True Freedom

 Copied this from one of my Facebook friend's wall post. So true...that I could not stop making a note of it on my blog!

 After all, the lives we lead at present, based on needs, desires and the ways of controlling desire, make us more shallow and empty than ever. We may be very clever, very learned, able to repeat what we have gathered; but the electronic machines are doing that, and already in some fields the machines are more capable than man, more accurate and swifter in their calculations. So we always come back to the same thing which is that life as we live it now is so very superficial, narrow, limited, all because deep down we are empty, lonely, and always trying to cover it up to fill up that emptiness; therefore the need, the desire becomes a terrible thing. Nothing can fill that deep void within - no gods, no saviors, no knowledge, no relationship, no children, no husband, no wife; nothing. But if the mind, the brain, the whole of your being can look at it, live with it, then you will see that psychologically, inwardly, there is no need for anything. That is true freedom.

-J Krishnamurti.

 

Marriage? Men? Culture?

I fail to understand! Is it only in India or is it only with men or is it really the case with marriage. I was in a meeting today among all men and in a discussion they concluded that "I don't care!", now that am getting married. How can I not care about my job? Does marriage really take away rest of your life? If so, then why should it be only with women why not men? What makes them think that only they can get married and still get on with rest of their life, like job, friends, fun, parties and etc?! Why can't women do the same? I wonder if this is how marriage is perceived across the world or it is just these stereotyped Indian men who think so or who want the women to be so.

How I wish I can prove all these men wrong?! But lately am having serious doubts that I may not be able to do so. Somebody please tell me that my life is not going to change! That I can have both marriage and a successful career. That I can still dream.  I am trying to find strong independent women in my life. But every woman that I know of  has gone through sacrifices or got caught in family. It's only in movies and books that I have seen where a man complements a woman. Am doing a dangerous thing by assuming that my life is going to be a fairy tale.

How I can love someone without losing My Self?

Drafts

I wanted to make an entry on this blog on March 11th the day I officially committed to share my life with Vinod, but thought otherwise as I had so much to write and did not know how to say all that. And two more entries for the movie "A Separation" and the book " Before I go To Sleep". Like always say, someday!

Pelli Pustakam

Aesthesia

She was panting...fighting for breath. But still she could not stop. She has to run. She has to reach on time. Every time she looked at her watch she felt it was lying to her. Last time she looked at it, it said 9 AM, and now it was 9:12 AM. She has been running for the last 12 minutes and yet she was  no nearer to her destination. She had a sharp quick pang of fear. She was sweating. She wanted to run fast but time was running faster than her. She had to be at the place in 3 minutes. Doubts clouded her mind. What if she cannot make it to it? No! That cannot happen. For some reason she was forced to be at the place, though she was not able to remember what the reason was. All she knew was to keep running and to reach the place before 9:15, as if it was a matter of life and death.

She tried to look around. To see how far she was. She could recognize so many places, things and people around. All those faces, greeting her, talking to her, asking her questions...as if all of them  failed to see that she was in a hurry. On a deadline. She did not bother to respond to any of them. But she could hear her own words as a response to each of them. She was not sure if she actually spoke back to them or it was all just in her mind. Their faces told her otherwise. For fraction of a second she could forget about time, the deadline and the target. She wanted to physically talk to them, but without opening her mouth words seem to have reached others around her. All of them seem to have a conversation with her at the same time. Those faces, those voices soon became noises to her. She could not concentrate on anyone. She felt smothered. She tried to look far beyond them. Those faces started to fade away, moving away from her...all slowly she could hear and feel was only one thing…her heartbeat. So loud, so fast and so persisting, that it reminded her of the ticking clock.

It was 9:15. She made it. She was at the place. Now she suddenly realized why she had to be there. And that made her more nervous. She was standing in front of the door. A room. An examination hall. She was on time. She took a deep breath and tried to remember everything that she has been reading for this exam. Everything was so vivid in her mind that she walked into the room relieved and confident. A very familiar face approached her and gave her the exam paper. She felt that the face was too close to her and the voice was too loud, saying "good luck"! THAT voice did not belong to this person. She knew this person well, but the voice was new, strange and those two words, she felt were not meant. But She had this exam to complete. She knew better not to be distracted. She was afraid that with every passing second she might forget all that she read for this exam.

She looked at the paper and nothing made sense to her. She could hardly recognize the letters on the paper. She rubbed her eyes over and over and tried hard to look at the paper and read. She tried hard to remember if it is something that she already read but has forgotten. This was not something that she was prepared for. She has been reading something and now she had to answer something else. Something that she does not even understand in the question form. She looked around. Rest of the people in the room seem to have no problem with it. She felt odd. She felt that she was in a conspiracy. That someone is playing a bad joke with her. Or that something has really gone terribly wrong. She tried to focus back and remember. All she could remember was what she has been preparing for the last few days. But that was not what she was asked to take exam on! These strange letters on the paper on her desk looked so alien to her. Something that she has never seen before.

She has already spent last 2 hours doing nothing but worrying, staring into the paper. And one more time she was on deadline. But strangely she did not know what to do. She did know what she is not supposed to do. To Run. She knew that whether or not she does or does not do anything she was not going to pass this exam. All she could do was wait for the deadline. But she hated this feeling. Feeling of not being able to do anything. Feeling of total obscurity. It was far more worse than all those fears and doubts she felt before.

Just about when she was giving up, it all came back to her. She could remember where she was, why she was and when she was. She was in a DREAM. And She was glad that she could WAKE UP!