What makes a hero?

I dunno how or why...but I developed a penchant for WAR movies like Schindler's List, The Painist, English Patient.The latest I watched are by Clint Eastwood, "Letters from Iwo Jima" and "Flags of Our Fathers". Iwo Jima...this adds one more to the list of places I want to visit someday and "Flags of Our Fathers" to my movie collection. Quoting last lines from the movie....

"I finally came to the conclusion that he maybe he was right. Maybe there's no such thing as heroes. Maybe there are just people like my dad. I finally came to understand why they were so uncomfortable being called heroes. Heroes are something we create, something we need. It's a way for us to understand what's almost incomprehensible, how people could sacrifice so much for us, but for my dad and these men, the risks they took, the wounds they suffered, they did that for their buddies. They may have fought for their country but they died for their friends. For the man in front, for the man beside him, and if we wish to truly honor these men we should remember them the way they really were, the way my dad remembered them"

This movie is not based on the usual myth about heroism nor is it a patriotic movie. It indeed is a true story of 3 war survivors who are given undue credit, though the three do not beleive in themselves being heros. Its about the harsh reality and how its portrayed.

This kept me thinking..."what makes a hero?"

Fading colors...

I had been to my hometown to attend my college alumni on saturday. It was great!!! All my friends returned back on the same day. But I stayed back thinking that I would spend some time with Dad, Grama n my brother. But to my disappointment my home was helter-skelter. There was some painting work goin on and it was all dusty, haywire.

I cursed myself for not going back to bangalore with my friends. There was no place to sit, couldn't watch TV, I could not even invite my friends home. I kept complaining for half the day.

Then came the artist in me. Since my childhood I enjoyed looking at the construction work[ this is why I was compelled to read the novel "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand]. After a long day at school, Dad used to take me to the construction site of our house and I was amazed looking at how within few months a stranded place is transformed into such a sweet place to live in. I enjoyed looking at pottery, painting. So I picked up a brush and started painting my home...and it was such a fun. I was totally engrossed in it. I was part of the chaos but I loved it. I was thinking this is how life is! So when you find yourself in chaos and a messy situation, check your primises[ as Ayn Rand says so] and see if you can be part of that chaos and enjoy it and go through it. Its time I need to repaint fading colors of my life.


Hmmm...another year passes by...everyone is busy planning for their new year parties and am here blogging...but no regrets...last year I had a blast, next year I would have a blast [ hopefully with someone special]...lemme enjoy it with my MOM this year!

For All We Know...

Life indeed brings many surprises...but how about these surprises being pleasant, sweet and memorable?

"Meeting a stranger in your life for a short period unexpectedly, who changes your life forever even before you know. You may not be together or may not meet again but you are left musing on their thoughts". Am talking about two romantic movies a recent bollywood movie "Jab We Met" and a Hollywood movie "Bridges of Madison County", which share the same plot of meeting a stranger by chance and falling in love with them. Aren't people in love crazy? But madness is sometimes a bliss. Wouldn't life be boring otherwise? What I liked most about them is they aren't usual mushy love stories, they are simple, cute and sweet, and convincing stories.

W00t...Iowa shown in Bridges and Madison County movie, is added to my list of places to visit...wow such a calm, serene place. I hope someday I would visit these bridges of madison county!!

[Lyrics of few songs in Bridges of Madison County]
...
For All We Know
This may only be a dream
We come and we go
Like the ripple on a stream
...

...
In a world of glitter and glow
In a world of tinsel and show
The unreal from the real thing is hard to know
...

[ Dialogs from Bridges of Madison County]
Francesca: And in that moment, everything I knew to be true about myself up until then was gone. I was acting like another woman, yet I was more myself than ever before.

Francesca: When a woman makes the choice to marry, to have children; in one way her life begins but in another way it stops. You build a life of details. You become a mother, a wife and you stop and stay steady so that your children can move. And when they leave they take your life of details with them. And then you're expected move again only you don't remember what moves you because no-one has asked in so long. Not even yourself. You never in your life think that love like this can happen to you.

Robert: The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but glad I had them.

Robert Kincaid: Things change. They always do, it's one of the things of nature. Most people are afraid of change, but if you look at it as something you can always count on, then it can be a comfort.

Robert Kincaid: In this world of ambiguity, such kind of certainity comes once in a lifetime.

I could not stop listening to this song from Jab We Met...I would have played this song on and on umpteen number of times and am not bored yet!!!

Aaoge Jab Tum - Jab We Met (2007)

Movie : Jab We Met
Music Director: Pritam Chakraborty, Sandesh Shandilya
Singer: Ustad Rashid Khan


Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge
Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Naina tere kajrare
Naino pe hum dil hare hai
Anjane hi tere naino ne
Waade kiye kaie saare hai
Saanso he leher madam chale
To tu kahe barsega saawan
indicine.com
Barsega saawan jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Aaoge Jab Tum Saajna
Angana phool khilege

Chanda ko uta lakho mein
Yeh zindagi tere haton mein
Palko pe jil mil tare hai
Aana bahri barsato mein
indicine.com
Sapno ka jahan
Hoga khila khila
Barsega saawan, barsega saawan
Jhoom jhoom ke
Do dil aise milenge

Be Resilient

An article by Eknath Easwaran - Be resilient, open minded and adaptable to the experiences that we encounter over the sands of time.

A tremendous amount of vital energy is squandered in the vacillation of the mind as it swings towards what it likes and away from what it dislikes. When we are caught up in likes and dislikes, in strong opinions and rigid habits we cannot work at our best and also find ourselves very insecure. At the mercy of external circumstances, if things go our way we are elated, if things do not go our way, we get depressed. It is only the mature person, who is not conditioned by compulsive likes and dislikes, habits and opinions – is really free in life. Such people are truly spontaneous.

Nothing in life is more satisfying than to be able to change our likes and dislikes when we need to. In fact, any one who has mastered this skill has mastered life and if not then they are a victim of life. When someone says “I like it so I’m going to do it” it’s a confession that, that person is not free, they are bound and have no choice. This is our conditioning, we have always been encouraged to only do the things we like doing.

People who have strong likes and dislikes find life very difficult; they are as rigid as if they had only one bone. Such people cannot bend, and if they are compelled to bend they can only break. As the Ganges flows down from the Himalayas, it uproots big trees and carries them down to the plains. A sage noticed this and asked the river “How is it that you tear out these huge trees and yet leave the willow and the reed and the tall grasses that grow by your banks?”

The Ganges replied, “The pine tree does not know how to bend. It stands rigid and won’t move out of my way, so I pull it out by the root and take it with me down to the sea. But these willows and reeds and grasses bend when I come; they do not resist me. I sing through them and leave them intact.” Just like grasses if we learn to bend too, we will find ourselves singing through life.

We can all learn to develop resilience. We can make ourselves like that Japanese doll called the ‘daruma doll’, which has a rounded base and is weighted in such a way that when you push it over, it springs back up. You can hold it down as long as you like but as soon as you take your hand away, it jumps back up again. This is the kind of resilience we can all cultivate. Whenever life tries to knock down people with this kind of precious quality, they are able to spring back; they have lost every trace of rigidity.

We should cultivate this faculty of using every rocky impediment as one more step in the ladder of our success. By sticking to our likes and dislikes, do’s and don’ts, hang-ups, bias, we only embrace rigidity; rigidity is a synonym of death. Let life flow through us with its giggling gush and make us as flexible to nourish with its vitalities, to enrich with its lessons, to sign with gaiety, as the lowly grass on the banks. Let every bit of life fill us with serenity, simplicity and beauty of its own. Let us empty ourselves of our likes and dislikes, so that life can fill us with the heavenly bliss.

Man in the Mirror

By Anonymous poet

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.

For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.

He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.

You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.

Patterns...

Its very strange how life unfolds...they say history repeats, and yes it is true in my life. I see the same patterns repeating in my life with time. Same situations to face, but with different people, at different times. But yes my take on them though differs with time. I left Bangalore in 2004 and moved to Hyderabad. I hated myself a lot for doing so. I was missing Bangalore a lot and was finding it next to impossible to get adjusted in Hyderabad. Now am back in Bangalore in 2007. But strangely am missing Hyderabad and now I find it difficult to live here in Bangalore.

And with people, there are times when I feel that am the only person on this planet and sometimes am swamped with so many friends around me. Sometimes I love to be alone and sometimes I want to be part of that chaos, fun and frolic. When I think back, I wonder why it had to happen, and what was it intended for! Somehow, time has passed, people have changed and I realize that few things get close to the heart as memories, though I wished few things for not to have had happened.

I live so much in the past, that even when history repeats it hardly is noticeable to me ;-)

Life isn't read...

I wish Life was like a book which could be read and understood. Its been a long time since I picked up a book and finished reading it. Read many stories, auto-biographies, blogs...but everyone's life is different and its a mystery that cannot be solved. I personally have learnt a lot from my travails of life. Life is so complicated that it cannot be caught in a book.

Life isnt something to be read, not something to comprehend, not something to be learnt, nor something to be solved. Life is just to be experienced.

How Time bewitches?

I remember my school and college days...how passionate I was about life...about learning new things...about creating things. That is what I wanted to do...but never did I give a thought on what I want to be? Are "What you wanna do" and "What you wana be", two different questions that lead to two different paths? I never thought about being employed. I always wanted to create things...that leave you with a sense of satisfaction, things that are "yours", things that reflect your thoughts, your views, your skils, your values.

Today when I look back, is this what I have been doing past 4 years of my career? To the world I may be into those one of luckiest fields where you can mint money, where you can enjoy the luxuries that your parents have only dreamt of, where your first salary is more than what your DAD is earning at his retirement stage, where you enjoy the benifits of technology, hi-fi social life, marked lifestyle, meeting as many people as u can from different cultures, travelling places on business on the company epxenses....and it goes on!

Rest apart all my dreams, passions leave me perplexed and dejected. Feeling helpless. Choked in a messy situation not knowing where it leads to. Life may bring you many luxuries, but the greatest of the luxury or comfort is realizing one's dreams. But somehow I seem to have lost that passion, courage to dream, risk, explore...left with a sense of helpnessness. What has changed? Time or I?

Salsa!

Finally I joined Salsa last saturday! There have been many changes in my life in the last one year. Many things learnt and unlearnt. Joined Institute de Fancaise to learn French. Had this urge of learning dance since a long time and yes I joined Steps Institue for Salsa classes. Well it did not excite me much though. French classes were real fun! Early morning classes, assignments....feeling like a student all again! Feel good experience!

But Salsa....yes its just 2 classes that I attended, but its not all that fun and excitement. Lets see how I feel about it if I continue the classes, by the end of 3 months from now ;)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
=================
a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
=================
a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
===============

a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?

A Place of Wonder

To those who read my pieces and wonder how such a mind unfolds,
Its pretty simple when you’re human and Have came across so many damaged roads.
I travel in my mind whenever I find no peace from the world outside,
For when I close my eyes, I enter a world that remains from our kind in hide.
If I were to take you there, I wonder if you could bear its truth.
It would be hard to explain what in this place lies, whether it’d be fit for you.
There the trees are not grown of wood nor are they dressed in leafs,
And the ponds neither swim with fins and scales nor are they decorated with reefs.


Here words come to life, and all things of joy are alive,
Tears don’t fall from eyes but come to dance and sing of life.
Many times I have tried to reach out and pull you in with me,
But many times I found myself to fail yet don’t give up on me.

One of these days it will come, when one of you will see what lies far from the reach of others’ have you ever heard the drums of wings, flapping as over the world one beautifully hovers. For now I rest alone in this world with no one to share it with but my pen, though I feel guilty for being lucky to have this place of salvation in this life of sin.

O’ do you wish to see what lies in my mind that only I with my pen have held the privilege to know, Come and reread some of what I had told my pen and maybe, just maybe this place would show. Though I warn that not all of it is for the euphoric pleasure of the ears and eyes, indeed it is a place where laughter exists though with laughter one must expect cries.

Hiatus - Year 2005

This year 2005 I could say that my life has been in a hiatus.
Nothing much that I achieved, nothing much that I did, nothing much to write in the diary at the end of the day! I just kept goin on...with the time. There were no major changes in my life...no major plans as such. No special dates to remember. The only best part of the year is that I met my dear buddy Shanti again!

But this pause in my life is in a way good for introspection. I have many things to introspect on. Things that I have learnt, things that I've unlearnt. my commitments, my responisbilities, my reactions, my expectations from life. Things around me pretended to have changed....but it was my attitude towards them that has changed...attitude which was born out of patience or rather I would say endurance. Well, the one thing that I have been thirsty of these many days - "Peace" ultimately has surrendered to me.

- "Life without expectations is quite safe and sober but never intersetng r exciting"

I have been too tired of doing anything...even if it was a weekend I had been lazing at trying to catch up on my sleep or reading books. Its not bcos of laziness but bcos of no interest. Never tried to risk on anything or tried something new. Did not indulge in many parties...missing all the fun. Was not interested in exploring things...I just kept to myself all the time...thinking that I have the royalty of my own solitude. The best times were when I was at home away from office away from the busy world...just mediating on bygones.

All these was quiet comforting but always I had the feeling that I was missing something. Feeling of lacking something that was eating up within me.

- "Look for happiness within you."

Grass is always green on the other side of the mountain, Wherever you go its your attitude that keeps you happy but not the circumstances. Try to look for happiness in you not outside. One cant keep running from the problems, miscomforts, situations, people, and from oneself. As long as you stand still and face the world you could never live in this place of hypocrisy, feign gratitude. Patience and perseverance pays but very late, not when you expect it to but when it has to.

- "Be concerned not worried."

Most of the problems that anyone faces in this world are people itself. Its because we keep thiking all the time what others might think, we keep pleasing our fellow beings, we try to live up to their expectations, we live for others. And we mark ourselves as a failure when we fail to keep up to what other person feels or expects from us. Should we live for ourselves or for the people? Well we need to be concerned about them not worried about them.

- "Forgive people and, Accept them as they are."

When you do not want to live as per the rules or expectations set by others, you too cannot expect them to behave as per you. Everyone is unique in their attitudes and its natural. Give space and time to others, forgive them and accept them as they are. Be open-minded, sportive, easygoing and keep your heart lighter. Take it easy!

- "Always do what makes u feel happy."

Never ever try to stop yourself in doing something that you feel like doing and when your heart says its right. Keep yourself busy in indulging in something of your interest and try to live in the moment and live for the moment. Expect problems as inevitable. Accept life as it comes. Face the truth, the reality!

Do you still have a reason?

Everyone in this world has problems of their own, everyone has something to crib about, something to worry upon. We always have our own good reasons to complain about life. We end up falling into one of the two groups either listening to or imparting these words..."Be Positive". Well..its easier said than done. But this woman Kousalya has proved that nothing is impossible and has redefined the term 'positive'. No ordinary person could be so happy and content when he comes to know that he is living because he is not dying....thats why she is called an extra'ordinary' woman.

Ten years back, Kousalya an ordinary woman was diagnosed as an HIV patient, and was given a time of 2 months to live. At the time she came to know she is HIV positive, she did not even know what it meant. But it has been many years since she is fighting this disease. She has changed herself to a woman whos bold enough to come out into the society, which has stigmatized conceptions of HIV and AIDS patients. She has turned her misfortune as a reason to live, as her purpose of the life. She says -

"I could achieve all this because I was an HIV positive woman. I consider these some of the advantages of being a 'positive' woman! If I were not HIV positive, I would have lived like an ordinary woman in Namakkal!"

She lost her husband, a trcuk dirver who suffered from AIDS. But she says the most sickening thing that happened to her is the pain of betrayal which she cant digest to this day. Her husband knew he was HIV positive when he married Kousalya. In her words she says -

"I couldn't bear the thought of being cheated. More than sad, I was very, very angry," she says. "Even today, the thought of having been cheated is extremely painful to me. I still can't get over it."

But she still wears a smile that hides the valcano of pent-up anger. She says she channelises her anger which gives her lot of energy which she uses in doing better things. Today she is a member of INP Plus (Indian Network for Positive People Plus). INP Plus started a separate wing for women and children, called PWN Plus and Kousalya heads it. She has the courage to fight the virus within her body, the virus thats spread in the minds of people about HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) and AIDS (Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome) across the globe. She has given many international conferences on AIDA awarness. She feels herself as part of PWN. From a timid girl hesitant to speak even in Tamil, she has transformed into a woman who radiates confidence and is quite fluent in English. Today She finds no time for her think about her illness, or the betrayl, being involved in the activities of PWN. And riding her 2-wheeler and painting gives her a way to vent her feelings of misery.

Do we have the courage to face the reality, to fight the society, do we have the guts to deck our face with a beautiful smile accepting the betrayal, are we positive towards life? Do we still have a better reason than death to crib about our lives?

A Friend Like You

To Bindu

When nothing made sense

You were there to boost up my confidence

Without the things being told

You were the one who consoled

Everyone needs a friend like you

Who’s dependable and so true

Through the moments endured

I am so happy that you are there for sure.

Dear Daddy

Everything that happens and
Everything that befalls on us has a meaning
Has a lesson to learn, has a mistake to mend
I know it’s difficult to go through such times of confusion
Times of depression, times of dismay.

With time all things pass
You have endured thousand storms and
This is one of its kind that you can weather with courage
Expect trouble as inevitable part of life
Stay your course and be true, thats what you taught us
Today I repeat these words of comfort to you
And everything shall pass too.

I would fight the fate, I would fight the destiny
For I want you to be the best of you,
You are the one whom we look unto
In all our travails of life, in all our delights of life.

In the book of life every page has two sides: We human beings fill the upper side with our plans, hopes, and wishes, But Providence writes on the other side, And what it ordains is seldom our goal.

Far Away from Home

Many of us stay away from home/ family…for reasons like studies, career etc. For some it’s bliss and for some it’s a bane. For some it’s an ever-wished dream to enjoy their independence/ freedom without any one to tell you what to do and what not to do. As far as I have seen, many would prefer to live alone away from parents one their own.

Managing everything on your own (Living by yourself)

You are no more under the arena of love/ warmth/ care. You are the master of yourself where you plan your things. This makes you self-sufficient and independent. It builds your character, makes you self confident. It makes you assess ones strength and capabilities. On the contrary one becomes too much selfish, self-centered or in other words feel too much responsible about ourselves, that we don’t seek for others' suggestions in to account. We are kind of feeling better but being isolated, with a care-not attitude.

Neighborhood/ Environment

World is not always the best place. You are not guaranteed to get a good company wherever you go. And even if you plan to ignore the rest and try to live on your own your neighbors could be nosy enough to disturb you, who could sneak your privacy, who could foist their thoughts on you. It’s true that we need to have friends in order to compensate your loneliness but be choosy enough of your friends and beware of those who could sabotage you. Jealousy is one good enemy of a Relationship. Well it’s an attitude of mind, which endows you to survive against all odds. The magic is “Do not expect anything from any relationship, & everything received becomes beautiful, it may be a small courtesy of saying “Hello” from one of your friends! After all it’s your choice to live alone, & there’s a difference in living alone & being lonely!

Freedom

Everyone’s wish/ dream. Staying away from your parents you get utmost independence doing things, which might have gone against your will, due to parental concern, or their being orthodox/conservative. At times you would have limited yourself not in order to forgo your freedom but not to cause any inconvenience to your family/ parents. But now there is no one to put a check on you nor does you need to limit yourself. But it depends on what you choose to be which brings you a rewarding career and a happy life. Freedom doesn’t mean do whatever you feel like doing. You are away from your family but not away from the society/ culture that you are born and brought up. We can live without a family but not without a society. Make use of your intuition, astuteness in enjoying your freedom to make your life beautiful.

Loneliness( Homesickness)

It’s hard to live alone in this world without someone to listen to you, without someone to depend on. You miss all that care/ affection/ togetherness. There are going to be days when you feel totally alone and depressed. You might feel nothing is important other than being in a safe protected shield of care. All that you earn, all the independence you got everything seems to be immaterial when it comes to having someone who would always lookout for you. Don't leave family for the heck of it. Your parents' home is a good place to be. Live alone for the right reasons, if it helps you grow as a person, for your career, for better prospects, not because you want to get away from family…you just need to be with someone. Luxuries, money, confidence and stuff like that are not everything in life. Being with someone with whom you can share your moments; happy or sad, is what all of us should be looking at.

Decisions

You can’t have the luxury of leaving things for someone else in the family to decide on. Its you who need to decide on most of the day-to-day issues. Certainly u learn to grow no matter small or big problems u face in day-to-day life. Though there are possibilities of dilemma existing in the free flow of thoughts, sooner or later we get used to it and are able to take many important decisions of our own or rather due to circumstances of having nobody right away to consult with (keep aside the tele/e-contacts).

On the outline, staying away from home, yes its something one faces some time or the other. Its not about building your character and confidence. It’s not about making your career and making the right move in life. It’s not being self-dependent. It’s not about managing your money wisely. It’s not about missing the luxuries of life. Living alone is not at all adventurous, whatever reasons be.

What's within me?

Dodging with the deadly reality
Truth that no longer I want to see.
Swinging between right and wrong
Why can’t I just forget and get along.
Not understanding what’s within me
I only see what I want to see
Away from this world, away from the risks
Trying to ignore the rest

How will I survive the real world?
For I have locked myself in and thrown away the key
Thinking about life, what it had been, and is going to be
Housing these unnamed feelings within me
Abiding by their rules I walk on my way watching myself wilting

I wish I could feel the sun that clears the mystic clouds of tomorrow
I wish my life were filled with fun and joy as before
I wish I can be the old me, I wish I can be just me
With the vigor that shines bright on me
With the days that make me feel the world is mine

Delete Forever!

Sometimes it seems machines are far better to manage than human beings. They can be easily programmed to remember or destroy something completely from its memory. I saw this button in GMail – “Delete Forever”, they promise you for such a huge storage saying ‘Don't throw anything away’, but in that case why do they need to delete something forever. Why does anyone need to destroy anything completely? You just have to click on this and never could you have the trace of a certain email conversation. You are completely destroying the history of it. Wish the human memory too was that easy to manage. Things you want to reprogram, things you want to refresh from your memory, things you want to erase from the memory. I don’t know the reason why they have put up this but I felt that it would have had more value if I had that facility in my life.



I always believed in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and tracing the logic/ reason behind everything that was going around me. I have always been looking back in time. Thinking about the past, how it was, why it happened and how it happened. Thinking how great were those days of school/ college life. I can pick up anything from my past as if it happened before a day or so. But why don’t I realize that I can never touch them. Why don’t I realize that one can never put our arms around the memories? Why don’t I start to move on and look forward to newer /better things in life. On the path of life we not only hold the past in our heart but also a longing for a better future.

Today I received a mail that reads something like –“ Being in development, but working with the customer base is kind of like living in history! While much of development is working on future releases, those of us working with the customers are working with your past. And part of that history is how we got our processes, how information, bugs, and fixes move between support and development”. Myself being a developer who’s on support, at my work as well I deal with the past. Poor me!!!

Well with the memories that last a lifetime and with the best years of my life I move on!!!

Setting herself free from...

Part I Entrancing
It was a saturday. And it was raining heavily.

School gets over by 3 pm on saturdays and there would be sports classes after that.But cause of rain they were cancelled and they were let to go home. Everyone were happy as the next day would be a sunday. No need to do any homework as you have one long sunday for that! Postponing that task till sunday evening or monday morning!

She wanted to go back home and play around with her friends. Waiting for the rain to calm down so that she can go home. Cursing the rain cause her mother would not allow her to play in the rain. She heard her friends saying that its great getting drenched in the rain but she herself never did that. Her friends too were waiting with her. It was more than a half an hour that they were watching the rain drops dribbling. Parents of few kids came to the school to pick up their children. She knew that her father will not come to pick her up as he works in another town and he himself would have been caught up in the rain.

But she was not thinking of any of these things..she was not even thinking of the games that she would be palying when shez back home...she was not even thinking of her homework...She was ...with one thought..and that was how would it be to get drenched in the rain. Same thought striked her friend too, and finally they decided that they will reach home inspite of the rain. Their intention was not to reach home but to play in the rain. Rain was entrancing her...

First time...showered with the drops of rain...she had nice fun with her friends. It was a great adventurous event for her. They were not worried about the people around them who were running helter-skelter from rain. They were happy that it rained and were hoping for it not to stop till they reach home.

It was the end of such an elated, jubilant journey. She reached home finally. She forgot all about her world and she returned home gleefully. But her mother was not in the same mood. Her mother was schocked to know that she has come home in such a heavy rain. Later that evening the same thing was complained to her father and her father beat her for doing that. But poor SHE...she did not think that getting wet in rain is such a sin and that she would be punished that way for that. She did never think that it would be taken so seriously by her parents. It was like her mother would support her if her father was angry with her and her father would support her if her mother was angry with her. But that day both her father and mother were scolding her. That night she did not have her dinner...she wept to herself and made a promise to her that she would never again get wet in rain.

Things were normal the next day...and the climate too was normal the next day...but for her there was a great change...she never again dared to come home in rain. She started hating rain since then....hatred out of fear...fear of disturbing her mother again...fear of having to face her father's fury...fear of not able to face this from her parents, fear of desolation from them. From school to college, college to the world, in the world as a person staying away from parents, in search of a bright career, she has been hearing from her friends, companions, colleagues...many saying/ talking about rain. She can see the joy in their eyes when it rains...but for her it would remind her of that night where she wept alone. Rainy day would be the worst day for her...it had a very bad psychological effect on her that every rainy day she would feel lonely, dejected and irritated.

Part II Embracing...

It was raining again...she was so busy the whole day but was satisifed that at the end of the day she was done with the work. She can go back home peacefully. But this was not the case with her. Damn thing it was raining...though it was already late she sat back and was waiting for the rain to stop. Finally she decided to go home, thinking that the rain would not stop.

She came out cursing rain...but strangely she was not feeling lonely...her immediate subject matter was to reach hostel as soon as possible. She got into the auto and due to trafiic rules had to get down at a place from where she had to walk down to her hostel. She hurried to cross the road and now she was in the same isolated, most of the times empty lane that she takes everyday back to her hostel. There were few people hurrying to reach their homes, few standing at the bus stop sheltering themselves from the rain.

She suddenly slowed down...she slowed down to walk at a relaxed pace, to stop and look at the hurried world around. To look at inner-self.

She was letting the rain embrace her. Thousands of rain drops kissed her face. Those drops questioning her why she had to hate them for so many years. Why is that she felt lonely when it was raining? Why was it they were looked at with contempt? She veritably has a peaceful comfortable life and like any other human being she should enjoy the rain. Now those rain drops were slapping her face with these questions trying to wake her up. Those rain drops were washing off her hallucinations, wiping of the brinks that she has set to herself.

She was set free...set free from her rules, from her trammels, from her self-effacing, from her timidness, from her limitations, from her oaths to herself. She was set free from the umbrella of that was sheilding her from the love and happiness of the nature to embrace her.

She finally realized that there were no one who could constrain her apart from herself.