My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
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a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
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a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
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a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.