Salsa!

Finally I joined Salsa last saturday! There have been many changes in my life in the last one year. Many things learnt and unlearnt. Joined Institute de Fancaise to learn French. Had this urge of learning dance since a long time and yes I joined Steps Institue for Salsa classes. Well it did not excite me much though. French classes were real fun! Early morning classes, assignments....feeling like a student all again! Feel good experience!

But Salsa....yes its just 2 classes that I attended, but its not all that fun and excitement. Lets see how I feel about it if I continue the classes, by the end of 3 months from now ;)

My Confabulations

Noun: Confabulation
1. An informal conversation
2. (psychiatry) a plausible but imagined memory that fills in gaps in what is remembered.

Not sure if it was Love that brought helplessness into my life or helplessness that brought Love into my life.Whoever or whatever it is, now that both are with me I can think of only who/ what is going to stay with me. Am sure that its not so long that Love would stay with me again just leaving me helpless, dejected.I never have been so submissive/ vulnerable. I was treated as a woman of will, stubborn, strong-headed. But today am just like any other girl, without any hope, any aim, any direction, just left with all the miseries in the world.

I read somewhere, "when you really want happiness in life, let yourself fall in love". I let. Nevertheless, things were not better. I never thought that in my life I would seek for someone's attention, someone's affection apart from my parent's. Worst of it I never thought that I would fail in getting what I seek.


Before an year I was under the impression that I have had the best of my life. But no! It was my experiences during last 9 months or an year or so , that taught me what a LIFE means. I have seen and experienced different kinds of emotions or feelings within me....Love, Hatred, Pity, Dejection, Anxiety, Fear, Joy...all within me, for myself. But I did not vent out any of the negative feelings to the people around me. In fact I was so-good-to-be person in the last 9 months. But what the world reciprocated to me was just jealousy, envy, worst of all PITY. Do I really deserve all these? This was the question that worsened my situation more. Sometimes I feel this is not the world I am supposed to live in!


Just an attempt to why I am what I am today( a weak person who cant even confront sick people....a more responsible person....or whatever I am today...)


Parents/ Family:
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a) With Dad's suspension many things changed. Our so content and happy family fell apart. I realized what a responsibility means. I realized the pain that Daddy has gone through all his years to bring us up. I repent for those moments when I was so stupid and stubborn and have troubled my parents with my ignorance.

b) I stopped complaining. I started accepting. This brought changes in my personal and professional life. I stopped complaining many things to my parents the only people with whom I can discuss anything and everything, I started dealing with things on my own. If I was not able to I was getting accustomed to the situation...it was endurance.

c) I never dreamt of a married life earlier and at the right time when I am supposed to, with the situations at home there were only nightmares not dreams. Basically I did not have a colorful future! This made me more despairing.

d) I always have been grateful and will be for having parents who are so caring, concerned. I was thinking that I owe a lot to them. I am proud to say that I am the one who's running my family today. But never would I be able to return them what I owe to them. The only way which I can think of is, I promise to be a best parent that I can ever be to my kids.

Work/ Life Goals
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a) I have been a person who never went by what situations forced me to. I used to challenge them, if I cant I never kept myself in such situations. "Do not be a creature of circumstances, be a creator of circumstances". But today am just a creature over wrought by circumstances.

b) I did not have a choice. I had to go by what life brought to me. My career plans, my experiments with life, with ideas, with thoughts all were sealed under the fear of security, security for job, security for my responsibilities towards my family.

c) I did all the shitty work, I worked mechanically...there was no need for my brain to work, there were no challenges at work...just do what my manager asks me to do. I worked like a machine without complaining, without expecting any rewards for my work. Even if I get any there would not be any satisfaction out of them. I accepted all the injustice to me at work.

Personal Life
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a) I lost or avoided many of my friends, just because I did not get what I expected out of them(CONCERN) or because I got what I did not expect out of them(PITY). This made me a lonely creature on earth.

b) When you do not have anyone around to boost you up, you loose your confidence. And same thing happened to me. I was so low at my confidence that many times all I could do is to cry, out of my helplessness.

c) I opened up for completely new relationships, who do not know anything about me nor do I know anything about them. It was an attempt to just forget my-being. But eventually both landed up in knowing each other to an extent and ended-up in the same loop of expecting/ not-expecting.

d) Love - A beautiful experience. From my side I loved thinking for someone, adjusting for someone, caring for someone, seeking for someone, waiting, longing, sharing, not but not the least....sparing tears for someone. But again might be that my expectations were too high I did not have a content Love life.

e) In spite of knowing that a person is not quite right for me I still kept on to them, because of the low-confidence that I was carrying within me. I was not in a position to judge any person. Hmmm....if I was in that situation I never would have sought a relationship in the first place.

A Family of Strangers

She is one of my good friends...this is what everyone says about her…leaving her wondering were they ever friends? How had they been friends and have become good friends.

They share a lot…their time, wonderful evenings…weekends…movies…dinners. But never shared their lives. All empty talks….as hollow as a deep-pit that always left her in an abyss in whatever relation that she shares. This is her so-called perfect family of strangers.

But is this what friendship is all about? FUN... Full stop? Then she gets bored. She often gets bored -- with friends, with herself, with life. Why? How can a teenager get bored when the zest for life has just set in?

Friendship? It's just a distraction, amusement... fun! And when she has heard all their gossip and all they had to say about a Pop/ Film star and nail enamels, she drops friends. Just when we're getting to the part where we talk about dreams, emotions, things close to the heart, she gets restless. She's 'bored'. "Relationships? Faltoo ka jhanjhat!" And she walks off.

The depression she carries behind her smile..the one thing that prevails with her..her loneliness. To overcome this, she often engages in defensive behaviors that may provide some immediate relief from the pain, but in the long run perpetuate the feelings of loneliness. She withdraws from many of her existing social contacts or from opportunities for contacts with others because of the fear of rejection. She retreats to the security of her home after work and narrows her activities to reading, watching television, or hobbies she can do alone. She couldn’t challenge her self-irrational thoughts.

She often says…” I'm cynical and sarcastic. I have to be, it's what's held me strong in so much pain. I won't apologize, for who or what I am. I like me now, finally. If I get bitter it's because someone's judged me that assumed wrong of me. That's just me”.

Finally she adds….” Being alone is not as nearly as bad as being around people and feeling lonely”.

Would she be able to get rid of her 'boredom'. Would she be able to reach out the world through those cobwebs of emotional insulation that make her shrink from human touch. She dumps friends, destroying all possibilities of developing trust. She retreats into herself to deal alone with the feelings she dare not voice. She withdraws into a private hell of turbulent emotions, not knowing how to deal with relatives and friends. What is she looking for? Security? Satisfaction?...Sanity?

A Place of Wonder

To those who read my pieces and wonder how such a mind unfolds,
Its pretty simple when you’re human and Have came across so many damaged roads.
I travel in my mind whenever I find no peace from the world outside,
For when I close my eyes, I enter a world that remains from our kind in hide.
If I were to take you there, I wonder if you could bear its truth.
It would be hard to explain what in this place lies, whether it’d be fit for you.
There the trees are not grown of wood nor are they dressed in leafs,
And the ponds neither swim with fins and scales nor are they decorated with reefs.


Here words come to life, and all things of joy are alive,
Tears don’t fall from eyes but come to dance and sing of life.
Many times I have tried to reach out and pull you in with me,
But many times I found myself to fail yet don’t give up on me.

One of these days it will come, when one of you will see what lies far from the reach of others’ have you ever heard the drums of wings, flapping as over the world one beautifully hovers. For now I rest alone in this world with no one to share it with but my pen, though I feel guilty for being lucky to have this place of salvation in this life of sin.

O’ do you wish to see what lies in my mind that only I with my pen have held the privilege to know, Come and reread some of what I had told my pen and maybe, just maybe this place would show. Though I warn that not all of it is for the euphoric pleasure of the ears and eyes, indeed it is a place where laughter exists though with laughter one must expect cries.