man in front, for the man beside him, and if we wish to truly honor these men we should remember them the way they really were, the way my dad remembered them"

This movie is not based on the usual myth about heroism nor is it a patriotic movie. It indeed is a true story of 3 war survivors who are given undue credit, though the three do not beleive in themselves being heros. Its about the harsh reality and how its portrayed.

This kept me thinking..."what makes a hero?"

Fading colors...

I had been to my hometown to attend my college alumni on saturday. It was great!!! All my friends returned back on the same day. But I stayed back thinking that I would spend some time with Dad, Grama n my brother. But to my disappointment my home was helter-skelter. There was some painting work goin on and it was all dusty, haywire.

I cursed myself for not going back to bangalore with my friends. There was no place to sit, couldn't watch TV, I could not even invite my friends home. I kept complaining for half the day.

Then came the artist in me. Since my childhood I enjoyed looking at the construction work[ this is why I was compelled to read the novel "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand]. After a long day at school, Dad used to take me to the construction site of our house and I was amazed looking at how within few months a stranded place is transformed into such a sweet place to live in. I enjoyed looking at pottery, painting. So I picked up a brush and started painting my home...and it was such a fun. I was totally engrossed in it. I was part of the chaos but I loved it. I was thinking this is how life is! So when you find yourself in chaos and a messy situation, check your primises[ as Ayn Rand says so] and see if you can be part of that chaos and enjoy it and go through it. Its time I need to repaint fading colors of my life.


Hmmm...another year passes by...everyone is busy planning for their new year parties and am here blogging...but no regrets...last year I had a blast, next year I would have a blast [ hopefully with someone special]...lemme enjoy it with my MOM this year!

For All We Know...

Life indeed brings many surprises...but how about these surprises being pleasant, sweet and memorable?

"Meeting a stranger in your life for a short period unexpectedly, who changes your life forever even before you know. You may not be together or may not meet again but you are left musing on their thoughts". Am talking about two romantic movies a recent bollywood movie "Jab We Met" and a Hollywood movie "Bridges of Madison County", which share the same plot of meeting a stranger by chance and falling in love with them. Aren't people in love crazy? But madness is sometimes a bliss. Wouldn't life be boring otherwise? What I liked most about them is they aren't usual mushy love stories, they are simple, cute and sweet, and convincing stories.

W00t...Iowa shown in Bridges and Madison County movie, is added to my list of places to visit...wow such a calm, serene place. I hope someday I would visit these bridges of madison county!!

[Lyrics of few songs in Bridges of Madison County]
...
For All We Know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
...

...
In a world of glitter and glow
In a world of tinsel and show
The unreal from the real thing is hard to know
...

[ Dialogs from Bridges of Madison County]
Francesca: And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.

Francesca: When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you.

Robert: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert Kincaid: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

Robert Kincaid: In this world of ambiguity, such kind of certainity comes once in a lifetime.

I could not stop listening to this song from Jab We Met...I would have played this song on and on umpteen number of times and am not bored yet!!!

Aaoge Jab Tum - Jab We Met (2007)

Movie : Jab We Met
Music Director: Pritam Chakraborty, Sandesh Shandilya
Singer: Ustad Rashid Khan


Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Naina tere kajrare
Naino pe hum dil hare hai
Anjane hi tere naino ne
Waade kiye kaie saare hai
Saanso he leher madam chale
To tu kahe barsega saawan
indicine.com
Barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Chanda ko uta lakho mein
Yeh zindagi tere haton mein
Palko pe jil mil tare hai
Aana bahri barsato mein
indicine.com
Sapno ka jahan
Hoga khila khila
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Be Resilient

An article by Eknath Easwaran - Be resilient, open minded and adaptable to the experiences that we encounter over the sands of time.

A tremendous amount of vital energy is squandered in the vacillation of the mind as it swings towards what it likes and away from what it dislikes. When we are caught up in likes and dislikes, in strong opinions and rigid habits we cannot work at our best and also find ourselves very insecure. At the mercy of external circumstances, if things go our way we are elated, if things do not go our way, we get depressed. It is only the mature person, who is not conditioned by compulsive likes and dislikes, habits and opinions – is really free in life. Such people are truly spontaneous.

Nothing in life is more satisfying than to be able to change our likes and dislikes when we need to. In fact, any one who has mastered this skill has mastered life and if not then they are a victim of life. When someone says “I like it so I’m going to do it” it’s a confession that, that person is not free, they are bound and have no choice. This is our conditioning, we have always been encouraged to only do the things we like doing.

People who have strong likes and dislikes find life very difficult; they are as rigid as if they had only one bone. Such people cannot bend, and if they are compelled to bend they can only break. As the Ganges flows down from the Himalayas, it uproots big trees and carries them down to the plains. A sage noticed this and asked the river “How is it that you tear out these huge trees and yet leave the willow and the reed and the tall grasses that grow by your banks?”

The Ganges replied, “The pine tree does not know how to bend. It stands rigid and won’t move out of my way, so I pull it out by the root and take it with me down to the sea. But these willows and reeds and grasses bend when I come; they do not resist me. I sing through them and leave them intact.” Just like grasses if we learn to bend too, we will find ourselves singing through life.

We can all learn to develop resilience. We can make ourselves like that Japanese doll called the ‘daruma doll’, which has a rounded base and is weighted in such a way that when you push it over, it springs back up. You can hold it down as long as you like but as soon as you take your hand away, it jumps back up again. This is the kind of resilience we can all cultivate. Whenever life tries to knock down people with this kind of precious quality, they are able to spring back; they have lost every trace of rigidity.

We should cultivate this faculty of using every rocky impediment as one more step in the ladder of our success. By sticking to our likes and dislikes, do’s and don’ts, hang-ups, bias, we only embrace rigidity; rigidity is a synonym of death. Let life flow through us with its giggling gush and make us as flexible to nourish with its vitalities, to enrich with its lessons, to sign with gaiety, as the lowly grass on the banks. Let every bit of life fill us with serenity, simplicity and beauty of its own. Let us empty ourselves of our likes and dislikes, so that life can fill us with the heavenly bliss.

Man in the Mirror

By Anonymous poet

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.

You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.

Patterns...

Its very strange how life unfolds...they say history repeats, and yes it is true in my life. I see the same patterns repeating in my life with time. Same situations to face, but with different people, at different times. But yes my take on them though differs with time. I left Bangalore in 2004 and moved to Hyderabad. I hated myself a lot for doing so. I was missing Bangalore a lot and was finding it next to impossible to get adjusted in Hyderabad. Now am back in Bangalore in 2007. But strangely am missing Hyderabad and now I find it difficult to live here in Bangalore.

And with people, there are times when I feel that am the only person on this planet and sometimes am swamped with so many friends around me. Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I want to be part of that chaos, fun and frolic. When I think back, I wonder why it had to happen, and what was it intended for! Somehow, time has passed, people have changed and I realize that few things get close to the heart as memories, though I wished few things for not to have had happened.

I live so much in the past, that even when history repeats it hardly is noticeable to me ;-)

Life isn't read...

I wish Life was like a book which could be read and understood. Its been a long time since I picked up a book and finished reading it. Read many stories, auto-biographies, blogs...but everyone's life is different and its a mystery that cannot be solved. I personally have learnt a lot from my travails of life. Life is so complicated that it cannot be caught in a book.

Life isnt something to be read, not something to comprehend, not something to be learnt, nor something to be solved. Life is just to be experienced.

How Time bewitches?

I remember my school and college days...how passionate I was about life...about learning new things...about creating things. That is what I wanted to do...but never did I give a thought on what I want to be? Are "What you wanna do" and "What you wana be", two different questions that lead to two different paths? I never thought about being employed. I always wanted to create things...that leave you with a sense of satisfaction, things that are "yours", things that reflect your thoughts, your views, your skils, your values.

Today when I look back, is this what I have been doing past 4 years of my career? To the world I may be into those one of luckiest fields where you can mint money, where you can enjoy the luxuries that your parents have only dreamt of, where your first salary is more than what your DAD is earning at his retirement stage, where you enjoy the benifits of technology, hi-fi social life, marked lifestyle, meeting as many people as u can from different cultures, travelling places on business on the company epxenses....and it goes on!

Rest apart all my dreams, passions leave me perplexed and dejected. Feeling helpless. Choked in a messy situation not knowing where it leads to. Life may bring you many luxuries, but the greatest of the luxury or comfort is realizing one's dreams. But somehow I seem to have lost that passion, courage to dream, risk, explore...left with a sense of helpnessness. What has changed? Time or I?

Salsa!

Finally I joined Salsa last saturday! There have been many changes in my life in the last one year. Many things learnt and unlearnt. Joined Institute de Fancaise to learn French. Had this urge of learning dance since a long time and yes I joined Steps Institue for Salsa classes. Well it did not excite me much though. French classes were real fun! Early morning classes, assignments....feeling like a student all again! Feel good experience!

But Salsa....yes its just 2 classes that I attended, but its not all that fun and excitement. Lets see how I feel about it if I continue the classes, by the end of 3 months from now ;)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
=================
a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
=================
a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
===============

a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?

A Place of Wonder

To those who read my pieces and wonder how such a mind unfolds,
Its pretty simple when you’re human and Have came across so many damaged roads.
I travel in my mind whenever I find no peace from the world outside,
For when I close my eyes, I enter a world that remains from our kind in hide.
If I were to take you there, I wonder if you could bear its truth.
It would be hard to explain what in this place lies, whether it’d be fit for you.
There the trees are not grown of wood nor are they dressed in leafs,
And the ponds neither swim with fins and scales nor are they decorated with reefs.


Here words come to life, and all things of joy are alive,
Tears don’t fall from eyes but come to dance and sing of life.
Many times I have tried to reach out and pull you in with me,
But many times I found myself to fail yet don’t give up on me.

One of these days it will come, when one of you will see what lies far from the reach of others’ have you ever heard the drums of wings, flapping as over the world one beautifully hovers. For now I rest alone in this world with no one to share it with but my pen, though I feel guilty for being lucky to have this place of salvation in this life of sin.

O’ do you wish to see what lies in my mind that only I with my pen have held the privilege to know, Come and reread some of what I had told my pen and maybe, just maybe this place would show. Though I warn that not all of it is for the euphoric pleasure of the ears and eyes, indeed it is a place where laughter exists though with laughter one must expect cries.

Hiatus - Year 2005

This year 2005 I could say that my life has been in a hiatus.
Nothing much that I achieved, nothing much that I did, nothing much to write in the diary at the end of the day! I just kept goin on...with the time. There were no major changes in my life...no major plans as such. No special dates to remember. The only best part of the year is that I met my dear buddy Shanti again!

But this pause in my life is in a way good for introspection. I have many things to introspect on. Things that I have learnt, things that I've unlearnt. my commitments, my responisbilities, my reactions, my expectations from life. Things around me pretended to have changed....but it was my attitude towards them that has changed...attitude which was born out of patience or rather I would say endurance. Well, the one thing that I have been thirsty of these many days - "Peace" ultimately has surrendered to me.

- "Life without expectations is quite safe and sober but never intersetng r exciting"

I have been too tired of doing anything...even if it was a weekend I had been lazing at trying to catch up on my sleep or reading books. Its not bcos of laziness but bcos of no interest. Never tried to risk on anything or tried something new. Did not indulge in many parties...missing all the fun. Was not interested in exploring things...I just kept to myself all the time...thinking that I have the royalty of my own solitude. The best times were when I was at home away from office away from the busy world...just mediating on bygones.

All these was quiet comforting but always I had the feeling that I was missing something. Feeling of lacking something that was eating up within me.

- "Look for happiness within you."

Grass is always green on the other side of the mountain, Wherever you go its your attitude that keeps you happy but not the circumstances. Try to look for happiness in you not outside. One cant keep running from the problems, miscomforts, situations, people, and from oneself. As long as you stand still and face the world you could never live in this place of hypocrisy, feign gratitude. Patience and perseverance pays but very late, not when you expect it to but when it has to.

- "Be concerned not worried."

Most of the problems that anyone faces in this world are people itself. Its because we keep thiking all the time what others might think, we keep pleasing our fellow beings, we try to live up to their expectations, we live for others. And we mark ourselves as a failure when we fail to keep up to what other person feels or expects from us. Should we live for ourselves or for the people? Well we need to be concerned about them not worried about them.

- "Forgive people and, Accept them as they are."

When you do not want to live as per the rules or expectations set by others, you too cannot expect them to behave as per you. Everyone is unique in their attitudes and its natural. Give space and time to others, forgive them and accept them as they are. Be open-minded, sportive, easygoing and keep your heart lighter. Take it easy!

- "Always do what makes u feel happy."

Never ever try to stop yourself in doing something that you feel like doing and when your heart says its right. Keep yourself busy in indulging in something of your interest and try to live in the moment and live for the moment. Expect problems as inevitable. Accept life as it comes. Face the truth, the reality!

Do you still have a reason?

Everyone in this world has problems of their own, everyone has something to crib about, something to worry upon. We always have our own good reasons to complain about life. We end up falling into one of the two groups either listening to or imparting these words..."Be Positive". Well..its easier said than done. But this woman Kousalya has proved that nothing is impossible and has redefined the term 'positive'. No ordinary person could be so happy and content when he comes to know that he is living because he is not dying....thats why she is called an extra'ordinary' woman.

Ten years back, Kousalya an ordinary woman was diagnosed as an HIV patient, and was given a time of 2 months to live. At the time she came to know she is HIV positive, she did not even know what it meant. But it has been many years since she is fighting this disease. She has changed herself to a woman whos bold enough to come out into the society, which has stigmatized conceptions of HIV and AIDS patients. She has turned her misfortune as a reason to live, as her purpose of the life. She says -

"I could achieve all this because I was an HIV positive woman. I consider these some of the advantages of being a 'positive' woman! If I were not HIV positive, I would have lived like an ordinary woman in Namakkal!"

She lost her husband, a trcuk dirver who suffered from AIDS. But she says the most sickening thing that happened to her is the pain of betrayal which she cant digest to this day. Her husband knew he was HIV positive when he married Kousalya. In her words she says -

"I couldn't bear the thought of being cheated. More than sad, I was very, very angry," she says. "Even today, the thought of having been cheated is extremely painful to me. I still can't get over it."

But she still wears a smile that hides the valcano of pent-up anger. She says she channelises her anger which gives her lot of energy which she uses in doing better things. Today she is a member of INP Plus (Indian Network for Positive People Plus). INP Plus started a separate wing for women and children, called PWN Plus and Kousalya heads it. She has the courage to fight the virus within her body, the virus thats spread in the minds of people about HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) and AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) across the globe. She has given many international conferences on AIDA awarness. She feels herself as part of PWN. From a timid girl hesitant to speak even in Tamil, she has transformed into a woman who radiates confidence and is quite fluent in English. Today She finds no time for her think about her illness, or the betrayl, being involved in the activities of PWN. And riding her 2-wheeler and painting gives her a way to vent her feelings of misery.

Do we have the courage to face the reality, to fight the society, do we have the guts to deck our face with a beautiful smile accepting the betrayal, are we positive towards life? Do we still have a better reason than death to crib about our lives?

A Friend Like You

To Bindu

When nothing made sense

You were there to boost up my confidence

Without the things being told

You were the one who consoled

Everyone needs a friend like you

Who’s dependable and so true

Through the moments endured

I am so happy that you are there for sure.