I have been postponing penning this down since past few months, thinking that its just a passing cloud and I would feel better. Well, here I am - exhausted, helpless, lonely, sad and what not! This all might be the drugs flooding my blood talking! Who knows!
I am a person who believes in prevention is better than cure, but somehow I just could not stop myself from falling ill. I know what makes me sick, I pretty clearly know when am going to fall ill, yet, I push myself with stupid positivity which helps none and get myself into this deep gloomy state where I feel so worthless, powerless.
I remember making a resolution to have my health as top priority and I remember succeeding in that. But what happened to me now? Back to where I was before I took this resolution. Why? Cause I get carried away! I think, Oh! all is so rosy and sunny and so is my health. I just cannot take this one thing for granted. And I hate to be on check all the time. Why cant I just be like any other normal person and stop being a patient?
I have been sick before, and this year I was ill for 3 months at a stretch. Yet right now, I feel so tired of being ill. I want to give up on all the medicines, treatments and stop fighting my illness. I know I should not let my physical condition affect me emotionally or mentally. But its happening. Where did my boldness go? Where did my fighting spirit go?
Right now I cannot even yell. Only connection I have with my husband is through phone and with my voice that is interred by a swollen throat I cannot even communicate with any living being on earth( including my pet Leo). I always think I am so independent and I can survive alone, but if my MOM wasn't here last few days I have no idea what would have happened to me. How much our lives are dependent on others! Now I understand why people get married, why one cannot live alone and why everyone needs someone. And dependency makes us weak, and well, so does a bad health like mine.
What the hell! All I should think of now is ice creams, sizzle dazzle brownies, lots of tasty yummy sweets...when will I get better?
I am a person who believes in prevention is better than cure, but somehow I just could not stop myself from falling ill. I know what makes me sick, I pretty clearly know when am going to fall ill, yet, I push myself with stupid positivity which helps none and get myself into this deep gloomy state where I feel so worthless, powerless.
I remember making a resolution to have my health as top priority and I remember succeeding in that. But what happened to me now? Back to where I was before I took this resolution. Why? Cause I get carried away! I think, Oh! all is so rosy and sunny and so is my health. I just cannot take this one thing for granted. And I hate to be on check all the time. Why cant I just be like any other normal person and stop being a patient?
I have been sick before, and this year I was ill for 3 months at a stretch. Yet right now, I feel so tired of being ill. I want to give up on all the medicines, treatments and stop fighting my illness. I know I should not let my physical condition affect me emotionally or mentally. But its happening. Where did my boldness go? Where did my fighting spirit go?
Right now I cannot even yell. Only connection I have with my husband is through phone and with my voice that is interred by a swollen throat I cannot even communicate with any living being on earth( including my pet Leo). I always think I am so independent and I can survive alone, but if my MOM wasn't here last few days I have no idea what would have happened to me. How much our lives are dependent on others! Now I understand why people get married, why one cannot live alone and why everyone needs someone. And dependency makes us weak, and well, so does a bad health like mine.
What the hell! All I should think of now is ice creams, sizzle dazzle brownies, lots of tasty yummy sweets...when will I get better?
