Girl from Jammu

Well, there is new girl in my Aerobics batch. She is newlywed Jammu girl. Just 2 months into marriage. She is so animated while talking as if she is so amazed at the world around. As though she is marveling everything in her life. I like the couple. He comes to pick her up after the classes and I really like the couple. He seems to be a doting husband. I don't know if all the happiness [?] around them is because they are newlyweds.

Girl looks like a doll. Very pretty, bubbly, cheerful and friendly. Everyone would fall in love with her. Her brains, I do not know. Her attitude, outlook and behavior impressed me. I speak to the girl almost every day and heard about marriage from her. Just 2 months into marriage, but she talks as though she has figured it all about marriage. I am pretty sure she is much younger to me, but somehow the way she talks about marriage surprised me. How could she be so sure about her life? 

She does not look like those pretty dolls with no brains, or no understanding of life. She seems to be someone who has come to terms with life and understood life. That is what I like about her. She seems to have known life. People like her make me hopeful about life, and about marriage. 

Women ARE better than Men in many ways. It's just that they do not know how to express, how to come forward. I am surprised at the way each of these women want to add more to their life's than just being a housewife or a mother. All of these people love oneself more than they love others.

Life Full Of Nothing

"The Secret In Their Eyes" is a Spanish movie and how did I end up watching this with subtitles? Well, I do not know how I land on these remarkable movies. Kudos to all the time that is spent on the internet. This movie is so poetic, touching, thought provoking, I only could imagine what emotions  movie could have stirred up, if I had known Spanish language. May be that is why they say language is not a barrier for a perfect art. Performances are brilliant that many a times I did not have to read the subtitles. I could read their eyes and know what they are trying to say!

Basic theme of this movie is passion. Everyone has a passion, that makes them live their life to the full, to the end. Passion is what keeps each of us going on. And this movie is a direct   question in the face, to those who lead their life's without any passion, as invalids. How do people live empty life's?

"A guy can change anything. His face, his home, his family, his girlfriend, his religion,his God. But there's one thing he can't change. He can't change his passion"

Movie starts with Benjamin Esposito, retired from Criminal Court, working on his novel. His novel is a fiction based on his own life, and one murder case that he solved during his tenure, but to which he could not provide justice. Reason? Office politics. And this constantly troubles him all his life. For the purpose of his novel, he revisits the case and tries to trace the murderer and the husband of the deceased. He believes that doing so, will make him be at peace with himself.  Movies goes back and forth in time, with flashbacks of his job at the Court, working with his friend Pablo Sandoval and lady boss Irene.

"How do you live a life full of nothing?"

Irene and Benjamin share the strange relationship of unspoken fondness for each other. In-spite of their mutual likeness, their relationship ends when Irene gets married to a man from her class/ status. He does not express his feelings for her openly, knowing that he can never match her social status. But in the novel he does.

Pablo the alter-ego of Benjamin, an alcoholic, plays a crucial part with the twists in the story. He adds the humor to the movie. This is an important character in the movie and you would know why only after watching the movie.

"If you keep going over the past, you're going to end up with a thousand pasts and no future."

Ricardo Morales, is the widower. He actively follows up on the case, to see that the murderer is punished. His love for his wife is true love. He visit train station everyday hoping that someday he would face the murderer. His pain and suffering is depicted poignantly. He says to Benjamin that killing the murderer is not the punishment, but having him live his entire life in a confined cell, with no hope than to wait for his death, living an empty life, is the best punishment that he deserves. But when the case is closed, he disappears from the city as if he had come to terms with the injustice.

Can Benjamin, after 25 years, find peace? Will his relationship with Irene ever blossom, in his novel and in his life? Are all the sacrifices done by him and people around him worthy of life? Does Ricardo get justice? Or the justice is already done? What is the passion that drives each of these four important characters of the story?

It's a classic movie based on love, crime, life. The ending of the movie plays a lot on your mind, and you just keep staring at the screen, contemplating everything that has been narrated so far and all you can do is nothing but marvel at it. It is true that all through the movie you feel disgust towards the murderer for brutal rape and murder of an innocent girl. But by the ending I bet if you do not feel sorry or pity for the murderer in the story.

It is a must watch.

The Hours of Our Lifes

What is Life made of? Meaningless routines? Regrets? Happiness? Quietness? Peace? Movie "The Hours" is based on life's of three women of three different generations. All they have in common is despair. Hopelessness. Desperate need to find a meaning to their life's and hence happiness. Novel "Mrs Dalloway" connects all these three women. One woman an author,  one woman who reads this novel and reflects on her own way of living, one woman who is actually living the novel.

Virginia Wolf is the author of the book "Mrs Dalloway" who is suffering from depression, hallucinations. She has failed twice with her suicide attempts. She is advised by doctors to stay in a serene, quite place Richmond away from London. Which to her is death. She prefers violent jolt of city life to eerie suburbs. She has a loving husband who is constantly threatened by her suicidal tendency. To her sister Nessa, Virginia's life seems perfect and thinks Virginia is very fortunate to live two life's. One that Virginia is leading and the book that she is writing. Virginia believes that there is certainty in death. Death is the only possible escape for her. This reflects so much in her novel where she is trying to kill one of the characters. When her husband questions why someone has to die, she says "Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast"

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard."

Laura Brown is a pregnant housewife with a doting husband and a kid. She thinks she has lost her own life in being a wife, a mother. She is very unfulfilled and struggles to cope with a life that is ordained on her. A life without choices. She makes every effort to fit in, yet she is so unhappy and depressed. All this lead to thoughts of killing herself. What happens to her? Does she kill herself? Does she go back to her family and continue to live a life that does not define her? Or does she make a choice after all which she may or may not regret?

"It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? "

Clarissa Vaughan is the one who is living the novel Mrs Dalloway. A modern-day woman living with her gay partner. Who reassures herself that her life is not trivial by throwing parties and trying to be a good hostess. This is a meaningless routine that she builds to make her otherwise meaningless life worthy. She has an adopted girl child, a good career, a loving partner. But she cannot get over her young love Richard. Richard is an award winning poet, gay, and is suffering from AIDS. Richard and Clarissa share a beautiful relationship. Clarissa regrets her decision of losing her true love, soul-mate, friend Richard. She feels insignificant without Richard.

"Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't  go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have  been happier than we have been"

All of these woman have someone who loves them, who have something to carry on their life's with. But life is not about the hours that we live isn't it? It is not those meaningless hours that you spend on routines, years that you spend on trying to hold on a thing which is not you. Life is not the choices we made or not made. Life is about moments. Right there. Right then.

"I remember one morning getting up at  dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And  I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness.  This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It  never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was  the moment. Right then."
This movie may not be a perfect drama, may not help you in finding a meaning to life. May not give you a perspective. But it shows life as is and the rest is left to viewer's interpretations. Most of the movie is up for  your own perspective. This is not a sad story either. There are lot of positive messages through out the movie.


"To look life in the face, always,  to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know  it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always  the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the  hours."

I love the movie for the direction, and brilliant performances by Meryl Streep, Nicole Kidman and Julian Moore. Awards that they got for this movie are well deserved.

I, in the making

I have always wondered when people say "if it does not kill you, it will only make you stronger". That is so true. Time and again, its been proven in my case. Coming out of a tumultuous relationship has made me grow so much. I have risen above so much. No person on earth should go through the emotional turmoil that I have been through. Yes, betrayal is the worst way to be hurt. It damages your faith, hope and leaves you hanging on to the past, wondering how and why you ended up being in such a situation. But for sure TIME does heal everything. EVERYTHING. All you have to do is just have faith and hang in there. Not loosing hope or faith in life is such a tough thing to do...but slowly, painfully, you will heal through it. And when you are out of this rut, there is no winning like this one.

You develop so many obsessions, habits, routines when you are going through this phase of healing, and by chance you realize your hidden potential or you find your true interests. You start defining yourself. There is a secret behind every success. Mostly the reason being a painful passionate need to know oneself, with one ultimate goal, which is to be happy. Looking back I feel very luck to have had gone through so much in life at early years of my life. Having learned so much. There is nothing more left than leading to the path of happiness. Nothing more worse can happen. No more bad can happen. I am pretty sure. Only thing awaiting you is your happiness.

I am very proud of myself today.

Was just listening to this song while driving,

Self-worth

I believe that success at my work defines me. As if my whole worth and life is decided on how perfect I am at my job. That is the reason why I react to even a small issue at work. It bothers me a lot. A lot. I start thinking of alternatives. I start thinking of solutions. I just start thinking...and there is no stopping.

Looking back, I have been raised in a way where I believed that I am nothing if I don't stand first in the class. My marks, my ranks decided my worth. Should I be blaming my parents for this? May be. And now, even though there is no one to tell me what defines me, I seem to have assumed that it is my job. I always want to be the best. I want to be perfect. None of my friends or relationships that I have gave me a sense of who I am. What I am without my job. Except for two [ B & S ], who are far far away, no one ever gave me a feeling that they like me as a person, that they see me as something other than a successful woman or a topper in college. Not that I am a bad person. I like so many things about me. I am a good human being. I am intelligent. I am kind hearted. Helping person, most of all I am very humane. But all these are not the ones used to measure the worth of a person. Looks like it. If I had no job, if I was dumb would any of these people who were in my life still value my friendship or relationship with me? Would any of these people respect me as a human being? Guess not.

Respect defines me. And I get that from my job. If someday I am married, and a mother, would I still be looking for my self-worth through a job or through my family? Have I got all my basics wrong or am I in a world where everything is so screwed up? Do I need help?

How do people like Skunk live? Without a character, without respect? Can I live like them? Like losers? Without self-respect and conscience?

Memories Are Always Rotten

De ja vu. I experience this quite a lot. Just when I started typing this post I had a De ja vu. Read so much on this concept and it still is intriguing.

Leo. Well, just yesterday is when I visited a hospital. Took Grandmother to get POP removed. No, visiting hospitals is not over. This morning we [ Mom, Grandma and I] found Leo limping. He seems to be having a problem with this left rear leg. And got an appointment in the evening. I am so tired of *taking care* of people. Anyways, all I can think of now is, Leo. I want him to be of sound health. I want him to be fit. Hope all is well with him. Can't wait for the Doc's appointment.

Last weekend I watched this Woody Allen's movie - Another Woman. I must say its Woody's best. Movie ends with this line "Is memory something that we have, or something that we lost?". This is exactly what has been on my mind lately. All those memories that I have cherished, longed for and have cried over, are just times that are lost. Gone. Past. And I was thinking that life is not about making memorable moments. Cause a memory good or bad is always a past and there is no point spending even a single moment on it. So I want to lead a life not to build those memorable moments but just living each moment to the fullest. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to look back and laugh, smile or cry over any of it. I wonder why I am blogging to this detail if that is the case!

Yesterday I my day at work was very grumpy. But guess what! I started the day with the same nasty mood. It was less than half an hour I realized that it was yesterday and today everything fell in place and got resolved. So it was a very peaceful day at work. I worry way too much. All I have to do is just wait and a take a breath and all is fine. It is true most of the times. While taking a breath I need to learn to shield from my emotions. My biggest challenge. Someday I will achieve it. Till then just wait. Just Wait. Well, coincidentally this song was being played on my music system while driving,

One thought that kept me nagging all the time. The thought of how a person who does so many mistakes can get away with it and be happy! Though I have not harmed anyone intentionally, have not lied to anyone, cheated anyone and who always takes the right path, suffer so much. Most of my suffering is emotional/ psychological. Guess it's my conscience. And people like Skunk, do not have a conscience. But should not they be punished in a way that makes them realize? Oh boy! Is there justice in this world? I do not know why this bothers me so much. It depresses me so much that others get away with anything while I don't seem to take even one step ahead without paying for mistakes that I did. Irony is that most of the times I do not know why am being punished. Sad part of my life.

But I will not give up! I will not succumb. I am very determined to be happy. And stay happy. Leo is my inspiration. No matter what condition he is in, every time a person walks into my kitchen, he goes behind them anticipating some goodies. He does not miss one single time. No matter what. No matter what time it is. He is determined. And so will I be. Love you Leo.

PS: This is the first time I ever mentioned Skunk on my blog, though my hatred for him has been nursed for sometime now. I tried hard to not mention him, not because I forgave or forgot, just because he is a filth not worth to be mentioned on my blog. But could not resist for long ;;-).